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Joined: Apr 2000
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Yesterday H took our child for the day/night. H told me he would not take him around OW. H told me he would not see her til Tuesday. As usual he lied. H took son, OW and OW's child to my Inlaws (FIL told me). I have to pick up child today. How do I handle this. Tell him I know he lied, ignore it, wait to see if he says anything, or what...I want to beat the poop out of him right now. I am so angry and hurt and BETRAYED as usual. H told me 2 weeks ago he would NEVER lie to me again. I did not believe it. Please, those who have handled this type of situation right, what do I do?<P>Thanks,<BR>Kris

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Kris,<P>You know I've been around a while...<P>When I've seen questions like this one posted on the <I>old</I> "Infidelity" forum...<BR>...the general (not always though) response was...<BR>..."Oh you can't do anything about it"<BR>..."Let the kids get adjusted to their new step-parent"<P>More recently... on the "divorcing/divorced" forum...<BR>...the take on things is... that you want to have as limited contact between the children and the OP as much as possible.<P>Does your separation agreement have anything about this (contact with OW) in it?...<P>Some people have been more fortunate in having "contact with a member of the opposite sex having no time (or overnights) with the children"... even after a divorce...<P>...depending on how "liberal" your state is... this may or may not be feasible.<P>I got a restraining order back in July '99... for no overnights... and it was lifted in Jan '00 (why was it lifted... because W and OM were living with each other!)<P>I would argue to fight on this one...<BR>...but it will be preceived as a LB! and<BR>...might be only temporarily available.<P>I tough choice.<P>My values/morals/faith made it a no brainer for me... but everyone has to take in account so many other factors.<P>Praying for a well thought out decision.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

Joined: May 2000
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St. Louis,<BR>yes I know exactly how you feel.<BR>And really there is nothing that will improve the situation. As long as your child is well provided for and safe with your H...you cannot dictate what he does with his life now...separate from you.<BR>I know it hurts. Believe me.<BR>You are the mother and always will be...no matter how much he tries to make it a 'family' scene with the OW. <BR>Hang in there.<BR>Don't give him the satisfaction to freak out on him. Try and be level about it.<BR>He lied to you to prevent you from freaking out on him. Cowardly way of dealing with you. <BR>But I've been in this exact same situation.<BR>You are the better person, and ONLY have your child's welfare at heart.<BR>Remember that.<P>My thoughts are with you...it will pass<P>Lonely

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Funny how these things happen to many of us at the same time.<P>Wifey brought kids back from her weekend last night. They came up the stairs and OPM was carrying my 1 yo daughter. This is the second time I have seen him do this.<P>I went over and took her out of his arms and told him to keep his hands off my daughter. Oh yeah, called him a few choice names, too.<P>What am I going to do about it? Well, I am really torn. I do not want to restrict her access to the kids. I told her and her mother that I would never do that.<P>But there are a number of other legal things that I can do to mess with her. I guess I need to talk to her and see if this will continue. If it does, watch out. Scorched earth, baby.

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If you and he are still legally married, it seems to me that you have plenty to say about this. In my state, that is adultery, adultery, adultery and hurts the H's case in the event of divorce or visitation. I would make sure that he knows that and do everything to get something in writing so that that never happens again.<P>Maybe it is a love bust, but there is nothing more precious than my child and I would not tolerate any whore in the vicinity of my child. It is enough that *I* am put through hell. If my H had the audacity to do that to my children, I would make him pay. <P>Once he is married, you lose all control of course, but if this ends up being just a fling, it's so hurtful to the children. I wouldn't tolerate it.<P>(deep breath) Now having said that, I have to say that I am not in that position, so my views may be more hard line than some.

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SISL-<P>Yep, it happened to me, too. About 2 weeks after DDay H took our D for the day and spent part of it with the OW. I found out that night from our D and he tried to play it off as if she were lying. We had previously agreed she would have no contact WHATSOEVER with the OW. Rather than go balistic (and trust me when I say I was ready to go nuclear on him) I took a moment and began talking to him in a very calm voice. IT WAS VERY TOUGH but I needed to get my point across without him closing up on me (like he would if I yelled). We talked about it for a short time and then he left. He said he had no plans of allowing it to happen again (whatever that means). It ended up taking us 3 days to hash it out. Each day I was calmer and calmer. I never attacked him I just explained my feelings and how it had hurt that he had done this. He seems to understand and hasn't even allowed our D near the OW - that was about 7 weeks ago. <P>Just remember, it may be an LB but you can lessen the negative impact by the way you say it. Don't attack your H for his obviously poor judgement. Remind him about the agreement you two had (no more lies) and talk about your feelings and how it hurt. He may not be sympathetic to you but at least you may feel some relief because you were able to speak your mind calmly.<P>Hope all goes well! I'll be thinking of you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

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Hey Sad,<P>Having been in that position where after separation from my ex, he slapped an order on me to prevent overnight visitors unrelated to my children in my home (not that I was or anything). That was fine until after the divorce and HE wanted to have overnight female visitors. Well he, of course, would lie to me every chance he got about it until I would hear it from the kids. I put my foot down adn told him i would take him to court and enforce it if it continued. <P>From what I can tell, you are still married and what he's doing can get him into a big truckload of trouble, and I would use every avenue of the law I can to straigten this situation out!!

Joined: Dec 1999
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SISL,<P>My H moved in with the OW in December and my children haven't been around her one time. I put my foot down in the beginning and told him it was not allowed. Then we had our temporary support hearing in April and I had it ordered that there would be no contact between the OW and my children. It's not allowed. Of course the same goes for me but right now that's not a problem.<P>Plus my children have told their father that they will ever go around her. When he came and got them last Wednesday, he had to bring his mom's car. The boys had told him they would not even ride in her care.<P>See what can legally be done about it in your state. It doesn't hurt to try.<P>Good luck,<BR>Mitzi

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Lonley, Popeye, Jim, Mitzi, Windy and Molli,<BR>Thanks for all your input. I read everything and try to apply anything that I think will work. Just thought I'd update you.<P><BR>When I picked up my child, I didnt freak out (unusual for me) but I did cry. Just tears. H almost never sees my hurt (I have always been too strong...I am finally realizing needing others is ok...what a life lesson, having to learn it through an affair...) I told him very calmly how much it hurt that he lied again. He got angry and told me I was making too much out of it, he wasnt lying, he knows how I feel about our child being around OW and would not do that to me, that OW had called while he was on the way to parents and needed her car back (she was supposed to be going out of town). H told me when he left with son that he was headed to a friends house to drop off a tux (10miles south - parents and OW live 30miles north). I reminded him he was going to the friends. H then said he had called his parents once he left me about coming over after he went to friends and they asked him to come over first. H tells me he left our house, went to pick up OW and her son (30miles away but only 5min from parents), went to parents with OW (remember, she "called" while he was talking to parents, drove 40 miles south to drop off wedding Tux for friend then went back to where he lives (5min from OW) but had not been planning on seeing her at all on sunday. Im having a hard time with this one and still think he's lying. Why couldnt he go to parents, friends, then pick up OW so she could drop him off 5min later, instead of spending hours with her and our son. Oh Well.<P>We did have lunch and left OW talk in the car. When we left, he started hugging me and would not let go. I started crying (again). God really answers prayers in strange ways. I had broken down on the phone the day before with a girlfriend and told her I hadnt asked anyone to hold me while I cried through my pain. I knew I needed to but was being "too strong". Anyway, God used my husband. He held me until I was done crying. He had never had an occasion to hold me before like that unless I was trying to manipulate the situation. We stood there for about 5 minutes or so then I left. I had given him a card and a letter. In the letter I owned up to things/attitudes in me that he always questioned but I would deny. I know it had to hurt him to read it but my intent was not to wound him but to let him know he had not been "imagining" things in the past. (exa..I did not really accept him for who he was until about 2 years ago, I wanted him to change in many ways..he knew it but I would tell him he was wrong. I am finally able to accept that I had been lying myself about a lot of things.) I am sure the letter has LBing in it but only because I was brutally honest about me. I havent heard from him since and hadnt really expected to. I do believe honesty needs to be at my core from now on. I hate what my refusal to really "see" me has done. The card told him I still want him as my husband, to dream with, grow with...etc. (between you & me by hallmark...great cards)<P>Oh, my laywer said in Missouri, a new ruling just came down weeks ago, my words: we cant legislate morality in this state. We are also a no contest state. Adultry, abandonment... what ever, it doesnt matter and is not necessary for a divorce.<P>Thanks for responding and listening. It really helps.<BR>Kris<P>


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