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Joined: Feb 2000
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Jill Offline OP
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Hi<P>Since I am planning on revealing my affair to my husband very soon (next week), I am full of questions. <P>Question for those betrayed:<P>Is it harder to deal with an affair that is ongoing, but has been revealed, OR, is it more difficult to deal with an affair that is over but has been kept a secret? Obviously, both scenarios are difficult...I'm just asking.<P>Question for anyone who is willing to answer:<P>What can I expect after I reveal my affair? <P>If my husband kicks me out, I have no place to go...no one that I can turn to. How do I plan for the worst? Should I have a bag packed in case he asks me to leave immediately, or does that show lack of faith and a willingness to leave and give up? I don't want to come across as being "willing" to leave under any circumstance. I don't want to give up, but I've been dealing with this for a year. All of this will seem like an ambush to my husband. He might feel the impulse to immediately give up on me and our marriage.<P>What do I do if he ASKS me to leave? Do I say, "Nope", and then offer to stay out of his face/space HERE so that he can work through his emotions? OR, do I leave gracefully? What if HE wants to leave? Do I step aside gracefully? Or, do I fling myself in front of the door and beg him to stay? <P>I want so much for my husband to say that he will work on forgiving me and that he is willing to work on our marriage. But, I know that there is a possibility that my worst fear will come true. My worst fear is that he will ask me to leave and then file for divorce immediately without giving it a second thought.<P>I just want a few actions/reactions placed into my mind before I reveal the affair...these aren't things that I should have to think about at the last minute.<P>WHAT DO I DO? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jill<P>

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oops, please forgive the mispost. I'm a complete newbie. :-)<P><BR>Hi Jill,<P>I've never posted here on MB before, but having watched your threads with interest, I have to respond to you.<P>Your letter to yourself, to reveal this to your husband, had me in tears. Especially your reference to Gomer and Hosea. That book has special meaning to me, since I was given the prophecy of Hosea concerning my wife and I, and am now living it.<P>You are a wonderful lady!!! Hang in there, pray tons, and have Faith! God will walk you through this.<P>One thing that you are going to have to face, is that you have had time to deal with the affair, your husband hasn't. You are at different places along the journey of recovery. Keep that in mind, and give him the love, compassion, understanding, strength he will need, and will be searching for.<P><BR>I wish I could try to answer your questions, but all I can do is tell you what I felt/feel with my wife's affairs.<P>My wife keeping the secret wasn't anymore painful for me than the affair itself. I just hurt horribly. I was utterly numb. Though, and this is important, I never stopped loving her. I love my wife more today, even living Hosea, than the day I married her.<P>I can't offer too many suggestions on what to expect afterwards either. Again pray, and trust in God. He will see you through this.<P>I would expect him to feel a thousand different things.<P>I am not sure that this will help, I hope so. I think it will help me to say it though. :-)<P>This is what I would have loved to have had when I learned of my wife's affairs.<P>Love, Understanding, Love, Compasion, Love, Patience, Love, Strength, Love, Determination (to make it work), Love.<P>I wouldn't want to see my wife ready to leave. I would want my wife to tell me "NO! I want to save this marriage! I believe we can!" to any statements of get out or, but understand my need for some personal space too. Actually I would want my wife to cuddle me, and let me loose all my emotions crying them out on her lap.<P>Be strong for your husband, he is going to need that. He very well may feel any number of impulses, God and your love for him are the key factors in this. trust in those!<P>Now, this one question I can anwser... <P>>> What if HE wants to leave? Do I step aside gracefully?<P>According to the bible you are to let him go. Peacefully. Pray about it. God will take care of you!!<P>Give your husband time to grieve for the loss. Be there for him throughout this time. That is going to make a huge difference for him. I really believe that!<P>Can I make a suggestion? I thought of this when the OM emailed you the other day. Take a moment and say a prayer. Bind Satan from you, your home, your husband, etc... You have the authority through Jesus Christ to do that. Do it!!! Make sure you say it outloud too! So that Satan knows that he is bound too! Do not give the enemy anyway into this situation!<P>And, I guess last and most importantly... Once again Pray tons!!<P>You will be in my prayers!!!<P>Johnnie<P><BR>

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Johnnie:<P>Thank you so much for your honest response.<P>Thank you for taking the time to offer your insight.<P>Most of all, thank you for your prayers.<P>Jill

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You are welcome.<P>Thank you for being a shining star of hope for many on this board!<P>One, tidbit that I forgot to add concerning your husband leaving. Pray about it. I believe you will get the answer back, that God will not allow it. So, while he might need some space, God is with you! You will not be forsaken!<P>Johnnie

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First of all. He WILL NOT kick you out, at least not the first night, and probably not ever. You may offer to leave for a period of time, to stay at a local hotel, or friend's house while he digests the information y0u have to share with him, but make it known that if you leave at this time it is temporary in your mind and only to give him some time and space to decide if he wants to forgive you and make your marriage better. My H HAD to leave because of work related obligations and those absences were highly benificial in bringing home the fact that we loved each other and wanted to make our marriage more than just a 'this is what you got" kind of arrangement.<P>Don't give up the ship too soon.........<P><BR>Best,<P>Beth

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Jill,<P>My advice comes from my experience when my husband confessed his affair.<P>Expect him to be devastated, hurt, angry, and stunned. I was absolutely in shock for 4 days. I cried, screamed, and said some very hurtful things to my husband. When he tried to make excuses, I slapped him. I had never done anything like that in the 24 years that I had known him. I told him to get out and that I hated him. I cried for eight hours straight. It was a horrible experience for both of us.<P>Through the whole thing, he cried with me, begged for forgiveness, told me that he loved only me, said that it was the worst mistake of his life, and told me that it wasn't my fault or a failing on my part that caused the affair. Those words helped me.<P>The other thing that helped was our agreement that we would not make a decision about our marriage until we had both calmed down. When that much hurt and anger are present, no rational decision can be made. <P>I would suggest that you ask your husband to wait for at least two weeks to begin making a decision about your future together. Make an appointment with a counselor now, and ask him to go with you. If he won't go, you go alone. Don't pack a bag, and don't leave your home immediately. Your husband probably will not want to sleep with you for a while, so be prepared for that. My husband slept on the couch for almost a month (he was uncomfortable and miserable there, but I was too!).<P>Give him the Surviving an Affair book, and maybe share this site with him. It helped our relationship tremendously.<P>Constantly apologize and reassure your husband of your love and that you regret the choice you made. It will help him.<P>I still love my husband, and I'm sure your husband will still love you. But this will take a lot of time and strength to get through. Arrange to take some days off from work for both of you. You will need them.<P>With prayers and best wishes,<P>Peppermint

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Jill,<P>I would gladly share my feelings (as a betrayed H) but my situation is so different from yours that it probably wouldn't help much.<P>You have two <B>BIG</B> factors in your favor. <BR>1) The affair is in the past, and <BR>2) You clearly love your H and are willing to go to great lengths to prove that to him. <P>Unfortunately, neither of those were true for me in my W's EA.<P>Having said all that, here's what I think you can expect:<BR>1) He will be in shock - his mind will be racing and he will be experiencing a surge of very strong emotions- anger, fear, etc.<BR>2) He will feel emasculated<BR>3) He may worry about STDs<BR>4) He will be bewildered that you could have kept this from him all this time - seemingly living a lie. This may end up being the biggest hurt.<P>You are wise to be willing to give him time and space to experience all this without you pressing him to recover from it to quickly. <P>He will be very disoriented, so use the advantages mentioned above to help him gain his balance and understand his position in this new landscape.<P>Ask him not to make any rash decisions. One of your advantages is how you feel about your H now and you can best show that by being there with him, so don't be too willing to go. You shouldn't need to move out, but you might want to be prepared to spend the night at a friend's house if absolutely necessary. <P>You are doing all the right things. God will bless you for that and help you through this, but it may be a bumpy ride at first. <P>On more thing Jill... Do you have ANY clue how many of us are glued to your posts and are now praying for you and waiting on the edges of our seats to see how it all goes for you? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<p>[This message has been edited by 2sad4words (edited March 08, 2000).]

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Hi Jill!<P>As a betrayed woman, I'd like to share my experience with you. Do not lie to him about any aspect of the affair. In May, I was originally told that my man's affair was only for the month of March '99 and that it meant nothing to him. In August, the OW called me and I learned different. I was so shocked, I could not cry... not until the next day. In a week or so, I told my man that I still wanted US. We have been struggling since, but the sun is about to shine.<P>My other advice is please do not give excuses, blame, or justification. Don't say you did it because he did something or he did not meet your needs... don't point the finger at him. Affairs are choices. We all have choices and some times we make the wrong one. Be honest with him. He will be extremely hurt, but in the end he will love you more for your honesty. Trust? It will come in time. Don't push it or expect it over night.<P>Jill, I have complete faith in you and your relationship with your husband. It will all work out into a more powerful and loving relationship! Give him some time to let it all sink in. If he has a hard time dealing with it, send him here to us. We have been one of your greatest supports, and we would be honored to support him too.<P>You are in my prayers.

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<BR>Jill,<P>IMO, dealing with the revelation of an ongoing affair is MUCH harder. This is because the betrayed has to deal with the hurt, anger, depression, worries, etc. of the betrayal PLUS the concern that the OP is still in the picture, the betraying spouse is still "up for grabs," and that the marriage may end despite a desire on the part of the betrayed to rebuild.<P>I agree with the other posters. Your H is going to be devastated by this news. Don't make excuses, whatever you do. Apologize profusely, vow to repair what you've done, and all of the other sage advice you've seen here. I have to confess, your tale also has me checking in here frequently.<P>Bystander

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I don't really know quite how to say this. On one hand, I definately agree with what everyone says about not making excuses and justifications. We all agree that infidelity was a choice (a bad one at that), and that betrayers have other, less destructive, options if they are not happy with their marriage. Here is the problem, though. Jill, your marriage did not get into the state that it is all by itself. Yes, you (and me too) did something that will make the problems harder to fix, and maybe your H won't want to fix them with you. The fact that you are taking responsibility for your share in damaging the marriage is very courageous. In time, though, your H will have to come to terms with the things he has done to damage your marriage, if there is to be any long-term healing. This is not something you can expect from him right now, because it will be seen as "justification". Even though your behavior is all your responsibility, the feelings you had before your affair deserve attention. It may be a long time before the dust settles and you two can constructively work to solve the underlying issues here. I'm telling you all of this because I really don't want to see you fall into the "you did nothing wrong. Whip me, beat me (figuratively), do whatever you want to me cause I'm a hopeless sinner" stuff. What I'm afraid of for you, is that some people expect that you should humiliate yourself to re-gain your husband's favor/trust. I don't think so. There is a fine line between humbling yourself, repentance, and accountability, and letting yourself be humiliated. Yes, by all means, take responsibility for your behavior. Do what needs to be done to earn back the trust of your husband, while maintaining your right to be treated like a human being. Figure out what is within you that compelled you to run away from your marital problems. Please understand, though, that your marital problems involves both of you and it will take some time to uncover them. Your husband very likely won't be ready to deal with that for some time. Be patient. One of the consequences of infidelity is that it takes attention away from the real problems in the marriage. Both betrayer and betrayed are responsible for their behavior, regardless of whatever pain they are experiencing at the time. Remember that you are a valuable human being in spite of your failings, and that you don't deserve to be punished. Accountable, yes, punished, no.

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The best things my H did:<BR> Told me that our marriage was important to him and that he was trying very hard to avoid the OW.<BR> He told me that he knew our relationship had problems & that he wanted to improve our marriage, but that his involvement with the Op was a separate thing, that he realized it was his fault alone, and something he had no right to do. That there was no excuse for it, and all he could do was hope I could forgive him.<BR> Hold me while I cried.<P>Hope this helps. I'm rooting for you!<P>

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Coming from me.... I don't know what you will think about it.... but.... I have gone through this scenario so many times in my mind.... even though at this time I am not prepared to confess....<P>I think that the most important thing you can do for him is be completely honest. He is going to have so many questions, of course, you know that.... <P>So, I think that telling him everything that happened will leave him fewer questions to ask. Being that it was a brief affair will be easier than if it were months or years.... I guess if you can be grateful for anything about the affair it would be that it was brief....<P>(I don't know what I would do... I could not possibly re-run every single time I was intimate with OM. What a nightmare....)<P>Good luck to you... I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.... I am proud of you....

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Jill,<P>My prayers are with you.<P>I would like to answer some of your questions from my view point as well as I can.<P>In my opinion an affair that is completely over and in the past would be much easier to deal with than one that is on-going. The fact that you ended it and want to work on your marriage will be a comfort to your H after he gets through the initial pain, hurt and devestation that your revelation will bring him. He may need space to heal and if he does give it to him but don't pack your bags and be ready to leave, it may come accross as you giving up before it has even started.<BR>Expect him not to trust you and to be looking over your shoulder when you are on the computer-since this is where most of it happened. As you are more open and honest with him he will see that you can be trusted again.<BR>I don't know how much you need to go into "details" of your affair. You want to be honest and reveal it but you also don't want to give him "triggers" that could set him back weeks in his recovery. By details I mean your "song", anything special the OM did for you(poerty, flowers, petnames...).<BR>Anyway, I know that I have pretty much repeated what others have said here but I wanted to let you know that I will be thinking about you. <BR>God Bless<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole smile

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Thank you so much for your replies. You have helped me to clear my mind and sort my thoughts. You have helped me to understand more about what will happen and what I can expect from my husband. <P>I'm scared. I'm not scared of what will happen to ME. I'm scared of seeing the look of devastation in my husband's eyes. I'm scared of seeing him cry. I'm scared of seeing him hurt and disappointed. God has gotten me this far...I know that He won't leave me. I feel like God is not only preparing me for what's to come, but I feel like He has been using this week to prepare my husband's heart, as well. I want so much for my marriage to heal, yet I do not expect "instant forgiveness" from my husband. I know that I have a LONG way to go...<P>I have no plans to "pack up and leave" the MB boards any time soon...<P>Thank you for caring so much and for offering your experience and advice to help me -- a stranger.<P>I really am overwhelmed by your kindness towards me.<P>Love,<P>Jill<P>

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Jill, <P>I really wish I could tell you what to expect. All I know is that your husband will be really hurt, and anger usually is a secondary emotion after hurt. Your husband also obviously knows there is something wrong, so he may also feel some relief after hearing what the problem is.<P>There is one thing that I do know with absolute conviction. God is in control of your situation. He will guide you. God almost never tells us the entire plan, he only tells us to trust him for the next step. I think you should just pray to God to give you the strength to handle your husband's reaction and to tell you the next step after that. I think the words of this song may help,<P>He is able, God is able,<BR>to accomplish what concerns me today.<BR>He is able, God is able, <BR>to handle anything that comes my way.<BR>He is able, Truly able,<BR>to do much more than I could ever dream,<BR>He is able, God is able,<BR>to make me what he wants me to be. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

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Jill,<P>My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers, most sincerely. I was just there. I confessed last Saturday. With out a doubt, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Some advice I got that might be worth sharing and I think it made a bit of a difference for me. First, keep your intial disclosure very brief, one or 2 sentenances and then be quiet. The devastation of hearing the word affair will shut out all other conversation for several moments, let it sit. Your situation is different than mine, but I'll tell you what I said. I told her first, that there was nothing she did or didn't do that made me do what I did. I let that sit for about a minute. Then I wanted to defend God's reputation, my W feels spiritually dry right now, and so I wanted her to know that He didn't forsake her, I did. I let that sit for a minute then, I told her that I'd had an affair, when it started and when it ended. Then I quit talking. I didn't cry or get upset.<P>She became angry, called me names, said she would see the attorney tomorrow. She asked me some questions, who it was, did I have intercourse and a few other appropriate questions.<P>She then walked away (we are already separated due to her discoveries of evidence of my past addiction) and was gone for about 15 minutes, then came back and the first thing she said to me was "thank you for being honest". That has been a real problem in our marriage for a while now. Then she wanted to talk. She was the most honest with me, that she has been in a very long time.<P>The next day, (Sat) she called me and for the first time sincerely asked why, what were some of my complaints in our marriage. It allowed me to share my own hurts for the first time in years.<P>Currently, she still wants a divorce, however I am believing for a healing. I believe that God has shown me that we will be healed.<P>A key thing for you it like theStudent said, place your trust in Jesus, you have the authority to bind satan's attacks of fear and intimidation. He is a lier, and he will lie to you and your H, beware.<P>I will certainly be praying for you and in agreement that God hates divorce and it is His desire that marriages reconcile.<P>Repenting


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