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Is it okay if I post my update here too? I mean I'm pretty new to this board. I've been getting so much help in the last week I'd like to if it's okay.<P>Here goes ... H & I are separated now 1 month 3 days and 8 hrs. He is temporarily (yeah, right) living with OW until he gets into his alleged house.<P>We are talking and no LB from me. He is blown away that I was so understanding when I learned he was living w/her. Thanks to Buffy, Missy9, CL, Kam6318, NoTrust and so many others (sorry if I missed any names) I was not a raving lunatic when we talked as I'm sure he was antipating. He even called me this morning at work for the first time in months and wanted to know HOW I WAS! Yeah!<P>In one week I've learned so much. I'm grateful for all the support & prayers more than I can say. I've also made a friend from the board who is local to my area (Gig Harbor, WA). We plan to hook-up and have coffee, talk and hopefully help each other.<P>I'm almost smiling just typing this post because I know God has answered my prayers by leading me here.<P>I plan on learning and stretching myself so I can be a better person so when my H does return we will have a new marriage, one that will never be in jeopardy of an affair ever again.<P>I plan on stepping up the plate and being there for every one of you when you're in need.<P>So there's my update for June 1.<P>Jo

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My update. I feel like we are in limbo. H told me a week ago that he wants out of this marriage. Since then not much talking, he avoids me. I have been trying to do plan A. Maybe I made a little progress cause he left me a note to tell me he would be home late. Or maybe he just felt guilty.<P>I have been working on me and see things that are problems, but haven't been able to feel like I can cange then as yet. Might be a long process.<BR>Lora<BR>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Goober:<BR><B>I'm starting legal precedings on getting a divorce. We will do a one year seperation followed by the big D. I've been humiliated one too many times to maintain any kind of feelings for my wife.<P>I know I have some rough times ahead but as I maintained from the beginning, I did everything could (and will continue to until final) to keep us together, I have maintained my self respect and my dignity. I really believe i will come out of this a better person, one who knows how to be more caring, more compassionate, more open and more dedicated to the person I will be involved with.<P>Once everything goes through I am going on vacation, somewhere warm and south. Goober can still limbo with the best of them.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Goober, I admire you a lot. Just want to ask, I don't remember whether you have found a therapist or a counselor, or if you have time to see one. It helps me. <P>Be well.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>Ok...<P>I was going to, and probably will, do a separate post tomorrow...<BR>...asking for more prayers... again!<P>Overall, the news is not too good...<P>I have my trial date (divorce) set for Monday (June 5th)...<BR>...hoping for a postponment.<P>My W(stbx...yuck I hate using that accronym) will not talk to me...<BR>...about virtually anything!<P>W told my son I am a big fat liar...<BR>...that <I>now</I> I have his ~$30K social security benefit money...(huh???)<BR>...how it moved into my account is a miracle<BR>...my balance didn't go up one thin dime!<P>My attorney keeps telling me... the courts will not put aside any money for my kids education... and I will have to beg my W for it when the time comes...<BR>..oh yeahhh... he'll be glad to file an appeal... should cost about $5,000!<P>Unemployed for 2 weeks...<BR>(that's OK... I'll pick up a new job in July... I really can do it!)<BR>I'm going to Europe for 3 weeks in late June /early July for my grandparents 65th anniversary... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>...oh yeh...<BR>my son's car just died...<BR>...now I'm super taxi...<P>Gee...<BR>...Sheba... you up for a dance?...LOL<P>But I'm OK...<BR>...I got someone above looking after me... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim<P>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 01, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Jim, I couldn't check the boards for awhile, just wanted to ask how the communion went? Okay, I'll put you in my rosary, as well as other people here on the board.<P>Sleep well.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

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For those wanting the short version, all I can say is UGH. Here comes the long version.<P>Now separated almost 21 months. More trips on the roller coaster than anyone can imagine. Have Plan Aed myself to death and thought I was making great progress the last few months. Husband is spending more and more time with us, obviously feels comfortable around me, and enjoys himself. Of course, he still won't talk about the "issues" (OW, our future, the marriage, how I need to change, etc.). He falsely started a divorce in February by sending me the paperwork with a waiver of service. I said I wasn't going to sign the waiver until we had an inperson discussion about the marriage. I scheduled it twice, he ducked it, and that was the end of the legal process.<P>Meanwhile, more and more time together, increasing helpfulness from him, and much better interaction with the kids. He suggested we jointly do a Mother's Day brunch for MIL at my house and helped me. Turns out, the night before the brunch he took his brother (visiting from out of state) out to dinner with the OW. This is the first indication of her presence since October 31, which was the last day we had a discussion about our marriage. She had never met any family members before.<P>BIL told me about it and that was too much for me to ignore. I told husband that I was very hurt and asked him what was going on. I got the usual set of answers, the "I gave up and moved on" stuff, but I also got an "I don't know what I'm going to do" in response to my question "are you going to pick up the divorce?". I expect the real answer is nothing. Perpetual limbo.<P>Meanwhile, the entire situation is taking an ever increasing toll on me. I am definitely not the same person I was two years ago, and much of the change is NOT an improvement. I used to be decisive, action-oriented, and in control of my own life. Now, I feel my self respect going down the toilet. My boss made some nicely worded but negative comments about my changes at work, and she's right. I am not the same.<P>I don't have answers for myself, but I'm feeling that I need to make some major life changes. I'm afraid of all directions - making major changes and continuing on are both depressing and terrifying thoughts.<P>Wow, this is quite a whine. Sorry.

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Deb,<P>Neat idea [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>WOOZY...where are you????<P><BR>My update is fairly simple. I moved over to the divorced board. My divorce is on hold. MY ex withdrew his action (or whatever you call it) and I countersued.<P>I am ready. I don't want the marriage. I feel I went through a very bad period of pain and sorrow and now I'm ready to be happy again.<P>I took some time to be single. To enjoy it, to live it up, and to get wild and crazy. I even did it to the point I got sick of it. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Am seeing just one person now. Things are going well for the time being. I am very happy with my life and most of what occurs in it. The things I am unhappy with, are out of my control.<P>My ex still has a hold on me. He still has the ability to ruin my day, be disgusting and cruel to me and to control me while I don't know its happening.<P>Looking back on the whole affair and how it played out, I wish my ex would have just walked away peacefully. I have learned a lot. I continue to grow and become the person I was BEFORE my ex destroyed me 11 years ago. <P>I am not glad that it happened, because it hurt like hell, but I know now, this was for the best and I was not meant to be with him.<P>I know I'll have some down time, but I look forward to the future and I will do my best to be happy in it.<P>

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Hi Deb - I'm a little late - (INFP trait? Good excuse? nah)<P>But I'm here with my update. Thanks for the thread, keeps me from posting my own!<P>Well, Mothers Day generally goes by without notice in my household - but this year was different - lots of recognition from the SD's and H bought me a scanner and a lake house! We take posession in a couple of weeks! Have some work to do on it - hoping to be moved in by winter. <P>Have a little Graves disease - so sleeping can be a hurdle for me. I have suffered immensely for my excitement - with the lake house and going to CA for my son's wedding - and I got a call from Washington DC and they are changing the funding request for my project from $150K 1 year to $400K 3 years. Too much excitement for this ole' lady - couldn't sleep for days! <P>Went to California for my son's wedding. It was beautiful. It was held at a resort in the desert, and our family pastor who is now retired performed the ceremonies. It became a family reunion - and it was a blast. <P>Son honored me so beautifully - with Bride's mom and myself going up to light our children's candle they used to light their own unity candle. Sermon during the service was wonderful - even my husband's father was touched with tears and renewal for his own marriage. (He is known as the infidelity King). The night before the wedding my X and my H, our two sons and my son's uncle all went bar hopping in Palm Springs. My Husband said he had a terrific time. He's not bothered by my X in anyway - except when I'm around, and then my X's mouth is drooling and my H wants to punch him out. (teee heeee)<P>They cancelled our flight out of Burbank to Minnesota, so they rerouted us to LAX and then the plane had problems - and to make a long story short - we didn't get home for 24 hours, which seriously affected my sleep again. Got home at 7 am instead of the previous day, and then I got sick, resistance was down - so it developed into pneumonia and I am in the recovery for this as I type. (coughing green chunks of something ick ick ick)<P>Oldest SD joined a ladies baseball team, and she asked us to go to her first game. How nice - X wife was there. PUKE. Then one of my H OW's is on SD's team. She was H OW during his first marriage. Then the OW from our marriage was on the opposing team. One view I told him was a KODAK MOMENT (HUGE LOVEBUSTER) when I said "See the view! There is Debbie (X) in front of us, SD is up to bat behind Julie (OW from first marriage) and there is Jody (OW from our marriage) in centerfield. How lovely, Mike! Aren't you proud of yourself?" He was not proud, more ashamed and angry. Just couldn't resist, then laughed it off - but I now it hurt him bad. I'm paying for that one evening over and over and over in my mind - awful visions of lies and affairs that I am combatting now but I am doing well not to mention it to Mike.<P>After the game when we got home he hugged me and said "he was glad that it was only an 'almost' mistake" (with Jody, still denying he had an affair.) Geez, I took the hug and bit my tongue. Can't wait till we move. Fraid it isn't far enough away.<P>So, that is my update!<BR>See ya at the block party.<BR>TNT

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hi everyone...<P>this is a great thread, so interesting to see different updates. I am also in kind of a holding pattern. Thanks to all of you I am doing a remarkable plan A and it seems to be working well. H is calling a lot and spending time with me and kids at least a few times a week. His apartment is depressing as all he!! and things are breaking there almost daily (There is a God!). First the shower, then the dishwasher. Home must be looking good to him at those times.<P>I am very hopeful, but also very wary. I know I can not ever trust this man again, and the funny thing is...I am starting to change once I accepted that. I would love to be in a place in my life where I don't need him. He is seeing these changes in me, and it's scaring him and frustrating him. The icky, vengeful part of me has a fantasy that H asks to come home and I say...no...I'm moving on. <BR>So, day by day, things change. When we are together it is great. Always hug and kiss goodbye. Had a date last week with H which was wonderful and we both knew there was still "something there" between us. As soon as we start feeling close he pulls back though, and I'm left hurting again.<P>Anyone out there with a crystal ball? I'd love to know the outcome of this mess.<P>

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Hi all! I see good updates, limbo (where we are right now, and the sadder ones. I think of all of you and pray also. I see where there is growth too!<P>Well I have posted recently, update is:<P>We are seperated almost 4 weeks, at the midpoint of do we go on or not. I have grown, seen a lot of things in myself I did not like, what I was becoming. H has issue's he needs to resolve but so far denies the mood swings that he goes into. <P>I am doing things for myself, things I stopped doing a year ago, things that I enjoy or make me who I am. I am taking care of my daughters. I have good and bad days. <P>But things must improve in one direction or another. I pray daily for my family and for all of us here. I am thinking clearer and with more purpose. <P>God Bless you all and stay safe<BR>Lila<BR>Forgiving is easy, forgetting is not BUT it is not impossible!

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Well those that have been following my post know that H is on his way back to our state and town. He left MN on Tues, but I haven't heard from his since.<BR>Very nervous, because when I spoke with him last OW had been leaving him messages and wanting to rekindle their affair. I suggested it was not a good thing to return her calls, but he said I might just to end it here before I come home.<BR>I'm afraid she got to him and he has decided to stay there and not come home, and has been afriad to call me. <BR>If he does chose to stay there, then I think this will really be the end for us. <BR>At least I have done everything and can continue to move on like I have been.<BR>Especially for my son, because when he talked to his dad last Fri. Dad promised he would never leave us again. Then when I spoke to him on Tues. he was going thru withdrawl BIG time. <BR>#1 order of plan IS he must get some counseling and or meds for the depression.<BR>I cannot have him living here and being depressed, because I find myself falling there too. For the past 4 months, I have been like my old self, and it feels good!<BR>If he wants my help I will help him, but if he doesn't then he can just do it on his own, without living here in OUR home (mine and our sons) don't consider this his home anymore. I've changed everything that reminded me of him and I will not go back unless I SEE changes. IF not then it will be best for him to live on his own, at least while he tries to rebuid our relationship.<BR>That way my son and I won't feel like we're walking on egg shells again. Best for both of us.<BR>I will keep you posted.<BR>Tyra

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On summer vacation and reading at such a rate that I will be out of Harley books by today!! Ha Ha Ha. <P>My taker was in for a real big fuss the other night, and I had just about decided to let it throw a minor temper tantrum when my husband started tickling me. You can't stay mad even if you want to when you are laughing that hard. Anyway, I started getting butterflies like when we first met. That same fiery passion. He did something right...Score. (Although right about now I'm really unsure how to articulate it.) Anyway, life is improving drastically. <P>Currently working on artful negotiation. Well back off to have some fun in the sun...<BR>Hang in there guys the road does get immensely better. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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howdy all! My W and I are in the process of dissolution; we've had the meeting with the lawyers and settled all the issues (in record time! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]), so now they're just filling out the paperwork in the language of un-love called 'legalese'. We're probably halfway to the finalization...<P> I bought a new sporty car this past Friday (sunroof, CD player, leather int., 4-doors, black, etc. ...my wife got the mini-van; wasn't difficult for me to let go of it), so I'm excited to drive to NC for a vacation with the kids here in a few weeks. My mother and step-father rented a beach house and my sisters and their families are all staying there too. We all live in Ohio, but I'm driving separately in order to take a couple of days and have some fun with the kids. First vacation for all three of us without Vicky (my W); ugh, not looking forward to my family's face-to-face questioning. Hope they don't overdo it...<P>take care,<BR>theo

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TNT, the ball game?! I am just laughing to no end! A kodak moment....then send it to wassi to burn?<BR>So happy to read abt the house, the wedding, your job, and the great attitude you have maintained!!!

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I don't post much anymore but still lurk.....Divorse is in process, have everything pretty much decided upon, taken the classes and waiting for the mediation to get over with.<BR> From everything I have read I had thought things would improve and I was arrogant enough to say things like her affair won't last (wrong) the newness would wear off and she would see clearly (wrong) that her boyfriend would never leave his wife (wrong). She is one of those on the small side of the statistic that says her affair will work. Her life is great, she has the man she planned for, she has her son the majority of the time and most importantly she does not have to contend with me. I had thought I was on my way to getting on with things but now it seems I have to get over the hurdle of the distinct possibility that I will have to share my son with the guy (now that he has left his W) and that is truly killing me. I really did not think I would ever have to do that.... just another thing to get used to.... <BR>This month it will have been 4 years since she told me she was in love with this guy. We were together for approx. 3 of those 4, looking back it was a big waste of time and energy.<BR>Now I have had the time to realize what I brought to the table and have learned a great deal of how to be a better husband. I am off the victim platform that I so pridfully put myself on and am trying to work on myself. <BR>I am with God, I hate divorse and always will...<BR>Michael

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Deb,<P>I have Plan A'd pretty well for the last 3 months as much as I can. W moved out March 1st and since that time she has been in England for 12 days, in Chicago for 9 days with OM. The OM was here for 2 weeks and currently my W is in England again with OM for 10 days. In between those times Plan A seems to be working a bit. In the last month, she has gone to lunch with me 3 or 4 times, we have gone to dinner twice, and we went to a movie once. She acknowledges my gifts with thank you cards and I have gotten a couple of kisses and several nice hugs. We still attend Church together and we have planed and had D's graduation reception and Piano recital award reception.She has even had me to dinner at her apartment one time. Just as important as that we have not been LB'ing. <P>Things are going well for this stage of the situation. These are tiny baby steps and we are along way from being together again, never the less they are steps in the right direction.<P>D is pregnant and W wants her to abort. D does not want to and I support the D, so she and I have been getting a lot closer...and that's a great thing. D lives with me.<P>I am becoming a much better person according to my counselor mostly through Plan A, prayers, friends, and family support along with this web site. I hope things continue to improve . My love for W continues to get stronger and I hope she eventually see the changes.<P><BR>Love and Prayers for All!!!<P>J W

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Guys, thank you all for posting your updates, my cabel internet connection was down for last night and today. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I can't post long right now, but wanted to say something. Mike wants his turn on the comouter, so I'll go for now. I'll be back later tho.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

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After sending my H some posts that came from this board, he checked it out. Started a flame war and has just as quickly disappeared, I am afraid.<P>Not sure why he came. Was he looking for validation or truly trying to give us a chance? He could have been sincere. He's done a few things that seemed so... for a day or two.<P>Well, I talked to him today as a result of all that's been going on back and forth, and came to the conclusion AGAIN that there is no stopping the divorce and no changing the situation.<P>We were getting along just fine. I was trying to focus on matters of the heart, but he just wanted to talk about money. He has become so negative (and he says I changed!). He doesn't see his so many blessings, only what he is losing (namely me as a servant). He is still blaming and expecting me to do things that I did because I was his wife. For example, his dog that I never wanted is living at my house. He expects me to feed him, bathe him, and make sure he has whatever he needs because he can't have dogs at his place. He doesn't realize that it is HIS dog and HIS responsibility. He says I have "deep emotional" problems because I don't want to accept the responsibility for his dog. Because I don't want to be used, I have problems and I am selfish. It's the least I could do.<P>He told me that I manipulated our entire relationship for financial gain. I told him many times during our relationship that I felt my working for him was leaving me unfulfilled and without anything to fall back on. He told me that I was being selfish, that our money was our money regardless of who's name it was in and that everything was for our joint future. Now he's saying I am not entitled to anything and I cheated him.<P>His parting words were, "I'm sorry I ever married you." I told him I wasn't. Not sure if that fed his ego or made him feel guilty.<P>I'm still fine. It's not even a challenge not to love bust anymore. I let all that stuff go right over my head because it's all crap. Why get upset over crap, right?<P>I think he can't stand being around me because I am so perky that it makes him feel guilty. How can you give someone a mean sentiment when they just keep telling you how much they love you? ha! It's really not calculated to make him feel bad. It's more that I DON'T feel bad.<P>Except for him. He's got so much potential and so many blessings, and he is missing out on it all.<P>Anyway, he says he is contesting the divorce now because he thinks the settlement is too generous to me (it's NOT). So, what was supposed to be quick and painless is likely to drag on for some time now. As I said before though, I don't care. Today, next month, next year, it's all the same to me.<P>Sorry it's not a happy ending update.

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I'm doing fine. The girls are okay. My job has been somewhat difficult...but I still like it.<P>Divorce will be final in August.<P>Have a psychological evaluation on Monday and starting to feel scared<P>Hope everyone is doing good<BR>Nancy<BR>

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Hi Deb,<BR> How's that all-summer-long party going?<BR> "YOU WANT TO TURN THAT RAP DOWN,I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK!" [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com].......that's better,thanks.<BR> Since my dinner date with Mitzi fizzled out over on the Divorcing board,I'll stop over here with an update.<BR> I never thought my W's affair with BoyToy would go the distance.She's been living with him a little over a year.Sounds like the real thing.<BR> I'm going to file for divorce.Between living with OM,going through a MLC,and some kind of identity crisis,it's over.It just wouldn't ever work again.That innocence we both once had is lost.<BR> Long time ago,she said she'd leave the divorce up to me,and didn't want much,just her freedom.I'm getting off better than most,keeping my house,and retirement savings.<BR> I recently had my lawyer draw up the papers,and I sent them to her.We'll see if she sticks to her intentions.She told me I was a good H,but she needed a new life.It seems like she's found it.<BR> Oh well,life goes on,right?Don't try to talk me out of it,I want this divorce.After all this time,maybe I really have moved on.<BR> <BR> Keep that party going.Turn that music back up."CAN'T YOU GET IT ANY LOUDER THAN THAT!!"<P> --Murph

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Joined: Jun 1999
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Hi Deb,<P>All is well here. She started sleeping in OUR bed about two weeks ago. God is wonderful. We still haven't been intimate but did get a HJ on Thursday night. This is a real big plus since we last made love on 29 May 1999.<P>I love her more with each new day. God is opening my eyes to why she is in such great pain. I am being very supportive: full body massages that get very close to make love to me requests, praising her for getting her Associates in Applied Science, giving her money to cover her bloopers in money management (she becomes depressed when she realizes that she is still not doing this well. I know that I am not helping by saving her regularly but I am balancing her sanity with our boys.), buying her little gifts each month, keeping my mouth shut and listening to her without reply, giving advice only when she asks for it (this one is tough because it is so unlike me.), praying for her and the boys continually.<P>It is my desire to be what God wants me to be for her. I know sometimes that is not what she wants me to be for her. Yet, I have to do what God tells me is best for her because He made us all. I pray she will go back to her psychologist whom she has seen only once back in Jan. This morning she told me psychiatrist told her it was her option to take effexor. She has been taking it but not regularly nor with any feedback to her psychiatrist to see if any tweaking in dosage is necessary.<P>Her attitude is changing more as I give the appearance that she can do what ever she wants (meant in a very positive way, I know it sounds like I am putting on a facade. I am not. I am trying to determine the best possible solution to helping her. This is a problem for we analyzer types. Go to <A HREF="http://www.cfcministry.org/lifepathways/pid/index.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cfcministry.org/lifepathways/pid/index.htm</A> to see what personality type you are.<P>Our oldest is much more at ease since I update them on how we are doing. I want them to benefit as much if not more than I do from our progress in getting closer. She still doesn't see the connection to how this affects the boys and she is getting her degree in early childhood education. All the classes she has taken talks about the affects of what is going on between us has on them. I guess she is overly focused on herself because that was what she experienced as a child. She still does get this when we are around her family. I have begun to get the same treatment from my family. I guess I chose not to see that my family was disfunctional as well. <P>While we were home for my mother's retirement, I found that my family has become more like her family. We were much closer when we were children through early adulthood. Now that we are all in our 30's we seem to be drifting apart because they are all struggling in their relationships but don't really want to talk about it with anyone outside of letting it stew inside without discussing how they really feel with their spouses.<P>My brother is divorcing his W. I can only be supportive of his decision and be there when he finally understands that it is not going to be as easy as he thinks it is going to be. Most of his issues center around his W's behavior which is very close to childish. I know this sounds bad but it is true. As a matter of fact we ALL act childish from time to time. I know I have my moments more than I would like.<P>Getting back to my W and me, we are getting closer because she uses we and us when she disciplines the boys. She had stopped using those words. I truly do love her. She is and ALWAYS will be God's gift to me regardless of what she thinks of me because I come across as an insensitive dolt. I just know that she is part of the reason that I have grown much closer to God. <B>I am truly thankful that I obeyed Him when He asked me to marry her. I don't regret doing His will.</B><P><B><I>I skimmed most of the posts. Thanks Deb for including me among such wonderful men and for the glowing accolade. I give God all the glory, honor, and praise for my actions. I only want Jesus to live His life through me. Such kind words says that I am keeping my selfishness out of the picture and that He is doing what He said He would. It also lets me know that I am NOT giving Him the black eye that I sometimes feel that I am, particularly when it comes to my W and our boys.</I></B><P>I have rambled on long enough. I pray for everyone here continually because He will answer our prayers as long as we allow Him to use us. It hurts but in the end it will be well worth the minor amount of pain (though it seems to be overwhelming right now.)<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net <P><BR>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited June 03, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited June 03, 2000).]

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