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Joined: Mar 2000
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bighope Offline OP
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What are the signs the pain of withdrawl are ending? Then we can work on the damage to our marriage. We are reading His Needs/Her Needs now, and just the first chapter is powerful my H realized he feelings are those in that chapter hit perfectly to him and his feelings to OW. Also, on one of his needs the admiration, how much is to much. It is like sucking up. I just don't want to over do it. Anyone, help!!!!

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bighope,<P>Your H is reading the book with you? And you can discuss each others feelings about what you have read?<P>Trust me on this, you are in GREAT shape. There are many of us who only <B>dream</B> of that level of participation by our spouses. <P>Regarding your question about admiration...it may seem awkward at first (so does rollerblading, skiing, etc.) If you are sincere it will get easier. Surely there is something to admire about him. Sensitize yourself to those things, and simply compliment him for them when they come up. "Nice shirt - it looks good on you", "thanks for ____, that was thoughtful", "thanks for remembering to ___",<BR>Little stuff really means a lot.<P>Just keep the momentum going! You sound like you are on your way!!

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bighope Offline OP
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2sad4words:<BR><B>bighope,<P>Your H is reading the book with you? And you can discuss each others feelings about what you have read?<P>Trust me on this, you are in GREAT shape. There are many of us who only dream</B> of that level of participation by our spouses. <P>Regarding your question about admiration...it may seem awkward at first (so does rollerblading, skiing, etc.) If you are sincere it will get easier. Surely there is something to admire about him. Sensitize yourself to those things, and simply compliment him for them when they come up. "Nice shirt - it looks good on you", "thanks for ____, that was thoughtful", "thanks for remembering to ___",<BR>Little stuff really means a lot.<P>Just keep the momentum going! You sound like you are on your way!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Thanks for your input,I am saying the things as you suggest, however I don't want to over do it and look to pushy. I feel we are lucky in a lot of ways. I told him about the books I have ordered and he actually started reading the book first. As I read the I say and make comments on how this sounds so much like our situtation.<BR>Everyone is so supportive here. I have found many friends. Best of luck to you.

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Oh the dreaded withdrawal..... It can be pretty awful.. My h cried.. He couldnt meet my needs, he moped,, it was awful.... The worst of it lasted a couple of months with trace amounts leading up to 6 months before I finally felt I had my h back.. H did have a serious affair though, and even lived with ow for 2 months... His affair lasted about 8 months,, he ended it,, but backslid a few times which prolonged his withdrawal.<P>Signs his withdrawal was subsiding were: Very small at first.. He would smile a little more,, laugh a little more,, start caring about me and my needs again slowly.. Like he would give me a kiss or hug..or just be nicer.. It was slowly like I was getting my old husband back.. It had been so long since he had really treated me good that I began to forget what it was like to have a normal, loving relationship. <P>It will take some time, and it was like taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back,, but as long as you are moving in the right direction,, you will be fine,, just be patient during these ups and downs and try to be the best wife you can be even though your needs may not be met.. Its very difficult and can be very frustrating, but in the end,, very well worth it.. In fact,, your H will even appreciate you more if you handle it this way... He wont be able to fully appreciate it until he is completely out of withdrawal....<P>Things are going great with us now,,, better than I ever could imagine.....!!!

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Hi bighope!<P>Just a thought... since you talk to your H about your feelings and are sharing the book. Why not ask him how much is too much? Remember, men and women view admiration differently; just like we view love differently. (Example: Men view taking out the garbage as a chore/job. Women view it as he loves me and wants to protect.) Two completely different views. Since your H is open and honest with you (DAMN you are lucky) than continue to be open with him.<P>Just my thoughts on it. Good luck and let us know what happens! Prayers with you.

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The admiration thing does take practice. Just take time to find things that your h excells at and make sure you tell him. What I had developed into a habit was telling everyone else how great my h was at doing things, but failing to tell him. It was good advice to ask him exactly what he considers admiration. His answer may surprise you. Keep reading the books. If he is reading the books, he is way ahead on withdrawal. Keep looking at yourself and figure out what you can do to improve your relationship and your h actions will follow.

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bighope Offline OP
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mickey65:<BR><B>Oh the dreaded withdrawal..... It can be pretty awful.. My h cried.. He couldnt meet my needs, he moped,, it was awful.... The worst of it lasted a couple of months with trace amounts leading up to 6 months before I finally felt I had my h back.. H did have a serious affair though, and even lived with ow for 2 months... His affair lasted about 8 months,, he ended it,, but backslid a few times which prolonged his withdrawal.<P>Signs his withdrawal was subsiding were: Very small at first.. He would smile a little more,, laugh a little more,, start caring about me and my needs again slowly.. Like he would give me a kiss or hug..or just be nicer.. It was slowly like I was getting my old husband back.. It had been so long since he had really treated me good that I began to forget what it was like to have a normal, loving relationship. <P>It will take some time, and it was like taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back,, but as long as you are moving in the right direction,, you will be fine,, just be patient during these ups and downs and try to be the best wife you can be even though your needs may not be met.. Its very difficult and can be very frustrating, but in the end,, very well worth it.. In fact,, your H will even appreciate you more if you handle it this way... He wont be able to fully appreciate it until he is completely out of withdrawal....<P>Things are going great with us now,,, better than I ever could imagine.....!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I appreciate you input on this. I never imagined when we decided to work and stay together I would feel sometimes so weak at times. I have at least 5 months of withdrawl. My H says no contact since he broke it off with her over a month ago. I see signs (baby steps) of improvement. I have so many thoughts go across my mind it is unreal. <BR>

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Bighope: Hang in there... Its tough,, the toughest thing I ever had to go through, but at the same time, the most well worth thing I had to ever fight for... It takes a long time.. Just know that it is baby steps.. and dont expect it all too soon...<BR>The way you handle this will really help in the end...<BR>My h affair ended June 8th, 1999.. He moved home that day after living with ow for 2 months.. He then slipped in August and his withdrawal was horrible then.. At that point the ow had bought a home right around the corner from us, which made things even worse.. He told me she moved around the corner and he balled... I felt helpless... How do I make it better for my big strong husband who is absolutely tearing me apart by his actions.. I continued plan A.. He slipped a couple more time with which we had words... The last time he slipped was in early Nov...but at the time he seemed to be getting better.. Well, when I found out that he saw her,, it sent me to the Doctors,,, h took me in.. I was wasting away physically, and emotionally.. After a week,, I wrote h a letter and I told him that it was ok for him to leave if that is what he wanted to do.. I told him that I was going to be ok, and not to feel guilty.. I told him I didnt want a divorce (I was going to plan B him),, but that I wanted him to be happy.. I told him if he wanted to stay, I wanted him to seriously consider moving out of the neighborhood... The next day,, my h told me to put the for sale sign in the yard.. And from that day on,, it has gotten better and better.......Around X-mas and New Years,, I knew that he was going to beat withdrawal.. I think at times it may be a little tough for him,, because she lives so close,, but its nothing compared to the way it used to be. Now the good news is that this past weekend our house finally sold, and we will begin building a new one away from ow...!!<P>We have had some stuggles,, but once your h gets through withdrawal the struggles change.. You will be relieved and excited at first,,, then your mind will begin to still question why,, and you may carry some resentment for a while.. When you get in an argument or your h is in a bad mood,, in the back of your mind you will wonder,, oh no,, is he seeing her again,, is it withdrawal again,,, But before you know it,, he will continue to reassure you, and you will become more confident that he is over it... Heck,, now,, I can even feel like I can get mad at my h and not feel he is going to run to ow,,... <P>I figure its been a little over 1 year since discovery,,, and I think by next year,, I will really be totally through it... But this year is good...and very livable..<P>My work email address is PNAGEL@steelcase.com if you ever want to ask questions or vent to me... I can be there for you.. I help another woman from this site that is going through similar things...<P>Take care,,


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