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<BR>Hi Everyone -<P>Well, some of you are inquiring how I have managed to do this and be "up".....here's your chance to follow the process!!<P>I went to the lawyers...made me wait an hour after being so swift in giving me attention after my bash letter.....hmprh!!<P>Any way.......<P>Nothing changed as far as where I am at....all the laws I found were applicable within the first 60 days after his filing..no real explanations given as to why I was not informed - just a lot of BS!!!!!!<P>Basically, sorry but screwed again!!!!! <P>I explained that my #1 concern is Medical Benefits as I have no foreseeable guarantee of having them through employment. I told her of my proposal to H and the reason for his refusal (peer pressure!) <P>I also told her of not signing anything that says Irreconsilable Differences.....<P>She'll "see what she can do"...Isn't that nice of her!!! What the f%@# has she been doing all along? ARGH!!!!<P>I said that I do not want a trial, I am basically getting what I would come out with so why continue......<P>I left there and started home..<P>Tears started falling and I really wasn't sure why exactly.<P>Was it because of the stress of this court stuff....<P>Was it my "green light" for the ending of this ........<P>Was it the not knowing why from H's mouth........<P>Was it the frustration of having to follow the path of endearment rather than allowing myself a super duper hissy fit with him!!!!<P>I just prayed.....I said, "God - JUST TELL ME!!!! SHOW ME!!!! SOMETHING.......ANYTHING!!!!<BR>Let me know where I am at and where I am going!!!! PLEASE!"<P>So, I drive up the highway heading home.....next thing I know I am getting off at H's exit and heading to his condo....I remember thinking - "I need a hug!!!!"<P>It was like being in a fog myself.....sorta blurry and in slow motion, ya know?<P>Lo and Behold - guess who is coming towards me on his motorcycle? Yep, and he was NOT ALONE!!!! Clutching on to MY HUSBAND is this little tootsie!!!<P>Don't know if this was the OW or another laydy, doesn't matter really........<P>I am not sure if he saw me or not, although how he could miss my clunker car is beyond me. Then again, he isn't to "with it" these days!!! <P>By the time I turned around to go back the way I came - he was long gone!!!<P>I can't describe what I felt....<P>This was the very first time in the three years of his infidelity that I have actually seen him with another girl....<P>I was slammed in the gut, but surprisingly very calm at the same time......<P>I let out one big gutwrenching cry of pain....cried very hard and then just stopped!!! No more tears, no more pain....just a sort of "OK, now I know what to do" kind of thought.<P>I said Thank You to God and drove home.......<P>This divorce needs to happen...<P>H has his mind tuned into it and lost in the infidelity and "live for the moment" attitude.<P>What I have attempted all this time has had an effect...deep inside of him. He will not, however dig that deep until he learns his own lessons his way!!<P>He chose his route and is sticking to it....there is nothing that I can do except continue to be ME!!!<P>Divorce is paper......Marriage is a sacrament. In my mind I kept all my vows to him and will continue loving and understanding the man I know him to be.<P>If that man ever returns, is another story!!!!<P>I am actually very grateful that I have been led to this site...I don't like how I got here, but I am all the better for it. <P>I am blessed!!!!!<P>I don't know what H will do with "us" in the future, if anything. I do know that either way the road goes - I will be able to handle it!!!<P>THAT IS what MB accomplishes best - getting US ready to handle "whatever" happens!!!<P>That is what you all should be working on.....not just the spouse focus, but the YOU focus!!<P>If you don't, then you cannot achieve the understanding and calmness when the winds of hell are raging around you!! YES it hurts, yes you get angry, YES, you want it to go away.....<P>When you can say, YES, I can handle this......that's when you are healing and gaining strength!!<P>I will continue to learn, grow and heal - I hope always!!!!<P>Big Hugs,<P>Sheba

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Sheba,<P>I am thankful that GOD reached out and "spoke" to you. He does care for us, especially when we are hurting. It is good to cry out to Him. You will grow and be healthier. God can bring good out of it for YOU, despite the choices your husband makes. He is not limited by others in our lives.<P>I am on the other side (betrayer, but returned/returning), but today I have also asked God to show me some hope. Give me a picture, too, of what seems like an endlessly frustrating situation. That turns my attitude from despair to expectancy. He is the "lover of our souls" - when we feel we don't have a lover.<P>PS - right now I'm listening to:<P>"There is none like YOU, Lord, <BR>No one else can touch my heart like You do<BR>I could search for all eternity long <BR>And find there is none like YOU<P>Your mercy flows like a river wide<BR>Healing comes from Your hand<BR>Suffering children are safe in Your arms<BR>There is none like YOU"<P>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 26, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 26, 2000).]

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Oh Sheba...we don't always get the answers we want, but it will all work out, somehow, for the best.<P>Only have a minute...I'm thinking about you and oh so proud to be your friend!

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{{{{{{{{{{{SHEBA}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Sometimes God answers in ways we don't expect.<P>You are at peace with who you are and all you have done...<P>There may still be some bumps, but I think you are doing very well...<P>I finally spoke to a good friend of yours, she thinks you're a peach. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

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<B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SHEBA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>I know it's hard, but don't you feel a little bit of relief too? I know I did. It was like God had healed a part of my soul so I could accept what was happening, what needed to happen. <P>It still hurts like the dickens, but it does get better gradually. <P>Keep your chin up, and if you need some comic relief, come over to the "mega thread" on D/D. <P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>B

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Boy Sheba,<P>You must have a direct line to God. He sure answered you quick enough. <P>You know, you get to that point in this situation where you feel you've experienced the worse and not much more bad can come your way that can chink your newly developed armor, and after all that you see your okay and pretty proud of yourself for making it this far .... then BOOM!<P>I've never seen my H with any other woman either. I can't imagine it. I have only had bad dreams of them together and it's very disturbing. Hangs with me the rest of the day. It must have been so surreal for you Sheba, to see them together. Sorry, so sorry.<P>Your decision was a hard one to make and I believe you followed your heart. I admire your courage in chosing the road less traveled. I pray that when and if I'm ever faced with such a difficult decision, I'll have the same courage and love in me.<P>You're truly to be admired Sheba. God Bless you for your giving heart and loving ways.<P>Prayers,<BR>Joanne<P><BR>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited June 26, 2000).]

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Sheba,<P>I know that from all you have said that you really gave this your all and you can look at yourself each day knowing what you did to try and save your marriage. I am probably not the one to be giving advice I am just giving you support.<P>This may be Gods way of having you move on and then things may change when the divorce gets closer. <P>My thoughts are with you.

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{{{{{{{{{{{{sheba}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I finally found those brackets!<P>Always have faith Sheba..<P>"It is important to gain self-knowledge as part of spiritual growth--to know yourself and believe in yourself means you can know and believe in God. Knowledge of yourself produces humility, and knowledge of God produces Love."<P>The Tree of Self-Defeat<P>In the branches: emptiness, alienation, <BR> apathy, interpersonal<BR> conflicts, crime <BR> dependency<BR>In the roots: Fear, insecurity<BR> resentment, jealousy<BR> mistrust, hostility guilt<BR> self-pity<P><BR>The Tree of Self-Realization<P>In the branches: Purposefulness, health<BR> joy, self-motivation<BR> contentment, acceptance<BR> fulfillment, creativity\\<P><BR>In the roots: charity, friendship<BR> forgiveness, love<BR> gratitude, kindness<BR> warmth trust<P><BR>from Mother Teresa--Meditations from A Simple Path!!!

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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SHEBA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>

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Sheba,<P>I don't know what to say. Can I just offer a hug to you while you are in pain? hug hug hug hug hug. <P>I do know that when I have a divine revelation, it doesn't come the minute I ask for it. It comes very gently. God is gentle. <P>And, I know you are looking for guidance desperately, but signs and wonders don't always come from God, so be very careful, okay? <P>Getting on my knees to say prayer for you today, my friend. All the cyber love and hugs in the world to you.<P>TnT

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Sheba,<P>I think maybe that this was God's way to protect you from further hurt down the road. I used to think that I would only succeed if I got what I wanted...my H back and a great, new marriage. Now I think that maybe in his wisdom, God will protect me. How do I know that H will not hurt me terribly ten years from now? Maybe that is His way of protecting us. I know I could not go through this again, and my H knows this too.<P>You have faced the worst, and you are still here, living and living well. I admire your strenght, and hope that if I don't "get what I want" that I can see the reasons why also.<P>allison

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{{{{{{{{{SHEBA}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

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Sheba:<P>"When God wants to hurt us he answers our prayers." Do you believe this is how God operates?<P>The reality is you saw your H with another W. Sure it came at a bad time...if there is a "good" time... a pivotal time...Could be just happenstance...a matter of luck. <P>I've see my husband with OW one time that stands out in my mind...going into a bar together...her with a skirt that barely covered her butt and five inch heels...should I have taken that as a sign that he was lost to me. No I took it for what it was...my crazy H lost in his fog.<BR>No one can convince me that is God's will.<P>Sheba, you've been so strong during all this and such an inspiration to so many and if this thing comes to a divorce then so be it.<BR>You're right, divorce is just a piece of paper, not the end all of a marraige. All is not lost as long as you still believe.<P>This too shall pass...but here's the hug you need right now.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Sheba}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Buffy<P><BR>

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Sheba,<P>You've reached the point, the point where you know the answer! That's great. Congratulations, but please don't leave us here. There are a lot of people who could use your strength, experience and thoughfulness.<P>I have always thought that the one last loud verbal, cry and outpouring of emotion was the last part to go, as the love finally leaves your body, and you are free to go on.<P>I always figured that's what it would feel like.<P>take care, big hugs,<P>thl

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Sheba, Sometimes God just gives us information. Light shines on deeds done in the dark.<P>I was reminded of what happpened to us this past Feb., H had left the month before & I felt I was done with the marriage...but I went with him to our counselor, because that is what H wanted. Later in the day, after seeing the counselor & having things go ok, I stopped by H's office. There he was, writing an email to the OW. I took it as a "sign", but you know my story a little, my H really is done with the OW, he really does want the marriage. But seeing the email, I didn't believe it and I served him divorce papers.<P>The actions I took in Feb & Mar are making this recovery much more difficult. Keep your sanity just a little while longer... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] and ask God to further reveal what he wants you to do with the information you saw with your own eyes.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

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Sheba Offline OP
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You folks are all so great..Thank you for your hugs, support and caring.<P>I think I have to clarify some things though....<P>This "revelation" only served to calm my fears, thoughts and anxieties about the "divorce" itself.....it brought together the shattered pieces of my spirit about the sanctity of the vows I took before God. What I was praying for in the car was based on the spiritual torment I have had for so long.<P>In other words....the realization of this being H's path to take and needing the time to take it. He is stuck until he starts those steps on his own journey that God intends and only the piece of paper he craves will "unstick" him enough to begin......<P>I know this is a little heavy, but I told you it was hard to explain!! It was like God giving me the OK to let this paper of man start healing our souls......<P>I have not "given up" or anything on my love for him......that is not something that you can do, or at least I can't. He is a part of who I am, if I lose "love" for him.....I lose love for myself!!! Feelings can morph to affection or fondness - but that is still love!!!!!<P>As far as moving on....I have moved on throughout this whole ordeal, because I am moving forward with myself. That is truly "moving on".....<P>As for our "relationship", most of you know that I go with what I feel....<P>Sometimes good, sometimes bad perhaps. But never regretful!!!! <P>I will continue any interactions with a plan A basis....after all, it is simply being nice!!! If I can be nice to a stranger - I can surely be nice to someone I love!!!!<P>I want H to learn and grow from this, that won't change either. I want him to realize what he needs to and would love for him to figure out that what he is searching for can be found and accomplished with me be his side.<P>He has to come to that conclusion, however and I can only lay the foundation with love and belief in him.<P>So, you see...for those who might have thought that I was tossing in my hat on this relationship (I don't throw towels!! LOL!), not a chance!!! I <BR>don't even wear a hat!!!! LOL!!!<BR>Oops, sorry that's a lie....I have a Yankees cap, but of course, would NEVER throw that anywhere!!<P>It's just "moved on" to a different level. I actually feel some more weight lifted.....like when he left. It's now going to be a time when we can communicate with nothing over our heads. Not the lawyers, not the people and all the thoughts they throw out like "she's gonna screw you over", etc.<P>Finally...Maybe....some peace!!!! Enough to break down the self-protection walls that surround each of us anyway!! Then we can get back to being just plain old Sheba and plain old H.....not adversaries or baggage carriers.<P>Court garbage lifted, settlement garbage lifted, "did you talk to your lawyer?" over and done with.....<P>Do you understand what I mean?<BR> <BR>I do still fully intend (and have started..er....restarted) on giving H a letter. In it I do say that I believe that I am his wife before God - nicely, but firmly!! <P>Something came to me today that I never realized before.....don't know why because I should have.......<P>My brother was divorced about 12 years ago....his wife wanted it and changed her mind three times (right at the courthouse) before my brother had enough I guess and it went through.....<P>He met someone a few years later, she met and married only a year or two after. <P>My brother and his girlfriend have been living together the past 8 years or so.<BR>She has had a rocky marriage - police called, trouble getting pregnant, the whole bit. <P>It occurs to me that maybe the reason my brother (who wanted children) has chosen to remain single is because he, too, still feels the weight of the sacrament of marriage.....<P>Hmmmmm? I will have to ask him....<P>OK, prattling done.......<P>FHL - still proud of me?<P>BIG HUGS and not to worry...or dread?, but I am not going anywhere. Probably a lifer!!!! LOL!!!! A lifer for learning that is!!!!<P>Sheba<P> <P> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited June 26, 2000).]

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I am!<P>Luv ya!<P>Lori

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Sheba Offline OP
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Thank You Lori.....for everything!!<P>I love you, too!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

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Sheba-God had given you a gift that is so precious. You might not realize it but I think of you as someone who has the gift of healing. You always manage to make other feel so good and help us all to understand what we are going thru. <P>perhaps your one of our gaurdian angels.<P>Your always in my thoughts....

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Sheba:<P>I'm glad I didn't get a chance to add my thoughts until your second post on this thread. I was going to give you a slight lecture.<P>Since your head is on straight (as usual), I'll write this for others in the same predicament. It is my very strong opinion that seeing the wayward spouse with the OP changes NOTHING. Yes, it is a visual confirmation of what we already know. As such, it provokes an instantaneous emotional response. But, I'll stress the word EMOTIONAL. It is not a RATIONAL response because it is not new information. Emotional responses are not to be trusted. It's that basis for decision-making that got our waywards into this mess to begin with.<P>It is my experience over two years of this **** that my rapid, emotional reactions NEVER LAST. Seriously. While I ride the roller coaster with all of the rest of us, I keep coming back to the same place after a few days of craziness every month or two. That's because the underlying goals and the reason I'm doing all this do not change, even with the garbage that temporarily throws me off course.<P>Sheba, as you stated eloquently, there's a big difference between acceptance/letting go and giving up. The first gives you freedom, relief from owning the problem which is 100% your husband's at this point. You can walk with a high head knowing that you have integrity and strong values, and you will never be ashamed of your actions. There is no substitute for that feeling, which our waywards may never have again in their lives.<P>You may never truly give up and I may not either. But we will let go, we will forgive, and we will move on when we feel the time is right. We will pursue our own lives.<P>I think you're very strong and have great wits about you. I'm sure this was a very hard day for you but it says an awful lot about your strength the way you have quickly recovered.

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