My wife e-mailed me yesterday telling me she is planning to come home because she wants the girls. I tried to explain via email that this is going to really screw up our daughters but she doesn't seem to care. She stated in her email that I should accept the fact that we will enevitably be divorced, but until then she has no problem living with me in the same house. She did imply that she would like me to leave, but says that it is up to me. <P>I don't feel that I can move out as I am afraid for my D's welfare, but I don't know how I am going to survive emotionally. My wife seems to be possessed right now. Definately not the same person I knew just a few months ago. She is so cold and unfeeling towards me that it is scary. <P>I know that for the girls, we will end up in a fight for who they end up living with, and staying in the same house is going to be hard on them and me, but I don't see any choice. I still want to save my marriage, but I don't see how right now. I know most of you will say give her a big plan A, but she is so convincing that she wants to end the marriage that I don't know if I have the strenght. <P>I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I really feel that there is something seriously wrong with my wife, but there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I should run like hell, but I know I can't because of the girls.<P>Please give me some advice on what to do. I'm feeling really desperate!

BrentB,<P>I can't believe how similar your story is to mine, I could have written just about every word in your profile. I think you are maybe a little ahead of me (which doesn't give me encouragement) but I think we could certainly support each other. I can share with you some of what I've been learning.<P>I missed a couple of things. Your profile, I thought, said that YOU moved out, but this message indicates that SHE moved out. How old are your girls?<P>I don't know if you are a person of faith, but I can tell you from personal experience that God cares for you, He cares for your wife and your children. And He wants you to reconcile, you need to know that and be encouraged by it.<P>As I see my personal situation, there are 4 parties involved, God, Satan, my W and myself. I believe a key to what to do is first to recognize who the enemy is... it's not your W. Another aspect of recognizing that Satan is the enemy is remembering who he is. He is already defeated and fallen. But he sure is on the attack on marriages right now.<P>I get great comfort resting in God's loving care and concern. I go to Him to give me the daily sustaining energy to continue the fight. He has revealed so much to me in the last 4 months since our separation.<P>Let me affirm you for you care and concern for you daughters. One area that Satan has had a hayday is getting fathers out of the picture, so I congratulate you for your commitment to them, keep fighting...for them and your wifes return to health.<P>Personally, I think you should stay, and if you W comes back, it frankly could be a very good thing. I realize that she is cold, but the fact that she is willing to "live" with you may belie her words and demeanor. It could be the opportunity to show her your unfailing and unconditional love (available only from God, but you can express it to her from Him). Remembering who the enemy is, helps a great deal with that.<P>God will honor your commitment and your obediance. By saying that, I need to say that that doesn't mean that you may not get divorced, your W does have free will. But God can use even those occasions to bring about good, perhaps even heal the relationship after the divorce. We've heard it before, couples who remarry.<P>Keep the faith, look to Him for your strength. It's not easy, but remember (as I'm telling myself this as well :-) ) fear and doubt are gifts from Satan. Hope and faith are gifts from God, accept only God's gifts.<P>I'll be praying for you. If you'd care to share your e-mail address, I'd appreciate the opportunity to write to you more personally.<P>God loves you,<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

Repenting,<P>Wow! Although your response was not directed at me, I want to thank you for it. It was <B>very</B> well said and helped me a lot as my situation is somewhat similar.

Repenting,<P>Thank you for your reply. I guess I need to update my profile a little. Basically, my W and I got back together this summer and went to councling together. For several months things really looked like they were going great, but around the holidays things started to slide again. In January, I caught her in several lies about things she had been doing that involved a co-worker. She said she wasn't "completely happy" with our marriage and wanted out. At first I was in shock but decided to give her her space hoping that she would get beyond this period in her life. We agreed that at the time the girls should stay with me so she could find out what she wanted out of life.<P>Now after a month she says she wants the kids. Basically she wants everything (cake and eat it too). She is being very selfish and not thinking about the impact this is having on the girls. I am conserned for my girls because she is so indifferent and self centered that I am afraid she will neglect the girls in a very real way.<P>Your words of faith are very helpful. I am trying to find the Lord but I often feel unworthy because prior to this I was not the most religious person. I will say that I think my prayers are the only thing that has gotten me through this thing so far. <P>I guess I will take it one day at a time and Pray my heart out that my wife will come out of this fog that she is in and see that our marriage is worth saving. <P>If you want to contact me, Email me at bassibh@yahoo.com. Thanks again.

Is the house in your name, her name or both? If this house belongs to you then she has no right to invade it, you can change the locks. But if you really want her home, then be careful it sounds like she is full fledged into this affair and she WILL treat you like crap. It all depends on how much negativity you can endure.

Brentb...<P>If you want to keep your girls, then DON'T move out of your house. Right now, you are the only rational-thinking parent around. Your kids need you. Obviously, your W is the one who is unstable and irrational.<P>Keep Plan A-ing and try to do it in a non-Lovebusting way. Most betrayers say the same things that your W is saying. Remember, she is in Fantasy Land right now.<P>Plan A and stay in your house.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited March 03, 2000).]

I had a meeting yesterday with W and our counselor together for the first time in at least 6 months. I've been sending out messages to family and friends that have been praying for me/us and I thought maybe I should post my letter here as well. Perhaps you can gleen some encouragment from this regarding your feeling of unworthiness.<P>The meeting W and I had with the counselor yesterday was.....well lets just say that I know God calls us to trust in the unseen not<BR>in what is seen. She is stating that she no longer wants to be married to me, but she is willing to continue to meet to explore what went wrong so as not to repeat it in her next relationship. I find some encouragement in that, not much but a thread. He continues to remind me who the enemy is, it's not my W. But the adversary has a stronghold on her that is well...very strong... as he did me before.<P>It was brought to my attention that Satan is scared of being exposed and that he digs in the most when he is most afraid. (is that scriptural?, makes some since to me). He knows that he longer has that stronghold on<BR>me, and in fact sees my commitment to be obedient to God, so he attacks my W that much harder. Telling her lies and trying to convince me to give up, that there is no hope. Well, I know that I worship a bigger<BR>God than all of Satan's lies. I also know that God is strengthening me and healing me of my own self image of the past. He is showing me who I really am, in Him.<P>Funny really, well, okay not funny, but amusing; Satan tells us that we DESERVE to be happy...but that we are not Worthy of love. God says, we don't deserve to be happy, our righteousness is but rags, but that we are WORTHY of love, specifically His love.<BR>I've realized that my real sin is idolatry. Placing my W, our marriage and frankly, sex, as more important to me than God. I looked<BR>to these things for my identity and my destiny. I realize now that those things belong to God alone. My identity is defined by Him and only He controls my destiny, when I am obedient to Him. I know my destiny is secure and I know intimately that I am worthy of the kind of love that He gives his sons life for.<P>I realize now, that happiness is not something we can achieve or accomplish or even really seek. It's a by product of being obedient to God and truly serving others. God never promises that Christians would<BR>be happy, but he gives happiness and joy when we are doing His will.<P>Okay, I guess that's enough preaching, I just wanted to share with you where my heart is. I continue to pray for my W's deliverance and<BR>restoration of our family. I believe that God has assured me that it will happen, so I place my trust in Him (and find I have to daily, if not hourly recommit to that).<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

brentb,<P>First, you are <B>not</B> unworthy!!! God loves you unconditionally, and He will forgive you for any past sins. Just ask. Seek Him first, and He will work through you. <P>I too, think that it may be a good thing for your wife to move back in. Let her see the Lord shining through your eyes. She can be won by your "conversation". Love her, Plan A, and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! Our motto on the women's bible study of this forum is "Shut Up and Pray". You will have to do a lot of this if she does move home. <P>Repenting's posts are terrific, please read and re-read them, glean all the instruction from them you can. <BR>

brentb,<P>All you've gotten here is good advice.<P>Don't move out!<BR>Don't move out!<BR>Don't move out!<P>Keep the girls...<BR>Start building a "faith" relationship with them (not a fake one... but a genuine one)...<BR>As genuine as God can be with you!<P>There are 4 things that have kept me going so far...<BR>1. My faith in God...<BR>2. The emotional support of the people on this forum...<BR>3. The reawaken relationship with my children...<BR>4. My family support...<P>For all these I am <B>very</B> fortunate...<BR>and at least the first three of these <B>YOU</B> can cultivate now!<P>How about your W...<BR>All you can is offer her a Plan A...<BR>Giving her "space" at the expense of not being able to meet her emotional needs is a <B>very</B> bad trade-off... Don't do unless it just has to be... but in the separation...<BR>Don't move out!<BR>Don't move out!<BR>Don't move out!<P>Ask for strength here...<P>There are lots of guys here... taking care of their kids... (whether in Plan A or Plan B) who are going through and have gone through what you have...(check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>New Roll Call</A> post)<BR>We'll all tell yout the same thing!<BR>Don't move out!<BR>Don't move out!<BR>Don't move out!<P>By perfecting Plan A... you become the best H you could ever be.<BR>Plan A is 1/2 of the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B> (page 87 of SAA)<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <P>So by doing the best Plan A you'll be practicing the Rules of Protection and Care!<BR>That is what MB is all about... making you better in your relationship!!!<P>Sepatation does little to help with any of the "rules"!<P>I'm praying for you... <P>Jim<P><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 03, 2000).]