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Joined: Jan 2000
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Well,<P>I met with Carolyn last night. The first personal contact since she left to be with OP on Jan 5th.<P>I think we both wanted to meet to feel better about what had happened.<P>I know that she wants me to forgive her for going to the OP, but I just can't. Understand that I did not relay this in a mean way. I simply told her I do not think what she did was right, but I take responsibility for the reasons she did what she did. <P>The only real issue that was touchy was when she said she wished things had ended differently. I told her she really should not say that, because she had the power to have worked on the relationship, but chose not to, so you can't wish it was any different.<P>She still feels that even if we had talked about our issues and tried to work things out, things probably would not have worked out. I don't feel this way but I think these two different attitudes are a function of where we both are right now. She is in a new realtionship, I am not.<P>She was genuinly concerned however, and showed that she really did care about me and our life together. I had not gotten any signs of this in our limited contacts by E-mail or regular mail prior to this meting. I am sure it was a defense mechanism.<P>The big problem is, it has now set my "go on with your life" odometer back to zero. I was doing pretty well, and now I feel I am back to square one. Missing her, crying all night, thinking we still may have some type of chance.<P>Oh, by the way, I ask her if she loves OP, and she said; "yes,I think I do". (sniffle, sniffle)<P>Here is the big question. She wants us to remain friends. I really don't think I can do that as long as she is with OP, but if I really do want her back, what other choice do I have?<P>Do I remain friends, load up on meds, and try to wait it out for a few months? Or move on with my life with occasional contact?<P>I can tell that she is not interested in being together right now, but maybe if we keep in contact with each other?<P>I knew this would happen. This meeting opened up so many wounds and has got me so depressed wishing things could have been different, and reminding me how much I love her.<P>I tried to call last night to see if she got home OK; No answer.<P>I sent her an E-mail today thanking her once again for meeting with me and asking for her parents address so, I could thank them for all they had done for me over the years: Has not been picked up yet. Maybe just deleted?<P>Everyone I know things I am a masicist.<P>Dear friends, please give me some advice. <P>

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JJ,<P>I'm just starting to get back on my feet (eyes... if it were) and would like to thank you for the support you've given me.<P>In all honesty...<BR>...and I'm sure you don't want to here it from me...<BR>but...<P>I think maybe it's time you move on.<P>I know you're heurting...<BR>and very badly at that!<P>Joe... you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for!<BR>You know so much more about what it takes to build a relationship...<BR>...and I hate to say it... but I think Carolyn doesn't get it yet... and may never get it. She doesn't see the ties you've had together as a foundation on which to build a marriage. She doesn't believe you can change. Since there was no marriage... she sees there is nothing to be saved. It's sad, but people are like that sometimes.<P>Joe...<BR>My friend...<BR>You are worthy of any woman...<BR>...and there are so many who could value your skills as a future husband/lover/(father>?)/or whatever you want.<BR>I don't think "hanging around" (with/for Carolyn) for a few months... or more... is going to be a building experience for you. A new relationship... founded on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage/Relationship</A>... is where you have now grow to.<P>Is it hard starting over?...<BR>D@mn straight it is...<P>Can <B>you</B> do it?...<BR>...absolutely...<BR>Take time to straighten out your perspective... (a Plan B if you will)... not too long!<BR>Your day will come...<BR>...and what a husband you're going to make for some lucky woman!<BR>You'll pace yourself... no rebound for you...<BR>You'll have the kind of deep conversation skills any woman would just dream of!<P>You know you'll find happiness...<BR>...and it won't all come from a future wife/girlfriend...<BR>...you know it will come from <B>you</B>! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I don't mean to kill your hopes... or dreams...<BR>I just wish for you to look inside yourself... and find that stronger Joe... all of us know is there.<BR>If your insides say fight for Carolyn... do... but only if it builds you too...<BR>Watch your love bank...<BR>...realize there are other who can fill it too!<P>Prayers to a good friend! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 07, 2000).]

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Jim,<P>I have got to tell you, that is the nicest post I have every received. I am truly touched. I am printing it out! Thank you good friend!<P>Of course, you know what I should do, and I know what I should do. But just try telling that to my heart!<P>The fact that I made so many mistakes in our relationship makes it very hard to let go. Learning more makes me want to make the right chnages, you know the story.<P>If I felt we did all we could to make things work, I could walk away. But we didn't and I can't right now. <P>I love her Jim, and for right now, know matter what happens, I will still love her.<P>I know I will rebound, I was 85% there before the meeting, it will take less time now.<P>Thanks again Pal.<P>By the way, you must feel a lot better, I noticed you posting a lot more. I'm glad. Have they been able to stabilize your blood sugar? <P>When do you have to go back to court?<P>My prayers are with you.<P>

Joined: Oct 1999
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Jersey Joe: I don't know you, but just reading your posts tell me that you may have already started that road to moving on. Did she tell you straight out that it was over? If so, move on. If not, then I would definitely get some type of clarification. The other person was right, it will be hard to start over, but you will have learn alot from this and help you be a much better person not only to yourself but to your new significant other.(wait awhile before restarting the pilot light) Things will get better for you even if she does not come back to you. Remember that. The higher spirit walks with you at all times. My prayers to you.

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Jersey Joe,<P>I typed you a really nice letter today and got kicked offline, and now I sign on to see it never made it to you. At the time, only Jim had replied. I try to answer posts that sound like people need immediate attention right away. I am really upset you didn't get it.<P>I can tell you are a very caring person. You deserve to be happy in life. You deserve to live again too. There are a lot of women out there that would love to be with any of the men from this site who have grown so much through this experience. (the ones who were betrayed)<P>Jim always gives good advice (soon I will get strong enough to take his too!), sometimes, I feel we just try so hard to force the outcome we want. Then we almost get in God, or fates way. I am not religious that much, but lately have been following a little. But either way, can you or I truly do anything MAGICAL, that will bring our spouse back? I dont' think so. This affair started within the spouse that had problems and issues of their own. It has to end on their own too. Some marriages, just will not be saved. We have to expect that half of us here will divorce. Its sad but true. I am one of those .<P>I gave up recently. If you can, go find a few of my posts from say, 3 weeks ago, read one, then read one a week later, and read the past two. You will truly be amazed at my own progress on the road you may chose to follow. <P>Joe, there is always that chance she will see the new you , the you that other women desire, and then realize what she lost. Its a possibility. Check out my post today, and you'll see some good insight to this.<P>Feel free to email me at MrsDMBrown@mail.com if you need to. I was in your shoes recently. I did not formally do Plan B. I did Plan A then Plan I give up. Jim thinks a Plan B will be good for me, I agree, just not emotionally ready. <P>I have someone dying within the next few days in my family, just found out I have a brother (I am 27) and my kids went to their dad's for the first time overnight, AND I am interested in another man AND going thru divorce.(and I still love H a tiny bit ) Plan B right now, might just kill me!!! But I know Jim will offer me some insight to it when I am ready. <P>Joe, take care of yourself, I know I answered some of your posts when I first got here, like I said, I haven't seen you around lately?<P>I better send this before it gets lost again.Prayers are with you, Dana<BR>

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Joe,<P>You can move on. You have to move on. I decided that I was as soon as I determined I wanted the divorce.<P>There is a book I read and some other are recommending, its called " Rebuilding After the Relationship Ends" By Dr. Bruce Fisher.<BR>I thought it was very good. It will be beneficial even if you can restore your marriage.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

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jj,<P>Just checking in, where are you?

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Joe, <BR>Only you can decide when you are ready to leave your marriage with your heart. Life does go on, despite how we feel when our spouse pulls on our heart strings. You just need to be comfortable with the phrase from "Surviving an Affiar" which states that you know you did everything you could to save your marriage. For some of us, that means a long Plan A, Plan B......for others we come to that conclusion sooner. When you can say you have done that, and you no longer have feelings of love left, it is time to move on. You will still have those feelings of loss, sorrow, and "what do I do now??" Cripe, I have now been divorced for almost a month and still go through that now and again. Joe, you are a giving and thoughtful person. Life and love are out there for you!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

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Jim,<P>What can I say, you are truly the heart and soul of this board. I wish you never had to find this place, but without you, so many other people would be so lost. This world is a strange place.<P>Sobeit,<P>I will move on, and much faster this time. It just opened up all the flood gates seeing her again. Thanks for the encouragment.<P>Dana,<P>I e-mailed you today, must have missed you. I know you are right, there is a time to give up. But I have to say, it's not in my genes to do so without a he** of a fight. It just hurts when you realize what you did wrong, too late in the game.<P>It's like when you were a kid and your parents warned you not to do something. You did anyway with disasterous results. You just wish you could do it over.<P>Thanks a lot for your support. I have not been around a lot, becasue I really was trying to move on. But since she was willing to talk, I felt I needed to. Iam sure my conselor can't wait to her this story tommorow.<P>Thanks again.<P>RWD,<P>I know I will move on. I have been following your posts. I think we both made a the decision to move on about the same time. I backslid. I sure hope you don't.<P>God Bless<P>Sue,<P>I do feelcomfortable knowing I have done everything I could. But just when I feel that way, I think, Hmmmmmm. What if I do this? I think it is combination of knowing you did everything you could, and not wanting to subject yourself to more heartache. At somepoint you need some self preservation.<P>Thanks, and God Bless. <P>

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Joe, <BR>I so agree...so many times I wondered, if I had done a better Plan A, if I hadn't gone along with the divorce....byt the fact remains, he knowingly continued this affair with no concern for his kids or me. I gave him every opportunity to come home and work on the marriage, as I am sure you did. Up until a week before the divorce was final, he still "loved me" but has been to see her several times and would not commit to working on the marriage. Every time I would listen to him, I felt myself crumbling, wanting to try, once again. But how many times do we put ourselves in such a position. I guess until we fall out of love with our spouses. I got to that point. I just could not look at him and say I loved him anymore. You are there, or close to it. I still work with my X. I see him everyday. Whatever he does is a constant reminder of the pain this caused us all. But I refuse to let it run me anymore. I am a good person, I deserve better and will have it one day. I am a loving and giving person. It is too bad he did not want that. But others will, when I am ready. And you are the same, Joe. It is just while we are in the midst of all this pain we can't see it. Ok, off my soapbox for today!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

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I am with you Sue,<P>I think there is one thing to keep in mind. After all of this is long over for both of us, (which will probably seem like an eternity) we will be able to sleep at night knowing we did the right thing.<P>God Bless

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Jersey Joe,<P>Didn't receive an email?? MrsDMBrown@mail.com , or mrsDMBrown@aol.com<P>Dana<BR>

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Hi J-J,<P>Jim offered you some wonderful advice. Maybe it is a sign to move on? Whatever you decide to do, know that you will be okay. I'll be sending prayers your way.

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Lonely Mom and No Trust,<P>Thanks for the support guys,<P>Its weird, since our meeting, I have sort of gone through the entire mourning process again, only in fast forward.<P>At first I thought we might be able to work on things yet again, then I was very sad, then I blamed everything on myself, then I started thinking no matter what happened, what she did was wrong an inexcusable. She was wrong! What she did was mean, wrong, and weak,and it is something that I am proud to say I have never done to another.<P>I went through all these emotions before in the same order, its just that the first time it took 4 months. This time it took four days. I think that is a sign that I am getting over her. Which is a good thing. But a part of me is actually sad that I am getting over her.<P>Does that make sense?<P>Today once again, I am proud of the fact that I never treated her the way she treated me, adn that since discovery, I have done everything possible to not have any regrets. I, unlike her, do not have to justify my actions by saying things like," It never would have worked out, even if we worked on things". That is a ridiculous statement, because we both know that we will never knbow if things could hav worked out.<P>Again, no regrets here.


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