Claire,<BR>Yeah, I guess it was coming out day. But it's turned out pretty good.<P>I hope whatever He has in store for me is something good this time around. I think He allowed me to go thru this to make me stronger and it worked. I AM stronger!!<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>I never realized you suffered the abuse that you have.<P>I too am married to someone who can be abusive. I think it is a blessing that you are beginning to feel like this. <P>My husband is a conflict avoider that uses abuse (mental, emotional, financial, and sometimes physical) to avoid dealing with issues. It is a real horrible life to live, to live with someone like this.<P>They don't know how to resolve conflict. They believe that if they can't get you to quit bringing up the issues, their problems will go away. This isn't true.<P>I encourage you to work towards the goal of being free of "walking on eggshells". <P>Are you in any kind of support group other than MB - for battered women? I know you never called the police, but you should still go to a support group.<P>Abuse is about power/control. You need to understand the dynamics of the abusive relationship. There are so many reasons for understanding. 1) To prevent yourself from falling for the same kinda guy again. 2) To regain your self esteem.<P>And another reason why you should seek professional (FREE) help, is because abusive relationships that can no longer be physically abusive - turn to a different kind of abuse. Sometimes the abuser turns to the legal system to use this as a forum to abuse you further.<P>Look at Mental's case. This is classic. Her husband is abusive, and can no longer get away with physically abusing, so he is resorting to abusing her through a custody case and intimidation and fear. <P>You need to get as much support for yourself as possible. I have been urging mental to go to the shelters and get the counseling she needs for her and the kids. I am sure the power/control is totally the motivation for her custody case. She needs the professional (FREE) help.<P>You go get help NOW, not later, okay? Let us know how you are doing.<P>TNT

TNT,<BR>I am doing surprisingly well this morning. I'm in the same frame of mind I was last night. I have been crying some but I think that is because of all the kind words I've gotten here. Also I'm grieving from the death of my marriage. And it has died. But I've found myself laughing about more things in the past couple of days than I have in a long time.<P>And don't worry about not realizing the extent of this. No one did. Except me, H and the boys. My in-laws suspected it but didn't know the extent of it. I still haven't told many people.<P>No I haven't been to counseling. There is a family crisis center here that offers counseling but I know several people that work there. I'm going to try to find a group to go to. <P>I will be ok. No, better than ok, I'll actually be great now.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<BR>I work in a domestic violence shelter, and I can tell you from experience that these behaviour patterns do not change. In many cases they become worse and worse and many times end in tragedy. If you are even thinking of reconciling with your H, please call your local DV shelter or coalition and get help. They will not judge you regardless of whether your decision is to stay in the marriage or leave it. There are many things they can offer you, including counseling, support groups, shelter, and in many cases they can help refer you to legal help or provide court advocacy if you would decide to leave him permanently. Or they can just lend you an ear to talk to about what is happening. No one, and I repeat NO ONE deserves to be treated the way he has treated you. You are a human being and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Margaret,<BR>No, at this time I do not plan on reconciling with him. And you're right, they do not get better, only worse. The last 2 years were the worst. <P>He's just not willing to admit that he has the problem. He wants me to believe that it was all my fault. Not true. When you wake someone up to go to work and they grab you by the neck and pin you against the wall, how are you at fault?? That's just his way of thinking.<P>I say good riddance. Let the person he is with now worry about all of that and deal with it. She wanted him, she gets all the problems that go along with it.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

{{{{{{Mitzi}}}}}<P>Sorry I am joining in late. I took this weekend to do some soul searching myself. <P>I am SO sorry to hear of your situation. That took a lot of courage to speak out about it. I had tears in my eyes reading it.<P>This is a blessing, some women who are beat can never get away from their abuser. This is your chance for a better life. The finance situation will come together over time. But your life and safety are truly more important.<P>My prayers are with you. I can not tell you to Divorce him, or save the marriage. Only you can chose your path in life. I know how hard it is to love someone and walk away. But you will survive this Mitzi. Let him go beat the OW, (she deserves a beating as far as I am concerned). I agree with the one person above, most of the abusers never change. <P>My prayers are with you. I sent you a private email this morning so you will see why I have been gone this weekend. <P>Be strong, we are all here to support you. Just because some of us decide not to save the marriage, we are healing in one way or another and can support each other just the same. I am changing my mind about this marriage every day. I understand completely.<P>Dana<BR>

Hi Mitzi,<P>You certainly have endured a lot. I think the problem may have been that you became "co-dependent" on your H. You love him so you wanted to help him with HIS problem. That's why you put up with his bullcrap. But, in turn, your trying to help him, made you co-dependent. Know what I mean?<P>Did you ever get that book that I told you about recently, "Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It is a great book about learning to not be co-dependent anymore and how to live a full and rewarding life.<P>You deserve a full and rewarding life. It sounds like you are on your way. Please do not leave Marriage Builders anytime soon. It is too soon for that. You have a lot that you can offer others and will receive the support to help you through this.

Mitzi,<BR>You are right. No matter how much they try to tell you it was your fault they lost their temper, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Blaming it on something you or the children did is just an excuse they use to justify what they did. And then of course there is the honeymoon stage where they apologize and promise that it will never happen again. But it always does.<BR>Good luck to you and remember, if you need any help, call your local DV shelter. They are most all nonprofits, so there is no charge for their services.<BR>God bless you.

Hi Mitzi,<P>Good grief what a story!<P>This affair may be the best thing that's happened to you for a long time (and the worst thing for the OW). I'm sorry but your husband needs a massive amount of treatment to change to a good husband. It doesn't look likely to happen. If I were you I would be planning to cut my losses and enjoy the rest of my life.<P>Take care of yourself.

Dana,<BR>(((((HUGS))))) back to you. I read your email but haven't had a chance to reply to it yet.<P>I can't stay married to him. Even if I wanted to, I can't. He's just caused me too much grief. But I honestly doubt that anyone here will try to convince me to stay. <P>I am growing and getting stronger. There is a better life waiting for me.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi<P>NoTrust,<BR>No I never got the book. I'm going to get it soon though so I don't go back to that way of living. <P>I think that co-dependency isn't all bad, but in a situation like mine, it is. Some people aren't as lucky as me. I never had any injuries that were bad enough for me to go to the hospital. Although one time, I would have sworn my jaw was broke. Now I just look back and go, "Geez what was I thinking???"<P>I'm not leaving MB. I still can learn skills to help me in any future relationships I may have. Plus, I've gotten so caught up in everyone's stories that I don't think I could leave. I want to be here to see success stories and help those who are still trying.<P>Thanks,<BR>Mitzi

Margaret,<BR>I won't need the shelter because I have the house. He's gone. But I'm going to look for a group meeting to go to. <BR>Thanks for the advice.<P>Hanora,<BR>I am looking at this as a blessing now. Before, I was devastated. But now I've had a chance to be without him and I don't want to worry about the violence anymore.<P>Thanks a bunch,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>Part of what happened to you leaves you feeling ashamed. Think about this. Think about your 'friends' at the shelter near you. If they are truly friends, then they will support you even more than a stranger. <P>Think about the concept of being ashamed. Where does that come from? Why do we feel like we need to protect them from their choice to abuse us? Why do we continue to "cover it up?" <P>I have a kinda high profile job, a lot of visibility in the community, and I have felt "ashamed" also. <P>Mitzi: I truly am thankful that you are recognizing this and starting to talk about it. Open up to someone else in your area about what happened. If you can't bring yourself to GO to the shelter, then pick ONE friend to share this with. Feel their reaction. You will find that a true friend will understand and support you. Maybe they will not enable you to suffer more abuse, but they will try and help you get safe, in some small ways.<P>I have told a couple of my friends. I can barely mention the abuse on MB or I keep getting told to leave him. It further isolates me, because I don't want to leave. Mitzi, whatever you decide to do, I am here for you. I, in many ways, wish I felt like you.<P>But, call the shelter anyways. Make a one on one appointment, just to talk to one person. They are bound to confidentiality. Tell them you value confidentiality very much, and expect them to adhere to it.<P>Call them and get some help, please Mitzi.<P>TNT <P>

TNT,<BR>I have told my closest friend and she tries to support me. The thing is she got very angry at my H and basically threw a temper tantrum. But she's getting better about not giving too mch advice.<P>We also have a clinic here that offers family and group therapies. Their fees are based on a sliding scale so it might not cost me anything to go. I'm going to call them today and see about it. <P>I know exactly what you mean about being ashamed. I even went out of town for a weekend so my family wouldn't see what my H did to me. That's pretty bad.<P>TNT, if you ever get to the point I am, I will be here for you. It's the hardest place to get to. But sometimes something just hits you and clicks. Like the little lightbulb above your head. Just keep yourself safe!<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi<P>p.s. I have an appointment with a lawyer next Tuesday. He's a real shark too!! LOL<P>if you ever want to email me:<P>mitzihartman@webtv.net

Mitzi,<P>The following website may help you understand your H, and yourself. I found this right after my H was arrested and it helped me see things more clearly.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.s-t.com/projects/DomVio/content.HTML" TARGET=_blank>http://www.s-t.com/projects/DomVio/content.HTML</A> <P>Love ya, and I'm praying for you,<P>MTAW<BR>

This site is the right one, sorry!!! <BR> <A HREF="http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm</A> <P>Although the other one did give me some insights. <P>

MTAW,<BR>Thanks for the links. I checked out the 2nd one. So much of that is me, but there were some things that weren't me. For one, I controlled the finances. If I hadn't we wouldn't have had anything. Of course, he resented having to give me the money. He used to complain that he was the man, he made the money, and he should have as much in his pocket as he wanted. His friends always had money but most of them were single. <P>I'm gonna check out the other one soon. <P>Thanks again,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi: I don't know whether to give you the purple heart for surviving battle or give you a big hug to comfort your pain. I think you need the hug more. I believe that you will do fine on your own. As time passes and hurts heal, you will find someone(if you are ready) that will compliment you, not destroy you. For now though, you need to heal yourself and your children. In the words of a great leader.."I am somebody" You are an individual of great worth and contribution. You need to look at yourself in the mirror; at the pretty face staring back at you and say "I am somebody" and I AM NOT TO BE ABUSED IN ANY MANNER!!! My love and prayers to you.

Sobeit,<BR>I know that I will be ok. It's gonna be a struggle for a while but I know I'll manage. <P>I do look in the mirror everyday. I thank God that I wasn't hurt more than I was. <P>I know that this is so hard for some people to read and believe that there are people who actually go thru this and stay, but I guess I'm immune to some of the pain. I can think about it or write about it and it doesn't even upset me. It's when I get replies from people here who are going thru their own pain and struggles that I get upset. It's the knowing that there are people who care and are not judgemental at all. <P>Sobeit, you take care of you too and BTW I'll take hugs over medals anyday!<P>Prayers and (((((HUGS))))) to you<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi! I see that you have many here who support you and love you. This is terrific! And I hope it keeps your spirits high!<P>Just a thought and please don't take this in the wrong manner (I mean no harm by it... just a thought to consider). Have you looked into a restraining order for the future? I mean, you don't necessarily have to get one now, but just incase he threatens you be prepared. I know that you said it went on for a long time, and if there is no evidence (pictures, witnesses, police reports and such)... well, I just want you to be careful and protect yourself. You are #1!<P>I also want to thank you for having the courage to tell us, the courage to face the reality of this and admit what is "in your words" not right/acceptable. Of course we all agree with you whole heartedly, but for it to come from you, well... this is the best courage of all. Sometimes it is easier to just avoid things... facing can become difficult and mostly scary. So hats off to you! <P>I do not have many words of wisdom, but this one is for you: "Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I may not forget you."<P>God Bless You!

Yes, I have thought about the restraining order. If I have to get one I will. So far he hasn't been threatening me, but you never know what will happen in the future.<P>My spirits are still up, no regrets. Actually to be honest with you, I got up this morning feeling better than I have in a long time. No restlessness, no nightmares, just peaceful sleep. <P>And I love the little quote at the bottom of your message!!<P>Mitzi