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mercy Offline OP
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This week has been a very bad LB from H!! It is making me very angry!<P>a few days ago, there was a very big accusation of fooling around becasue of a bruise near my breast/arm pit area. it was from a gate in the horse pasture. I am not sure if I have lived that down yet, then last night, I had college algebra(ugggg) and i stayed until 10:30 in class. He could check with the instructor if it makes him happy I guess. Anyway, on my way home there he is barrel a***** down the highway to come and check on me. EXCUSE ME? he hollerd and freaked out on me, saying that my schooling is taking up too much time and that i am going to lose my family because of it and they are all going to hate me when it is all over with and all i will ahve is a degree and nothing to show for it. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?<P>I am afraid i am going to have to leave. I cannot stand to live in a fish bowl. I do not want to answer to every living minute of my day. Not only do I not want to i am not going to.<P>I AM SO PISSED OFF!!!!!!! He is very upset and angry. I am not sure what is up with H. I don't even like him today. I don't feel the want or need to talk to him about anything anymore. It ends up in the face.<P>We cannot fill out the EN questionaire becasue I cannot answer then correctly or he will fall apart. Is this marriage really over? At this point for me it has nothing to do with OM. Just me and no freedom. I Hate It!!!!!!!<P>ARghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am so damned angry!!!! I want to scream and yeell and rant and rave and god only knows what!! this writing is not helping. <P>Do you know i cannot take a shower with out company? I cannot go anywhere without and exact account of where i am going and how long it will be when i get back! I cannot sit in the house without the third degree about what my day is going to consist of. I never can sleep alone. I tried the on the couch for space thing and he just slept on the floor. When i tried to sleep with the kids, he woke me up every few minutes to makesure i was okay. I cannot take it! It is like my space has been invaded and there is no getting them out!<P>I am leaveing today. I am going to find my own place. Plan A is out, I am going to induct Plan B!!!!!!!!<P>Thanks for listening<BR>Mercy

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Mercy,<P>How long has it been since he found out about the affair? How long have you two been back together? If you cannot fill out EN questionaire for fear he will learn what you have been up to. And he knows something about the affair, don't you think he just might be a little short on trust at this point?<P>He seems a little over the top, but he is probably still recovering. Maybe you should spend a little time cooling down and understand his side some. Maybe the two of you should also do some talking about where you stand. He obviously needs reassurance that you are not taking off with OM.<P>Of course finding a new place right now will also reenforce his concern about and the OM.<P>Please consider this move for a moment and view it from his side. He may need more communications and time to heal from this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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mercy Offline OP
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it isn't a matter of him finding out anything, any affair that i am having right now is all in my head. there hasn't really been any contact in quite sometime.<P>Being brutally honest isn't a way to heal i am thinking. <P>He knows about the affair. discovery of the rekindled affair has been almost 3 months. This behavior isn't new to me, he has always been this way it is just worst now. But a shower? who in the heck am i going to sneak into the shower?<P>I have no patience at all for this behavior. <BR>we have never seperated. but we are now. I cannot feel out what is going on if he is always trying to get inside my very being.<P>Thanks for listening.<BR>

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Your H may be behaving inappropriately. However, it may help to understand some of the basic "truths" of how it feels to be betrayed.<P>It makes you feel as you are a different person. I am usually laid back and quiet and controlled, so even when I was a self described fruit loop for a few months after discovery, it wasn't too bad externally. Internally was another matter. However if I had found reason to suspect my H, it may have put me over the edge so to speak. <P>Not to minimize the pain and confusion the betrayer goes through, but I do think it is difficult for a betrayer to comprehend the sheer depth of pain that actually steamrolls the betrayed, especially early on.<P>When you have been betrayed, I think you lose the ability to trust your own judgement. The world turns upside down. Everything you thought was true or a given seems suspect. Reality becomes skewed. You just are unable to determine reality.<P>It is like your mind spins like a tire stuck in a snowdrift.<P>You might try searching under posts from two soul mates and Building a Better Arik (same person). Many may be in the read only posts. He ranted and raved many times on this very subject...all the while he was still carrying on the emotional side of his affair. <P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

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Mercy,<BR>I can only respond to you as being the betrayed. I did not check up on him....but sometimes I did get in the shower with him. Sometimes I felt like going out and looking for him. <P>It is very hard from our stand point too. Please remember that he is hurting too. It is hard to explain .....but I needed to be reassured that he still loved me....that ow was out of the picture. Him acting "normal" just didn't cut it.....you see...he acted "normal" when he was having the affair. I wanted to trust him so bad...but how do you?<P>Ask yourself this question...Do you honestly think that he likes acting this way? I am sure the answer is no....but he doesn't know what to do. You see...you just want your marriage back...want everything back the same....but he is still thinking....if I'm the same...then I wasn't good enough before so how can I be good enough now.<P>It takes a long time not to wake up with that gripping pain in your heart. It takes along time not wanting to be with the betrayer every second of every day. It isn't necessarally him not trusting you....maybe it is him wanting to be with you.<P>I got told I wasn't there for him....that I didn't support him...so how could I change and be there for him if he wasn't here. I wanted so bad to show him I loved him...desired him....needed him....that I sometimes layed it on too thick. It scared him....he ran.<P>Now were are divorcing and I thought the affair pain was bad.....well guess again...this is much worse.<P>Nancy

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mercy Offline OP
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H told me this morning that everything that he is about is gone. the drive to work, the drive to live, the drive to rationalize, the drive to think. It is all gone. That is what he said to me this morning. <P>The worst part is that i find that i cannot sympathize with him. I am absolutely unable to comfort him. I am so angry and aggravated with his very presense. I do not understand why i am unable to be supportive. <BR>I am just as tired as he is of the fight to stay sane. <P>I am going to take this weekend and go away and think. Right now i just want to pack up and leave and never come back. I know that i cannot make a decision in the termoil that we are in right now.<P>Any idea's on a way to sort out all of this? Maybe i really do not have any right to even feel this way. I am the one who did all the damage. <P>thanks again for listening

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Mercy,<BR>I don't know what to tell you to do. Do you go away and have your H more devastated? I know I was each and every time he walked out the door and didn't come back for a couple days. Just pushed us farther and farther away....it just slowed my healing process down.<P>You sound very much like my stbx. He said that the anger in him would not allow him to be close to me, and that hurt me more...so he had to leave. To this day...I can't understand....not sure I ever will. I can't understand his anger....he betrayed me! What does he have to be angry for? I just so confused.....I am sorry....but I need to understand what YOU have to be angry for. I am not trying to confront you....maybe simply to understand this anger thing. Please help me.<P>Nancy

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Time. Patience. Commitment. Self-Control. More Time. More Patience. More Commitment and More Self Control. <P>Repeat as needed.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

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mercy Offline OP
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Nancy,<P>I DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!<P>I just know that i am. Today I cannot hardly control it. <P>Maybe i am angry at him for all the past damage. the damage to my heart, to my soul and to me. Angry at him because i am so scared up that i am unable to love him. angry because in a sense he pushed me out the door. He was not there AT ALL emotionally when i had my affair the first time. that is what i had the first time and emotional affair. it jsut escalated from there. from ea to pa. <P>I had the affair. no one forced me to go home with OM. I am not laying blame all on him. i definetly take the blame for my part.<P>understand this, [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com], we live on a ranch we never leave. my house is small, we do not have a sitter for kids. I have no time to think. I am on demand 24/7. I cannot sort out anything with everyone demanding from me. My H right now is like a leach. sucking the life right out of me. I need to go away for a short time or i will be gone for good. I am serious, i cannot take this anymore. <P>Please reply<BR>Mercy

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mercy Offline OP
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No reply's!!!<P>perhaps a lot of this stems from withdrawal. Maybe it stems from entrapement.<P>Anyway, this is how it goes.<BR>

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mercy Offline OP
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[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Mercy, maybe your anger is signaling you to make some changes.<P>Sounds like maybe your affair was more of an escape than an emotional involvement.<P>You are going to school...will this help more positive situations to develope in your life?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

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I have a theory. Could it be that you're angry because you had to give up something that felt good (the OM) and what you're getting back for that sacrifice isn't what you wanted or expected?<P>I think you should go ahead and fill out that EN questionnaire truthfully so that he will know what your needs are. He can't stop LBing and start meeting your needs if he isn't given the information. You need to communicate. You need to tell him flat out that you need enough space to be able to think, that he needs to stay on the ohter side of the room once in a while. That you recognize his need to be with you, but you need to be able to shower alone. <P>Communicate.

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I am sorry you are so angry. Although I am the betrayed and cannot exactly understand what you're going through, I know my H has days when he is angry at the world. He told me he just gets angrier when he thinks to himself that he has no right to be angry because of what he's done.<P>Take it slow. I know this is all very hard, but you can make it through.<P>Is there any chance you could get a sitter for a night and have dinner with a trusted friend or family member? It might help you feel less trapped.<P>I know my H has been complaining that he has no life away from me any more. I am scared to leave him alone because he has betrayed my trust in the past. The only way we are going to get through this is to keep trying and give it time. Perhaps that is something you can do, too? Good luck!

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mercy Offline OP
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I do not know what is going on but i just posted a very long response to you all and it didn't post!?!<P>Sorry,<P>Initially, I am angry because i am trapped. I am also angry because i do not want to give up OM. but in a sense i guess i do not want to give up the comfort zone of a place to live, H is there and so are my kids.I feel like a different person now that i am in school. More self confidence, feel good aobut myself ect. This is a bit painful to admit here. I have a new friend( i have known her for a couple of yearrs but this afffair has brought us together, you see it seems that her husband was having an affair with my OM wife at the same time I was having the afffair with Om!)(oh what a tangle web we weave when......)<BR>anyhow, she said that the counseling they went to made him open up about every aspect of the affair. sexually, emotionally ect. She said that when the bondage was broken (secrets of the sexual aspect) he was able to start healing. Interesting. How in the heck do you do that?<P>Mercy<P>

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Mercy,<P>FHL mentioned some posts to read that I think may help you understand that you are not alone in your emotional state. 2 soulmates and Being a Better Arik is my H. He was very angry and defensive for a very long time. Also check out my posts so you can kinda get an idea what your anger and defendiveness does to your H(I was untallnikba for a while as well).<BR>For some reason, the fog lifted from Arik's head and he is so understanding now. He is so much more open and willing to share his life with me. He recently gave me his password to his email- something he swore he would NEVER do. The funny thing is that now that I have the password I don't feel compelled to check up on him. When he was hiding it from me it was all I could think about.<BR>Check out a post in the recovery forum by HGBrawner titled "things my H did to regain my trust". I think you will find it very insightful. I am not saying opening up will be easy but it will lead you and your H down the road to recovery.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited March 29, 2000).]


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