While we were on a little trip this past weekend, I thought I'd steer conversation toward memories of good feelings and important milestones.<P>I asked H how he felt the first time he saw our son (our 1st child). He said, "How should I know? That was almost 29 years ago!"<P>???????????????????<P>My question to you is this: Do [b}you[/b] remember how you felt the first time you ever saw your first child?<P>I'm really having trouble understanding this, because to me, this was such an awesome time in our lives...seeing our very own child for the first time, after spending months wondering what he/she would look like, etc. I remember exactly how I felt...in fact, I remember feeling that way for every child we had, even our precious stillborn babies. When I was holding our last little stillborn daughter, I can remember my H saying, softly, "Oh, you're so beautiful." This man is absolutely crazy about our kids, so how can he NOT remember how he felt when they were born?<P>I didn't ask him how he felt when our living daughter was born, as he was awful to me during that whole pregnancy and even acted so cold to me as I was in labor. He wouldn't even hold her or give her a bottle her after we got home (he was real hands-on with our son ), until I pitched a conniption fit and told him how I felt about it. He got better after that. Also, people were always telling him how much she looked like him (still does!), so he soon became besotted by her and spoiled her rotten. <P>I now believe that his behavior toward me changed at that time because he was probably already cheating. <P>So, <B>do</B> you remember how you felt? Do you think my H really doesn't remember or is he trying to avoid emotional intimacy with me?<P>Bear in mind that this man, not too long ago was telling me about his two pet "racist" roosters that his parents killed and fried because the roosters would hide behind the hedges and attack kids of a different race as they passed (parents were afraid of being sued). He had tears in his eyes as he told me that he didn't eat a bite of those chickens. Can you see why I'm so puzzled by him? He remembers how he felt about those roosters, but he can't remember how he felt when he saw his children for the first time?

Sweatpea,<P>You have asked a very difficult question, I think. I remember each of my 3 children's birth, but I don't remember how I felt. You must understand men are bystanders when the actual birth takes place. If anything they are more worried about the mother.<P>We tend to attach to children after they are born and realize they may be ours. You must also understand that while you know for sure the baby is yours, men don't know that the baby is theirs. <P>I saw a show on TV just the other night, about men and women, and one of the things they have just found out,is that children often look like their Dads and that this identification is most often made by the Mothers side of the family.<P>This is explained in the show as one of natures ways of balancing the score so to speak so that men will attach to the child. It also was suggested that this had the other social significance that the H would accept the child, although apparently many children born are not the fathers. (Many being some signigicant percentage like 10%. I have seen differing numbers.)<P>Now I am not saying your H was consciously worrying about this, but the point is made in the show and by many other people, that men don't attach to children until they are born. Women can hold the child in vitro but men must wait until birth.<P>I wouldn't attach much to your H's lack of memory about this. He was a bystander in the event. You know I have often said that the definition of useless is: "A father in a delivery room." Everyone else is busy and Dad is just trying to stay out of the way.<P>I guess I am a romantic or just a product of the old movies I saw as a boy. The fathers pacing around in the waiting room, somehow seemed more appropriate than being in the delivery room. Having said that I am glad I got to witness my children,s birth.<P>If you really want to get frustrated ask men what the newborn looked like. You will get something like "Winston Churchill". Mothers all think they are beautiful. <P>So hey we are different, because we have different roles. Cut your H some slack, I suspect he isn't that unusual.<P>Hope this helps.<P>JL

I absolutely remember both - 15 & 9 years ago.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sweetpea:<BR><B>My question to you is this: Do [b}you</B> remember how you felt the first time you ever saw your first child?<BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I thought he needed to be ironed.<P>Then he peed on me.<P>As someone else said, Dads sort of kick on later with the full emotional reaction. To me, it was when they could catch a ball and talk. <P>I don't think your H's reaction was abnormal.<P>Ask him the proudest moment he's had as a father. I'll bet you get a slew of good answers.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 03, 2000).]

Thanks, guys, but I'm not sure JL and Mike got what I meant.<P>I wasn't asking my H if he felt an immediate bond with our son or if "he fell in love" with him the moment he laid eyes on him.<P>JL, I guess it may be an instinctive thing for a man to not be sure, or wonder if, his child is actually HIS at first.<P>However, I remember my H as being very excited over the impending birth of our son..he was very anxious to have a boy, as we were the last of our group of friends to have a baby, and they were teasing him that he would have to be the one to have a daughter, as they already had the boys. And, like I said, he was very "hands-on" with our son...holding and feeding him, and changing diapers....yes, even the "yucky" ones. And, by the time they got the baby assessed, weighed, and cleaned up to show him (this was before fathers were allowed in the delivery room in our small town), I was already on my way back to my room, so he knew I was OK.<P>He was thrilled over the birth, and I know it, so why can't HE remember what he thought and felt the first time he saw him? <P>I only got a glimpse of our son (without my glasses on!) in the delivery room before they gassed me again (The anesthesiologist gassed me as soon as I got into the delivery room to keep me from pushing the baby out before the doc got there!). My first thought was, "Oh, he's so fat!" When I saw him again the next day, I was shocked to see this incredibly SKINNY (22" long, 6 lb. 3 oz.) baby, who really didn't look all that pretty (looked like skin and bones to me!) But, I loved him anyway! By the time he was 6 weeks old, he weighed over 12 lbs. and was absolutely beautiful! <P>I think that my problem is that I found my husband's response to the question to be somewhat....callous (sp?). I know he loves our son with all his heart, so that's not it.<BR>And, yes, he's very proud of our son....even though he doesn't understand why our son put up with his philandering ex-wife's back and forth antics for so long. Go figure THAT!! <P>As for when our daughter was born, that was not a good time, so I wasn't about to ask him how he felt the first time he saw her. I don't even think he went to look at her in the nursery until his brother brought our son to the hospital to see his baby sister. The first two weeks of her life, he would barely even look at her. Once he finally did start having something to do with her, he fell in love all over again.<P>And, he was there with me when we delivered our two stillborn daughters...that was during the long spell where we were both happy with each other, and I truly felt that he was "in love" with me. I saw his tears and felt the love he had for those babies.

Sorry Sweetpea,<P>I guess I did miss the point, but I really don't recall what I felt when the children were born. I suppose relief but also concern for my obligations. <P>But you know I can see each birth as it happened and I really don't recall what I felt. Maybe more shocked by it all than I recall, been a few years. 13 for the latest and 20 for the oldest. Of course I am getting older, . All I do remember was staying out of the way, during the events. <P>The last one was a riot, he was delivered in the labor room that had a couch in it. Here is all of this going on, the boy was coming fast, and I am sitting on the couch. It felt really weird, felt like there should have been a football game on or something. From 1st contraction to delivery was just over 1 hour. Far cry from the first one with 16 hour labor. So yes I remember details but not what I felt.<P>So I guess my take is I am not surprised.<P>I hope this makes you feel a little better. Your H was probably not more spaced than I was. <P>Take care,<P>JL

Sweetpea,<BR>I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the most spectacular thing I ever experienced because I was in the delivery room and I got to see everything. I even remeber the doctor giving her the episiotome (sp). <P>That was about 13.5 years ago. I remember when our youngest 11.33 years ago was born. I remember her having a miscarriage between our two boys and how helpless I felt because I knew she was grieving far worse than I was. Yet, I felt her grief and felt helpless because I wanted to alleviate her pain but couldn't.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net <p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited July 04, 2000).]

Sweetpea,<P>I agree with you JL and Mike did miss the point of your question. <P>I can recall minute by minute account of what happened on the day my baby girl was born. From the time I got the call from wife until we took her home.<P>While my wife was in labor, I asked her to hurry up so we could see how our bundle of joy looked (I was being silly; just wanted to lighten things up a little).<P>There are two things you never forget (at least I won't)when it comes to how I felt. My wedding day and the birth of our child.<P>Take care Sweetpea <P><P>------------------<BR>PSALMS 133<BR>AMOS 7:7-8<BR>ECCLESIASTES 12:1-7

Well, it hasnt' been that long ago for me 2 years since the youngest was born. But, I want to add my two cents bc my children's birth was once of the highlights of my life!<P>I did all the worrying before they were born...money, time....would I be a good father? Would they love me when I was old and they were middle-age?<P>But, I was also worried bc I wasn't sure how I could love a stranger. You know, you love your W, but I got to know her over time. With a kid, here comes this complete stranger into my home that I will have to care for for over 2 decades. What a silly worry and I had it at each birth!<P>Because, as soon as each child was delivered and I got to see them, (I was there in the room for each child with my W).....<P>I FELT INSTANT LOVE FOR EACH CHILD!!!!<P>That is what I remember from the birth of my kids!!! They are a real blessing!

I remember quite clearly the anticipation, excitement and even "pain" I felt watching the birth of both of my sons (9&7). I even got to cut the cord on both of them. When my first was born, as soon as I was able to hold him, I went over to the window and held him up to show the world my new son. There was no window in the room for my second son. I was filled with joy, relief and a sense of anxiety that all would be different now. I kissed my wife, told her I loved her and thanked her.<P>I hope that answers the right question.