Just curious. Want to know what you-all think. How true is the adage, "Once a cheater, always a cheater?" Why do people say that?

I WAS a betrayer, and I say ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<BR>WAY am I going to EVER EVER EVER, I REPEAT, EVER going to cheat again.<BR>Once a cheater, always a cheater does not apply to me, I will never allow myself to be in the position where an affair could happen.<P>I refuse to put myself there again, I refuse to put my spouse thru this hell again, I refuse to ever choose this path again.<P>QoF<P><p>[This message has been edited by QueenofFools (edited April 11, 2000).]

pilgrim,<P>I don't have an answer but I too would like to know why this is said and if there is any merit to this.

I know I don't believe this, but I also have said it before. My husband's affair just doesn't happen to be his only one, I'm finding out. I almost don't want to know any more because my heart breaks with each new piece of information.<P>I can say, that when we were very young, I was as wild as anyone could be and was not faithful to him when we were "going out", but as soon as I said the "I DO" that was it, he was my only love and I was completely faithful. So in that way I also believe that once a cheater doesn't always make you a cheater.<P>I think it's just one of those nonsense things people say that just feels good to say when you've been made a fool of by someone you trusted.

Let me try this one out <P>I say yes and NO. I say yes for the simple reasons of, ONCE YOU DO IT IT IS EASIER TO DO IT AGAIN. IF what you have done is not resolved. It is definelty easier to let your guard down.<P>I say NO also because anyone with half a brain wouldn't want to visit the land of OM HELL again!<P>I would never again want to put my S through what I have, again. <P>The pain is so tremendous. I know that no man could ever love me for who I am other than God and my H. NO one. Certainly not a fantasy man.(such as affair men)<P>For me, NO i won't ever do it again. But for many it isn't the first and it won't be the last.<P>There is my $.02 worth for the night!<P>Mercy

Hi<P>In my case, NO! I will never again put myself or my marriage through that kind of torture.<P>I have my guard up...I'm overly cautious now. When I'm feeling vulnerable or lonely, I call my mom. I pray. I read my Bible. I call my best friend. I post here. I call my husband at work and tell him that I love him.<P>I know now that the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. At first, I thought that the OM was a prince...my soulmate. Now, I see that he was an ugly toad waiting to pounce on my vulnerability. My heart, my marriage...my very life was endangered because I allowed myself to fall into the trap of adultery.<P>The choice that I made to have an affair nearly destroyed me. Throughout the last year, I have been allowing God to change me and to heal me.<P>Sorry to ramble. The answer to your question, in my humble opinion is, NO. Once a person cheats does not necessarily mean that they will continue in that pattern.<P>Hope this helped in some small way...<P>Jill<P>

I guess I'll try to add my two cents worth too. I think it depends on the person who cheats. Everyone is vulnerable to an affair, but some learn from the mistake and some don't.<P>My stbx fits the latter. He is a cheater and always has been and probably always will be. I believe he grew up learning that it was OK to cheat as his father did it quite often to his mother. Now, thats not to say he is not capable of change but he chooses not to. <P>On the other hand, I think there are many people who regret their mistake and will spend the rest of their lives trying to prevent it from happening again.

I guess it depends on the person, but my answer would be NO! Though there are personality types that would lend truth to this, for many betraying spouses, it's a one time thing.<P>Lori

My W cheats when she wants out of a relationship. She did it to her boyfriends in high school, her first H and me.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I know in my case I would never put anyone through the pain I have dished out as well as the pain I feel as I right this. My "soulmate" affair was too emotionally deep for me to consider such a thing again. I have a long, long way to go to personally recover. My W and I are probably months away from living in the same house, if at all, and if that happens, our recovery will take a year or more. I think the saying may be derived from "one night stands", because they lack the fullfilment of the EN's found in Soulmate affairs. If I ever get the opportunity to return to my family, I know we will talk about unmet needs when they arise. This situation will not happen again.

It is comforting and gratifying to see the many "no, it ain't so!" responses from the board. It means that people can learn from their mistakes and consciously choose to move on to more responsible lives.<BR>I asked the question because I cannot bear the thought of my wife cheating on me ever again. I cringe at the idea that I might be almost destined to always deal with a fatal flaw of character by repeating my own sordid performance. I am sure there may be temptations in the future, but I have learned that it is through neglect of my wife's needs that contributed greatly to the destruction of our marriage. Our marriage is over. Dead. We face the challenge of building a new marriage upon the ruins. We have to start all over with each other.<BR>I have found encouragement in Rabbi Shumley Boteach's books, "Kosher Sex" and "Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments".<BR>Any other responses would be appreciated.<BR>Blessings.<BR>Pilgrim <p>[This message has been edited by pilgrim (edited April 12, 2000).]

Hey Pilgrim,<P>As far as I am concerned I will yell out a resounding NO!.<P>I cheated on my first W and will never, repeat never ever do that again. I not only hurt my W, but, my two children as well as my self respect. I couldn't believe I did it. What an idiot! Took the path of least resistance.<P>My second W, Val, had repeated that phrase to me many times. Look who is cheating now! I had oportunity. I will not deny that. Our marriage was terrible. We didn't know what to do. I didn't know of this site. It would have helped greatly. I just couldn't enter into another affair and that to her or myself again. Now, I don't know which is worse. Both hurt like the dickens. The betrayed feel it immediately upon discovery. The betrayer later on and forever. [at least for me]<P>I believe that the phrase is too great of a generalization and it truly depends upon the individual. Such as serial betrayers.<P>JMHO<P>The Zipman

That is not an absolute....sure, some people are just cheaters by nature, but I believe that many more learn from their mistake and won't ever let themselves do such a stupid thing again.<P>I highly recommend the books Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Making Love Last Forever by Gary Smalley.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

Pilgrim,<P>Thank you so much for starting this thread. I was going to post something on that very same phrase.<P>I DO NOT believe once a cheater always a cheater. <P>If the sole purpose of cheating was for that persons own sexual fulfillment....then, yes, I would venture to say once a cheater always a cheater-until that person resolves their sexual issues.<P>But as for myself, since D-day my husband and I have been working to save our marriage. We have been learning to meet each others needs. And because unmet needs were the root of my affair, I think once we learn to truly meet all of each others needs the word "affair" will have no place in my household again. That is except in the past tense if and when we discuss a time when we lost touch with each other.<P>

Pilgrim,<BR>you asked why it is said once a cheater always a cheater, will it is said of anything once a liar always a liar, once a thief always a thief. I think that is based on the assumption that people don't want to change. If we could not change then this would be true, if we could not learn from our mistakes then this would be true.<P>But God made us special we can change he gave us that ability. If this was not true then he would not have sent his Son to us. If this weren't true he would not have given us a chance to change by accepting Christ.<P>The foundation that your marriage was base on is still there. You both have made mistakes and hopefully learned from them. Now is the time to let go of those mistakes and move on. I don't really think you have to start over because as I said the foundation is still there. You loved each other very much, you married, had a child this is your foundation. Some where you both strayed from this foundation now it is time to build on this foundation a loving relationship. The fact that you both are still to gether and want to remain together means alot. Now you need to start the had work. But do not dwell on the past mistakes, now is the time to move on.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

"Once a cheater, always a cheater?"<P>As a betrayed spouse trying to save a relationship, all I can say is that I hope and pray that is not true!<P>I'm sure it depends on the person, but I believe anyone can change if they are motivated enough to do so. Unfortunately, that motivation has to come from within.<P>Peppermint

I think that cheaters who have truly faced their behavior, and learned from it may actually be less likely than the general population to cheat again. We are all very acquainted with the seemingly insignificant steps that got us into this situation the first time and can stay far, far away.<P>I never cheated on anyone before I did it to my second H. He divorced me about a year ago, and I've made a commitment to celibacy now. It is funny. The things I've learned about avoiding intimate situations with men I'm now applying in my daily life, even though I have no need to do this after my divorce. so far, so good.