Hi friends, <P>I haven't posted much in the last few weeks. I find myself not being able to add much to what has been said. I'm lurking though. I have to keep up on your stories.<P>The past few weeks have been stressful at home. The OM has chosen to work on his marriage. My wife is hurting like I have never seen before. She has sent several messages to him trying to keep their relationship a live. He has either ignored her responses or responds very businesslike. His final message was that he is not going to respond any more because he just doesn't have time. I think he has been trying to let her down easy, she is taking it extremely hard.<P>I hurt for her. She wrote some pretty angry things toward him that were never sent. Some of that anger has been directed at me, and thankfully I have realized that that is normal. I don't blow up in retaliation, I just let her be angry. She does apologize now, which is a change. Returning to the conflict stage is what I believe Harley says we are now doing. <P>My spirits are high. But, at the same time I hurt because she is hurting so badly. My counselor has helped me understand the depth of what she is going through. To put it in perspective he told me, "What if she walked out on you, never to return? The feelings of withdrawal you would feel are the same that she is feeling now. Then add all the guilt, shame, and hurt that has been inflicted on others and it would be almost unbearable for a while". So, I'm just trying to be there for her. While we don't talk about it, I think she knows I know why she's hurting. We talk a lot about things, we share experiences, and I continue to provide loads of touch. <P>I still have a long way to go with trust and honesty, but I'm committed to getting there. I focus my attention on us. She is responding ever so slowly. I'm here for the long haul. I think she knows that. <P>I am starting to believe that I have finally taken that step toward recovery. It was a year ago this week, that I discovered my wife was involved with another man. What a year this has been. My God what a year this has been. <P>I know the road before me is still a difficult one, this is no time to rest on my laurels. But with the hurt behind me, my wife and I can start finding one another again. I believe I will prefer that journey to the one I just traveled. My counselor is a man who has walked through this fire and he is helping me each step of the way. I am so grateful for that. <P>I have to thank the Lord for getting me to this point. He carried me when I thought everything was lost. He showed me that no matter what happened, He would always be there for me. He gave me strength when I thought I had none left. He helped me understand what patience is (His time is NOT our time). And finally, He helped me change into the man who always knew I could be. <P>I want to thank you all for helping me too. You gave to me, when you were hurting yourself. You provided insight when I couldn't see the way. You encouraged me when I was down. You shared in my joy and in my suffering. <P>What words could I possibly say to express my thanks? A simple "thank you" isn't enough. Perhaps, all I can say is I'm with you in your trials, and you are in my prayers. <P>God bless, <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.<P>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited February 04, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited February 08, 2000).]

SHA,<P>Hang in there... <BR>You are doing waht you <B>know</B> is right... <BR>...following the Harley principles!<P>My prayers for continue perseverence... <P>I know you can make it! <P>Jim

SHA,<P>I am happy for you. I am sure it hurts so much to see your wife in pain over the loss of the OM, but maybe the two of you can finally work on your realtionship.<P>I wish you all the best.<P>JJ

You guys are going to make it. You still have a long road ahead of you, but you will make it.<P>I'm glad OM decided to do the right thing...it makes it easier, even though your W is hurting so much now.<P>Hopefully soon she'll turn her head around from the direction of futility in which she's now looking, see you there, and think, "What was I, nuts?"

SHA,<P>Hang in there my friend...<P>Your testimony in your faith awes me.<P>Keep praying for His guidence and He will continue to guide you..<P>Bill:<P>"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<B>NSR</B><BR>Jim, thanks so much. <P><B>Jersey Joe</B><BR>We are working together on our marriage, but I think it will start becoming more meaningful in the days a head. Thank you. <P><B>Dazed and Confused</B><BR>I think she is coming to grips with the reality of the situation. It's a heavy load considering the emotional bond she thought existed between them. In time, I think the emotions will become a distant memory and she will find love for me again. It's been a life altering event for both of us that's for sure. I'm hoping that neither of us will take one another for granted again. Thanks, Dazed.<P><B>WilliamJ</B><BR>you know, what hurts me is that my wife is really struggling with her faith. I suppose that's to be expected from what has happened. I hope comes to see that God isn't there to knock her down, but that He is there to help pick her up. Thanks, Bill.<P><B>K</B><BR>You were one of the first to post to me way back when. Seeing you give me a smile, says a lot. <P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited February 04, 2000).]

David,<P>This is <B>GREAT</B> news!!!!!<P>You have "turned the corner" my friend!!!!!!<P>Still praying for you both. Now my prayers will for a exponential recovery time! <P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

SHA,<P>Your post touched me deeply. <P>My how you have grown and learned. You have always been inspirational for me. <P>The two of you are indeed going to make it. Especially because you can say the hurt is behind you and you know you can't rest on your laurels. <P>I agree with you that I would rather be traveling down this road with my husband than the one we were on.<P>God and all of this is changing me into the woman I always wanted to become too. I guess these are all the silver linings to the clouds that we have been under.<P>I want to thank you for being here and sharing with all of us. You are a very special human being. Giving, caring and loving.<P>You have taught me much and this post of yours is now marked in my favorite places. That way if I start feeling down I will read it again and be inspired.<P>You are in my prayers! <P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

SHA,<P>It did my heart good to read your post. I know I would love to open this site up and find you posting that the clouds have cleared and your W is finally seeing what you have done and become. If I would love it, I can't imagine how you will feel.<P>I think you are going to get the chance to feel it. . This sounds like a very positive turn of events. It is also good to see that you strength is back. I could feel it just reading this post.<P>I was going to say keep hanging in there, but that doesn't adequately describe where you are. Your not hanging in, your patience is making a hugh difference and I feel confident that your W will start responding.<P><BR>God Bless<P>JL

Hi Sir<BR>Sorry I missed you on this. You probably won't read this till Monday. <P>Well, now I wish I were in your shoes. I continue to be amazed by the similarities in our stories. I knew we started here about the same time but I didn't realize how close in time it was. I found out 2/10, a week after you. I hope it is not too depressing for you to go through this anniversary.<P>I do think it is good that you are there to support your W, even as she grieves over her loss. I pray this will happen to my W. I do believe there is a chance of it. I was thinking the other day that I do want my W to keep her sanity. I wouldn't want to have endured all this only to end up with a W that is a basket case, needing counseling the rest of her life to cope. Affair sure can wreck lives - huh!!<P>I think you feel like I do that what ever it takes to end the affair is OK – even your W being rejected by OM. But, say she comes back and it is over. How do you think you will feel a year from now? 5 years? 10 years? I am concerned about how I will feel. Even if your marriage is better than it ever was, there will be tough times. I hope this period doesn’t come back to haunt during those times. We would really have to be on guard. Well, no point in worrying about the “what ifs” right now when it’s survival time. <P>I'm glad you are encouraged. I'll continue praying for you that all your efforts and commitment will be rewarded.<P>Ron<BR>

Very simply SHA, you are a REAL man. I think that every time I read your posts, but this time I had to say it.<P>I'm very proud of you. <P>I know this year has been one of your most difficult chapters. <P>You have my prayers and hopes.<P>You are going to make it, SHA. You AND your wife are going to make it!<P>I belive in you.<P>Best,<BR>FC

What a great post, thank you. It gives the rest of us hope for our futures. I am into this 3 months since discovery and am looking forward to the day I'm in your shoes knowing that much pain & difficulty remains no matter the path. All our prayers go with you on your journey. Best wishes to you and yours. <BR> Gale

Persistence and Determination alone are Omnipotent!<P>You've certainly proven that - your story and your courage continue to give me great strength and hopefullness - as it does for many others.<P>SHA, it really appears that your future WITH your wife is looking very bright indeed. No, the journey is not over, yet it seems that you are about to set out on that very special road to the future together. She needs you more that ever now - you know that, and ever better is that she knows that you'll be that AND SHE WANTS YOU THERE ALSO.<P>What a great job of unconditional love you've demonstrated, and will continue to demonstrate. The road you are turning on now will have potholes in the beginning - in that she will hurt as you are now witnessing, and she may not even know or recognize the road you are on for a while. But after lots of miles down this road of recovery, she will wake up to enjoy the horizon and scenary along the way - along with your company.<P>I couldn't be happier for you.<P>SamH

Sir, I am really glad for you. Withdrawal is tough, and it does seem that most betrayers have a more difficult time dealing with guilt than my h did. He learned early in his life that the purpose of guilt is to get us to stop doing wrong and do right. Once the transition is made, he doesn't endlessly loop in it, as I've seen from some posts.<P>From what little I know of you from your posts, I think you are able to make it safe for your wife to grieve for him with you. It was very painful for me, but I think it helped my h a lot that he could cry for the OW on my shoulder. Yes it hurt, but I was truly moved to compassion when I saw him hurting so much. I forgot about myself for just a little bit. The more you can help her, the better it will go for you. She will need to let go before she can even begin to focus on you. That was hard too. I kept wondering when it would be my turn. But it sounds like you've come a long way!

Hello My Friend<P> <P>I don't need to say more do I ?<P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

Hi SHA,<P>long time no speak...<P>What wonderful wonderful news. I'm so happy for you.<P>What you must be going through now, and still, must seem neverending, but it is, and all the sh@t will end.<BR>You can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We (my H and I) havent even made it into the da%^m tunnel yet !!!<P>You are the most amazing man - the patience you have displayed, and the love you have shown your wife - almost brings tears to my eyes - I typed ears then hoo hoo haa haa !!!<P>It's after midnight here, on Mon night, I think I've lost the plot.<BR>I've been away from MB for a while, now I can't get off the 'puter........<P>Anyway, please take care of you, and my prayers are with you.<P>Big big hugs for you, <P>Jo<P>

Hi, SHA,<P>What a wonderful post to read. You certainly deserve this progress. And you do sound very strong emotionally. Isn't it amazing what we can sometimes come up with when push comes to shove and we have to 'dig deep'? I think that's the siver lining, alright.<P>If I may add a tidbit of advice (from a former betrayer): your W truly has almost endless grieving to do. As she progresses from getting over the OM to wanting back into her marriage, and she becomes more aware of what you have done for *her*, she will feel more and more shame and despair about what she has done to *you*... and to herself. As bad as withdrawal can be, facing yourself in the mirror is much worse. My guess is that she will develop a very deep sense that she doesn't deserve you, or deserve a good marriage. She may very well withdraw from you emotionally, because it's very difficult to give yourself *joyfully* to your spouse when you feel like pond-scum!<P>Somehow, you and she must find a way to rebuild her sense of her value, her worthiness, to the marriage. She will need to know she still has strength that you both need. She will need to "repay" you somehow, to sort of balance the ledger. Much easier said than done. <P>The best suggestion I can give is for you to allow *her* to be strong for *you* whenever and however she is able. Otherwise, this "I am worth nothing to this marriage" mindset could sabotage the marriage you've worked so hard to save. It nearly did that to ours. I'd like to spare somebody else!!!<P>Best of luck to you both, SHA. You richly deserve it. She *is* lucky to have you! (But be sure she still knows you're lucky to have her too ) <P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

SHA,<BR>God is truly wonderful. Great to see things are beginning to look up for you.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Hey Brother David,<P> I guess I am late, as usual. Sorry. I have been really busy as of late and have had little time to respond although I do lurk and read. I will continue to pray for you. Of course this includes your wife because the good book says that the two shall be joined as one right? If one hurts, so will the other. Perhaps that is still a good sign, to let you know your love is still alive as ever! Happy for you my friend.<P>Good Luck and God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.