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#369354 03/17/00 01:40 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 52
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Ginnie Offline OP
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After some very rough times, my H and I decided to separate for a while. (It's been 3 weeks). I think that because of such rough times, he's actually enjoying being alone. I'm still very much in love with him and I thought the tine apart would help him value me more and realize that our marriage is worth saving. The only thing we've gained is that he's realized that we are better off this way and that there is no real solution to all our problems. HE feels that the only solution is to divorce. I am devestated. Since our separation, I've been going to see a psychologist who has helped me very much. Thanks to her and to all the great replies I've received in the Marriage Builders forums, I've realized that I have to work on MY self esteem. The reason why I didn't feel valued was because I wasn't valuing myself! I have even learned to understand him like I never have before. The problem is that he doesn't see any other solution other than a divorce! He's so certain that neither of us will ever change, therefore he doesn't even want to make an effort. This whole situation is killing me inside, especially because I'm begining to think that he doesn't love me anymore. The interesting thing is that he still wants to be great friends. I, of course would love to be his friend and his wife. I can be both! As a last resort, I've asked him to meet with my psychologist. He agreed to meet her, but only to help me deal with our separation and divorce. I fear that he's just going to tell her, "Please tell my wife that I don't love her anymore and help her go on with her life". My psychologist has already told me to let go and accept that he wants a divorce. She even told me NOT to get my hopes up just because he's agreed to see her. I don't know what's going to happen after their meeting...I'm afraid. I realize that I have to stop chasing him, because he just doesn't want to be caught and the more I chase him, the more he's going to run away. Perhaps I should just let him go even though it's causing me such pain? By being his "Friend" can I perhaps try to gain his love back? I don't want to lose him, but then again, he wants it ALL without the sacrifice! Please share your views with me. Thank you!<BR>Ginnie<P>

#369355 03/16/00 03:12 PM
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 140
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Your H has to be made to understand that after all the pain you've suffered, unless there is an effort at resolution and rebuilding, the pain will always be there between you. If he wants to divorce (and not resolve or rebuild anything), he has to be made to understand that any contact with him would be, for you, incredibly damaging and painful.<P>It's rare that when people divorce they remain friends - usually only when the split was mutually agreed-upon. This isn't the situation in your case, and considering you still want to work on things, contact with him after a permanent split would likely only hurt you and set you back permanently.<P>It may be that he is attempting to assuage his guilt over hurting and leaving his best friend (you) by attempting to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to leave, but still wants to have you. He has to realise that he can't do this, and that he has to take responsibility, behave in an adult and rational matter, and do what's right instead of doing what's comfortable and easy.<P>My deepest regrets for your pain.<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

#369356 03/17/00 10:42 AM
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 245
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You just need to keep working on yourself. When your h is around, be his friend. No lovebusters, no selfish demands. Don't expect anything in return. This is an aweful experience to have to go through. Make yourself fun to be around while still being you. Read the book "Surviving an Affair" and keep going to your counselor. It sounds like she is giving you good advice. Also in a nonthreatening way explain to your h that if you divorce tell him what kind of relationship you will be able to have with him. Obviously you will not be able to give him the kind of relationship you have now. Remember, his brain is not functioning in reality. Fantasy land is alive and living in his thoughts. Take care of yourself and if you can't Plan A effectively, go to Plan B.


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