Well, the boys and I spent the day with my h yesterday. He got to the house at 11am. We stayed here until 12:30 or so. <P>He is concerned about child support, meaning he is concerned he is going to get screwed over. PI$$ me off! I am the one who got screwed over here! He gave me $700 in the month of February to go towards the bills. I reported it to my social worker as income from him. I then told him that he can't give me money because it counts as income and messes up my assistance which can hurt him in the end. So, I think he thinks that I am somehow trying to rip him off. I told him he has to open up his own checking account and pay the bills out of there. He is all worried about having to pay back child support. I told him he should have thought about all that four months ago before he started his affair. That didn't make him too happy. BUT, I am sorry, the way I see it is I am the one who is suffering here. He has a nice brand new trailer home to live in with his little sweetie. I have to sell my house and move into low income housing with my boys. Why is it that he is the one who did all this rotten crap and I am suddenly the b**** here? I was never a b****. He said one of the guys he works with told him not to put any overtime in for 6 months. That way he won't have to pay so much child support. That is a genius thing to say to a father who has just left his family! So, that made me feel that my h is going to work telling people that I am going to try and screw him over. Well, that is not my intention. I just want to get what the boys and I deserve. I did remind him that I am the one getting screwed over. I suppose that is a love buster but at this point it is over anyway. I am sorry, why should I feel sorry for him? Why should I worry if he doesn't come out very good in the end. He doesn't seem to care how we will come out. We won't come out too great! He always wanted me to stay home with the kids. So, I did until the youngest started school almost three years ago. Then I went to work on mother's hours. That way I could be there for the boys before and after school. That to me is very important. I thought it was important to my husband also. Now, I find out we don't really matter to him at all. At least that is how I feel. I guess what I am saying is that I haven't got a college education and that I am not going to find a job that pays wonderfully to begin with. My sister works for a major insurance company and wants me to come work there. I am willing to do that. She makes over $30,000 a year now. She is doing very well but it is a high stress job. I will be ok, I am not going to have myself a pity party. I am just upset that he is all concerned about being screwed over. That bugs the hell out of me!<P>I did tell him that I do not plan to get nasty through this whole thing. I feel it is important to stay on friendly terms for the sake of the boys. I slipped and told him I love him. He told me he loves me too. This whole thing is so stupid. If he would just get his head out of his a$$, he would realize that he is being a total butt and come home. Not that I want him at this point! <P>When he had been to the house on Monday, he was still wearing his wedding ring. I pointed that out to him. Well, when he showed up yesterday, he wasn't wearing it anymore. I asked him if he pawned it. He said he wouldn't do that and that he is going to keep it. I told him I am planning on having mine melted down and redesigned when I can afford to. He got tears in his eyes. I wasn't saying it to be hurtful. I probably won't even do that anyway. That leads me to a question... I feel that I should wear my ring until the divorce is final. Although I am now feeling like it is a farce to keep wearing it. I just can't bring myself to take it off though and go around without it on. It is so much a part of who I am. Any advice on that?<P>Also, am I expecting too much to stay on friendly terms with him? Should I just go into plan B? He has a truck at his brother's house which is three hours away from here. He wants to go get it in a couple of weeks and bring it back and sell it. I told him the boys and I would go and pick him up and drive him down there so he can get it. That means a three hour car trip with him. There is a possibility that plan may fall through anyway. I do want to stay on friendly terms with him. One of the reasons I want to do that is to get to the ow. I know that isn't the best reason in the world. The main reason I want to stay on friendly terms is because of the kids. We have graduations and birthdays, weddings and grandchildren to face together. I think we need to set a good example by being civil to one another. I am going to have a hard time being civil to that woman though. She will be a part of his life and somehow I have to learn to deal with it. How do I do that? Are there any books on that subject? I would be happy as a plum if I never had to meet her. I did tell my husband that I think it should be a long time before the boys meet her. Like a year. He said he didn't know if that would be possible. MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT! I am having a very hard time with all of this. The woman's husband called me last week and told me all sorts of crap about her and I know she is someone I don't want my kids to be around. For starters, my own husband told me that she told him she was a slut in high school. She cheated on her first husband several times. She is still married to her second husband and is now living with my husband who is still married to me. Right there, bad example. She has a 16 year old daughter who still lives at home with her. I think she is a horrible mother to be doing what she is doing in front of her 16 year old daughter. Her husband told me that she was mean to his kids when they would come to visit him. He doesn't even have a relationship with his kids because of her. She would say awful things about his kids mother to them. I am supposed to let my kids go there? I do want to try and get supervised visitation. I am starting to feel like I am not going to have a leg to stand on with that one. My family wants supervised visitation. His own mother and brother and his wife think supervised vistitation would be appropriate. The thing is, how do you keep things civil when you tell the father of your children that he can only see them when they are all at his brother's house. I hate him for bringing this woman into our lives. She is a self-admitted tramp. She doesn't deny it. What my husband ever saw in her I don't know. Her own husband told me that she was the one who pursued him when they ended up together. HE said she was absolutely relentless with him and that she talked about sex to him all the time. THat is exactly what she did to my husband. I know this because my h told me what she talked to him about. How disgusting!<P>Ok, I am sorry, I had to vent. I am very angry right now at this whole mess my husband put me and our children in. I don't know if anyone has any insight to any of this. The boys and I are going to counseling again on Wednesday and I think that I am going to have to set up some counseling times for just me. I have a lot to deal with thanks to my husband! HELP ME!!!!!<P>Oh, he went out and bought a different car also. He brought my brother's car back so that was mighty decent of him. <P>We went and saw a movie and then we had to drive him back to the town where he is staying. When my youngest son found out he wasn't coming back to our house he started bawling. That broke my heart. We dropped him off at the gas station because I told him I didn't want to see where he was staying. I can't face that yet. NO WAY!!! This all just sucks!<P>~Woozy <P>[This message has been edited by woozy (edited February 27, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by woozy (edited February 27, 2000).]

Yes you should stay on friendly terms if for nothing else except the boys. How friendly you stay is up to you. Personally, I wouldn't go out at all, have "family time" together, talk on the phone about me or her. I would want anything to do with her except as it pertains to the children.<P>I have my wedding ring on. It's gonna stay on until a divorce (God forbid) is final. Then she gets it back.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I have been divorced 2 1/2 yrs after 28 yrs of marriage. It has not been easy on either of us. Eventhough he left me for OW, she tends to give him grief, as he calls it, over any contact with me. Eventhough I have hadcounseling, I still have issues of anger to work out. We actually got along better the first yr. of divorce than we do now. We do try to be civil for our children, but it is very difficult. I did look at the divorceasfriends post that you referred to in another post, and it does offer excellant advice. I hope with the passage of more time, we wll learn to get along better, but I doubt we will ever be friends. I hope better for you.

Woozy,<P>I commend you for wanting to have a good relationship with your H for the sake of your kids. And I think you are right about that. As for as your kids go you must at least put on a civil front even if your heart tells you otherwise. <P>Your H may make this hard but rise above it if you can and know that you are the better person here for doing it. You can't control the example your H sets for your kids, you can only control the example you set. <P>Acacia<P>

Thank you Acacia,<P>This is going to be one hard road to travel. I do want to do my best to set a good example for my children, unlike their father. I am still blown away by the fact that he can just walk away from his family like he has done. Yes, he says he will make sure he supports his kids. He told me he isn't abandoning them. Well, I am not sure his 7 year old feels that way. He misses his dad. My 9 year old is ok with him being gone. They didn't have a very good relationship anyway. So, life is a lot easier for him with his dad gone. <P>I guess I have been going through a lot of emotions lately. Anger, hate, sadness, feeling so lost and alone. I guess I have been shutting myself off from the world. I have been going to work and talking to people on the phone but I haven't had any company to the house except for my husband yesterday and how much fun was that? That just broke my heart all the more. <P>My sister says that I shouldn't have any contact with him. She thinks that will make him miss us and want to come back. I am feeling pretty sure that he is where he wants to be. It just hurts to hear him talk about his ow's daughter and what she does when he has children and a family of his own right in front of him. But, he chooses not to be here. <P>I hate this whole thing. Everyone keeps telling me that one day he will regret what he has done. I don't know if I buy that one. I think he left to be with this ow because she is 11 years older than me and her daughter is 16 and will be out of the house in two years. Then they will have freedom. No kids to get in the way and they can do whatever they want. <P>My husband and I used to look forward to the days when the boys would leave home and it would just be us again. I love my boys, don't get me wrong, it was just one of those things you think of when you are parents. My husband and I had a lot of plans. We had plans for our home, plans for grandkids. He already has a box of toys that he has been collecting for when we have grandkids. Now, we won't get to share in that together. I had trips I wanted to take with him, places I wanted to see with him. Now that is all gone. <P>I know that I need to learn to let go. For the most part I am doing ok with the fact that he won't be in my life that much anymore. I guess I am just having a sad weekend. My sisters are coming next weekend. That will help me tremendously! <P>I guess this is what you would call the death of a dream. It hurts too. I think I am beginning to miss his touch and his kisses and his love too. I think I was blocking that all out. I am now allowing myself to feel the pain. It hurts.<P>Well, my boys need me! By the way, I did take my ring off. I am wearing a tiger's eye ring that I used to wear when I was in high school. It just hurts to look at my wedding ring knowing what I know. <P>~woozy

I know it's hard, hang in there, you can do it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I have to sell my house and move into low income housing with my boys.</B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's so hard to give up your home. Is there any way you could lease your house to someone who would make payments direct to the bank? Someday when the house is paid for you will have a home to live in. I have done this with 2 houses. One of them is paid off now and the other will be paid for in 6 years. I had to put the deeds in my daughters name to keep the income from counting against me at the time.<P>Keo <P>This roller coaster ride is for the birds! I get dizzy so easy.<P>

I am having trouble with the staying friends part. Do you have any other friends that lie to you, hurt you more than you have ever been hurt before, and exhibit traits that you don't find appealing ?<P>I do agree you should remain civil for the kids sake, but being friendly I have a problem with. As for the trips, if he is still with ow, then why bother.

I do love my H BUT I will never consider him a friend of mine. We are staying friendly towards each other, civil, as one called it, but if he thinks he can call me a friend, he can shove it up his a$$.<P>Sorry but after what he has done to me, I am not his friend. I am the mother of his kids, I am his soon to be ex wife, I was the love of his life, but no longer am I his friend.<P>Thanks for letting me vent woozy, I do think there is a difference between being civil and being friends. Why does he deserve to have you as a friend?? <P>Hope you are ok, Dana

Oh Woozy,<BR> This is so very sad! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your boys. My 7 yo D used to cry almost every day when H and I were separated. In my opinion it is time for a STRONG plan B.Don't let your divorce be final without attempting the plan B approach. I think it(plan B) needs time to take effect.Maybe it could be the thing that pries his head out of his a$$(a head so far up his a$$ he's using his bellybutton as a peep hole!). What an idiot,sounds like he's really got prize material in that OW of his, NOT! Blessings to you !

Woozy,<BR>...so terribly sorry that your husband is still so lost...my thoughts and prayers are for you and your boys....it's going to be a tough road for the three of you but if there was anyone that sounded like they were going to be ok....that's you.<P>Just a note on the house thing...a house is just a house....you and the boys will have a **HOME** no matter where or what it is. <P>-Tina