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Okay,<P>I guess My H has such an influence over me, that I have started to think this could be true, even tho my heart says no.<P>I know that it sounds ridiculous, but I'm going to ask anyway. Believe me, I came up with a whole list of reasons other than sex for why men marry, but I'd just like to hear it from the men on this board ... what are the other reasons? And is sex the primary motivator?<P>Jo<P><P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

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Sorry to burst your bubble, but what I've seen in sexual surveys (the real, published ones not these rinky dink things online), sex is a primary motivating factor for a lot of guys.<P>What the surveys don't show is why men STAY married and where they get their satisfaction from once they are married. I would hardly think it comes from sex. Since married men live longer than married women, I'd say it comes from comfort and being taken care of.

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Resilent,<P>Deep down, I would have to say that sex is THE single most influencial thing for men. There are other reasons, but the sex drive is so strong that it is a major factor in all of our decisions.<P>It isn't the only one but it might as well be much of the time.<P>I have read and I believe it is true, that men think about sex, roughly every 10-20 seconds of everyday. I cannot vouch for the exact number but I will say that it is pretty much true. <P>Now think about this, that means that every train of thought, every other emotion is constantly being interferred with by the sex drive. It is, I believe, why men do compartmentalize well. We would go insane otherwise.<P>I know this all seems nuts to you. You can no more realize what I am really talking about than I can understand the drive women have to have children. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Yet, it is the same drive just in different forms. <P>The perpetuation of the species, the most basic of all needs and drives. <P>So what do men do? Well, they learn that they can trade things for the sexual gratification that they need. They can offer security, by working and making money. They can offer physical safety from other men. They invent things and try and control nature for their spouses: building houses, inventing heating, etc. They will even promise to be monogamous. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Of course, that has an alterior motive, we would like to know that we are the father of the children.<P>Resilent, this is so deep it is hard to articulate. But almost all behavior leads back to the sex drive. And actually if you think about it, so does most of womens behavior. <P>The difference is that in women's case it is the care and nuturing of the children and it isn't ongoing. Once children arrive women's sex drive frequently diminishes, leading to trouble in marriages. It has been reported widely in journals about how women pick men, based on their preceived ability to protect and nourish her children.<P>So I would vote with your H, for the most part. It isn't quite this simple but it is pretty simple. Why do you think that the #1 need of most men is sex? It isn't a fluke, it is because it is what drives us, especially when we are young.<P>Sorry to disillusion you, but we are pretty simple in some ways. For that matter so are women.<P>Take care,<P>JL

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I had a discussion (I listened mostly) with my father about this. In the marrital counceling part of his vocation he had heard this mentioned, too.<P>There are three shared reasons that men and women give for marriage. However, the two sexes reverse the order of importance. Personally, I do not see that for my own peronal reason. The friendship aspect is what I miss the most or, I believe, I would have fallen off the celibacy wagon by now, IMHO. <P>RRunRR<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.

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I would have to agree wholeheartedly with Just Learning, while there are other reasons, the idea of having sex just about whenever one wants to, is definitely #1 with men. If only women could hear the conversations that men have [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Thanks Popeye, Just Learning, Rrunrr and F A,<P>I do know how important sex is to the male species, heck ... on my H's EN list I did for him it was:<P>Sexual Fullfilment<BR>Pasta [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Conversation<BR>Recreational Companionship<BR>etc....<P>(can't remember exactly the order, but for sure SF was numero uno)<P>My H confirmed my interpretation of his list was accurate to the "T".<P>It was just the fact he said before we seperated it was the ONLY reason men marry ... so I thought well then his OW should be perfect for him because that is the only EN she is servicing. She's a sex machine.<P>Then I thought, wait a minute, he comes to me for all his other EN, or is trying to.<P>So if some men tout this the only reason, such as my H, then he could marry an unstable, immoral, lazy, non-spiritual, mean spirited, abusive, deceitful person like OW and BE HAPPY!<P>I'm not attacking the OW's character without first hand experience, this woman has shown me many times what she's all about.<P>It really is interesting to hear from the men on this board regarding their EN, esp with regards to SF. Unfortunetly, I am still in learning mode about how they view their marriage relationship in that regard.<P>As you said Just Learning, it's pretty basic and simple, but being a female of the species, I find myself in continuous education regarding my H, my male counterpart.<P>Thank you again, and any additional information on this subject is very welcome.<P>Jo

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Resilent,<P>Ah!, the complexity comes in what and who men find sexually attractive. That is the part is missed in your question. <P>Here is where other needs come in for most men. Yeah there can be sex without emotional involvement, but it gets boring after awhile.<P>For example, men won't often find a woman attractive if she is verbally abusive, if she finds other men attractive and runs around with them, it is difficult to find her attractive. There are so many variables here, and this is where it complex. <P>If your H just wants sex, plain old no emotional attachment sex, then there is little chosing to do. However, if other factors enhance the enjoyment of sex, such as emotional connections, fidelity, etc, then other needs have to be considered.<P>In fact, you will find that depending on what is happening in his life, other needs may actually be listed first. Yes, it does happen [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. <P>So when women say that all men want is sex, they are right, but only partly right. Because other factors, lead to sexual attraction. Here is where it gets complex.<P>Does this make any sense?<P>Hope so,<P>Take care <P>JL<P><BR>

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Hey Just Learning,<P>Have another question for you.<P>At one point my H's OW was threatening to have sex with my H's friend if he didn't leave me. She was explicit in her voice page regarding what she was going to do to him. And I know she would do it too.<P>I was disgusted when I listened to it and viewed it as a sleazy way to manipulate my H. I also thought my H would see it for what it was and be repulsed by it.<P>How would that be viewed by most men? Would it spawn jealousy, or a primal emotion of ownership? Wouldn't men see thru it?<P>Jo

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Jo-<P>Well...I agree with your husband on the importance of sex as a major part of a relationship...but I'm not sure that I can say it is the "Only" reason.<P>Now divorced, looking back on my marriage I've learned that our sexual problems...(Sex was absent from our marriage for more years than I care to admitt) Dr. Phil McGraw points out that..."It is nothing short of mythical denial to think that sex becomes unimportant at any stage of an intimate relationship!"<P>His key point on this topic is..."that sex is not everything...but, if you have a good sexual relationship it registers about ten percent on the "Important Scale"...meaning it makes up about 10% of what is important in the relationship. But if the sexual relationship is not a good one...that registers about 90% on the "Important Scale"<P>From my experience, men seem to need the sexual part of the relationship to feel connected and really linked to their partner in a caring way. Women...seem to need the reverse of that. They need to feel the caring and emotinal part of the relationship before they seem to feel comfortable about letting the sexual side of the relationship grow.<P>I'm sure you will get many different opinions on this subject from both men and women.<P>mrrlk<P>

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Resilent,<P>I depends on the man. For example, if this is just purely sex, he might respond to the pressure. However, if he was deeply in love with her, this threat would eventually drive him away, because he couldn't trust her.<P>However,if he knows he cannot trust her, for the very obvious reasons you have mentioned, then it might not really phase him, other than to go back to her just to satisfy his needs.<P>Are you confused yet? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I am. It really does depend on what he feels for her if anything. If it is just sex, nothing else.<P>To answer your question: wouldn't most men see through it? Yes, they would, but men don't mind being manipulated by women really. It is flattering that women go to such trouble to do so. It means that she wants him. Now you are really disgusted right. But, men do like to be wanted by women.<P>Now you should be really confused. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I don't know if this helps, but it might give you a little different perspective.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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Hi Jo!<P>How did you know I married my W mostly cus of PASTA????? LOL. Yeah, sex is great.....but my W's lasagna is to die for! Sought far and wide by everybody around here! We even got a special kitchen set up in the basement for her lasagna production....we put up a few hundred pounds of it every few months....even the plumber takes W's lasagna for payment!<P>Ummmm...musta been some other reasons I married her....Oh I know! She doesnt get mad if I forget and leave the seat up!<P>Luv Ya'll<BR>Bill<BR>

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Hi Xman ...<P>Yeah, Pasta is a staple in our, I mean my house [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. I too make awesome lasagna. As a matter of fact, that was the first meal I cooked for my H and he's told me many times, that dinner synched the deal, he had to marry me. LOL!<P>My H has boiling of pasta noodles down to an art, when he thinks they're ready he'll throw them up and if they stick to the ceiling they're al dente and ready.<P>As far as leaving the seat up, my H was still in training. One night he left it up and I visited the lieu, well I didn't turn the light on so I wouldn't have to squint or wake up all the way, next thing I knew I was stuck in the bowl. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I was not happy.<P>Best Xman!<P>Jo

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If men only marry for sex or just to have there sexual needs met, and women know that this is the only reason men marry.<BR>Yet they still marry these men, what does this say about women??<BR><P>------------------<BR>PSALMS 133<BR>AMOS 7:7-8<BR>ECCLESIASTES 12:1-7

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Hiya Jo!<P>I bet that COLD china bowl woke ya up......better turn the light on next time!<BR>W says the "throw it on the wall" test for al dente is for amateurs.....beats me.....whenever I think of pasta and walls, I think of Felix and Oscar in the "Odd Couple" flick of old......Rememember the scene where Oscar throws the plate of linguini up against the wall and yells "Now it's garbage!" LOL Still! RIP W Matthau [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Best Jo!<P>Bill

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Hey Daisy,<BR> Sex is great,but I guess I liked the companionship,a warm bed,and someone I could take care of(I think I spoiled her).Like JL said,I wanted her to want me to please her.Maybe that's unhealthy,but it feels good to be needed.<BR> <BR>BTW,I wouldn't DREAM of leaving the toilet seat up!<P> When are you going to make some of that awesome lasagna???<P> ~~Murph [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR> <BR>

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Yes, Murph and I are waiting to be asked over for lasagna. You can't go bragging about it and then deny us can you?<P>About men marring only for sex... Then wouldn't they all marry at about age 16 as soon as possible? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>Lora

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Well, since my H gave up an uncommitted relationship with a confirmed polyamorist to be with me, and since it was HIS idea to get married when we'd been living together for 2 years, I can't say sex was his primary motivation.<P>I think that despite his protestations of disbelief about marriage and commitment, what he really wanted was a long-term, committed relationship. I think nurturing was more important to him than sex. He's never been a real high-libido guy. However, that said, within the limits of his libido, he does seem to be happier when the limited amount of sex he DOES want is good.

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D & C,<P>Question for ya. What is a "Polyamorist"? I looked it up in my Merriam/Webster Bookman and it's not listed.<P>I feel like an ignorant dork, but I've got to ask you.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 09, 2000).]

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When I first met my stbw (soon to be wife) I was dating several other women so having sex was not really a problem.<P>After dating her for a while, the sex got better and better, most likely because of the other things she did. She was warm, friendly, caring, encouraging and hard working. I felt very "complete" with her. A feeling I did not really have with the others. So while sex IS a big factor, it was not even close to the only one.<P>I knew this was it when they all "ganged up on me" and basically said none of them wanted to have this "part time" relationship and all of them broke up with me at the same time. Man, was I blown over. Of the 2 I was regularly seeing at that time, I missed my stbw the most.

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Thanks Just Learning ...<P>Okay another question along the same lines.<P>If a woman sleeps around ALOT and you know this, would you marry her anyway? Lets say you do have feelings for her, doesn't the fact she is/or has been sexually active with alot of men turn you off? Or, do men think women who are "giving" (for lack of a better term) will be very experienced and thats attractive to them?<P>Just trying to understand men's libidos.<P>Jo

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