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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 78
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It seems that when my wife and I begin to make a little progress in a positive direction and we have made some, that I get caught with my guard down and lovebust.<P>Last night I got uptight over the fact that my wife went to a meeting at her job and I didn't care for the way she dressed. I felt her attire was inappropriate for a job related meeting. Tank top and shorts. I let her know by asking if she thought it was appropriate. She became upset that I was insinuating that she was playing up to her boss. I have been jealous and insecure about the nature of their relationship since January. This has caused major trouble in our relationship; especially since she annouced to me that she had no passion or wasn't in love with me anymore.<P>Why do I fall backwards when it seems we make any progress? I seem not to be able to control my insecurity.<P>I apoligized to her for my commnets and told her I was being unfair. She admittted to me that she is trying to steer clear of her boss so as not to cause me distress.<P>Why do we as rejected spouses feel this intense insecurity? How do we move past it and gain a stable foothold on our emotions? Can we without reconciliation? Why do we want such quick resolution and why do our spouses seem so reluctant to give us the kind of reassurance we need? What is wrong with me?

Joined: Mar 2000
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See this short thread:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003390.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003390.html</A> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Scandinavian<BR>scandinavian@my-deja.com

Joined: Aug 1999
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john, I don't think that there is anything wrong with you, sometimes our spouses do and say some of the most thoughtless things possible that hurt us and we react, that's only human to do so. Sometimes our reactions to the things that they say and do would be considered lovebuster's, but I do believe, contrary to what is stated on the MB website, that sometimes our spouses need to know how much they hurt us sometimes, sometimes they need to know that despite our efforts to make our marriages work, we too are human beings with thoughts and feelings, and things that they say and do, do in fact cause us pain.

Joined: May 1999
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Hey John,<P>Boy, do I know what ya mean about the progress and falling back.<P>Val has given me many opportunities to show the "new and improved Medic" I just keep messing them up and losing ground.<P>I don't know if it's sub conscious that I'm trying to sabotage a reconsiliation or if I'm just really a horse's [censored]. The jury is still out on that one.<P>I'm going to stay with Plan A and not be concerned with her words. I will look at her actions. <P>She has given me so many hints as what to do and I just don't pick up on them. I did fall down the cellar steps as a child. Long term effects?<P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

Joined: Mar 2000
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The filter is it true, is it kind, is it neccessary is good. I wish I would of had that in my mind last night and many times before.<P>I feel like I am trying to hard to be kind, gentle and friendly and it just seems to suck up all my energy. I am contemplating getting away for a long while to give space and time to the relationship. No contact. But my kids will suffer and I am not sure I would prefer being away from them.<P>I would like to build some inner strength some how. I am having a difficult time focusing on me and not the relationship. Funny thing is, that before this trouble I focused on myself quite easily to the detriment of the marriage. Now I am forgetting myself and lurching after the relationship. What does that say?<P>Saving myself and my dignity may be the order of the day. I have lost myself in the quagmire. Sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. I seem to push my own buttons and yet don't recognize the buttons that I am pushing. How do we grab ourselves back and gain an original perspective on the relationship? Then recomitt to building a better relationship.<P>Would it be wrong to propose to my wife that we re-think the entire relationship, set goals, establish deliberate communication and intimacy and practice love?<P>Any thoughts.

Joined: Nov 1999
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Hi John Meade,<BR> As difficult as it is,the way to start to have consistent movement in a positive direction is to realize we cannot CONTROL any part of our spouses part in the relationship. We have to let go and let God.<P>Disapproving of your wife's choice in clothing ended up a big LB.....she felt you were trying to control her.Stop it! She has agreed to go to Retrouvaille with you soon. I urge you to ease up.Let her be for a bit before your weekend. In that way she will be able to see her new and improved H much clearer,instead of having recent recollections of you trying to control her and the direction in which the relationship goes. That is a stifling feeling for WS,one that makes the relationship seem claustrophobic.Relax a little.Pray a lot! Plan A big time between now and then. Remove yourself from the situation if you feel the least bit like LBing. Remember, put off no negative vibes between now and your weekend.Hang in there. I know how hard it is.


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