Hi.<P>I haven't posted here in a while, but I have been lurking.<P>Today is Saturday. This is the first Saturday in weeks that my husband and I have not had someplace to go or something to do. <P>My husband is asleep on the couch. As I watched him sleep for a few minutes, I wondered how I could have betrayed such a beautiful human being (beautiful inside and out). I wondered how I became so wrapped-up in myself that I forgot about the man who loved me so much that he stood in front of God and our friends and family to make promises to me. I made promises to him, but I broke them.<P>On most days, the ugliness of what I did seems far away. But today, the ugliness is very real and very near.<P>Many years ago when my grandmother was young, she cheated on my grandfather. My grandfather had suffered an injury that left him pretty helpless in lots of ways. My grandmother got dressed-up on Saturday nights and left my grandfather so that she could go and find other men. When I first learned of her affairs, I detested her. I remember thinking, "How could she have done that to my grandfather??" He was helpless and she took advantage of that helplessness. I'm no better. While my husband was "asleep" emotionally and unaware of our marriage problems, I cheated on him. Wow...I can't believe that more than a year ago, I was the person who was capable of such horrible things...<P>Anyway, those are my thoughts today...I just needed to share that...<P>Otherwise, my marriage is slowly but surely improving. Sure, there are still struggles, but I think that everything will be alright.<P>Peace to all,<P>Jill<P>NoMas...[censored]...Lacee...Where are you??? How are you???

Hi Jill....boy can I relate to that!<P>It comes in waves, doesn't it?<P>Other than that, how are you doing? You have been so strong in all of this...<BR>

Hi Jill,<P>It is good to hear from you. I am glad you are doing better. I hope the improvement continues.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Jill,<P>What a wonderful person you are to work for you and your H to come together again and to move foward. I can tell you mean it because you said you were watching him sleep. That must fell good for both of you and don't forget to tell him you were watching!<P>I hope one day soon my W will come to the same realization that you did. May I ask how long it took?<P>Love and Prayers for Both of You!!<P>J W

Jill,<P>Don't hate yourself... or beat yourself up...<P>You are a wonderful person...<BR>...who made a mistake!<P>If we all carried around with ourselves all the mistakes of our lives...<BR>...the world would be ugly and mean.<P>I still think you are waiting for the time to tell you H about the affair...<BR>...to alleviate your guilt...<P>How about some joint counseling?...<P>I'm sure he's seen the changes in you already...<BR>...and that's the first step.<P>Now... get him on board... to the "make yourself a better spouse" train.<P>---------------------------------------------<P>You know we love you... lurker or not!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Jill...<BR>There are times...when I wonder...if I will ever ....have the same exprience as you did today...as you saw your husband there on the couch. I wonder if I will be able to stand the guilt and remorse that awaits me.<P>I am not doing much better....same old place. I just posted a lengthy letter to "tootrusting" on her thread asking "schizzo" about "breaking barriers". You can read that if you want....<P>Tell me....what does coming back and lurking do to your heart to read the ongoing saga's of so many people here...who share a common story.<P>Is it just me...or is there an increasing number of "betrayers" that are coming here...looking for help?