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#373734 04/04/00 06:48 PM
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This is my first post to this site. Actually, it's my first post to any web site! I had an affair with a man that was a good friend to my husband and me. We met several years ago in our church. Over the past 2 years, our families became closer, and we started doing lots of things together. We spent our summer vacations together, our weekends together, etc. The OM and I developed a close relationship. As it turns out a very stereotypical relationship for affairs. We had an EA for several months. (It's hard to tell just when it started.) We began a PA in December. He had decided he was ready to leave his wife for me and wanted us to get married. I couldn't bring myself to commit to a marriage with him without trying to fix the marriage I was in. Our spouses found out the same day. He was ready to leave, even brought me roses at work and propsed. (Again) I expected my husband to leave me when he found out the truth, so I didn't think I had much choice. However, by the grace of God, my husband didn't leave. I called the OM and told him I was going to work on my marriage. He has since stated he was just going through a bad time, and knows his wife is the one he should be with. this was within about 3 or 4 days. I personally have dealt with withdrawal, and all of the pain and consequences of what I've done. This all happened 3 months ago. I'm feeling better now most days. We still see the OM at church, but besides a brief conversation in which he apologized to me, there has been no contact. I do know that he hasn't told the complete truth to his wife about the affair because of conversations she's had with my husband, as well as things I've heard from mutual friends. It's really difficult to hear how I pursued him, when the exact opposite is true. I do realize that's just part of the consequences I must deal with. My husband is now dealing with his anger. We've stayed together the entire time and spend hours talking and sharing each day. That's something that was missing for a long time. He doesn't trust me. He also feels the OM may still try to contact me since we neither one feel he has truly confessed the truth to his wife. We doubt his sincerity, etc. I still care about him, but realize more and more each day how deceptive he is with everyone. I've heard the half-true stories he told people during our affair, as well as the ones he tells now. I also recognize the things he told me at that time were only partially true. I suppose I'm writing to say that those of us who betray also feel the pain of what has happened. I know my marriage had problems, or the affair would have never happened. I'm not at all trying to justify, only trying to come up with a explanation for how I got so lost. I felt like a single mom to our 3 kids while my husband worked alot. We have been married almost 10 years, I can't believe I risked all of that. We are doing well, but we're not out of the woods yet. We just keep praying, going to counseling, staying close together,and sharing. I know I've rambled, but it does feel good to share this with people who know what we're going through.

#373735 04/04/00 07:23 PM
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Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you have made tremendous progress since Xmas. I am glad to see you are trying to save the marraige. Thank you for sharing your story as well. I am sure there will be a lot of questions for you from all of us "betrayed". Good luck in your marraige and prayers are with you.<BR>Dana<BR>

#373736 04/04/00 08:04 PM
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You have a great deal of the battle already won here. But I have a couple of suggestions for you to think through..... My situation is similar to yours except the ow was single. Unfortunately Christian marriages are being hit more and more by infidelity and we must do all we can to take them back from Satan.<P>First of all, I want to encourage you and your husband to pray diligently about searching for a new church home. I imagine that the one you are in is special to you, and we thought we could continue in our old church as well. But the presence of the ow was a continuous negative reminder for both of us and we also experienced some very unChristian behavior from people we thought were friends. It is very unlikely that you can fully heal in your present church. Give that to God and let Him guide you. He has taken us to a wonderful church where we have shared our story selectively and found love and support. We know now that this was necessary to our healing.<P>I also want to encourage you to read a great book titled Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is the only scripturally sound book on healing from the pain of an affair that I have found....and I've read several. It is written in a clear, concise way and is excellent for both you and your husband to read. The foundation of faith is excellent and it isn't preachy and doesn't throw simplistic "churchy" platitudes at you.<P>I also hope you are in counseling. I truly believe that qualified Christian counseling is essential to healing. If your pastor is a trained marriage and family therapist, he may be a good source, but most pastors are not trained in dealing with the issues you are facing. I'm not trying to be negative, but you are <B>very</B> early in this process....you have many more months of a roller coaster ride before you and you need some solid counseling to help you. It is very common to take 2-3 years for complete healing....sometimes longer. My husband and I are 2 years away from the discovery and end of his brief affair and we had an ideal situation for healing. We never spent one night apart and he immediately cut off all contact with the ow. It took him about 3 days to see her for what she really was....a sick woman searching for her third husband and never really a friend to either of us....but he did. We talked and cried and talked and cried and made love and were generally joined at the hip when we weren't at work. And it still took all of the past two years to get where we are today. And we both still have our down moments...our negative reminders. I think that complete healing is not forgetting the affair, but learning to live happily even though it is in your memory bank.<P>Come on over to the In Recovery boards...you'll find good people there who can support you as you work to earn your husband's trust again and work with him to build a better marriage.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

#373737 04/04/00 10:32 PM
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ITC(for short)-<BR>Well, unfortunately the boat you are in is a crowded one. I am in a similar situation as you and HGB only she (the OW) was my best friend and her H my H's best friend, couple best friends you might say. Our kids are the same ages and yes you guessed it...best friends. We went to the same church and I must echo the thought of finding a different church. We were at the same one for 20 + years and decided to find a new one and it has been wonderful. THe people are very friendly and we explained the situation to the Pastor and he had been down that same path with others members.<P>I know GOd did not have anything to do with making things happen but He did use it to make us do some serious examing of every aspect of our lives including why we were at church and why we did what we did. He moved us for a reason and I think He has wonderful things planned for us.<P>Just a piece of advice, don't focus on who did what or who is to blame or who isn't being truthful (as long as it isn't you!) we went through the same exact scenario with the OW, we think she just kind of swept it under the rug with her H. It was a hard pill to swallow, hearing all the things she was saying but those that knew better, simply knew better. Focus on you and your marriage and you might do a little focusing on the great guy you married also. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I will try to keep up to date on your situation and progress.<P>Duck and Weave

#373738 04/04/00 10:50 PM
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Itc,<P>I was just laying in bed when my wife (Duck and Weave) came in and said you have got to see this its scarry, the simularities. I guess I am just continually amazed how close to home this is for us "church going christians". Lori and I will pray for you guys and hope we can be an encouragement for you both. If you want to read about us--search in "read-only archives" under "best friend betrayal" and you will see the simularities. If you cant find it let us know and we will try to help if your interested. Have you got the book "Surviving an Affair" yet. It really helped us to understand the dynamics of an affair and how to end and prevent another with much understanding of how affairs happen. Have a great nite and you have come to a great place.<P>Greg (Scarecrow)<P>You know---"if I only had a brain" and we just happen to be from Ks.

#373739 04/04/00 10:59 PM
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Hi.<P>I'm so glad that you found the forum!<P>I had an affair last year. My affair was with a man from another state...someone that my husband doesn't know. I've been married for 7 years (no children) and have also asked myself, "WHY did I trash my life for time with another man? How could I let myself get 'so-far-gone'?"<P>I've always been labeled as a "goody-goody", so for me an affair was "out of character". One thing that I finally realized is that in the right/wrong circumstances, even the best people/marriages can become vulnerable.<P>Like you, after I ended my affair, I realized that the OM wasn't all that he was "cracked-up" to be...what a shocker, but what a relief...I think that ending my affair was so much easier because my eyes were opened so quickly to the fact that this guy was/is SCUM.<P>I admire your strength for being able to work on your marriage while still dealing with having to see the OM in your church, etc.<P>I don't have any amazing advice for you right now. I just wanted to let you know that you've come to the right place and that you're not alone.<P>Jill

#373740 04/05/00 03:01 AM
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As the betrayer also,I know exactly what your going through and I know it feels so good to vent.Especially when you feel you really can't talk to anyone about it.<P>I have chosen not to tell my H about my affair for reasons that are best for my situation right now.<P>I had a really humiliating break up with the OM.He actually broke it off with me.Which I am so glad he did but deep down I really wanted to end the whole time but for some reason I just couldn't.I guess thats what you call the "addictive" side to it.But right at that moment when he said "I just can't do this anymore"-it was like lighting just hit me!<P>I realized right then how disgusting the whole thing really was.And could I degrade myself like that.I'm usually such an honest person and to think that I could hurt so many people just for a few moments of selfish pleasure-THAT just freaks me out!<P>That humiliation brought to a place now where I feel very sorry for what I've done,however it has made me really want to work on my marriage.And already our marriage has done a 360 just with my extra effort,my H and I have had long talks about why we were so distant and now we are both making alot of extra effort in spending time together and showing affection.<P>It's so crazy now to think that I ever had eyes for someone else,when all along I had it in front of me the whole time!!<P>I don't want to ever risk losing that again!!It was a valuable lesson but at a hard price!!<P>I hope that my venting has made you feel a little more at ease and that your not alone!!!<P>Take Care<BR>Reina

#373741 04/05/00 06:20 AM
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Welcome <B>I'm the cheater</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Prayers... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#373742 04/05/00 09:44 AM
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Thanks for all of the responses. I've been looking at this site for awhile now. I read Surviving an Affair. My husband and I have also read several other books. Some are encouraging, some aren't. I'll look for Torn Asunder. We are prayerfully considering changing churches. It's a difficult situation. The OM family acutually started the church we're in, so he feels like it's his church. He has complained though that he has been treated differently than us. He was a Deacon, and was asked to resign. Also headed up several committees and was asked to stop that also. My husband still serves as a Deacon, but I've stopped all of my leadership positions until I can heal enough to serve. Also, I know I need to stop worrying about what is being said by him. Someone commented that the op in their affair swept it under the rug. I feel they've done the same. Within a week his wife wrote me a letter saying their marriage was stronger than ever. She's told other people they are now "ecstatic", and feel like they are on their honeymoon again. I look at that and sometimes feel we are hopeless if we're still in so much pain 3 months later. Then reality hits and I know that they are building on shaky ground to say the least, while we're rebuilding slowly and carefully. We still have conversations about how we'll deal with this if we don't stay together. My husband is still working through his anger, and I'm trying to give him the freedom to do that without feeling threatened. Thanks for the advice! It is amazing how many of us feel safe and secure with our Christian friends. Christians are vulnerable to sin too, and actually are Satan's favorite targets, he already has the lost people!

#373743 04/05/00 11:43 AM
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To still be in pain three months later is not a sign that you are not healing....please don't guage your success by the level of pain. I know that mine and my husband's pain levels went up and down like a roller coaster for many weeks....you have suffered a deep wound and it is going to take time to heal. I will tell you too, though, to try to focus on the good things in your life rather than your pain. Even in all the pain, we had some wonderful times and our relationship was as good or better than it had been in a couple of years. <P>One of the most important things you will do in the process is to completely dissect the affair so that it doesn't have any power over either of you. It will always be a scar, but it won't always be painful....the scar will serve simply as a reminder of a place you never want to go again. The other important thing you will do is to carefully examine your marriage and both look at areas that you need to work on to make changes and improvements. All of us need to make this a priority whether there is an affair or not....we tend to put more effort into maintaining our yards and cars than we do our marriages.<P>You are very wise to have resigned your positions at church. My husband immediately resigned everything he was involved in and so did I. We knew that our total focus had to be each other, our marriage, and our healing....that was what would glorify God, not our level of involvement in church activities. It was also appropriate for the om to be asked to resign as a deacon....his household is not in order and he needs to make that his top priority.<P>You made a comment that you and your husband are talking about how you'll deal with this if you don't stay together. My prayer is that both of you will begin to put that option behind you....one thing that I know helped my husband and I to heal was that we both were totally committed to working through the pain and building our marriage into something magnificent again. Divorce was simply not an option.....yes, we both thought from time to time that the healing was just too hard and we didn't know if we had the stamina to make it through; but we also knew that we were not going to bring a divorce into the picture. God gave us the stamina we needed to get through it all.<P>When we thought we could stay in the same church with the ow, we both had a terrible time with negative feelings and simply were not able to worship. We both thought that this was Satan working to keep us from finding peace in that church. As we reached the 6th month after everything was revealed and ended, I had an episode where I was sitting in the evening service with the ow in the pew in front of me. I began to cry as it fully hit me that I was sitting in church with the woman who had wanted to destroy my marriage. When we left that night I explained what I was feeling to my husband and he immediately said "It's time to go". It was about 24 hours later that I realized that all of the negative emotions we both had felt during that six months of trying to stay were not from Satan, but they were allowed by God. He was trying to tell us that He had another church for us......that He had a place for us to heal and grow closer to Him. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from both of us and we have not regretted the decision for one moment.<P>Continue to pray....God will show you the right place for you and He will give you the strength you need to get through this valley.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

#373744 04/05/00 02:38 PM
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Itc,<P>HGB said it better than I could ever say it. As in our case divorce was never an option. The best thing that we did for our recovery was leave the church. And as Hgb said, God had bigger and better things for us and our boys. We will keep on praying for you.<P>Greg

#373745 04/05/00 03:05 PM
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Welcome! <P>I was the betrayer.... and I hope you get as much out of this sight as I have.<BR> <BR>My story is somewhat like Reina's. I have chosen not to tell but have been sucessfully working on my marriage to strengthen it.<P>I'm sure you will find much support here...<BR>Good luck.....

#373746 04/05/00 05:12 PM
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Hi,it's me again.(Just for clarity, I am alsoScarecrow's W)<P>We, like you, considered the church we were attending "our church" and were encouraged to not let the OW and family "run us out" but we what we did was not -to run away from- but -to run to- Run to healing, run to God, run to each other. This was simply not possible where we were. There was a wall between us and healing, God and each other and on the other side holding up that wall was the OW. <P>You stated how busy your family and the other family is in the church, could it be GOd is using this situation to make you all stop doing and start being? Being what he wants and taking time to truly focus and worship Him? We, as christians, get so caught in the busyness of church life we start to leave God out of the worship. Just a thought.<P>Another thought about leaving the church-I seem to deal in word pictures so here's another one.<P>Liken your situation with a bad wound (let's say on your foot). The wound is finally starting to heal but there is something in your shoe that keeps ripping the scab off. Which in turn is going to make the scar even worse. Now you wouldn't continue to wear those shoes, would you? No, you would put those shoes aside and maybe after the wound is completely healed you can try to wear them again. But in the meantime you can't go without shoes so you need to find a comfortable pair that will allow the wound to heal but also protecting your feet from new wounds happening. <P>You need to heal and I don't think it can happen in your church with them there. My opinion.<P>A few months back someone was writing, I can't remember who, that tried to stay in their church and what was originally an EA turned into a full blown PA because they didn't leave and take time to heal. THe wound just couldn't heal and was made even worse.<P>It won't be easy to leave and you'll face alot of tough questions but I think you knew fixing this was not going to be easy and I know taking the high road is never pleasant but it will be worth it.<P>Lori


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