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Joined: Nov 1999
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Seems like a long time since I have posted I know. I have been trying to deal with much and computer was down and since, I have been reading other posts to gain some insight.<P>He revealed to me last night that the main reason he feels he cheated is because he hated me so much for not standing up for him concerning a family situtation that happened a long time ago in our marriage. To him he felt betrayed because I didn't go and chew another family member out for causing him to suffer from lies she told to other family members about him. I did straighten others out during this time but because I didn't go and verbally bash this family member in his presence he felt I wasn't standing up for him. Even though he forgets it was he who caused this person to react the way they did.<BR>I am not saying what they did in retaliation was right at all, but what it boils down to is he said something that hurt this person and in reaction she tried to hurt him. Now,<BR>because of it I suffered. I don't know if this is making any sense here but what I have discovered and been told by H is, because he felt I hurt him by not doing what he thought I should he retaliated and allowed himself to have sex with someone as a way to inflict hurt on me. . . and he did. <P>Is this someone who truly loves you when they do something like this? There have been many times in this marriage when he didn't stand up for me but Never had anything like hurting him back in such a way cross my mind. And I didn't choose to chew this woman out to make him hurt. She was pregnant at the time and by doing this war would have begun in this family that would have taken a very long time to end it ever. When your dealing with family you always have to find ways to deal with the crap and get along, at least it is best to do. But H has never had much of a family and doesn't understand how to be in one, nor does he seem willing to be much of a part despite my families efforts to show him they care and love him. In his mind if someone does something to you that is wrong you write them off. How does he apply that to us I wonder.<BR>He still hates this person he feels done him an injustice and resents me for not defending him like he wanted me to. So he hurts me in such a way that I have to wonder just how much could this man possibly love me. Giving yourself intimately to someone is completely different from a family situation that got out of hand. But I guess he is trying to justify his cheating by saying I hurt him so badly for not being as hateful toward someone as he wanted me to be for his sake. <P>Now, I am feeling like if I don't do what he thinks I should in the future when something goes wrong and come to his defense in the way he thinks I should he will retaliate and seek revenge on me in the most hurtful of ways by doing this again(i.e. cheat).<P>Does make me wonder if this is worth saving.<BR>I am suffering because he can't forgive and wanted to punish me for something I didn't cause in the first place. Where in the world does that leave me?

Joined: Jul 1999
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It sounds like the guilty party trying to pass the blame onto someone else. That is what betayers usually do 9 times out of 10. The betrayer blames the spouse and makes the spouse feel 100% to blame for having an affair. It's a way to ease their own guilty conscience.

Joined: Feb 2000
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I agree with Trying2...he is using the past to justify hurting you in the present. So is my H as a matter of fact. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving, but you ARE NOT responsible for his choices. Also, this getting even and telling people off seems very dysfunctional and childish. I know I wouldn't want to participate in it. Your H chose to have an affair. I doubt the past situation made any difference in whether or not he had an affair. Don't let him convince you that you did or did not do something, therefore he had an affair. What nonsense. My H is trying to use a terrible depression I went through almost 10 years ago to justify his affair. It doesn't seem to matter that I got therapy and started on anti-deps which stablelized me. It seems to make no difference at all to my H that the last 5 years of our marriage have been the best. We have had more fun and more in common in the last 5 years than ever before. But, of course, his "fog" of the affair is talking. Too bad for him I'm no longer willing to buy it or wait it out. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

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Dev,<P>Hi...saw your post. What can I say? Sounds like my own situation - H in the retaliation mode.<P>My thoughts would be this...is he willing to dig via counseling into his own actions - needing to hurt you and to "get you back" by having an affair? If your H can get to the root of his feelings and how he inappropriately expressed those feelings (the affair), then there might be a good chance that he would not do this again. But, if he is unwilling to get therapy and counselling to understand his inappropriate behavior, then I would agree that he might well fall into a pattern (infidelity) that would be unacceptable to you.<P>Ask yourself how willing and sincere his efforts are to understand himself and his actions, and then to change.<P>Thinking of you, friend....Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

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Trying2_4give,<P>Thanks for your reply to me. But I do think this is what motivated him to lash out and have an affair. Excuse or not. He FEELS what I didn't do for him created his reckless behavior. But I still feel when it comes to this kind of betrayal there are no excuses.<P>Keridwen7,<P>I agree with you about getting back at someone is very dysfunctional and childish. Unfortunately, my H is of the opinion that if someone does wrong to you, you get even. Sad, I know. And I don't honestly know where I am at this point in saving the marriage. And thank you for your response to me. Also, glad to here you got help and are doing better, sounds like you are considering now you are no longer going to take the crap your H dishes to you on a silver platter.<P>Roll Me Away,<P>Hey! Long time friend. Unfortuantely H is not willing to get counseling and refuses to look at himself to really get to the root of his problems. And I do fear as long as he is in this kind of wrongthink condition he will do this to me again. What is really sad and kills me inside is that he harbor and keeps close his hatred toward sister-in-law more than he love me. Says he wants this marriage. Why? He wants to relish in his hatred toward her more than work through this whole issue that we have between us. And he still harbors much resentment as he now wants to state it instead of his original statement of hating me, for not standing up for him. He wants me to get over what he did but he cannot get over what he views I did to him. Does this make any sense whatsoever? Am I wrong for feeling what HE did to me is much much worse than anything he thinks I did to him!

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Dev,<P>Yes, I understood what you were trying to say, and it is very sad and destructive. Too bad that he willnot seek help. I do agree that his refusal to get help will mean that he is more prone to be unfaithful again.<P>Do remember, Dev, that everytime he can push the guilt and responsibility for the affair on you, he will do so. You have done some part in the breakdown of the marriage - we all have contributed in some way to the breakdown of our marriages. Yet, no matter what part we contributed, there is NEVER an excuse good enough for our spouse to have cheated on us. If they were so miserable, they should have packed their bags and left in an honorable manner. And, in any case, no matter if he is mad and harboring resentments about the long ago incident with the SIL, he and he alone is responsible for his actions. The affair is his responsiblity alone. The deteriorated relationship belongs to you both, but the responsibility for the affair belongs to your H alone. Don't let him foist this responsibility to you....it is NOT yours.<P>I think of you and allmy friends here daily, Dev. I wish that when I peek here every now and then that I could see more success than I do see. Well, I certainly rejoice in the successes and I keep coming back to check on you all. I feel you are all a part of my life and I can't help but be concerned for you.<P>Take care, friend. Wishing you better times,<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>


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