Hi people <P>After thinking about my own situation, and talking with many people in the same boat, I became quite curious.<P>Who was having either extremelly demanding or opposite work schedules before the affair happened?<P>Most people - including me, of course - at one point or other seem to have been trough this. Either one spouse working nights and the other days, or one spouse working many hours, or seven days a week, or any other combination that comes to about the same.<P>I know there is a connection somewhere - which only makes sense - but want to know who else went trough this.<P>Take care you all,<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi Kat -<P>Hey, I am actually on here at the same time you are!!!! That hasn't happened in a while!!!<P>How are you twin? How's the dog?<P>My situation was sorta work related (he says) in that I wasn't for a while.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi sheba, <BR>it's true, it hasn't happened for a while.<P>I've been kind of away. Going crazy with the school concert and other things.<P>Hugs<BR>Kat

On top of everything else that was going on, that was truly one of our problems. Robert was working 7 days a week and late at night and the only few minutes we had together we spent dealing with all the problems that were going on.<P>I do realize that part of his reason for working was to ESCAPE from the grief we were suffering (classic, huh? ), but he's also just that kind of person. Work happens and he takes on more and more until he's swamped. Cutting down on time together DEFINITELY took a toll on us!!!<P>Hi, Kat!!!!<P>Lori

Kat,<P> I agree that demanding work hours can cause problems in a marriage. My H was working 6-7 days a week, most holidays & long hours. This went on for 2 1/2 years. He had an EA with OP at the job. He saw her everyday & they had some intimate conversations. I think the fact that he saw her just about everday drew them closer. Happy to report he left that job almost a year ago & things between us have been much better. Day after day seeing a coworker-being on your best behavior with all the trials of home life left behind can bring 2 people close together. Just my humble opinion.<P>Keeping the faith,<P>Cassie

Me too, for the first 8 year of our marriage he worked nights and I worked days and we say each other at dinner every night. Then 2 years ago he swithched to swings, now we only see each other on his weekend or about i hour before work if I am not working, or not at all for several day. And OW? She works with him.

In the 5 months before, the lease to my bookstore was not renewed. We had to find a new storefront, make tons of decisions--of which I was the final say and sometimes bummed out Guard. Reorganizing 30,000 books took awhile, included me working long hours and evenings. The store is also my "dream job". I LIKE going to work. Guard works for the military...'nuff said? And his mother became ill and Guard was the one his father counted on. And I gained weight and dressed, shall we say, very comfortably--anyway, not in a way attractive to Guard. Guard suffers from depression. The OW works in his same complex, the pretty, party girl. A few bad decisions/choices, add it all up and 2 years later our lives are still a mess.<P>It's so sad. But I lost weight, I wear short skirts, I learned Plan A/MB principles, I choose Guard over work when I can. I wish I had a magic wand.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Count me in...we both had horrific travel schedules, plus my mom in cancer treatments and the school fundraiser (which I had agreed to help chair over a year ago, and felt I could not back out of).<P>kathi

I'm in too. My wife works the 12 hour, 2 days, 2 off, 3 nights 2 off, 2 days 3 off schedule and I work straight days. Sometimes went three days without more than 5 minutes together. PA is going on with someone on her shift.

ok....here goes my story......<P>From the very beginning of our marriage 18 plus years ago, my H and I have ALWAYS worked oppisate shifts. we were married in Sept and had our first child the following Sept... yes, on our first anniversay, I couldn't even sit close to the table..HA !<P>after that I returned to college and finished my degree... then oppisate shifts... then baby #2 came along and we kept up the oppisate shifts things again.. of course we thought we were doing what was best for the kids... no sitters etc... there were times we would drive and when we saw each other, we would pull over and switch the car seats from one car to another.. of course we were sleeping at different times etc.... There was a time when I was working ALOT of overtime.. so we would have extra money for our first home... <P>My H ten took a new job that has hime travel ALOT... he has had this job for 13 years now... all over the country he goes... of course I didn't travel with him as we live 1500 miles from the nearest relative.. it would have been a real bargain to travel with him, all I would have to do is pay for my ticket and have alittle extra spending cash... he always wanted me to go on the trips with him(remember now he was just pretending..ha) but setting up someone to watch the kids for 6 days or so and then me getting off from work and then paying for the ticket when you would think of what you wanted to buy for the jouse etc... we always decided to just"bag it"..."next time"... well ther never was a next time.. Sure we took the kids with us twice... thought it would be good for them and went to great places... But.... No time for my H and I alone.... Then we would say the "next time" thing... Never happen <P>I went back to school 2 years ago...part time to further my career... I was working full time evenings and going to school during the day... only one day together.. which was Sunday and of course I had to study.( I've always had to work hard for my grades) My job the past 4 years on evening shift was VERY stressful... the other people that do my job now say they respect me.. because they take the job home with them and there spouses can't understand why they are in a bad mood after work. I have since went on call... to be home more and get away from the stress !!(not that I don't have enough going on right now) So for 4 years straight, my H and I have lived almost separate lives... When the supervisiors at work would tell me they were going to move me to the day shift... I could hear the excitement in my H's voice... "that will be great... then we can golf, fish and do other things together".. now he states he was just pretending...I DON'T THINK SO... Remember I know this man...<P>So here I am... my H is involved with ow who lives abroad... oh she loves the same things he does... and they plan to do those things together...BLAH..BLAH BLAH<P>Now he states he always wanted me on oppisate shifts ... this same man when I went to work the night shift for several months... stated to me..."ya know..I've been thinking, I don't know if I'll be able to sleep without you here at night to cuddle/touch at night"... remember, he was only pretending....He thought night shift would be good cause we could do things in the evenings together and have dinner together... I was on 4..10 hours shifts... the fact is, night shift almost killed me... I couldn't sleep when I got home..constant headaches and my stomach hurt...so we made the decision that I would return to the evening shift.....<P>Any way..... here I sit ...s<P>

This problem played a BIG part in the demise of my marriage! H and I have always worked different shifts. He has always worked 8 hr days,with an hour commute each way. Throw lunch in there and he was gone 11 hours a day! In the beginning of our marriage I worked 12 hr nights 7p-7a,three nights a week. When the 2nd child was born (handicapped)I cut down to 2 nights a week.We now have3 kids.<P>We always thought this was an IDEAL schedule.Someone was always home with the children. When our handicapped child didn't make any progress in special ed we pulled him out and started an intensive home education program.I had to manage that at home during the week(along with the other 2 kids)and went to working 12 hour nights EVERY weekend,either Fri- Sat or Sat-Sun. That meant ,with the exception of a few hours on the weekend we didn't see each other. I was asleep or at work.I was always exhausted.H was overwhelmed,neither of us ever got a break of any proportion.We THOUGHT it was ok, a sacrifice we were making for the well being of our family. How wrong we were.H did not express his dissatisfaction with the arrangement and I was a martyer for my kids.H felt very displaced,but again did not want to risk appearing selfish. He did the ultimate in selfishness instead.<P>Now we are in recovery. I have not worked a day since D-day.What a wake up call we had!!I now (just recently,7 months post d-day) have a job on a contract basis that takes me away on travel 2-3 days at a time,but only when I can and want to go.I'd rather eat beans and weinies every day than go through THAT again!<P><p>[This message has been edited by mthrrhbard (edited May 03, 2000).]

Hi-<P>I am back for a little visit to MB and couldn't pass this thread up.<P>My H has always worked himself to death. His current job is rotating shifts We have been together for almost 12 years now and up until he revealed his affair he was working two jobs. I also was working a couple small jobs to try and contribute to our "dreams" along with taking care of animals, kids (they can be animals at times) and the house.<P>Still to this day I am shocked that he had an affair. I have yet to understand why. But I do know that there was no time for us at all. He and I basically exchanged a few words of importance and away we went again.<P>He has since quit his part time job in order to spend more time with the family. It has truly become a "good" thing. My daughter said one day "It seems like we are a happier family". <P>I will always cherish those words.<P>Hi to all of you that remember me and to all of you that don't know me yet I am trying to move on still--but they are baby steps!!<P><p>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited May 03, 2000).]

Hello again<BR>thanks for your answers.<P>Affairs rarely happen "just like that".And people don't usually grow apart if they are in touch and there for each other on a consistent basis. What I found was that in cases like ours ( which unfortunately are a reality for a big majority of people on this planet)our time together is so limited that when we have a chance to be there at the "same" time, there are so many urgent things that need to be discussed so what should be a pleasant enjoyable relaxing couple time, ends up being a listing of things that need to be :done, payed, fixed, returned, bought...., the crazy-silly things the kids did and how we had to cope with those alone ( broke the window, skipped school,ate brother's lunch, was in trouble at school...). And these are only the things that kind of show that we're still a family, sometimes we're so out of touch we have no idea what's the other person has been thinking or doing.<P>ANd then even the person that isn't going to have the affair sometimes stops and thinks:AM I really married? or Is this what marriage is? I used to have more fun with my spouse before we got married.<P>I know I did. I used to think all trough this 10 years, that I used to see my H more often while we were dating than after. <P>And with all these extra hours, or frequent trips comes the rest: there are people that spend more time with our spouses than we do.WIth the added bonus of not comming with a package of problems for them to solve.<P>That's the other thing I found. A big majority of affairs does happen in a work situation, either with coworkers, or work contacts, or just someone met in a place near work.<P>In any case , I didn't want to make any special point with this post - still don't - I was just curious about how many of us come from the same story line.<P>Lori, maybe soon you will follow our steps... rememeber 1 more night....... and then..........fredoom!!!!!!!!!! NO more night shift !<P>Cassie, yes it seems typical doesn't it? And the worst part is that sometimes, no matter how much we wish to change these schedules it is impossible to do so, for many reasons.<BR>But the good thing is that at some point there will be a chance, and taking it can help so much!<BR>I'm glad your H took that chance.<P>Lora, sometimes we think how cnan we compete with someone that is there all the time.<BR>But hey! it worked for me and for many others here. Keep you hopes high!<P>Lor, yep recognise the situation. The good news is , it's possible to straighten the mess up. It just takes time.<P>Cam, the added stress of health problems on us or immediate family is another form of the pattern. IN my case the health problem was with me . <P>Goober, it doesn't help much knowing that you're not the only one, but what might help is knowing that it can work. It is possible to still work things out even in a situation like ours.<P>scoick, of course he wasn't pretending!That's what we all want. It just feels like that now.<P>Sometimes I think that all the saving and trying to make that more extra, and ...it's just not important. These are things we want. And for wanting them we miss out on what's really important. <BR>Then again, if someone told us about it before, we would probably not pay much attention <P>And MB friends: I'm sure there's much more in the same circumstances. Let's here from you!<P>Hugs to all<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

For me, the ow's h was working a lot and asked my h to help out with anything his wife would need. I'm sure he didn't exactly mean where that went. Ow was my best friend, my h and her h were best friends. Never never ask your spouse to spend time with a person of the opposite sex and build any type of a need. It started out with coffee and then progressed. Ended with "love" and a kissing and hugging. Lasted a year and a half.

Kat,<BR> A few months before my W's affair,she got transferred to an afternoon shift.She didn't get home until around 10 PM.Since I get up at 5 AM,I was usually in bed.We really didn't see each other until the weekend.Before this,we had aways had dayshift together,and had the evenings to do things together,walks,bike rides,movies,etc.<BR> I've heard about other marriages breaking up because of opposite shifts,and I think this had a lot to do with ours.She was the only woman in the office at night,and the OM had more time to be with her than me.More time to convince her how unhappy her marriage was,and how he could treat her better.<BR> This all happening right after a major job change,and a different shift in all of our 22 years together is too much of a coincidence.I truly believe if she hadn't taken this job,we'd probably still be together. --Murphy

When we were first married, I quit my job and we worked together in our business. We were connected at the hip - sort of.<P>When my husband decided we should close our business (things took a dive in CA after the defense closings), he became depressed. I wasn't supportive. <P>He sought comfort and affirmation from his family in MN - where they encouraged him to leave. They saw our marriage as his problem. OW was a way to help him over his marriage, and his family encouraged this.<P>My husband left me in CA and moved to MN. I, with the help of God and many answered prayers - plan A's long distance. (1996).<P>We got back together, unbeknownst to me of an affair. It became evident that my husband had an affair after we got back together. His family was against our marriage, and did everything they could to encourage another break-up. <P>I was on my last prayer when the Lord led me to MB. <P>H finally disclosed in December 99. I am beginning to believe that he is feeling we have a future together. Talk about a long recovery!!!! <P>I think our time together when we worked 24-7 was okay, but the time apart (+ miles) and outside influences were devestating to our marriage. I also believe that there was a demonic plan to destroy our marriage. I believe the Lord has intervened, and my faith is much stronger than it was 4+ years ago.<P>I am not sure that we are in the recovery stage yet, because I am not sure if there is a commitment completely with my husband. I feel like I am unrealistic if I expect him to want to follow the Basic Concepts at this point, without a full commitment on his part. So, here I sit, at the "general questions". <P>