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#374757 04/10/00 02:04 PM
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Well it as been over 70 days since D-Day , and 5 weeks since my husband moved out. <BR>I have to move on. I have tried everything and there is no use, it's not working. The more I told him that I love him, tried to be nice, supported him even if it was me that was dying inside, it only drove him away. I truly believe in my heart that if God wants us back together , the only way is if I move away!!! I will be moving with our son 2,000 miles away back home , where we are from . I feel that only ,at "that moment" he will really realize what has happen and it will HIT him hard, that's what he also thinks. He is very confused,Is not happy with who he is, his going through a mid live crisis. He does'nt know still what he feels for her , and he says that it could be 1 month or 12 months or ??????? There's such a big age difference between him and the OW, that it will not work. <BR>I feel that he wants his cake and eat it to.<P> Our relationship will be civilized for the sake of our son. I still have hope in my heart that maybe one day will be back together, I still love him so much, I'm not sure if it's realistic to think this way. One thing I know for sure, is that I want my life back.<BR>Thank You<BR>Anne T<BR>

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I am sorry that things have not improved. You are in my prayers.<P>Kathi

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Perhaps this is the best thing for now. It just may make him think about what he is really losing! <P>AT least you should be able to move on and get a grip on your own mind. You do have to be there and stable for your child. These affairs do horrid things to a family.<P>Remember to be strong. Is there room for him later if he should decide to change? <P>The further away from the OW the better. Keep that in mind.<P>God Bless, and good luck<P>Mercy

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Anne T,<P>I understand your feeling...<P>Have you considered... as part of your move out... doing it as part of a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>?...<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Anne, I know only too well how you feel. It has been about 2 months since my H moved out. We have been together 13 years and have 2 kids. <P>He is 45 and I think in MLC as well. THe OP works closely with him and seems to have knocked any sense out of him.<P>We have yet to discuss what we are doing but they still work closely together. I too am at the point of trying to find my life. I can't go on like this either. I feel it is so disrespectful of me and the kids. I also hope we will get back together but I will move on in a plan B. I don't even want to talk to him while he is seeing her.<P>My prayers are with you......

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I know how you feel. My W moved out 6 weeks ago and now she is moving into a new duplex, buying furniture etc. Another blow to me. I talked to Dr. Willard Harley on the radio today and he said to stick it out two years. That seems like an eternity. Sounds like you have somewhere to go. I do not have that option. I hope it works for you.<P>J W

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Thank You for all you encouragement, I feel bad that your stories are similar to mine because it only means that we all are hurting so much. Yes I do have a place to go , and I feel blessed that I have the opportunity to get away from all of this. I need my family right now and that's where I'm going. I'm planning to leave at the end of June , and you know what my husband said to me last week? He said, " Well I'm sure that I can come back anytime at least until the end of June, after that it's a risk"!!!!<BR>So you see he is pretty sure of himself ( of me I should say). That's why it's time to move on. And you know what? I have faith in my heart that he will come back eventually, but the real question is ? Will I want him back !!!<BR>Anne T

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Anne T,<P>So sorry to hear that things have come to this. I don't know your whole story and only you know what is best for you and your child right now. But you sound like a strong person and yes, he may wake up but by then it could very possibly be too late. Because while he is somewhere in La La land trying to figure out what he wants you will be beginning the task of moving on, getting stronger and enjoying and discovering the wonders of being with your child that he is going to miss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Glad to know you have a family to support you during this difficult time. Be strong and best of luck to you.

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Dear Anne,<BR>It takes a lot of courage to take a step like the one you are about to make.I really admire you for doing something I still feel I do not have the strength to go through.<BR>Yet just ask yourself ,wouldn't your husband <BR>apprciate the fact that you were able to stand by him despite his unfaithfulness,despite his appalling behaviour,despite his constant hurting you.That you were able to withstand all the mayhem and craziness and still be there for him?<P>Maybe it is asking too much of us as betrayed spouses(Who gives the givers?) but think of the additional power you gain as proving to him that you are able to weather this storm instead of fleeing because the conditions got too rough...<P>I guess I am an advocate of the stay a little longer school.I know the appeal of leaving him to burn in his hell is all too strong,,,But try and resist because although he is selfish enough only to think of his own needs and desires right now,prove to him you are not as selfish to put your individual pride and pain above the greater <BR>more important notion,your family as a whole, and that includes you,your son and your husband.By leaving are you considering the interest of your family or are you only thinking of your own self?Of your pain and sorrow and burnt pride and self esteem?<P>I know all this is confusing and depressing,God bless you

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To nibelqad,<P>I understand what you're thinking and trying to tell me, But you have no idea what I've done for him since D-Day. I've wrote him love letters that made him cry, I've told , I've showed , I've told him I would always love, that I would wait for him, there's nothing else I could do or say within losing my dignity, and that I will not allow, and I Think no I know for sure that he would loose a lot of respect for him. I know that one day he will say " Hey! I cant get her anymore, and that will be the day that he will want me. Do you understand, I'm not giving up , but I have to move on.<BR>Thanks, <BR>AnneT

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to Jim,<BR>Regarding your question about doing Plan B part of my going away.<BR>Well I have been trying to do plan B for the last 4-5 weeks but it's very hard because of several reason. We're in contact because of our son, scool, sports, our finance, the sell of our house and on and on!. I still have 3 months before I go and I plan do to Plan B until my departure. Once I'm gone, I really wish that if we cant be together as husband and wife, then we should be friends for our sake and mostly our son sake. I hope that my thinking is right, I'm pretty confidant that it is, and in some way that it makes sense.<BR>Anne T

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You need to do Plan A before you do anything else. Sure it's difficult. It's only been 10 weeks (I know it seems like forever) since you found out and you have been in a sort of Plan B for half of that.<P>Have you learned to eliminate ALL lovebusters ? Have you shown your H that you are someone he would want to be with?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have tried everything and there is no use, it's not working<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You haven't tried time. You are just now probably starting to feel less traumatized from all of this.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

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To Chris, <BR>I understand " Relationship", but I need a husband to do it with , He's move out in his own place, buying new furniture and what not, and having the time of his life w/ OW who is spending the night there almost every night. I dont want do be taken for a fool either!!!<BR>I have to get the message, right now he does not want me.<BR>Anne T

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Do you want him to get the message or do you want the marriage?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I dont want do be taken for a fool either!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Is this more important than saving your marriage? This is how you are (quite naturally) acting.<P>STOP! WAIT! BREATHE!<P>Have you read the book "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley? If not, get it now & do not react based on your emotions.<P>I am not trying to be rough on you (this is how it may seem) I am trying to get you to understand the best way to save your marriage & your sanity through all of this.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

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To Chris, <P>I must say that I dont understand and I'm disturb by what you're saying. You are confusing me! I did read "Surviving an affair". And it gave me a great understanding of what "Affair" are all about and it gave a great deal of hope. But it's not happening! The problem is that my husband does not give me one onze of hope.<BR>What do you suggest I do ( in a practical way and I will listen). There's nothing more I want on this earth then to save my marriage and to have my husband back and my life back. Why do you say that I'm acting like a fool for wanting to move on with my life. He told me himself , that he wants me to move with my live, so you think that I should still wait on the fence for him to come to me. Please Let me know what you think ?<BR>Anne T

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I didn't say you are acting like a fool. You aren't. You are reacting to a tense & [b[]almost[/b] unbearable situation. Believe me, I have heard everything your husband told you & more!<P>First off, most affairs will die within 6 months of dicovery. You only discovered it 2 1/2 months ago so it takes time. Listen to what he says, but do not live/die by his words. He is in an affair and will say things which he may/may not truly believe.<P>What you need to do is<BR>1. Stop all love busters!<BR>2. Look at what you may have contributed to the relationship going sour and how you can fill his needs better.<BR>3. Do not try to educate him on how to improve/repair your marriage. Just show him you are working on improving yourself & understanding how to have a better relationship.<P>He says he wants you to move on with your life so he will have much less guilt. After all, he will say you gave up! Okay, so it's convoluted but it gets said almost all the time by the betrayer.<P>I would highly suggest you schedule an appt with Steve Harley (1-888-639-1639). Write down any questions you may have and write an outline of what has happened over the last year or two with your marriage. This will help you to get the story out and allow Steve to come up with a plan to help you. After all, you don't want to just ramble for an hour with him. It's much cheaper to do that here. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] He can give you a very clear path of what you can expect and what you can do to minimize conflict & help you to learn to help yourself through this.<P>If you don't know my story, my Wife has been gone for the last 14 months (boo hoo) and hasn't seen our daughters since May of last year so believe me, I totally sympathize with you & know what you are going through. And you will make it through this okay.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited April 11, 2000).]


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