So many new faces, so many old stories...<P>Anyhoo, for those who don't know me, I've been here since 30 Dec 98 . My wife had an affair and has been gone since17 Feb 99. We have 2 daughters, 9 & 14. She hasn't seen them since May 99. She is living/working with om all over the east coast (mostly).<P>So, we went on vacation to Florida in March. Stopped by wankboys parents house to visit her. The girls didn't want to see her or talk to her. They stayed at my Uncles house abpout 40 miles away. My wife wasn't there.<P>She called after we got back from vacation and we finally talked (first time since 2 Dec). I told her everything that has been going on with the kids.<P>They didn't want her presents from Christmas because she put his name on them & we gave them to the childrens ward at the hospital, they haven't wanted to call or write to her since she has been gone, the youngest was smoking & starting fires in the back yard, the oldest went from a 3.85 GPA to a 1.25 GPA in 4 easy months, she needs to file her taxes as married/separate & she MUST itemize. Blah, blah, blah. Everything which she has not been privvy to since she has not spoken to me.<P>Well, my youngest was not there when she called. She did call two nights later and the youngest was there. She did not want to speak to her. A few days later she received this card from Mom.<P>Dear Melissa,<P>I spoke to your Daddy the other night and he told me that you gave away almost all your Christmas presents to the Childrens Hospital. I'm glad you gave them to someone who may need them. I want to apologize for putting on someone elses name. I bought those with my love. Dad also said you sent your Hardrock Cafe bears to a friend. Do you think she will like them? Last night I called & asked to talk to you and you said you didn't want to. That made me so sad but I understand. I lay awake all night wondering if you would ever talk to me again. I know I've hurt you so much and I'm very sorry for it. No matter what I'll keep on loving you and I will hope that one day soon you will want to talk to me again. I'm missing out on your growing up. I know you may think that I don't care because I left, but I do. Sometimes my heart aches so much that I feel it will break. I'm sure you've had the same feeling. I've cried myself to sleep at night - have you? I'm glad you have your Daddy because I've always said he is The Best Father. He knows how to make rules and not bend, he knows how to love you and he's always taken his responsibility as a father since the day you were born. I wish I could have been as good a mother to you. It seems that because I hid my smoking from you that I was always trying to get out alone for a quick puff. Boy smoking is the worst. I'm glad your Dad quit. I'll try to call again tonight and tomorrow & the next day hoping that you will soon talk to me.<BR>Love Mom.<P>Of course she tried to call every other day for the first 4 days. Wow! Then it was back to the same old, "I'll call back in an hour" or "I'll call tomorrow." She never does. It ends up being a few days later.<P>Well I could stick a few comments in there but why bother? At least it looks as if she is having at least an inkling of what she is doing to the kids at least. Is it having an affect on her as far as us? Don't know and I don't know if I really care at this point. I would like to believe I do. My goal is to wait until Christmas & then divorce her. It looks as if it is headed that way.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

HI Chris,<BR> How was the Vacation BTW? Highlights? <BR> Seems to me that it can't be bad her admiring your "Parental" commitment and skills!! She's GOT to appreciate what you've done for the kids while she's in LA LA land.<P> She's digging a DEEPER and DEEPER hole for herself. She may have to really hit bottom before she does anything about this.<BR> You, of course will have to be there to help her pick up the pieces.<BR> As I see it she's traveling about a hundred miles an hour STRAIGHT for a brick wall with no brakes. She's about 100 yards away by my estimation. Won't be long now.<BR> <P> I agree, sounds like she FINALLY at least SEES the wall!! <BR> Any birthdays or other significant dates coming up?<BR> GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Chris - glad to hear from you.<P>And REALLY glad you had that talk with her...I know it wasn't something you were looking forward to.<P>All in all, not a bad start. For what, well, I'm not sure, but I just feel for something!<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

Hey Chris!<P> Haven't spoke to you in a while. Good to hear from you. I hope your vacation went well. Been a long time since I've been to Florida. <P> Conrcerning your daughters. When we look at what happens to our children in these situations, do you ever look at them and wonder at what point pursuit of the marriage becomes detrimental to them? Of course I'm not saying this is your case, please don't think I am. But I remember during "my time" looking at them and thinking 'Paul, you need to move on, while you may not like it, you are killing your kids' Of course I didn't move on and I'm glad I didn't.<P>My point is, at what point does a person need to just suck it up and go for the kids instead of for themselves?<P>I put this in your post Chris because you've been here quite a while and have stuck with a modified Plan A longer than anyone I know. I realize that you are not to the point yet, and Lord willing you may never be. But what, if any, will be the turning point. When will enough be enough.<P>Do we wait until God tells us, or do we take it upon ourselves. And if we do take it upon ourselves are we possibly interfering or hampering God's work? I am of the opinion that all things come from God and no matter what if I serve Him in the end things will work out. Maybe not the way I want them, but certainly the way God wants them and it will be be the best thing for me, like it or not! <P>Chris, keep us updated on what's going on there brother. I hope I didn't say anything too negative or didn't come across that way.<P>Good Luck and God Bless

Chris,<BR>I'm jealous...vacations, what are they?<P>I'm glad you have finally gotten to talk to her.<P>The children sound like they are not doing so well and that is what is so bad. I feel so very sorry for them. My girls grades have gone down considerably. They have trouble concentrating. I am frustrated because it is blamed on "me" and not the situation or their father. Our girls don't want to talk or be with their dad....but they have to. He has visitation rights and they are basically forced to withstand the emotional abuse when he calls or comes get them. I feel like I am pushing them into the jaws of a shark. And I cringe when they come home.....because when they tell me what he did....it sends shivers down my spine.<P>I am not sure how I feel about the letter she sent. She was so kind in her words about you. My stbx was that way at first. But if she really means those words she would be calling and keeping in contact. It is easy to say something....but harder to do. If she is really "crying herself to sleep" where is she? Does she really care if your daughter is crying herself to sleep?<P>Sorry I have been through this.....big talk...no action. I just pains me to no end to see these children hurt by such cruel and selfish acts.<P>You are a wonderful dad......and I mean it. You have gave them what every child needs. LOVE<P>Nancy

Frank,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You, of course will have to be there to help her pick up the pieces.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Will I be there though?<P>Lori, We talked 3 times that week. I felt pretty good after that. Still don't know what I want at this point though.<P>Paul, Good to hear from you. I know my goal is to wait until Christmas. You won't offend me with anything you might say. It's my life & it is mapped out as far as I have control. I'm in the drivers seat but I will listen to others concerning anything which may be of help.<P>Nancy, The kids are actually doing very well. It may seem from my posts as if they are crash & burning but they aren't. We have plenty of talks about what is going on, what I am trying to do and why and what should be done in relationships. They are not in the dark one iota as to what is going on or what should be done. My youngest is actually going for her PhD in relationship counseling soon! I'm doing my best to keep it from affecting them in the future (or right now for that matter!)<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Chris,<BR>Did you tell your W you still love her and would like for her to come home?<P>Her letter reads like a cry for help to me. And reminds me of things Guard has said. Even though we've always had a lot of contact when separated, he did get to a point where he says he felt he was a terrible father in addition to what he did to our marriage and he didn't feel he could ever come home. (I don't know if he's reading my posts anymore, but they make him angry, so I don't want to put anymore words in his mouth).<P>I think there is a crack in her armour right now. Is there anyway to send a flaming arrow of love right into it...you or the kids or all of you?<P>I know you are very hampered by lack of contact & communication and I don't want to add to your frustration.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Chris:<P>I feel for ya, man... That letter was one of the saddest things I have ever read. Not sad heartbreaking, but sad pathetic. The denial in this is incredible... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Last night I called & asked to talk to you and you said you didn't want to. That made me so sad but I understand.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well, duh! Maybe if she had written the next line as... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I lay awake all night<I> in the arms of the man who is more important to me than you, your sister, and your father put together</I> wondering if you would ever talk to me again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> she might actually understand. But I doubt it. Sorry, Chris, but you know me... no sugarcoating. I could have gone through that entire letter reading between the lines, but I’m sure you have dozens of times already. I did find one possible hint of why she might have left, though... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> He knows how to make rules and not bend...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Perhaps she also sees that you were inflexible with <B>her?</B> I’m not saying you were of course, but her perceptions are all that count in this.<P>I don’t see the “chink in the armor,” but even if it’s there, I don’t think you should go in search of opening it. I just worry that she’ll come back, and you’ll be going through this all over again in a couple years. I’m sure it’s something you worry about as well... do you really want to spend the rest of your life looking over her shoulder?<P>Whatever <B>you</B> want is what is important, though... but it sounds like even you don’t know. You will wait until Christmas, though... I just know it, even were your mind made up tomorrow. You the ROCK! Myself... I think she should be dragged through a pile of broken glass... repeatedly. But she’ll do it to herself in the future, as her daughters continue to have nothing to do with her, and eventually her grandchildren as well. She really has no clue of the hurt she is causing those kids.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<P><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited April 25, 2000).]

Chris,<P>I Really think that you need to move on with your live for you and your children.<BR>You are allowed to be happy again , to live again, to love again. Someone is out there waiting to love you . Dont waste more time , you've wasted enough. She obviously dont want a relationship with you anymore. Would you really take her back? After all the hurt , could you really respect her after she did, abondoned her kids and her husband for so long, that would take a lot of forgiveness. You seem to be a great person, and a strong person, you have to move on. Life is to short.<BR>Good luck Chris.<BR>Anne T

Chris,<BR> I have followed your story for a long time (I used to post on another name...long story) and I really feel for you. You are one of the strongest people I have ever seen, and I strive to attain the strength you seem to have (even though I'm sure there are days that you feel like you don't). Keep up the faith...however this turns out, you will have done everything that you could.<BR> Your w will truly regret losing you one of these days. Prayers for you and your children!<P>Arrow

Hi Chris -<P>Thanks for the update....<P>How did Melissa react to this? Nothing sent to Michelle? <P>As far as you....I agree with Lor. This communication is starting up for a reason. Take advantage of it....one way or another!!!<P>What is that saying...when God closes a door - He opens a window.....<P>I don't think God shut the door yet - so if you open the window (move on) without it shut.....you (and the girls) will get sucked back in through that open door at some point in the future.<P>Either wait for it to be shut by Him, follow up with what He shows to you or shut it yourself!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Lor, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Did you tell your W you still love her and would like for her to come home?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Kapow! When I read that line you don't know how hard it hit me.<P>Yes I did tell her I Love Her. "Okay" was the reply. Very much expected.<P>But as far as telling her I would like her to come home?!?! I did tell her last June and I have written to her, "I'm waiting for you." I guess I don't want to get shot down?<P>Definitely something to think about though.<P>Whodat, Yes I have filled in between the lines all the things I would like to add. No I haven't told them to her. As far as me being inflexible, she may see it that way. I don't believe it's true, but I didn't buy Coke either, did I? LOL<P>As far as what's important to mne, you're right in that I'm not sure of what I want. I guess it's like, could I ever trust her again? Do I want to try & trust her again if she does return? I'm dealing with these thoughts everyday.<P>Anne, We're doing alright. We are not gonna move on until we are ready. If there is still resentment, anger, fear, etc in the relationship, then you are not ready to move on.<P>Thanks Arrow. (is it half full?) You?<P>Sheba, Melissa had nothing to say except, "oh." Nothing to Michele (as far as I know).<P>You know where I'm at with all this. I'm waiting and I won't pick my option until I'm ready.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hey Chris,<P>Not much to say, but everything must not be too rosy. <P>I honestly don't know how she can stay away from her kids so long.<P>Now it must be easier to stay away than pay the consequences.<P>That may change.<P>Take care....<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I agree with the others comments that she's starting to come out of the fog. She is now aware of the pain she is causing and it's hurting her. Whether or when it reaches the point that she chooses to do something about it is another matter. Still, I believe the process has begun. It wasn't that long ago that she completely ignored you at that funeral and certainly wasn't interested in the pain felt by the kids.<P>I don't think you need to extend an open arms offer to her. Certainly, she knows from your behavior that you're more than willing to work out your issues. It's up to her to reach out to you. If she comes back, it needs to be because she really wants to. She needs to come back committed to make things work.<P>Chris, if I recall correctly you're committed to two years. It looks to me that it's entirely possible that she'll be approaching you within that time frame. I for one would love to see you be the one with the options and that winds up making the choice on what to do with the marriage. You certainly deserve it.

Yes I am committed 'till this Christmas (2 years) I hope things are getting crappy in wankboy land. I just really wish he'd beat the crap out of her. Not that he does, I don't have any idea.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don't think you need to extend an open arms offer to her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The letter was to my daughter, not me so I don't think she was directly letting me know squat.<P>I am going to send her another short letter, just letting her know what's going on with us in general. Also I'll tell her she can still call <B>me</B>if she wants, just to talk, just to yell, just to cry, whatever. It's what i put on the letter I wrote to her when she left.<P>I usually put something at the end such as, "I'm waiting". Steve H said not to be too specific that way if she wants, she can ask what I'm waiting for and we can go from there.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Chris, <P>Glad to hear you are doing OK. <P>That was some letter from your wife. God only knows what is going on in her mind. I still find it hard to believe that a mother can just up and leave her children with no contact as your wife did. There are some deep rooted problems with her, and thankfully you are the one providing the stable influence. <P>As time passes, the road your wife has chosen will slowly gnaw at her. The loss of her children, by her choice, will be an extremely heavy cross to bare. The memories she'll have missed will consume her. Your daughters will grow more resentful and detached. It's all so sad. <P>Thankfully, your wife used her last ounce of rational thought in deciding that your kids would be better off with you. Keep doing what your doing with them. It takes a strong man to raise kids alone and I have a great feeling you are just that man.<P>Best wishes to you Chris. <P>SHA<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited April 26, 2000).]