Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#367598 03/09/00 07:11 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 4
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 4
I would like to start off by quoting Jersey Joe.<P>"We have all met people we fould attractive and felt very compatable with that we could have affairs with.<P>Everybody! I bet it happens 2-3 times a year to most people. But we don't act on it. The reason we don't act on it is because we know it is wrong. It takes an effort to develop a relationship with someone. If you know they are married, you have already weighted the options and know the consequences before you begin."<P>What Jersey Joe is saying is so true. The problem I'm having is that I'm so tempted. How do I go about taming those fantasies that spread like wildfire through my head?<P>My husband travels frequently on extended trips that sometimes lasts for several months. We love each other very much and we talk on the phone every day. Yet, that temptation of the tangible can be very difficult to overcome - for both of us.<P>My number one need is to please my man. I thouroughly enjoy the day in day out ways that I can make him feel like the king of our household. When he is not around I get very confused because I need him so much. <P>It is also very tempting for him as well. I know he is going through a difficult time right now. He is currently in a training situation where his partner is a single woman. His success in the program is determined by how well they work together as a team. They share many late evenings in his hotel room studying and after class it is convenient for them to have lunch.<P>I trust him. Yet, he is traveling down that road to an affair. I'm hoping he's strong enough to resist the temptation if a moment arises between them. <P>

#367599 03/09/00 09:02 PM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,323
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 1,323
G.G.,<BR> Of course everyone is tempted.We wouldn't be human if we weren't.But if people let their emotions control their behaviors,this world would be in a real mess.Unfortunately,too much of that is already going on.There's more to avoiding temptation than just willpower.I always thought of marriage as an invisible wall.You can see what's on the other side,but you don't ever think about going over it.Make sense?All you really have to do is read the posts here,and see the pain and devastation infidelity brings.On one hand,you say you are tempted,but then you say you're afraid your H is going to have an affair.Being seperated because of your H's job is obviously very hard on your marriage.Have you talked to him about this?You really should address your concerns if you feel one of you may have an affair.Would it be possible for you to go with him?Is it possible for him to seek another position so he doesn't travel so much?Might be serious considerations if you want your marriage to last.This training with another woman could be an affair just waiting to happen.My W's affair started after she took a job in the evenings as the only woman(good-looking woman)in the office,with a bunch of men parading through.She got tempted,and the rest is history.You do have control over your actions.Think how much it would hurt your H if you did that to him.The pain is almost unbearable.It sounds like you're doing the right thing by talking to him when he's away.I would also suggest writing him letters that express your love that he can read over again when you're not there.Trust?Well,absolute trust is wonderful.But there's an old saying about trust;Trust in God,but tie up your horse!Good luck to you. --Murph

#367600 03/09/00 09:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 79
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 79
glisten_girl,<P>Wow. I am really honored to be quoted!<P>Thanks for the compliment.<P>Your husband traveling for months at a time is a problem. With that said, can you still have a loving, caring, monogomus realtionship? <P>Of Course! <P>Will it be harder to resist the man I sense you are already attracted to? <P>Of Course!<P>Please try to learn from others mistakes, especially mine. No job in the world; no hobby; nothing; should be more important to either of you then your relationship.<P>Forget the whole temptation issue for now. Your husband being gone for months at a time is no way for either of you to live.<P>He needs to get a new job. His job should be a vehicle to support the lifestyle you want. It should not dominate your lives!<P>After what I have just been through losing my ex., I can't tell you how sensitive I am <BR>to watching people at my office totally ignoring their families.<P>One of the reaons she left was because I was more occupied with everything else in the world but her.<P>Talk to your husband ASAP Please!!!!!<P>Good Luck and God Bless!<P>

#367601 03/09/00 10:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 333
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 333
glisten_girl,<P>I'm there too. My H travels all the time. Usually he will come home a a couple of days a month.<P>There is never a shortage of men offering to step in and "help" me with whatever they can. I have to admit that I've let some of them come over and fix broken water pipes, etc. <P>I don't have any choice but to call someone to help me in an emergency. I ALWAYS make arrangements with a friend to be here at the same time. <P>I know the temptations. Sometimes I want so much to feel a mans arms around me comforting me when I feel so lonely ... especially on those days when *everything* seems to go wrong. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Is the woman assisting him a friend of yours? It might help if you cultivate a friendship with her. <P>Is there any chance that you might arrange to accompany your H on some of these trips? <P>Some things you can do to help him when he's away:<P>Pack love notes in his suitcase, hide one in a sock, put one in his briefcase, anywhere you can think of. I try to place them in places where I know he won't find them for a few days. He really gets a thrill when he finds them. <P>H never mentioned this to me... but a friend told me about a time H was in Chicago and found one of my notes in a sock. friend said H glowed with pride and bragged to everyone about it till they got tired of hearing him! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] done wonders for my ego!<P>Leave him a voice mail telling him that your thinking about him and missing him. Make it happy and upbeat, no sad lonely stuff.<P>Find out the address of a motel he will be staying in on a specific date. Mail him a funny card timed to arrive when he is there.<P>does he carry a beeper. we have # codes that I can call and leave on his beeper. We have a code meaning "I love you" another one "I miss you" another one that means "emergency ... call home immediately" there's no limit to the codes you can make up. <P>Get creative and think up some ways to surprize him when he gets home. <P>I'm getting carried away here, email me if you want more ideas.... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <P>Keo<BR>

#367602 03/09/00 10:57 PM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 456
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 456
Hey, GG and Keo.......Sounds like we need to form a Traveler's Wifes club or something. I would invite both of you to write articles for my web site. Anyone who's married to a traveler can submit stories or ideas. I am a long way from having enough material on the site and would love additional imput. And just think, you could use writing advise and idea articles for other Traveler's spouses to fill the lonely hours when your man is gone. There are no experts on the subject yet.<P>Beth

#367603 03/10/00 02:42 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 333
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 333
Pilots Wife<P>I didn't know you have a web site. Can you either post or email the address?<P>About the article writting offer, the post above is my very best writing effort! LOL even spell check can't correct my bad grammer... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] but thanks for boosting my ego with the offer. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I have several friends who's H's travel. I could give them your email if you would be interested in talking with them about more ideas.<P>Keo<P><BR>

#367604 03/10/00 06:15 AM
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 1,637
There's no reason why they have to study in his hotel room.<P>In cases where men and women have to travel together, other arrangements can be made. Most hotels now have lobbies with tables and seating where people can work. If the hotel restaurant isn't crowded, they could work over drinks. OR, they could stay in a suite-type hotel where at least they're not together in a bedroom.<P>I've had to do this, and the fellow I was traveling with wanted me to come to his room to coordinate our seminar schedules. I told him to meet me at the bar instead.<P>You can't stop him from doing anything, but I do think that a happy life at home will often cause someone to think twice.<P>

#367605 03/10/00 06:23 AM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 483
GG,<P>Gotta add my vote to those that say no job is worth this risk. You can't change human nature (we are all tempted) but you can change your envorinment.

#367606 03/10/00 02:26 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 4
G
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
G
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 4
Golly what a surprise - thanks to all of you for your replies!!<P>Hi Murphy:<BR>Yes I do see the wall, but I'm confused when my heart feels that passion racing through my veins. <P>My husband and I have very open communication. We both understand human nature, but still...unfullfilled needs can leave a big gap for temptation.<P>I can't go with him. We've explored that possibility at great lengths. It is way too unrealistic. The kids and I need a life too. We can't ride on his back hotel to hotel.<P>Sorry about your wife. I know the pain, and will never cross that line again. <P>Hi there Jersey Joe:<BR>Once again you are full of insight. My thoughts are currently wandering about a certain gentleman. When he is near I never want to leave. Thankfully it is just a crush from afar. Our paths never cross unless I make it. I'm sure he has absolutely no interest in me. Yet why do I do this to myself. Why do I need to feel a man in my life - the most wonderful feeling in the whole world. We are not even friends, yet I keep fantasizing about dating him, getting to know all about him, taking care of him, kissing him. IT IS SO SAD!!! I feel like I'm an obsessed sicko! Why do I feel I need that??? <P>I don't want my husband to get a new job. He has the coolest job. It is something he has worked so hard for, and I'm so proud of him!! I understand what you say though and he is going to interview later this month for a position that is a little more stable. He will be travelling only a couple times a week instead of months at a time. I hope that it is Gods plan for us. If not,there must be a reason why we go through the trials we do.<P>Your story is so sad. As I read your posts I believe your ex-wife still loves you. I think she is just confused. Be her rock, and she'll come back. I went back to mine. He is my stability. I was falling and he caught me and gently stood me back up. The OM was a nobody in his eyes. His concern was me my safety. Now in my heart even though we are apart I know that he is standing firm. I can fling all about and be my natural inconsistant self and he will be there for me. I am free to be me and I can count on him to be my man. He will always be my rock and I love him.<P>(when I talk like this ... I can't think of anyone else.hmmmmm)<P><BR>Keosha & others,I'll be right back. I would like to respond to your posts<P>------------------<BR><I>"Love is an energy that surrounds us...the more love we give away, the more we become filled with it." ~ J.S. Bolen,M.D. </I>

#367607 03/10/00 03:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 108
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 108
glisten_girl<P> Just wanted to say that all the support here seems to be sound advise. Glad you were able to identify the risks in your relationship! I was not so observant [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I (like so many here) wish so much that my H would have been strong and told me his feelings so that we could have prevented this affair garbage.<BR> <BR>***Someone said that you should consider being FRIENDS with your husbands coworker.***<P> This is fine but do realize that people have affairs with even their spouses closest family, friends, etc. Many, who have had this double betrayal(myself included)happen would remark how this helped the affair; to a certain amount. The OP gets to know more about your relationship ie. weaknesses, spouses favorites,etc. I'm not saying that all OP are out to ruin a marriage but it helps to have this information just fall into their lap! My WARNING is not to think you are safe from being betrayed because you know or are friends with this woman. <P> Please follow your heart, mind and sprirt! Take Care, BECCA<P>


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 140 guests, and 97 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,810
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5