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Joined: Feb 2000
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My H has had a on/off affair for a couple of years. We have openly discussed her - her positive & negative attributes - his lack of trust or confidence in her - He knows full well what a destructive person she is & has supposedly gotten out of it several times. According to him she is a very immature, selfish, self centered, consuming married women that has never done anything for herself. She has relied soley on her H to do everything for her but is very unhappy. She has never worked & financially can't get out of her marriage she says. She dumps her kids on her H and has my H to fill her void. She now is supposedly in love with my H. We had a horrible argument about her & we decided that we should separate. He has been staying at his "home" away from home for several weeks now. I have tried to be supportive, understanding, cooperative & give him space. At times he says that he loves me, that he cares very much about me. He for the most part has been very cooperative & things are much more civil now. We "make love" regularly. At first I resisted but gave in & at times am the one making advances now. It causes very conflicting emotions. It is wonderful to feel needed & wanted & to show my love for him but it doesn't change anything. I haven't been willing to give up that connection with him. I thought that he might listen to his own reservations about her if I stopped interfering & criticising & passing judgement, but overall I think the separation has just made it easier for him to see her. It is like he is just living each day for today & the fun times & ego boost & escape she provides while avoiding<BR>anything long range. I am dying a slow death - I exist to try to protect my kids and give them what they deserve. I want them to grow up believing in the joy & value of committment & love & giving of yourself to those you love unconditionally. But <BR>in reality where has it gotten me? After we had kids I apparently made him feel left out. Like I didn't need him. I wasn't any fun any more. I had no idea he felt this way until too late. Now I wish we could go back to before he met her to resolve our issues but it's apparently too late. What to do?<p>[This message has been edited by love is blind (edited February 09, 2000).]

Joined: Nov 1999
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HI!<P>This is so hard, what we have to go through. Hang in there and stay strong. I too want my children to know aobut commitment but it may come down to knowing that I am committed to them. That is what keeps me going. Being there for the kids and staying strong.<P>Don't be afraid to cry......it is a healing process. I still cry and it has been 4 months since I found out about my H affair. He came home last week but now this week he is depressed and just wants out of our marriage so he can date other people.<P>It is amazing what they put us through and we hang in there all for the values you mentioned above. I am hanging in there for the same reasons. <P>Try to smile, enjoy your kids and make plans for yourself to make you a better and more complete person. That is what I am trying to do. Make me a better person for me. <P>I do not know if that helps.........<BR>Hang in there...our H's are on the same planet....LaLa galaxy

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Thanks for your support!! It's kind of nice to have someone to share with. I haven't talked to anyone about my situation because I don't wan't anyone to know what is really going on. But...<BR>I fear though that my H will at some time<BR>in the future begin to atttempt to involve OW in his time with the kids. I am torn between the possibility of accepting this to protect them from knowing what my H & OW have done & not being capable of allowing <BR>them think she is this great person when she is a husband stealing, selfish tramp. I am so afraid that my kids are going to hear about it.<p>[This message has been edited by love is blind (edited February 09, 2000).]

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Thanks for your support!! It's kind of nice to have someone to share with. I haven't talked to anyone about my situation because I don't want anyone to know what is really going on. But...<BR>I fear though that my H will at some time<BR>in the future begin to atttempt to involve OW in his time with the kids. I am torn between the possibility of accepting this to protect them from knowing what my H & OW have done & not being capable of allowing <BR>them think she is this great person when she is a husband stealing, selfish tramp. I am so afraid that my kids are going to hear about it.<P>[This message has been edited by love is blind (edited February 09, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by love is blind (edited February 09, 2000).]<P>[This message has been edited by love is blind (edited February 09, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by love is blind (edited February 09, 2000).]

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I need some insight/opinions. <P>We as a couple knew OW & her H socially before the affair. He is a super nice guy. She was tons of fun but takes everything to excess. From day one my H & I discussed how much fun she was but also how wacky she was. She lives in la la land. Whatever works for her should be acceptable to everyone else. She is very convincing & is able to make you feel very good about yourself & believe in her & when you don't she is able to convince you that <BR>you are the one that is nuts for seeing things differently than her. I know that my H is fully aware of her inadequacies & how destructive she has been to him, me her family etc. He has said that "she has no moral standards - whatever is good for her is ok. & who gives a sh-- about how it might effect someone else.She has always had her way & would consume you. No one could have a life of their own with her. You would have to be a fool to think you could have a meaningful relationship with someone like her" Blah, blah, blah, but still he has become addicted to her knowing full well that she is lethal. How can he ignore his own beliefs? How can he become oblivious to everything he has expressed about her & continue to be involved with her? When they have a problem about something & we talk openly it's always "Oh yeah, I forgot about that." You get wrapped up in it & lose sight of all that stuff." They share the same sense of humor, she is alluring, challenging....How does he lose sight of what he knows and sacrifice so much to be with her... (everyone that I know that knows her thinks she's a flake)<P>Even if he did finally dispose of OW it is a<BR>huge question whether we could make it. We<BR>have tons of our own issues to deal with but<BR>we have never really attemptedto deal with them since they never were discussed until she came into the picture. I wish I knew before what I know about myself now. But it's probably too late to even try to be a better wife & companion to him.<P>Sorry, I've rambled on enough - Just can't sort out all the conflicting info. <p>[This message has been edited by love is blind (edited February 09, 2000).]

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LIB<P>I can't understand why some "men" think they are left out or not needed when the kids come. Don't they know we need them MORE. We can use help with middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, terrible twos, potty training, first day of school, doctors appointments, the whole thing. One person can not do it all alone and when they do, their life gets consumed. Often without a thought to it, we wives are happy to do it. <P>This OW sounds like a real LOSER. You stated she is married. What does her H think of all this? <P>Are you sure that is his main reason, him feeling like you didn't need him? It just sounds like an excuse to justify what he was doing. I am sure if he told you that BEFORE it was too late you would have changed some things around, right?<P>My heart and prayers go out to you. I am in a totally different situation as you, but we share some of the same feelings. Either way being betrayed, is the worst thing in the world. Actually one lawyer told me, its worth than death, because once you deal with death, their gone. This is much worse.<P>Pray, Take Care of Yourself and your kids, be strong for them and be kind to yourself.

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Love is blind,<P>First let me say that I am sorry you are going through this.<P>I have one question. Does the husband of the OW know what is going on? You state she can not afford to get a divorce. <P><BR>PS. Sorry for the mistake with the name earlier! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited February 09, 2000).]

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test post..password problem

Joined: Jul 1999
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i know what you are going through, except my H would barely talk about it all, and OW was single.<BR>I think you should read up on Plan A and Plan B, and figure out what you need to to, as you seem to be in sort of a weird mix of the 2. Plan A is really tough, but it sounds like you have a little leverage, if he has already admitted that she's bad news...you can become really GOOD news, so to speak, and he'll prefer to be with you.<BR>I think he ought to move home, if you aren't going to do plan B, though, because i think he needs to be more accountable to you and the kids...he has his cake and eats it too, right now, huh? My H lived with OW without my knowledge, and i was just as nice to him as i could be...talk about heaven for him.<P>anyway, sorry you're here, but glad you found us, MB is a great place for a terrible situation.<BR>I like your name, too [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Joined: May 1999
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Love was Blind,<P>LOL I didn't even notice. Sorry! How are you? No wonder I was confussed by her post. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>


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