Where am I? My husband says he has cut off contact with OW but we all end up in the same church on Sunday, where we have to say "hello". It's driving me nuts to see her shaking his hand. He won't do anything to help our marriage, so I am working on Plan A and Love Busters. My counsellor says it isn't over between them since there is this casual contact. What do you think?

Can you say rock and hard place? The MB Principles state NO CONTACT. Being that you see her at church brings up a difficult position.<P>Some would say that you should change churches, whatever it takes to get away from this person. If your husband is truly remorseful then he should not object.<P>Then their are those that feel that because this person is seen at church that you should be forgiving as Jesus is forgiving. There will be no hatred or resentment in heaven.<P>It is natural to not want to be around someone after what you have experienced. Perhaps you like your church though and do not wish to change. Your husband needs to understand that for your marriage to work then he must help. Just because you go to the same church does not mean that you must speak to this person. Does this sound like a grudge or unforgiving? Sure. But that is why we go to church, not because we are perfect, but because we are trying to become more Christ like.<P>Perhaps through time and more services you, (and I), will find a way to forgive. Until then ask your husband to try and be understanding about the contact.<P>Good Luck and God Bless<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Welcome <B>amialone</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>I'd have to agree with Paul...<P>If you'd like your H to have even less contact... see if he will agree to writing a "How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter(on page 58-59 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)".<P>Being honest with you spouse is important...<BR>...though sometimes hard when the WS doesn't see the impact on the FS.<P>Jim

Thanks, I guess I owe more of an explanation. Although not sexual yet, the affair was affectionate and secretive. They both admitted to the opportunity and knowing it was "wrong." The complicating factor is that my husband is the pastor. The affair lasted 9 months before d day, and it has been 4 months since. Within a month we had ordered HNHN from CBD but could tell he was too withdrawn for that to work. He says I have not been meeting his needs for years and he has had enough. This goes back to episodes after 5 and 10 years of a 21 year marriage. I don't want anyone else. He claims he doesn't need anyone, not me, not her. I tried to get counselling thru our church a month ago, but they were booked. Thankfully, I found a Christian counsellor who could see me immediately, who is familiar with the books and suggested I read SAA. So, I came here, ordered it and LB and need all the prayer I can get with self-control and learning new habits. He says "we'll see about the changing habits." I hope, but I know the road will be hard. God can reach him, but the decision to reconcile is his. I pray that this experience will improve his marriage counselling skills in the future (talk about long-term plans!)<BR> Thanks for being here. We need an icon for crying.<P>The ironic part is that he is preaching a series on grace and forgiveness while I feel none of it from him. I understand that I have caused him much pain and he needs to heal. Waiting is hard.<BR>

--------------------------------------------<BR>He says "we'll see about the changing habits." I hope, but I know the road will be hard. God can reach him, but the decision to reconcile is his. I pray that this experience will improve his marriage counselling skills in the future (talk about long-term plans!)<BR>--------------------------------------------<P>M't:7:1: Judge not, that ye be not judged.<BR>M't:7:2: For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.<BR>M't:7:3: And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?<BR>M't:7:4: Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?<BR>M't:7:5: Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.<P><BR>I guess my question comes from him being a pastor and this happening...I guess it goes to show that this can happen to anyone and the need for diligence and prayer. <P>Keep us up to date...<P>Good Luck and God Bless<BR><P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Amialone,<P>First and foremost, no you are definately not alone here. <P>Second, welcome? I hate saying that in situations like this, but you are welcome here to vent, post, ask advice, email, whatever you need to feel better.<P>Third, as to what happened the other night with Cat and I, lets just say we're getting divorced. NOT because of the party, but because she is in love with OM and that is that, for now. <P>Personal experience says limit contact to none if possible. Especially in your presence. It hurts, I know it does. But if you are strong enough you can get through it. I could, I just couldn't convince Cat. <P>Good luck, we're here to help, even if we can't save our own marriages. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Thanks for being here for me. Anyone know why my Husband likes to climax me but not himself, other than he keeps on saying he has no feelings for me. I let myself go for him and he holds back from me. What's the deal. The books don't talk about this aspect of plan A. Otherwise a quiet day, except that asking him about it may have been a LB or he saw OW since he was withdrawn and on a short fuse today.