Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
#383137 06/01/00 08:29 PM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
C
cl Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
poorme, sorry you feel that this is passing judgement. You posted some queries, and some of us see things different than you. No need to get defensive or angry: this is a real life lesson in communication! <BR>You can certainly find other sites where there might be one person that will agree with some of your statements, but I doubt it will be a Marriage Building site. <BR>If you want to try to repair the damage, read the info! It is all here for you. You say you are an intelligent man, lets see some action to correct the problems. <BR>I hear a lot of blame and anger, which may be considered normal for a betrayer in some stages. <BR>Compelled to Control is a great book. It may help you understand one of your first statements regarding your wife. You siad that you married her KNOWING she did not want to have more children, but that change was anticipated by you. <BR>Please READ!!!

#383138 06/01/00 08:31 PM
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,036
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,036
I'm glad it's only a thousand too. First off the reason you are not getting any support because you truly sound like a spoiled brat who was handed everything with no real responsibility to work for anything. You sound like you need a mother to take care of YOU YOU YOU and forget about her needs. You come across as a VERY IMMATURE AND YOUNG BOY, who is crying because he is not getting a toy that he wants. These are REAL people here who want to UNDERSTAND and HEAL. You want someone to answer in the way that YOU want them to. It sounds like you have a self-image problem by stating that you have a pick of many woman, by the fact that you had to tell your wife that she had better not change and stop having sex with you or you will go outside the marriage. You have no communication skills what-so-ever. Their are a lot of us that have no communication skills, but we RECOGNIZE this and are trying to work on it. The one thing you did agree on is that you are a MAJOR CONFLICT AVOIDER and you prove it with the whiney. YOU ARE ALL NOT PERFECT, I'M LEAVING, I'M OUTTA HERE! When you can seat down like an adult and type something using your brain and not your ego then get back to us and then we can work through this to understand what and how to get your marriage on the right tracks, if that's what you truly want for you, now for how it looks to everyone else.

#383139 06/01/00 09:36 PM
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 9
P
poorme Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 9
Alright. I am sorry, if I offended you guys. This is my last attempt. I am serious about needing some advice, but can't talk to my wife because I am afraid of getting the same type of stuff from her. This is not encouraging me to stay.<P>I am here because my wife comes here and thought it would be a good place for me to help me decide what to do. When you bash me, when all of you have the same story, it doesn't make sense to me!<P>Anyway, I do love my wife. She's the most sexy, beautiful, and smartest women I've ever seen, but she HAS changed. I don't know if I can trust her to not hold the past over my head forever. I don't know if she is telling me the truth about wanting to have babies or if she is just trying to keep us together. I know that having a family is important to me. Despite what you say, I don't know any reason why I shouldn't have that.<P>All my freinds have wives who wait on them hand and foot. You'd think my wife would at least be able to get up and get me a drink, but she tells me to get it myself. My wife works in the house and has the nerve to complain about what a rough day she had. I wish I could watch tv all day. You's think she'd be able to do the laundry and keep the house clean since she's home all day, but she can't even do that. I work hard, so I don't want to deal with that stuff. It makes me just want to leave.<P>I don't even think she really loves me. I went out on her because she was rejecting me. Every time I put my arms around her when we were sleeping, she pulled away. She said she didn't know she was doing it, but I think she did. Other women don't do that. <P>Since I've been out of the house, life's just so much more fun. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I can be myself without having to worry about upsetting her and having her cry about something. I'm happier, but sometimes I miss her.<BR> <BR>But she's solid, you know? You can depend on her. If you need to know something, she knows it. If you need something done, she can help. But that isn't enough. <P>I know our court date is coming up and I am running out of time. I didn't go back home when she asked me to, and she's acting like it is already over. I don't know that I really have any choice in if we can get back together or not. I don't even know if I want to, but the thought of having it final makes me nervous.<P>I have until Monday to figure it out and do something. It might already be too late. Letting go of her is harder than I ever thought. She's got so much integrity. That's not easy to find. I miss her. I hate her.

#383140 06/01/00 09:55 PM
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,526
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 1,526
Wait wait wait ! Hold it right there.<P>Do what she's supposed to ? Ok , were you supposed to cheat ? Were you supposed to let her think you accepted that she didn't want kids and then change your mind ?<P>Look a wife is not a dog or a slave. You can't just treat her badly and then expect her to do what you want. If you talk to her like you post about her, then you are lucky she hasn't divorced you.<P>Either you love her, for who she is, how she is or you don't. Stop trying to control her.<P>All you will do is hurt her and yourself. Love her accept her learn to meet HER needs and you might be suprised at the difference it can make.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

#383141 06/01/00 10:04 PM
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
C
cl Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
hello poorme...seems you are real, you are reading. Where are you in counseling? <BR>Disrespectful judgements are an issue for you. Have you read that part? <BR>

#383142 06/01/00 10:07 PM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 924
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 924
Poorme,<P>Your last line in the above post made me smile.....I miss her. I hate her. Have you ever turned that around....she may also feel that way.<P>You said you can't trust her....so you are not sure you want to give it try......turn that around.....don't you even understand that she feels the same way.<P>You know...I can't offer you some perfectly wonderful....intelligent....college educated advice....because I am not perfectly wonderful....intelligent or college educated.<P>I am simply a human being who has been destroyed by the man I loved so much.<P>I have watched my children walk through the last year, confused, feeling unloved by their father and on the verge of depression.<P>It is not a pretty sight. It breaks my heart....it can literally make me collapse in my bed at night sobbing for God to do something....help us in some way.<P>Our lives have been totally turned upside down. <P>Some of the words you said about your wife have been echoed to me plenty of times.<P>I was the perfect wife....when I did exactly what he said. If I strayed from perfection...I was punished. I did things for him because I loved him, not because he told me to.<P>If my H told me to get him a beer....I would also tell him to get it himself. But I would have loved to get him one....but because I wanted too, not because he "told" me to.<P>I was told that I sat on my fat a$$ and did nothing all day. Well you better not even go there.....any mother who stays home with their children is doing something...not sitting on their butts. You may be able to do it here and there....but try doing it day in and day out. Try getting up in the middle of the night to comfort your child with an earache......you rock them....singing in their ear...stroking their face and wishing the pain to go away. Your exhausted....go to bed only to be woken up again and again through the night. Finally when the child gets some sleep you get some....only to have your H come home and ask what you have done all day.<P>My stbx told me how other women found him sexy...he could have his pick.....but I should feel proud he picked me. You know what...I was proud to be his wife, but it was sickening to hear him "tell" me I needed to be proud.....but I was also humiliated for what he did to me and his family.<P>Many men feel that respect and fear go hand in hand. I do not respect someone that makes me fear them. I only fear someone I don't respect. And fear does not only include abuse.....It also includes fearing control, fearing rejection, fearing love, fearing your not good enough, fearing you'll never be good enough.<P>Like you said....I miss him. I hate him.

#383143 06/01/00 10:13 PM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
Excuse me, but not all male betrayers are arrogant, chauvanistic jerks. Many are just people who made a terrible mistake, accept responsibility for it, and try to repair the damage they did. <P>My husband had a brief affair, but he has ALWAYS been respectful of me and appreciative of the things I do for him. I am also a stay-at-home wife, and he never fails to recognize the value of what I do and the contributions I make in our home. <P>As to your claim that all your "friends" have wives that wait on them hand and foot, perhaps those husbands are the kind of men who make their wives WANT to do things for them out of love and mutual respect.<P>I must agree that your posts have provided a valuable service. My biggest concern about my husband has always been his selfish, thoughtless attitude. But compared to you, my husband is a jewel, an angel, a saint, and a superstar in the marriage world.<P>I cannot imagine the hardships your poor wife has endured. I doubt there is anyone else on this site who is surprised that this woman would not want to have a child or continue in a marriage with a man like you.<P>You need serious counseling, prayer, and anything else that might open your eyes. You came to the wrong place looking for validation of your attitudes, behaviors, and opinions. You came to the right place if you are looking for assistance and guidance in evolving into a good marriage partner. Which were you really looking for?<P>Peppermint

#383144 06/01/00 10:27 PM
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 272
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 1999
Posts: 272
There are also those who have made mistakes in regard to infidelity that believe your thoughts and views about marriage are a little off base, to say the least (I betrayed and my husband did as well). <P>I hate the fact that there are two segments here..I no longer see myself as the betrayer, but a woman in love with her husband that overcame some serious obstacles. You need some help, if what you've said here is what you truly believe. In all honesty (and you need not get defensive like you've done all along) you have some serious growing up to do..."many women would love to be in my wife's shoes"...or something along those lines. What an ego. Obviously, you would understand that this is not conducive to a marriage partner that can contribute anything positive at all to the marriage. If you are truly serious about seeking help here, I would suggest you really do some serious thinking about your views on yourself and marriage. They are skewed, to say the least.<P>Your wife sounds like someone who has been through much, but I would really love to see her posts and what she has to say about all of this.

#383145 06/01/00 10:47 PM
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 2,440
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 2,440
Having a child is a huge responsibility. It takes much more to be a good father than just paying the bills. It is not your wife's "duty" to procreate for you, especially since she made herself very clear before she married you. You don't have a whole lot of respect for your wife, sounds like. Ya know? There is a mind/feelings/soul attached to the uterus you married. <P>

#383146 06/01/00 10:49 PM
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 152
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 152
Poorme<P>I think everyone here has really had a fair shot at you in this thread. As I read through them I don't think any betrayers have responded but I may be wrong. So, here I go. To start with, I hope I am not in the group of thousands of men that you talk about that are just like you. I, like you, am selfish. This is a trait that has been with me for all of my years of life. It is also something that I know I must change if I want to keep my wife. WE BOTH NEED TO TAKE A LOOK AT OURSELVES IN RESPECT TO THAT. <P>As I read your post you made it seem as though you are God's gift to women. I don't think God meant for a man to be a gift to anyone. God created man, then gave him a woman as an equal partner. Have you ever looked at a woman as anything else other than an object?<P>You said women are throwing themselves at your feet to be with you. Well, let's see. I could have women throwing themselves at my feet if I went to a neighboring city and walked down the right street with $500 in my hand. But, is this the kind of woman I would fall in love with? I don't think so. I would bet you right now that if you treated your wife with love, respect, admiration, and care, she would be willing to get you a drink or whatever you needed. Then on the other hand, have you ever considered getting up to get her something? Have you ever considered doing anything special just for her?<P>View your wife, and all women, as an equal. I think your wife would throw herself at your feet, but why would you want her to? I do wish you luck and will finish with this. Take a look at yourself, AND CHANGE.

#383147 06/01/00 11:01 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 41
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 41
Doesn't it sound as if Poorme could be saying the same things about his dog? If she doesn't give me pups or do as I say, I'm not going to invest any more time or money in her. Isn't that what dogs are for after all?..pups! If she doesn't want to give me pups, there are tons of dogs at the dog shelter who will give me pups. After all I own her and it's really all about ME! I don't care if her previous owner abused her, it's really all about ME! Whew...

#383148 06/02/00 12:06 AM
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 198
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 198
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am here because my wife comes here and thought it would be a good place for me to help me decide what to do. When you bash me, when all of you have the same story, it doesn't make sense to me!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>No offense poorme, but apparently there's a reason for it. We're not all clones and if this many people say that your way of thinking is extremely selfish and derogatory, there's seriously a reason for it. We're here to help people. It's not like we're here waiting in the trenches with foaming mouths for someone like you to come along, so that we can feel better about ourselves. It doesn't work that way! Maybe it's time that you do some serious self reflection. <P>I feel sorry for you if you have to spend your entire life with this kind of thinking. It definitely won't be a very productive or happy life. Nobody could ever live up to those expectations. Unless of course you go to Asia and find yourself a Geisha. Apparently, they're still around. Other than that, you're looking for somebody who just doesn't exist. Do you think maybe it's time to make some adjustments in your thinking? Something definitely has to change.<P>Just my two cents. Take it or leave it!<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

#383149 06/02/00 02:02 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 972
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 972
<BR>Poorme, you kinda got in a bee's nest didn't you. Most of the people who come here have been through a lot to save their marriages. <BR>I afraid they see a little bit of their spouses in you.<P>You probably are sincere about wanting help, but you need some basic understanding of real life marriage before you can be helped.<P>You seem to have a very structured view of marriage...husband earns the living and wife takes care of the family and home and takes care of husband's needs(all his needs)...all neat and tidy. <P>There are no entitlements in marriage...a husband does not automatically deserved his wife's waiting on him, providing him with children, keeping the house clean, keeping him sexual satisfied, etc. <P>A woman is a giving nurturing creature when she feels that her contributions are appreciated and her feelings respected. <BR> <BR>If you really want to save this marriage or possibly yourself from similar problems in future relationships, don't run off, stay awhile and read because there's a lot to be learned here about building a good marriage based on love, honesty, mutual respect and good communication.<P> <BR>Buffy

#383150 06/02/00 03:13 AM
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,018
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 1999
Posts: 1,018
GUYS GUYS HOLD ON HOLD ON!! <BR> Did you hear him say that his W COMES HERE!! HIS WIFE IS HERE!!! HE MUST be a good guy or HE WOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE TO GET HELP!! How would you feel if YOUR WS came here and got all this FIRE??????<P> Please try and remember how YOU felt until you LEARNED and GREW!!<BR> Poorme,<BR> YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE. YOU WANT HELP. I saw some progress in your LAST post. You didn't feel loved and you NOW still think your W doesn't love you. AND.... all the chest pounding about other women wanting you. I'm sure it's true but I think DEEP down you really DON'T want ANYONE but YOUR WIFE. Am I right?? <P> Take a deep breath!!! Stall the Divorce and try and be a little less defensive and this place WILL help you save your Marriage and you WILL have the Marriage you always wanted!!<P> I can understand the defensive beginning to your asking for help here. MOST of us have been betrayed and you're feeling a little guilty about doing it to your W. THE WOMAN YOU STILL DO LOVE!! <P> It will take work but mostly it's easy with the right TOOLS!!<BR> AND I'm SURE my brothers and sisters here at MB WILL take a different attitude ONCE YOU let your defenses DOWN and SHOW us what you REALLY want and who you REALLY are. They are really VERY caring and loving people. They don't NEED the WALLS OK?<BR> <BR>I BELIEVE you ARE a good man, or you never would have come here. <P> OK GUYS......... LET'S HELP THIS GUY AND OUR UNKNOWN MB SISTER SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE!!!<P> Come on now...... you KNOW why he said all that crap!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR> Poor me, We really are here for you and don't want YOU to hurt either. RIGHT GUYS?????<P> GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by PLEASE HELP (edited June 02, 2000).]

#383151 06/02/00 09:00 AM
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 164
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 164
Oops! Not sure what happened to my post so nevermind.<p>[This message has been edited by Gonnatry (edited June 03, 2000).]

#383152 06/03/00 12:08 AM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 219
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 219
Dear poorme -<P>If you only need advice, here is my $.02 worth. <P>No, you should not have children. Your marriage is in no shape for it, nor are either of you. <P>Your wife told you up front that she didn't want children, and you married her. Since then, the marriage has not gone very well, and you and she seem to be going back and forth trying to decide what you want. Your wife is trying out the idea of children to see if it changes anything, for you or for her. <P>It won't. <P>Whether you divorce or not, it would be best for you to start doing what people should do after they begin the process of recovering from a major mistake. Figure out what you did to cause the problem, without making apologies or justifications for yourself, and then start changing yourself so that you become aware of yourself when you start doing those things again. Don't expect things to improve until you get a few years of practice in doing this. <P>And you'd best be damn sure that you have improved before you start bringing children into the world. <P>It's called 'growing up', and the best time to start doing it is now.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

#383153 06/02/00 09:32 PM
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
Welcome, Poorme, to the forum. <P>You will glean much insight from the betrayers and betrayed alike. Once you drop the defenses and realize we are very frank with eachother, you will no longer feel singled out. Many come here with excuses in the beginning.<P>What has caused the hard line response from the forum members is the disrespectful judgments about your wife. Some here have perceived your attitude to be arrogant and pompous.<BR>I don't see it that way. I think you are simply trying to convince yourself and your wife and maybe even us that you are quite a catch because deep down you feel that you are 'lacking' and you need to display a false bravado to feel better about yourself. Isn't that what chronic affairs are? A person with low self worth trying to find a way to make themselves feel better about themselves?<P>Perhaps you think you can have 'any cow in the herd', but do you really want to settle for one of them? <BR>The "Other Women" are usually so needy and desperate, they just would never measure up to the quality woman your wife is. Especially when you have a wife you claim is the most beautiful, sexy and intellegent woman you've ever known.<P>Don't be angry with the people here. You have really been pushing our buttons sounding like a exaggerated characature of all our wayward spouses.<P>You will find your soul if you stay here and gain much insight. I hope you'll stay. You may be able to restore your marriage and learn a lot about yourself as well.<P>Good luck<P>Catnip =^^+<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited June 02, 2000).]

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5