<BR>Well, I just talked to H and in one conversation he told me 3 times that he filed and 2 times that he didn't file. So who knows??<P>To be honest with you all, it really didn't bother me. Oh, I'm definately going to contest it if I can, but I'm really not too sure if my marriage is worth saving now. <P>This might be long so please bear with me...<BR>We got married when I was 6 months pregnant. By the time I was 8 months pregnant, I got beat for the first time. And this continued for the duration of the marriage. My hair has been pulled out, my face beaten on one side that it was bruised from my hairline to my neck on the right side, my head pt thru the wall 2 times, dishes thrown at me, spit on, and basically every part of my body bruised. Text book case of a battered wife. I've been belittled and called every name in the book. Only one of which I can be (b***h). Nothing I did pleased him. I've been chased out of my house and my head beat on a rock, and most of the doors in my house have had holes put in them. I also have a permanent knot on my leg from being kicked and a permanent shoulder injury to my shoulder from it being twisted. And not once did I call the police. The story could go on and on...<P>But, yeah, I've been depressed since he left because I thought my world was coming to an end. Since he left, I do not have to walk on eggshells, I don't have to worry about when he's coming home or whether he will come home or not. Or if he'll be sober when he comes home. <P>I know I may completely change my mind tomorrow, but for now that's how I feel. I do not want to walk on eggshells anymore, and if I get him to come home, I'll have to do that for a while. I honestly feel relief right now.<P>I'm not leaving the forum. Not yet. I still need the support but unless something changes in him soon, I will not try to get m marriage restored. I will only try to do it on good terms.<P>Thanks, <BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>Now that I have the tears out of my eyes I can type. Help me to understand something, please do not take this wrong. Why do you want to reconcile with your abusive H. I have read many of your posts and replies. You are a beautilful person that <B>deserves</B> to be treated well. I am one that has <B>ZERO</B> tolerence for physical abuse and the mental abuse that goes along with it.<P>I know it goes against MB principles but IMHO get out. Take all you can and build a new life with a man that will show you the love and affection you so want. I must so as I read this post my fists were clenched and I had tears streaming down my face. Enjoy the peace and serenity you have. I promice that God will put a kind, caring, loveing,<B>Gentle</B> man in your life.<P>What you have been through should never happen to you again. You do deserve all that a loving marrige has to offer.<P>Bill<P>"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3<BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<P>Now that I'M done crying (because of your reply), I can type. <P>That's just my point. I don't think I want to save my marriage. It would take alot of work on his part, and he's just not willing to do it. <P>Call it low self-esteem, call it stupidity, but I always thought he would wake up. I guess I was just fooling myself. I'm waking up though. I always thought I would not put up with an abuse from my H, but when it happened, I let it go. Then I said if he ever cheated on me, I'd divorce him. And I tried my hardest to get him home. It is REALLY hard to understand if you've never been in the situation. <P>I somtimes wonder why this has to happen to people, but it does. And it is very hard to get out of. You feel like a failure because you couldn't make your spouse love you enough to treat you right. I know to some that sounds dumb but that's how it is. My H made me feel like no one else would want a 30 year old woman with 3 kids and I started believing him. And then there's the loneliness. He has moved on and already has someone else. (although I'm sure that won't last), but I feel like I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. <P>I don't know why I posted all of this info. I guess to vent and to basically be able to get this out in the open, (not many people know about this). And to get rid of the feelings that I have dealt with by myself for so long. I guess it's a release and a way to really start healing.<P>Prayers to you,<BR>Mitzi<P><BR>

I am so angry about what you have put up with all these years---You are not a failure--you are a survivor and now it's time for you to grab all the life you can for you and your children. I say again, you are not a failure--your husband failed you! There is no excuse for abuse of any type!!I know how difficult it can be when you feel trapped but this pattern has got to stop, or it will go down the chain in your family. Don't let this cycle of violence affect you and especially your children any longer. I really believe it is time to take action to claim the new life you deserve!

db713,<BR>My sentiments exactly! I am slowly coming to the same conclusion. My God it's taken me 10 years to say that! Better late than never. <P>I no longer feel like a failure although I did for a long time. I'm going to do my best to give my kids the happy home they deserve. And hope for the best. I hope this hasn't had too much effect on my kids already. <P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>First, 30 years old is not OLD. You are a young woman, who just started marriage early. Second, I am a man and I don't beat up on people that I don't like muchless someone I love. It is not normal for someone you love to beat you. <P>I know this is marriagebuildes but: Please Please, get out of this marriage. It would harm you and your children to be in this marriage again. It would seem to me that you have been done a hugh favor by your H having an affair and leaving. Don't be sad rejoice and get on with your life. Believe me there are plenty of men out there who are looking for a loving woman.<P>Please take care of yourself and think about what God has laid upon your plate.<P>God Bless You and Your Children,<P>JL

JL,<BR>Believe me, I have had the 2 months that my H has been gone to learn what it's like without him. I'm starting to feel the relief! <P>Oh, and no I don't think I'm old. Actually I feel pretty good about being 30. I'm just beginning my life now. (Plus I still get carded, so that's a big ego boost! LOL)Sometimes I do FEEL old though. But I think the feeling of misery I had during my marriage made me feel that way. <P>I know that this does kinda go against MB but it's finding this place and hearing from everyone here, and reading about everyone, that made me realize moreso that my marriage is not normal and really not worth saving. Even my own MIL says that. So you all have helped me grow in a way that I may have not otherwise done.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi -- The first think I thought as I read your post is that your H is a coward.<P>I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no excuse for ANY man to subject a woman to what you have been through.<P>My thoughts and prayers go out to you.<P>God Bless

ES,<P>No need to apologize! I'm now thinking the same thing. Of course, the whole time I've known him, he's never even come close to hitting a man. Wonder why??<P>Please don't picture me as being afraid and cowering in the corner. I wasn't at all. I was not afraid of him, I did fight back. But I'm 5'2" and weigh 108 lbs. He's 6' and weighs 180 lbs. so I didn't have much of a chance of winning. God, some of this sounds so pathetic. But I don't want everyone to think I am a meak, little, pathetic mouse. I'm not like that. I was only that way with him. I honestly don't know why though. <P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>It always amazes me how the tone of a negative threaf gets that up swing after we have dumped our garbage.<P>I am of the oinion that you are trying to save your marriage. Your next one that is. Even the Harleys concede that some marriages are unsalvagable. For your own safety I would make your H really prove that he is a changed person, I however don't see that happening. Also think of your 3 children, thet do not need to see mommy being abused.<P>So back to my original reply. You are a young woman, with a very careing heart, that will find a <B>gentle</B> man to love and will love you. From this site and these boards you now have the skills to have a marriage that works. You now know what your needs are and how to negotiate getting them met.<P>Do not leave these boards as others in your position do, your experience, strength and hope can be share with others that find themselves walking down the road you have traveled.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

mitzi,<BR>girl why havent you called? I cant say anything about your feelings because I am feeling the same way H just call a while a go...told me not to tell him I love him any more, before he said it was fine,I think it was the last thing I can take...I'm letting him have what he wants in two weeks. I know I will be ok I have my babies and they are all I need to go on.<BR>Love ya hun<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"It took me quite a while to realize that <B>the real deal</B> is to be able to be enough of a person your own to know when somebody loves you and cares about you"<BR>----Stevie Ray Vaughan<P>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

Bill,<BR>If I ever do get married again, he will definately have to prove himself very worthy. <P>I really don't hold out hope of my H changing. I still have love for him, but I don't see him ever getting the therapy, anger management and alcohol counseling he needs. <P>I have no intention of leaving here. I know that even though my situation is pretty hopeless, I'm still gonna have bad days to get thru. And that's where you guys come in.<P>Hopefully I will be able to help someone else out. But look how long it took me to actually let all of this out. I was in denial. Maybe my H was my addiction and the longer I'm away from him the less I need him.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Lesa,<BR>I'm sorry about not calling. But really I'm fine. Just doing alot of soul-searching and realizing that I'm ok without him. Financially it will be hard but I will be alright. It's gonna take some getting used to but I have to live for me and not for him. My kids need me to be happy and healthy. Sure, I'll be lonely for adult MALE companionship but I'll manage (hmmmm maybe my virginity will return too!! LOL)<P>I honestly don't know what I'd have done without you.<P>Love,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi sweetie...<P>As I read your post, my heart sunk to its depth. I sat back and just stared at my screen, numb.<P>In my many years at my home, I clean out my closets every 2-3 years (again I did it yesterday) and donate my cloths to a battered woman's shelter. After reading what you wrote... well... it has now hit home. Please take you and your children and go. My fists clench in anger and pain when I think of your abuse.<P>I don't know if this will help you understand part of what you have been going through, but I do hope it sheds some light. Please bear with me...<P>The number one fear that everyone has (and most cannot admit) is fear of rejection. The number one need that everyone has (and most cannot admit this either) is acceptance. Your S's abuse is rejection, so the more you are rejected, the harder you try. And with the glimpses of affection or caring that he did (if ever) show, this was acceptance. I bet you shined in those moments... if only briefly. Mitzi, the one thing you will ALWAYS find here is your #1 need... ACCEPTANCE! We all accept you for who you are. We love you Mitzi!<P>I am 39 and from experience, let me tell you... there are a TON of men out there looking for super great ladies like yourself. I have met many of them, most have children (some young kids and some already adults). Do not ever sell yourself short. These men were all D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D. Another thing to keep in mind Mitzi, is that until a person is LEGALLY divorced, they are neither legally available NOR emotionally available. Some (most actually) are not emotionally ready until some time later. File and get out. Give yourself 6 months to a year. Learn who Mitzi is again. I am sure we all here at MB will be with you the entire way.<P>I for one Mitzi will NOT give up on you! Hold your head up high and be proud of you. You are unique... there will never be another you on this earth.<P>God's speed be with you Mitzi.<BR>(and post when you need us... we care!)<BR>

Mitzi,<BR> I've known some women that were in abusive marriages.It's seems some men just can't control their temper,or were raised in a violent envirament.You're not that old,maybe you be better off getting out of this relationship.If your H hasn't really filed,maybe you should find a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners for treating you that way.There's no excuse for hitting you.Life can be better for you.Even being on your own has to be better than that.By the way,could you call my W and tell her your story?She said I was too passive.If your H ever hits you again,let me know.I'm a little ways away,but I'm 6'1"and 220 lbs,and I'll come over and drop him like a bad habit! <BR> --Murph

Mitzi,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>. I was in denial. Maybe my H was my addiction and the longer I'm away from him the less I need him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That statement is growth. Seeing things for how they are and not as we would have them is a <B>huge</B> obsticle in this thing called recovery. Yes you will continue on this yoyo but there is another side and with this thread you have begun the journey.<P>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Fiancee,<BR>It's ok, my H doesn't live here now. He's been gone for 2 months and I think that's why I'm feeling so much better about myself. <BR>And yes, we did have good times. And yes they were great and when we had bad times they were horrible. I fought so hard to get the good that I over looked the bad. I lived for the good days.<BR>Now I just have so many more to look forward to.(no I don't plan on rushing into any relationship. Gotta have time for just me)<P>Murph,<BR>Thanks for the offer!! It's weird though my dad lives 3 houses away from me and the 1 time he found out about any of this I talked him out of it. He would have killed my H! (Dad's 6'3" and weighs about 250 lbs.) I guess I have my dad wrapped around my little finger cause he didn't do it. I know he would love to. <BR>I can't really take him to the cleaners because he has nothing. But he has a job and I'm going to get everything I need from him to take care of my sons. I guess this will be Plan B for me!! LOL<P>Thanks guys,<BR>Mitzi

Bill,<BR>I am growing. I've been feeling this way for a few days now. It's just not worth it to spend all of my time trying to please my H and I'll never be able to do it. Which stinks, because I took my vows very seriously. But obviously he didn't, he forgot to cherish me. <P>Mitzi

I just want to thank all of you!!!!<P>I wasn't sure whether to expect sympathy or anger when I posted. A lot of people get angry and criticize when they find out someone has gone thru this. They want to know why you stay and actually expect an answer. If I had that answer, I could eventually figure out why staying isn't the right thing to do. <P>And I didn't want pity. I just needed to get it off my chest and let you all understand why I can't fight for my marriage anymore. It would be a constant battle for the rest of my life and I don't need that.<P>Thanks for being what you've always been: caring and supportive. Not judgemental and critical.<P>Love,<BR>Mitzi

Hey you,<P>It was a coming out day, wasn't it? You know my mail. You use it anytime you need to. I have the utmost respect for you, although I believe you do need to heed that unanswered prayer. He knows what He is doing.