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Joined: Feb 2000
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I don’t know why exactly I feel the need to post here. I guess I feel that most W’s do not understand the OW and lay most of the blame on her, instead of the lying H. I am not a tramp. Ripping a H away from his W would bring me no pleasure.
I was in a very emotionally confused state when my EMR began. My H is very abusive. We agreed on divorce, but have to get some things straight before we can go through with it. I had been living in my empty shell of a marriage for months when my MM began pursuing me. He was so sweet and talked to me about my problems. He hinted that his own marriage wasn’t what it should be, and I wrongfully assumed he was in the same situation I was. I’m not going to use the excuse that it “just happened”. It didn’t. It was something I thought long and hard about before I let it happen. I finally gave in, and everything seemed fine until his W became suspicious. He freaked out and told me we had to cool down for a while.
At that point I realized I’d been used. I realized that his marriage was still very much alive and that he was creating the illusion of a perfect marriage for his wife. I started feeling guilty thinking about his wife and the pain she would feel if she only knew. I was tempted to tell her, but I feel that is up to him to do. Plus, I don’t want to cause any pain for their children. I hope someday he will be honest with her, not for my benefit, but because I feel bad that she is fooled by him.
I am ending it with him ASAP. I want him to know the pain he has caused me, and I want him to think about the pain he potentially could cause his wife. From now on, no matter what a man tells me, if he has a ring on his finger, he doesn’t stand a chance.
These men are nothing but liars. They deceive us(OW) by leading us to believe they care about us. They deceive you by sneaking around behind your backs meanwhile pretending to be perfect H’s. There is so much pain on both sides of the fence.
I am in no way justifying what I did. I was emotionally unstable and very naïve, but I still know it was wrong. I just think that many W’s are too quick to forgive the H, and too willing to blame it all on the OW. I wouldn’t blame his W for hating me, but I would certainly hope she would hate him just as much. After all, he took vows to her.
Just food for thought. You can start the flaming now.

Joined: May 1999
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I don't think you are going to get flamed here. In fact, you will get the support you need to end the affair you are having.

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Faith, Hope, Love Remain,
but the greatest of these is Love.
1 Corinthians 13:13


Joined: Jan 2000
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HMIYM,

Welcome to MB. I don't think anyone here will flame you.

Wish I could say more, but I've been having a bad week. Hope to talk to you again when I'm better able to communicate.

Keo


Joined: Dec 1999
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I think that it is great that you realize the situation you are in. I believe you will find lots of support here to help you through this difficult time.

I know my H lied to his OW just as he has lied to me. I have always blamed my H for his behavior, but that doesn't mean I don't still love and care for him. In my situation, the OW is very aware of my husband being married with children and shows no remorse for her behavior. She even calls my house harassing me and causing more problems. After all the hurt she has continued to cause and her knowledge of me and my children, in my mind she is almost as much to blame as my H. In the beginning, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she knew nothing about me or my children. Since that time I have spoken with her spouse and was told that this is her typical behavior. She has apparently has no guilt to what she is doing to my family or her own husband or children. I have no sympathy for this woman who continues to try and destroy marriages.

Your situation sounds quite different. You were lied to and deceived just as the wife is/was. Some very good people sometimes get themselves in bad situations. Hang in there and stick to you guns about ending the relationship.


Joined: May 1999
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Hello there and welcome.

Yep, I did say "welcome". You do have a place here. There are plenty good people here. Betrayed and betrayer alike. Some, like myself and my wife Suse who also posts are both.

My approach to the world is to try not to ONLY consider behavior but also to try to consider intent. Most people don't start out intending to hurt others. Sometimes they do out of their own weakness or needs. When they do, it then becomes a question of whether they are sorry for it and try to do the right thing.

Many people here are not judgemental. This is a great group and we try to help each other understand the circumstances of our lives. Through it all, we make friends. We even have some fun.

Nobody here is perfect. Do you know anyone who is? Yep, we all make mistakes. The question is...do we learn from them?

Keep posting.


Joined: Sep 1999
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Welcome HateMeIfYouMust,

I think you'll find a lot more compassion here than you'd expect. There are some very hurt betrayed spouses that are raw and bitter and in moments of their pain lose it... but in general this is the most caring place I have ever seen.

You're hurting too...
We care about you too... :

There was a decent thread not to long ago... check it out... Not all OP are pieces of trash. It is mostly a positive recognition that OPs also hurt.

I'll also mention a forum-member resource post...Notable Posts/Threads... with good "inspirational" messages (mostly for MB rebuilding... but good book stuff too!)

No flaming here!
Vengence hurts the vengeful!

Praying for your pain too...

Jim


Joined: Dec 1999
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HMIYM,

No you won't get flamed here. You are just as welcome as any of the other OP's that post regularly here.

Sometimes, yeah, the H or W posting here does flame the OP in their relationship but it's usually just to vent to get thru a rough spot. It's not a personal attack on anyone here.

Welcome and Prayers,
Mitzi


Joined: Nov 1999
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Hiya,

Typically the only flaming that goes on here is when there are 20 or more replies on a post. The little icon next to the thread shoots up little flame graphics. It's kind of neat.

Anyhoo... welcome to the Marriage Builders forums. You will find that your presence is appreciated. And youi will also find some very good ears and advice. Welcome.

Having said that, and having seent that you will not be harshly judged, would you consider changing your name? How about Lovemeifyoumust, or Madeamistake or Timetostarthealing?

Also... put something into your profile. Oftimes, when replying to a post or reading a reply we like to check the profile to make sure we are giving/getting appropriate advice.

Anyway welcome.

Deut

[This message has been edited by Soulloss' exH (edited February 27, 2000).]


Joined: Jun 1999
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Hiya as well,
The only problem I have is that your name is ssooooooo long! Anyhow, yes, it does seem that sometimes we have a tendancy to blame the OP instead of knowing all. In my particular case I blamed all 4 of us, me, my H, OW, and her H. All of us were kinda mixed up, the only thing I had a problem with is that she was supposed to be my friend and she knew how hard I was working to try and make things work. She hurt my feelings and I will never be able to have closure from that because I don't think she will ever look me in the eye again, it's too sad. If only she had expressed some sorrow over getting involved with him when she knew how hard I was working..........Oh well,
Anyhow, it's great that your here, you can give us some fresh perspective on stuff! I'm sorry things are so bad in your marriage. Do you really want to end it or are you trying to find a way to bring it back to what it once had? Either way is alot of work. Hey, do us a favor and shorten your name, ok? That's the only problem with long names, it takes forever to spell them out! God Bless!

------------------
Chick's
Bren

You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!


Joined: Feb 2000
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HateMeIfYouMust,

I'm not flaming you, but until divorce papers have been filed, anyone has a chance at working out their relationship. Getting involved with a person who is still in another relationship in ANY way is completely wrong. I'm sorry this guy pursued you (it was the other way in my H's affair), but you should have resisted his advances until he had moved out of his family home and filed for divorce.

Yes, we W's do forgive our cheating, lying H's much easier than we forgive (if we ever will) the OW, but you need to realize that we have loved and cared for that person for many years and have a deep emotional bond with that person - something we don't have at all for the OW. That in itself makes it easier to forgive our H's and hate the OW.

Mare


Joined: Feb 2000
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Although I am fairly new to MB, I also would like to extend a welcome. I am one of the betrayed wives who unfortunately ended up divorced and ex moved in with OW. I don't hold her responsible--he was the one who broke the vows. We are all hurt by an affair, and this is a place to come to share your hurt and pain, and to learn from others. Welcome.

Joined: Nov 1999
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Hi HMIYM,
Welcome to the Marriage Builders Forum. I don't post here often, but I felt the need to reply. I only wish that the OW in my situtation realized what you do: the pain that she and my H have caused me, our daughter, our families and our friends. She feels no remorse for what she has done...she said that I was the problem and that she was just the result of the problem.

Anyway, I just wanted to welcome you here...I don't think anybody here is going to hate you or flame you. We are here to support your decision to end you EMR. Good Luck!

Darlene


Joined: Feb 2000
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Wow, you people are great! Your responses are the exact opposite of what I expected. I don't have much time to post right now, but I just wanted to thank all of you for being so kind and understanding.
HMIYM

Joined: Feb 2000
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You post is true - these men (and women) are users - ... Even though I do place blame on the other women - she knew he was married and what she was doing - I feel sorry for her also.

My husband was done with the relationship and tossed her aside in a very abrupt manner - I feel it was very cruel and I have as much trouble with how he treated her as I do with the fact that he did this.

My sypathy is limited though becasue she was 'involved' with several people - this is a real problem with her - so even though I know she was stunned by the sudden end of their relationship - she knew what she was doing...


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Hey,

For what it is worth, I blame my H probably more that the OW. In fact, it is why I have not confronted about her it. It takes two you know!

I am happy that you have come to the conclusions you did about your affair and am sorry for your pain. You will find suport here - not the flames of damnation.

Acacia


Joined: Jun 1999
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Welcome,
We are all here to help you not to beat you up. You hurt as bad as betrayed. We are all here to be healed of the pain that we have endured (both sides.)

------------------
God Bless,
Rob

regilmor@swbell.net


Joined: Feb 2000
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HateMeIfYouMust,

I don't hate the OW in our case, and I do believe that it was my H's fault. Yes, she was wrong in committing adultery with him, as well her sin causing her husband untold grief and pain. Actually, I don't feel anything about her, most likely because I have never met her, and she is out of the picture now. I talked to her once on the phone, I was nice to her, she was pleasant in return. God impressed upon me that I MUST forgive her. After I forgave her, the horrible sick stomach feeling subsided. Yes, I forgave my H, maybe too quickly, but his desire to make amends was genuine.

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope that you will be able to withdraw from this relationship and not look back. This board is full of wonderful, caring people who are here to help each other. God bless you,

MTAW


Joined: Sep 1999
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I don't think you will get flamed here, what with the new attitude that is everywhere. You have been welcomed to this place. Strange isn't it. You admit you destroyed your marriage, and another family's marriage..and you are welcomed. I am constantly amazed at what I witness here.

You admit you took your time..and KNEW what you were doing..that means you had INTENT when you committed this EVIL act. I hope God can forgive you.

Yes he was Evil too, and he was wrong, but you have admitted you considered his wife, but you did IT anyway. A sad admittance by you.

May God have mercy on your Soul.


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HMIYM, when a person who has done wrong acknowledges that they have, and feels badly and understands the other's pain, no matter whether they are the betraying spouse or the OP, we won't flame them... You will find that I despise the OW in my H's life, but that is mostly because she has no respect whatsoever for anyone, no respect for marriage, and has made it a point to attempt to physically assault me, harass me and blame me for his current estrangement from his family (who want nothing to do with her). She is a self-centered predator whose own sister will not speak to her because of it.

But that is not the situation you have described - and you will not be flamed here. We can share with you the pain of being in the wife's place, if you ever want to know...

------------------
terri
I believe in miracles...



Joined: Jul 1999
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Hi from me, too! And Welcome. This is the place for all people who have found themselves in this yucky situation. So many people get hurt, and the op is one of them.

Everyone makes a bad call every now and then, some of them have greater consequences than others. The true judge of a person's character is not whether or not they ever make a mistake, but what they do to correct it and change their lives afterwards. I believe that your post shows character. And I'm proud of you for your honesty and your resolve for the future. Wish PT felt that way.

So, once again, welcome. You'll find support here. We always support those who try to do the right thing.

Lori


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