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Joined: Feb 2000
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Hi friends on the forum,<P>First of all, I want to start by saying this forum is a wonderful place with many wonderful people. A month ago, you all have helped to save my life. I am so thankful that I stumbled onto this site. <P>Many of you know me as I post a lot, but was gone for a week or so. But a brief overview, my H left me on xmas, he moved with OW a week later, he told me it was temporary, he stold tax money, he sued me for divorce, he has turned into a cruel person along the way.<P>I did Plan A for a while. I started to feel I had no self esteem, no respect for myself and felt like I was just desperate to be loved. I cried and was in a lot of pain. I almost moved to Plan B, but somehow stayed in Plan A.<P>Then I just snapped. I couldn't take the abuse anymore and thats how I describe what I was feeling by being betrayed and living with it.<P>I was so worried about no LB's and Plan A, that I allowed myself to be treated like a piece of garbage. I have 3 daughters. I got to thinking, if a man was doing this to my girls, he'd be floating in the river if I had a say in it. Sorry to the men out there, this is just me being honest. I figured, I need to show my girls that there is more to life than this pain I am in.<P>I started going out with my best friend, once a week on the weekends. The first few times were very scary. After being in a relationship where I was smothered for 10 years with no freedom yet H had all the freedom in the world. I was scared to get out. Soon enough, I began to love this weekly outing. <P>I started meeting lots of different men, and am learning how to become a good judge at whose a genuine nice guy compared to the real jerks right off the bat. I like meeting new people. I am not out to settle down by any means. I just am learning and living again.<P>I did hook up with an old ex for a brief time period. I don't feel guilty about it. Matter of fact, that was a big turning step for me. But then, all of a sudden, I snapped.<P>I went from feeling sad and hurt, to feeling dead and numb. To feeling angry, to now feeling totally ready to stand up and face a whole new world. I am falling behind on some bills, but we are surviving and I am doing a great job. <P>At some point, I just gave up on H. I gave up on the marriage, and I decided he is a truly dispicable human being. One that I would never be able to trust again. Sure I might be able to after a year of misery, but I cried enough. I don't want to settle down, but oddly enough as soon as I walked away from the heart ache and pain, I met someone.<P>Now we haven't known each other long. I can only compare him to my H and other men I met recently, but when I am around him, I get butterflies in my stomach. I am very attracted to him and I think about him a lot. Now I don't want to be on a rebound, I don't want to be settled down again right away, but I can't ignore my feelings. <P>I am glad I met him after I decided the marriage was over, rather than making the decision after I met him. I am glad I was strong enough to pull myself up and say I am done with this marriage. Now I do feel it is awful quick to meet someone new. Please understand, I was not looking by any means when I met him. I feel like I am sounding like a betrayer with what I am saying, but in my case, I do want to get to know him better.<P>I am not divorced yet, but I am not contesting it anymore either. My H is being sweet as pie to me, talks about how we are going to be friends, and civil for the next 18 years. Quite honestly, he and I are getting along better this way than before. I would not tell H this, but at this point, he is NO friend of mine, he is a jerk. But I put on a happy face for the kids. He says he can tell my mind and heart are elsewhere at this point. I don't tell him anything about my life anymore.<P>I am eating again, I am sleeping again. I laugh and smile, I spend more quality time with my kids. For the first time in ten years, I am finding out who I am. I had kids at 18 so I lost a lot. Now I am 27 and ready to take my life back.<P>I agree 100% with the Harley Principles. I saw results from Plan A. I couldn't compete with OW, MIL and H trying to destroy me for a while. It was my lawyer who said take control of the situation. I did, and I have been controlling H without him knowing it, its actually kind of amusing. He talks to me, like when we first met, like we are friends, about dumb stuff, but we talk. When I saw him this weekend, I felt a little spark of love deep down, but I look at him different now. I don't find him attractive, or irresistable any more. I pity him because his affair will crumble and he will be all alone. I do believe what comes around goes around, and their relationship is doomed.<P>I didn't make it to Plan B. In a way, H plan B'd me, not that he knows this program, but he did. And the time apart, gave me a clear head.<P>I am going to stay at the site, and support everyone in what ever way I can. I hope you will all do the same for me. A week from now, its a possibility I will be a crying mess again, but I am going to do what I can to survive, be happy and be proud of who I am again.<P>When I was on Plan A, I seemed to hate myself. I was never good enough for anyone, not H, not my kids, not myself. I allowed H to treat me terrible. My H is disrespectful to women anyway, but I allowed him to treat me that way, so he did. <P>I don't care about LB anymore, I care about me. If he says something that I don't like, I tell him. I just told him this morning, that I am glad OW is good to the girls and he told me I can have a man meet the kids when I am ready, and he would like to meet the man too. It is like a twilight zone.<P>I still hate OW but to be honest I can't wait to see him do this to her, it may not be for a while, but I truly believe in our situation, and the people involved, we had no hope for recovery. I also think they are both somewhat selfish people and therefore deserve each other. I am a giving, loving caring person and I deserve the same.<P>Please know that I am here watching you all and not posting for myself as much but I will reply to anyone that I can help. Some posts I read but have no experience, so I can't even offer much but let them know I am here.<P>You guys are all wonderful. I think about you all. I wonder how Mitzi is, or Roller Coaster, Peg, Mental, then I think about the men on the site, Jim and Bill and how they do what they do. Sometimes its them that give me the strength to say, hey there are good guys out there, who have the beliefs I do. I pray that God will match me with one of those types of men next time and not another BETRAYER!<P>Prayers to you all, thanks for listening, and letting me vent and please, don't hate me because I gave up. I didn't do it because I was weak, well I did at first, but through it I gained so much more. Independence, self respect, self esteem, self love, Control. That is my favorite. I control my life now. <P>Prayers to you all and please pray for me to find the love that I deserve too. <P>Hugs and prayers to you all, Dana<BR>

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AMEN DANA!!!!!<P>You have come along way! I think you and I are at the same place! I have been feeling great myself! I am looking forward to a new life for myself and my boys! I know there is going to be a lot of crap on the way with a divorce and the other woman. My plan is to move back closer to family and be far away from my h and his ow. That way, maybe he won't put the effort in to see them as much. I definitely don't want them around the ow! YUCK!<P>~Woozy

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I understand completely....as I have said before, we all hit a point where we know that there has to be more to life than this kind of pain and rejection. Wheteher our spouses wake up and make an honest commitment to the marriage(which is the best), or we move on to other relationships, take all you have learned here and apply it to your life..I followed the principles as best as I could, but there has to be two people ready to commit...my X wasn't, and I just couldn't see after two years when he would. I had to get on with my life. And the trust issue would have kept rearing its ugly head....could I have forgiven?? Yes, and I had, many times..But could I forget?? No, and I may have held that against him and sabotaged our relationship. Good luck to you!<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

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I think you're doing the right thing. There are many opportunities for happiness out there, and your children will be happier if they see their mom smiling and happy too. Right now my H and I are in Plan A and are doing pretty well. But, I've told him that I won't go to Plan B. If he moves out with the OW, that's it. I won't wait around wondering whether he'll be back or not. I would need to go on with my life and find happiness. I think that really scared him into working on our relationship. Go out and find your happiness. Remember you are a wonderful person and deserve the best. Good Luck!

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Dana:<P>I too, think you are doing the right thing. You go girl! I agree that you definitely have come a long way, and I'm happy to see that you have found yourself. <P>Be happy for you, be happy for your kids. You've given so much wonderful advice and you've been here for all of us. You are truly, a wonderful person.<P>Get out there and enjoy your life. You deserve it!<P>My H and I are in recovery. 5-1/2 weeks. I think we came to this site within a couple of weeks of one another. Thankfully, the affair was over upon discovery, AND, my husband has been sober ever since too. Couldn't have done it without all these great people, you, and our counselor.<P>From one Dana to another, happiness has fallen upon you. Revel in it. Consume it!<P>--purplemag (Dana) [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Dana,<BR>It looks like we came to the same decision at about the same time. I have completely decided that my marriage is over. He!! it wasn't worth having in the first place. Except I have my 3 kids from it. I have an overwhelming sense of peace and relief now.<P>Everyone gets to a point where they say enough is enough. Ours just happens to be shorter than some. <P>Good Luck to ya,<BR>Mitzi

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WOW, is this the same LonelyMom from a few weeks ago? You have come to a very important part of life, YOU LOVE YOURSELF! Isn't it great! I'm sure as you said you will grieve somedays, but that is part of the process so just deal with it and come to the next day feeling better! We are behind you 100%!

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Lonelymom,<P>I am SO GLAD to see somebody else feels the way I do. I just posted about the EXACT SAME thing!<P>I am 26, so I can relate to where you are at. I have to admit that I am scared about dating again. <P>You have been separated a little longer than me (my H left 1/21). <P>I could really use your advice on dating and going out. I feel really rusty. I am not looking for ANY TYPE of serious relationship, just fun. I just need to feel like a man could actually find me desirable. My self esteem is in the toilet right now due to my H.<P>Any words of wisdom? <P>I would really appreciate it since it seems like we are in the same boat pretty much.<P>

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I say "More Power to you Girlfriend!!"<BR>Do me a favor though:<BR>Go get "Rebuilding when relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher, you too Woozy and Mitzi. <P>LOL I should get royalties huh? <BR>Seriously it is an EXCELLENT book about the journey you must take and all the different steps and if you are brave enough to be honest with yourself you will discover amazing things about you.<P>Best of luck to you Dana. I knew you were strong! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>But get the book [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Cat

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Hi to all who replied,<P>I was amazed to find so much support today, I expected to get some negativity right off the bat. Cat, I WILL get this book! I am a book worm!! There are two people who replied, and I am not sure I have seen you on here before, Sue and NomoreU , I thank you for replying to. To PurpleMag - nice name! LOL. <P>I am amazed to see how well people have followed my painful story and how you remember just a few weeks ago I was so sad and down.<P>I am really nervous because hopefully I will get to see this new OP I am interested in tonite. I am really NERVOUS!!! But I can't wait. Ladies, I can't tell you when the last time I thought about H was! It is wonderful.<P>Dont' get me wrong, I know I will have bad days, I know the signing of the divorce and things will get me down, but THANK YOU for supporting me, I really have seen a lot of horror stories this month, a lot of us getting served with D papers, a lot of pain. Only a few people in recovery. That scares me. I have seen a lot of OW/OM coming out to talk too. Not much from betrayers. But this site is a lifesaver.<P>To Purplemag again, good luck in recovery. I am glad you are one of the survivors !!<P>TO Teddy Bear - honestly girlfriend I am NO expert, but I can tell you this. I think when you are looking, you won't find what you want. But if you are "not looking" you just might. I am new to dating and all. I can say go out, be yourself, and as far as I know, its best to mention your kids up front, and observe the look on their face when you do. Don't give your phone number out, I have a pager now for this reason. I will take a number, but not give mine out. Don't get too intimate with anyone, you need time to heal. Like I said, I did this with an ex at one point. I am not ashamed, but I am not pleased either. Be very careful because its a whole new world out there, and people can be deceiving. But be happy, be positive, and you will notice people attracted to you!<P>I will be back later to update again.<BR>Thanks ladies for your support!!<P>

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Lonelymom,<P>Your story gave me chills it could be me. I have gone through all the phases you have and am now in a relationship with my STBX h that sounds just like your relationship. <P>I tried and tried to show him unconditional support, didn't know about Plan A but the more I did this the more my self esteem shrunk. When I finally let go and started to explore the world like you did I start to heal. Yes I got angry, yes I cried and yes i wished he would come back. But my mind started focusing more on my life and what I needed to do to help me move on. I married at 18 too. I was married for 18 years, at least you found yourself sooner.<P>I too went out on the weekends with girlfriends and started dipping my toe in the social pool of singles life. Yes there are a lot of people out there looking for casual sex, but i wasn't. I wanted someone with a head on there shoulder. I too met soneone who makes me tingle. Iv know him a year now, but I didn't date him until about 6 months ago. I took it real slow and really safe. I have pretty much lost all trust in men. Go figure! He is kind, considerate, and so very independent. My ex was like a third child for me. He didn't help out around the house he just hung out. I had alot of resentment w/that and with my current freind, I know he doesn't need me to take care of him. <P>It is scary. But I see that my kids are so much happier. Yes my h is still seeing the OW, but I don't think he will ever get married again. A friend of his just told me yesterday, that she is not the kind of girl you would want to introduce to mom or take to meet business associates. Im not sure what that means, but I know that I was a good wife to him and he relied on me to entertain his associates and friends. He doesn't entertain any more. I still do and have been introducing my new friend to the rest of my friends slowly. <BR> <BR> I am content and happy. We settled everything in mediation. My accountant said it was the first mediation he had seen without anger and glares. My h stepped up to the plate and is supporting me and the kids for as long as he has to. I will be fine just like you. Well good luck in the future and by the way you need to change your name get that lonely stuff out of there. Yes you will have downs, but over time you realize they don't last forever, they to are phases. Take care and keep updating.<P>Gerri

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Dana,<P>I commend you for your honesty, the whole time you have been here. I am glad you are finding yourself, that is really why we are all here. Take what you have learned here to build you next relationship. The reality is your love bank is empty and likely your H won't ever be able to fill it. That is the the thing we all must come to grips with. Dr. H believes that when we get to that point we can know that we did all we could to try to save or marriage. Keep comming here and giving us a shoulder to cry on when we need it, and when you need a shoulder to cry on.<P>We do love you,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

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Dana, <BR>I have replied to other posts, and have been on the board for quite a while....I need to update my profile, however, you can search for my past posts. I believe you will see that many of us go through exactly the same things!! Sometimes I wonder if MB is the place for me to be, since I am now divorced, but I love the people here, and know it has helped me tremendosly. If you ever want to talk, just email me at Arabrider@msn.com. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

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Lonelymom: I am very happy for you. You found out that you are the important one and deserve happiness. You give me hope.

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Sobeit, I am glad to see you on! I don't usually see you here a lot lately. How are you and I hope you are doing better! I am glad that everyone is so supportive and I am glad that people feel I can provide hope. I do agree with the Harley principles, I just couldn't be hurt anymore. Before I met H I was always strong and independent. He pretty much squished the personality right out of me. Now I am remembering what I like learning what I want and I am putting myself first. Don't get me wrong, I put the kids first too, but H is LAST in the entire world. <P>At this point, I definetly would not lay down my life for him any more. That alone is a big step for me. Sobeit you are strong too. You will find your strength and happiness too. I am here if you need me! Dana<BR>

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Hi LonelyMom,<P>well done girl. You have been honest with YOURSELF. You deserve a pat on the back.<BR>How could we hate you.? Why would we hate you? Nobody, but nobody, has the right to tell you how to feel, and/or when to feel it. You have made decisions about you and your marriage, and they are your decisions. As they should be.<P>As for the new man, well, I hope I find that too one day. Again, you know what is right for you, and what is wrong. <P>All I want for you is happiness, and peace. We all deserve that. If this new man provides that for you, he has my vote.<P>Be happy my friend. And know that you'll always have my support and friendship.<P>love and hugs to you<BR>Jo

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Dana, you go girl! I am sad that your marriage is over but I am glad that you are looking out for your best interests. I kinda thought Plan A was about taking care of the inner person that you are really and that maybe you were putting too much into taking care of him instead of yourself! Anyhow, I did read your e-mail. I've been under the weather lately and hadn't had the time to get on-line for a couple of days. I am glad your doing good and I'm praying for you. Yes, you are looking at reality and the reality is that you could be on the re-bound, but it's a mistake of your own making if it is a mistake. Take care of yourself and know that I'm praying for you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

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Dana,<BR>In many ways you sound like my W who is the betrayer. She says the very same things that you say but they were about the OM. From many of the ladies here, I am a very good man. I have only had sex with 2 people and don't desire to be with anyone else.<P>I would offer a word of caution on getting into another relationship now with you being in such great pain. You are likely to get involved with another betrayer because you are still HIGHLY vulnerable. You are vulnerable because you want to be comforted. I know, I was there when my exgrilfriend broke up with me in 1982. It took me 2.5 years to heal after knowing and dating her for 4+ years.<P>I would heal before getting into another relationship. I was fortunate to have close female friend when my exgirlfriend broke up with me and that there were about 900 miles between us so that I couldn't see her when I wanted. She helped me to get my head screwed back on straight. I was dedicated to my exgirlfriend as I am to my W.<P>Understand that love is a decision moreso than a feeling. I don't know if Hope for the Heart has their radio show on the web or not. But, today June Hunt gave the flow of the love concept: agape (unconditional love), phileo (brother love), eros (physical, sexual love). If you can't see yourself loving this person in the event that they get stupid and betray you then I would stay away from going there again.<P>I went into another relationship only because God told me He wanted me to get married. He even told me that He wanted me to marry my W, much like Hosea was told to marry Gomer in the book of Hosea in the old testament. There are those days that I want to leave desparately. Yet, He tells me that it is now my turn to be there for her. I stay because I love Him, her, and our boys. I would hate it if she were to treat me the way I feel when I want to leave.<P><B>I applaud you for making your decision. But I would heal before getting into another relationship. I know that my senses are totally jacked up under these circustances. I wouldn't think of getting into another relationship because it would be devastating to have to go throught his again. It would be my third time. Twice is more than enough for me.<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!</B><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

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I dont post much but I've followed your story. WOW! You sound so much better and stronger. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! <BR>Only you know when it was time to give up - think about how your kids will feel seeing their mother so much stronger and happier. You've kept your self respect and you should be proud of yourself. Thats great! Magoskid

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Dana,<P>Although my situation is very different than yours, I felt encouraged reading your post. It's so great to read about people feeling good about themselves again. <P>Good Luck

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