I've read that there is more of a chance that male betrayers will attempt to reconcile with thier spouse once the affair ends than female betrayers. My question is two fold.... is this true and if so why is it true. Is it because of the feeling that you have finally found out what true love is or too much water under the bridge or that you feel your spouse will not change and you will be subject to the same ol stuff you had to put up with before or what.....

Wow, I do think that's very true. Well I know for a fact that if the om and I had not ended up together I would not have even wanted to make it work with my ex. Honestly, if for some reason I had wanted to work it out with my ex, I think the om would have stayed with his wife. For me, the love I had for my ex was so dead that I had no desire to even consider staying married even if there wasn't om. In fact, during the time that my ex and I were seperated I become more determined to divorce. I was finding out that I was capable of supporting myself and my kids and being out of the marriage changed my entire outlook on life. With men however, they have more to loose if they divorce. Most of the time it's the woman that ends up with the kids and usually it's not a 50/50 deal. Some states have child support guidelines and can leave the paying spouse poverty stricken. In instances like this, the man has a lot more to loose if he proceeds with divorce. With women usually getting the majority of the custody, working full-time jobs and higher child support payments they are not as afraid to be on their own. Just my opinion.

Bonniesept....<BR>Very interesting reply. Can I ask what your story is? Did you and your husband separate while you were with OM and then did you end up with OM? Was your OM married with children and if so, did he also move toward a divorce to be with you? <BR>Thanks....just curious.<BR>

There is an article by Harley entitled "Why Women Leave Men" that addresses this issue. To summarize (and generalize) women tend to be the relationship-builders, especially early on in the marriage. They are usually the ones who put the most effort into the relationship. When there is little or no response to that from the husband, over time a woman might just give up. When that happens there isn't much holding the relationship together anymore. I guess a woman gets to a point where she feel she has been trying for a long time and she just gives up totally.<P>From what I've seen on this site, there are betrayers who never really voiced their discontent with the relationship and then one day announce it by having an affair. The spouse is totally surprised by it. Then there are betrayers who do voice their complaints over the years, work hard at trying to communicate and improve the relationship, but the spouse doesn't really "hear" or respond (they tend to be conflict avoiders). It seems like women betrayers are often in the second group - that is they are verbal about their discontent, but the husband doesn't seem to believe it is serious enough to change. So, that may be why women are more reluctant to turn around.<P>These, of course, are generalizations. There are plenty of women betrayers on this site (I am one) who do stay and work at reconciling and building a better marriage. It is a hard, intentional choice, but usually motivated by the belief it is the best/right thing to do for all involved and with the hope of building something beautiful. If you are in this situation with your wife, give her reasons to want to reconcile, as I see many betrayed men here trying to do with their wives.<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 13, 2000).]

I don't know if your question is true or not. In my experience (I was the betrayer), the XOM gave me so much attention and understanding which my H was not giving me at the time. It began as an EA and turned into a PA unintentionally (on my part, anyway). I got so wrapped up in the passion, and I really thought I was in love w/the OM. <P>I think one answer to your question is that w/men (NOT ALL) it is more sexual than emotional. I think in some ways men can just get over it, because it was physical. I know a few years ago, my H had a PA, a one time thing, and once he realized he might lose me, then he realized he screwed up and it wasn't worth it. He wasn't in love w/her, he was just stupid and gave in to lust. Whereas, for me, I was so attached to XOM emotionally, that it was more difficult for me to get past. And true, while I was in the affair, I felt like I should be w/OM, but couldn't give up my H.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mkn:<BR><B> Is it because of the feeling that you have finally found out what true love is or too much water under the bridge or that you feel your spouse will not change and you will be subject to the same ol stuff you had to put up with before or what.....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I also think part of the reason women don't stay is because of spouse not changing, like you said. But also because of guilt towards their H that they can't get past. I think women are more forgiving than men, which makes it more likely for a woman to take back her WS than a man. Just some cases, not all of them! <BR>Like I said before, I thought I was in love w/OM. Many women do find what they think is true love and try to be w/OM for that reason. <P>Just giving you some ideas and insight on my situation.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BonnieSept:<BR><B>Well I know for a fact that if the om and I had not ended up together I would not have even wanted to make it work with my ex. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bonnie, <BR>I'm kind of opposite of you. I felt if my H and I hadn't stayed together, then I'd be w/XOM. But, my H and I decided to work through it and stay married. Still to this day, though, if I wasn't w/my H (if he left me or died, etc.), I would be w/OM. That sounds bad, but that's how I feel deep down. I don't know if that means I'm not completely over XOM or what. ???? <BR>

I agree with the above post about women feeling they are in love with the om or they are in love with the other man. I think more women become involved in affairs that become extremely emotional where a man (some men) have an affair that can be based more on the physical aspect of it only. I think society still frowns more on women just jumping in and out of beds then they do men. I think when a woman has an affair it starts out being emotional only which of course is nearer and dearer to the heart then just being physical. A man may jump right to the physical without reaching the emotional part of the affair yet. Which means, they don't love the ow and are able to seperate love and lust. I think it's harder for women to seperate the two. Obviously this isn't always true because there are a lot of men on this board that suffer tremendously because of an emotional affair that they had.<P>Wings, in answering your questions. Yes, I did meet the om while married to my first husband. yes, we both divorced and married each other.

Hi Momma, Siftedlikewheat...how are you both doing?<P>Sifted...I totally agree with what you wrote about why women leave men. I always love to read what you write...very articulate! <P>What you wrote is quite true for me. Have tried so long to connect to my husband and he still doesn't understand my needs that way. So when I became emotionally involved with someone who did meet those needs in more ways then I've ever known, I fell hard. <P>OM was talking of divorcing his wife, but he won't abandon his children, and I respect that. He's also got a lot of issues in his own heart, anger and bitterness resulting from a painful childhood, (as do I) so our going from one dysfunctional marriage right into another was not the answer for either of us. We understand each other because we're both so much alike. At least we are still friends....though distant at best.

Thank you for your posts... I believe that my wife will never regret her decision wether or not the om is there or not. In fact she said a number of times that he was not the issue and that she was leaving with or without him. I think looking back on it (now that I am off the poor me platform) that I was one of them that was being told but was not listening. I had way too much confidence in the relationship or was very arrogant. We have been separated since November waiting for the divorse to be final. I know there really is no chance I have just been wondering this for a long time. Thanks again for your responses

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wings:<BR><B>OM was talking of divorcing his wife, but he won't abandon his children, and I respect that. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No disrespect intended, but the <B>"I would divorce my wife if it wasn't for the kids"</B> is an old, old line that married men have been using on women for ages. It somewhat surprises me that it still works<P>There is a post on the Recovery page titled, "Do your spouse read your postings", or something to that effect, and it discusses this a little.

FA...<BR>I appreciate your comment...and though I used that "line" there is certainly more to it than that. <BR> No, in this case that was not the line he used...it was just something I considered myself since I am a child of divorce. I actually said it to him...and we mutally agreed that children are an important consideration...<BR> <BR>By the way...just read your postings about "religious beliefs." I too thought we were here to support and encourage one another....however your comment to me was neither supportive nor encouraging. <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by wings (edited June 13, 2000).]

I left my H because of my A with the OM. But it was a general hatred with life, my H was part of it and so was the OM. I really loved that OM and it floored me when I met his W. I felt like sh*t. My H may have hated me and treated me badly, but he was always honest, brutally, painfully honest. The OM made it seem like he was unhappy with his W when she was as close to perfect as you can get except she was older, by 20 years than me.<P>My relationship with my H was at rock bottom before the A. I should have left him then. It took an A to push me over the edge.<P>After the OM and my H, I just wanted to die. I had left my child behind. My H wouldn't have let her come with me anyway and I knew she was safe, though others would question my judgement.<P>If she weren't there with my H, I doubt I would have come back.