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Joined: Oct 1999
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Well I got home from work last night and my H wasn't home. Probably out drinking. I went to my Alanon meeting and got home around 9pm. Talked to a friend of mine and she told me that she saw my H's truck at one of the local bars in town. No I didn't go and find him. He came home around 9:30pm, drunk and on his "high horse" so to speak.<P>I felt talking to him in his shape wouldn't do any good so I said I was going to bed and asked him what time he wanted the alarm set. He told me not to bother he wouldn't be home he was leaving. My usual response would have been to beg him to stay not to leave where was he going etc. But I didn't. I said I am going to bed and please have your net worth statement filled out by the end of the week. I realized at that moment just how much I hated him when he was this way, drunk and playing God. He didn't respond and just walked out the door and I haven't seen him since.<P>Was it the alcohol talking? I can only guess where he went, the OW's. I wonder if she likes him when he is in that kind of shape. He is just self righteous and its his way or no way and he is slurring all his words and can't walk straight but lets leave and go out and drink more or have the OW stroke our ego. I worry every time he leaves that he will be in an accident or hurt someone else. But why did he leave? I couldn't ask because I know he wouldn't have told me anyway. He just said he had to go, like only his opinion matters. When he is ready to inflict more pain on me it is his decision and he can do what he wants when he wants and if I get hurt who cares.<P>I know I probably did the right thing by not saying much but it really hurts that he cares so little about our marriage anymore to just get drunk and all of the problems will go away. I wonder if the OW made him feel good about what he had done. Does it really matter? No my H is an alcoholic who can't take any responsibility for himself or his actions and I am paying the high emotional cost of the disease. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again to this awful life.

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bc,<P>(((((HUGS))))) to you! You did the right thing by not fighting and begging. I know it doesn't seem like it right now though. But anything you say to him when he is drunk, is not going to mean anything to him. <P>You are doing good. Alot better than I was at that time. Just remember we are all here for you. Being here helped me to realize that I didn't need to be in my marriage.<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi<P>

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Mitzi,<P>Thanks. I just feel so empty all of a sudden even though when I think about the last nine months, my H hasn't been there either so what is the difference. I do worry about him but like they say I can't change his behavior and i can't control him. Maybe by not reacting the way he thought I would will make a dent in his fogged, drunken mind but I somehow doubt it. I am sure the OW was putting the feather in her cap for having him come to her and complain or whatever but does she really want a man like this. Do I

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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}},<P>I don't know how I could deal with both the infidelity and the alcoholism.<P>You are much stronger than you think!<P>Your H, unfortunately, hasn't hit bottom yet!<BR>It must be sad to see him sliding down the slope to the bottom... and not even be able to see the bottom.<P>Yes...<BR>...you did the right thing.<P>I am praying for you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bc:<BR><B> I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again to this awful life.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ooh, those are harsh, harsh, harsh self-condemning words. I hope you don't mean this. This is not your fault. <P>I think you did the right thing. I have been told, and know from experience, that when you do the right thing despite your strong feelings to the contrary, you get to where you need to be with the minimum of pain and regret. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.<P>As for the OW making him feel better, isn't that what they are there for? How attractive are we when we are complaining about what needs to be fixed and the OW are telling them they are wonderful just the way they are? It's all our fault? It's certainly easier to hear what the OW thinks than to face us or their own problems. I don't know how to fight that one. Still haven't figured that out yet. Some get it and some never do. They just keep going from woman to woman looking for the one who complains the least, until she starts having some opinions of her own. Then they repeat the cycle.<P>My decision was just deciding which type of man I had. One that could change or one that was a serial cheater. I've seen lots of hope for happy marriages after affairs right here on this board. It can be done if the cheater is repentant and willing to work and change. If they remain self-righteous, you can bet you are just in for more of the same. Sorry.

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I am glad there is so much support here or I don't know what I would do. It was all I could do to get out of bed this morning and come to work. I did manage to get some sleep last night knowing that my H wouldn't be coming home. I know that until he hits bottom there isn't anything more I can say or do to help. It is like he is another person when he drinks and also with the OW he is acting like a totally different person. <P>I am glad someone thinks I am strong when I feel so weak. Especially now that he has said he was leaving. I am not sure how long this will last if it was an excuse not to come home and be with the OW or he actually means that he is leaving. Legally, I can't force him out and mentally his behavior has taken its toll on me.<P>Even some of his friends have started to ridicule me. They said last night well he wasn't home and neither was she maybe they went to the lawyers together and then laughed about it. This person told me that if you can't live together as H and wife you should divorce. I told him that I was trying to live as H and wife but my H was having an affair with another woman and that made it somewhat difficult. But they are his friends and I know I have done nothing wrong and everything in my power to change things without H's help or willingness. Maybe the friends should live in my shoes for awhile.<P>Well enough ranting, thanks for the support. I need it most right now for I feel so lost, alone and so hurt.

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bc,<P>Whatever friend made that stupid comment/joke about your H & OW going to the lawyer's sure has a lot of nerve. What a jerk! Is this one of those guys that comes to your house and hangs out at your garage? If it is, then you should tell his sorry a$$ to stay out of it and stay out of your garage. (sorry for my candor, but people like this really get on my nerves...)<P>bc, you are strong. You have come such a long way from when you first came to MB. Do you notice the changes? Alanon has been good for you and I'm so glad to hear that you have been attending faithfully.<P>Keep it up. Despite your H's stupidity, your strength will keep growing every day.<P>

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Yes he is one of the people that has their race car in the garage. My H drives the car. I told the guy on Saturday after i found the OW stuff at the lake that he probably should find somewhere else to take the car and that I had told my H that too. <P>I should have gone out there and said pack it up and you don't need to be here it is my house too. I can't even put my truck in the garage. But of course my lawyer can't do anything about that either. I should just lock the door and if my H isn't there they don't have a key too bad. He has no right to judge me and my marriage. I have tried and I am not to blame for my H's running around. In fact the same guy said my H had it made by not working drinking collecting unemployment chasing wild women and still coming home to his wife. And he is judging me. It he is there tonight I will tell him to take the car and leave.<P>It really made me feel horrible that they joke about the Ow but they are friends with her and her family so why wouldn't they want to get rid of me.

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bc,<P>I'm glad to hear that your are <BR>making a stand for yourself. Those <BR>yucky people sound like they don't <BR>have any morals and ZERO class!<P>Don't listen to them. They won't do anything but try to bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself.<P>You know that you didn't do <BR>anything wrong. If that's the way <BR>those people feel about it, then <BR>obviously, they have some screws <BR>loose.<P>I keep hearing you get stronger & <BR>stonger everyday. Keep it up!

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I know I did the right thing last night but I am afraid if he comes home tonight what I will do or say that will piss him off or something. I find it so hard to understand how this loving man that I married changes into this evil person that I don't know. It hurts so bad to have him stand there and say he is leaving and he will do what he wants when he wants etc. I asked him when he got home if he was coming in from the garage and he snapped back not now when IIIIIIIIam ready. <P>I just wish if he is going to act like this and come and go when he wants and see the OW when he wants he would just go and stay away from me. It isn't fair that he does what he wants with her or whatever and when he feels the need to come home for whatever reason (shower, clothes, using the garage, etc) then he can and I shouldn't care or ask questions. Doesn't sound like a marriage to me. Not even like a roommate. <P>I have a tremendous amount of hurt and anger from his actions towards me. I have been beating myself up over WHY is he doing this to me, WHAT have I done to him only been loving, kind, and forgiving. Guess I should have been cruel but that is not my nature.<P>I wish he would leave me completely alone, the comings and goings are going to kill me.

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he SAID he wasn't coming home, but has he?<BR>keep going to those alanon meetings, i bet they keep you sane.<BR>as for other peoples stuff in your house...i have OW's piano in my dining room, and it's all i can do at times not to take an axe to the dam thing...<BR>you ARE strong, hang in there, and don't act like he expects you too...then he will eventually change. it's hard, but you can do it.

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I remember my H coming home and passing out on our living room floor. We have no furniture in the living room.....and his snoring just echoed up the stairs. I remember getting up and carrying a pillow and blanket down to him.....just looking at him and feeling so sorry for him. To just think how alcohol has ruined all of our lives....and still does.<P>Through alanon learned everyone hits rock bottom at different times....when it just becomes too much for them. A person there said that everyone should attend a AA meeting and listen to these people talk about how they lost their families...their friends.....their jobs....and still they didn't hit rock bottom. But these people are now so saddened by all of their loses....that is what hurts and why so many of us in these relationships want to help so bad...because we know that they will regret all of this.<P>Alcohol turned my H into a different person....he used to be a happy drunk.....but at the time of the affair...he became abusive while drunk. It is obvious now to me to see that the guilt became to my=uch....drank to hide the pain....became mad at himself again and took it out on me and the girls. It is just such a vicious circle.<P>Nancy

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Thanks so much for the support. I had my whole speech in my mind of what I would say to him if he came home. Well he did and I was doing good and then I lost it. Why can't I hold myself together I just look at him and it hurts so much that I get upset and all the emotion floods out.<P>I told him that the way he treated me the other night when he was drunk was not what I deserved or wanted or would tolerate. I said that he had a sickness and I couldn't take the coming and going and the OW anymore. I asked him to fill his net worth statement out so we could proceed with the divorce seeing he is NOT going to do anything to work on our marriage. He said he was getting layed off work so he would do it Thursday. If it isn't at his lawyers by Friday I am taking him to court to get it.<P>But after he left the other night and said he was leaving here he is back again because it is convenient. Can't spend too much time with the OW must be. I tried to be resonable but lost it and said that if he chose her fine I hoped she could make him happy but in the process he is going to lose everything and so am I. Our new house, all his toys etc. Somehow I still don't think that registers because today after work he has plans of bringing another car home to put in the garage and work on for someone. I told him that the house would be going up for sale so not to get too comfortable using the garage. <P>Lastly this morning I asked him to take a good long look at our marriage and see if it really was as bad as he thinks that he just threw in the towel and got the OW. He just says he doesn't know why he just gave up and didn't have the same feelings for me anymore. I guess I need to stop asking WHY he will never tell me and maybe he doesn't really know. Where is rock bottom when you need it so badly.<P>I also told him not to plan any special picnics, parties etc at the lake with the OW because I would be keeping tabs on the place. It isn't his little love shack party hut. I won't have it.

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bc,<P> Now your talkin'. Loved that last line ".... I won't have it." Good for you. Focus on yourself, stand up for yourself, don't bother to find out who, what, when, where, or why. Tonight is a night off, tomorrow is Alaon. Keep it up girl! Victoria

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P.S. I would like to see your subject like also reflect YOUR feelings, and doings. Like: I am feeling .... or Today I went to Alaon, an update on meeting.

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Victoria,<P>Yes Alanon again tomorrow night. I have found that I am not alone in what I am going through but I am far from being as strong as some of the women there. I understand their steps and beliefs but it is a very hard pill to swallow. I get very worked up, anxious, mad etc and then tend to blow up at my H. I realize that this is not good for me or him and I am trying to do it less often but I am so bothered by the WHY that it is extremely difficult.<P>I did feel that the other night when he came home drunk he wasn't the man I married. I felt sorry for him in a way. I definately did not like the H I saw before me. His actions and attitude like God was very disturbing. I asked myself why would I want someone like this. I have been putting up with this type of behavior for years now and only now do I realize this.<P>He definately needs to hit rock bottom and I need to dig out from rock bottom. The meetings do not only give me somewhere to go for an hour to get out of the house but also make me feel better about myself.

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Dear bc,<BR>I'm sorry for your pain. Now on to the thing that jumped out at me:<P>Your H is driving around drunk? You are right to be worried. He could hurt an innocent person and ruin another's life or remove them from this earth. <P>1) Is this something that Alanon deals with? Do loved ones ever alert Highway Patrol or local police that someone is driving a lethal weapon, so that they can be stopped? We're all responsible for not hurting others. How (if at all) is this topic dealt with in ALanon?<P>2) Is there a MADD chapter close to you? Would you be willing to contact them (anonymously) to talk about this? Ask for input, suggestions etc.? <P>Not to hurt your H, not to be vengeful, but to do the right thing by the innocents out there.<P>Sorry for all the pain you are enduring. But I can't help but think of the pain a drunk driver can inflict on an innocent bystander. (My child, other people's children, someone's wife or husband.)<P>Take care.

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Dreamers and drunkards never lie. When the inhibitions are gone, the ugly truth comes out.<P>You did the right thing. Focus on being independent of him financially and emotionally. Have zero tolerance for his behavior. Have no guilt no matter what form of manipulation he may take.<P>People who stay with drunks think so little of themselves that they think if the drunk doesn't want them, no one will. That's a bold faced lie.<P>He is a first class jerk and you are not responsible for his behavior or opinions. Only a fool argues or attempts to reason with a fool.<P>The sooner he hits the bottom, the sooner he can free himself from alcohol. The people who try to "rescue" him only prolong the agony for themselves and the alcoholic.<P>If you love him, slam the door in his face and have nothing to do with him. That's the quickest road to success for everyone.<BR>

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Cuckold - I beg to differ with you.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>People who stay with drunks think so little of themselves that they think if the drunk doesn't want them, no one will<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>First, I stay with my alcoholic husband, because I believe that God's word is the truth, and the truth will set him (and me) free. God's word tells me that if "a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him" 1 Cor 13, and "16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband?" 1 Cor 16. God is working in his life. <P>Alcoholism is a disease. He is sick. I would not leave him if he had cancer or any other disease. I married him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. He is in the sick and for worse part right now. But, this too shall pass.<P>I know the good man that my husband is behind the veil of alcoholism. Like I said, the Truth will set him free, and right now the Lord is working mightily in his life. Yes he does things that hurt my feelings, causing me deep pain. The Lord erases that pain and fills my heart with joy. A joy that can only come from the Lord. He is my rock, my savior, my Redeemer! <P>Secondly, I know that I am a strong, capable, attractive, loving, caring hard-working woman, and there are <B>plenty</B> of men out there that wouldn't mind taking my husband's place. However, I choose fidelity, I choose to honor our Lord, our God and live my life according to his word. God chose me to be my husband's wife for a reason. You may think I am nuts, but my faith in our Father will always remain, for He knows without a shadow of a doubt what is best for me, and He loves me AND MY HUSBAND. My husband is a precious child of God whether he believes in Him or not.

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Good for you, just make sure that you don't turn out to be an enabler. Read Glen Campbell's autobiography for some good advice.<BR>


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