What do people think of this? My husband's unhappiness mainly in our marriage (he was the wayward spouse) stem from a number of his perceptions:<BR> 1. I devalued him and belttled him - sadly true<BR> 2. I put the kids first - also true<BR> 3. I treated him as labor and I was mangement - less true but somewhat true he is very passive and forgetful and would not do anything unless reminded.<BR> 4.I put off sex - not entirely true but it does get harder as your kids get older and the stresses from day to day get more difficult.<BR> Now after his affair I felt like a woman woken up from a coma. I realized I loved this man with all my heart and fully took responsibility for what ever I did to lead him to such unhappiness. All of those behaviors of mine were unintentional. I would never want to make him unhappy and was too caught up in the day to day ratrace of working and raising 4 difficult adopted children.<BR> Since D-Day I have told him how sorry I am and how much I value him and love him etc. I have left him little cards, been a good listener, set time for him and I etc. I am doing my best loving Plan A I can. He tells the counselor yesterday that he doesn't know if I am sincere or if I can keep it up. It makes him uncomfortable. He isn't sure if I really want him or just another set of hands to help with the chores. This makes me crazy - I can forgive what he has done but he doesn't know if I can change!! The only thing positive is that counseling and patience will help in the long run but what do I have to do to convince him? We both made our share of mistakes but I really love him and want to stay with him the rest of my life not for any other reason than he is the person I like best in the whole world.

Quakermom,<P>My situation is similar to yours. I took my marriage for granted. I say this only because it's true and not to cast stbx in negative light, but I was the "grown-up" in our marriage. Sounds like maybe you were too. I was responsible for just about everything, and I had a lot of resentment as a result. My behaviors were not OK, but neither were my H's. Sadly, my H too felt I couldn't change. My plan A'ing made him uncomfortable and edgy. He eventually left. I am not trying to discourage you, but our situations are very similar. I'm not sure that my Plan A'ing per se turned him off or he was just already half-way out the door anyway and I could really do nothing right. I guess I will never know. At any rate - hang in there. Maybe with time and effort he will come around. I hope unlike me it's not too late for you. I regret everything that happened every single day and I always will. I didn't wake up soon enough. I hope it works out for you. I know there are lots of people here who have successfully plan A'd. I hope you are one of those.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

What you should be doing is keep doing Plan A as well or better than you have been doing it. Plan A should be put into effect I believe until the time one of you dies. It's not a plan just to get him back. It is a plan to get you two together again moving forward in your marriage and the two of you should be doing it the rest of your lives.<P>Remember Plan A is initially about your spouse but in a just a little while in doing it you should realize that Plan A is more about you and how you feel about yourself. Its about love and compassion...it's about making you feel good because your spouse feels good. I believe that Plan A will bring back the passion in your life that you once had with your H. I believe that passion is directly related to a great Plan A and can last for the rest of your lives.<P>Keep it up even if your H has doubts and keep it up with whoever you have a relationship with. Keep it up for your H but more importantly keep it up for you!<P>Love and Prayers for You and Your Family!!<P>J W

quakermom:<P>The way that you "prove" yourself to your husband is by establishing a <B>consistant track record</B> of new behaviors aimed at making the marriage a better place. He's already seen and acknowledged that you've done a better job recently. In fishing terms, you've hooked him and reeled him in---now all you have to do is get him in the boat.<P>Be patient. Continue the plan. Avoid lovebusters at all costs. It sounds like you're having a very positive effect on him: keep it up!!<P>And one troubling thing that I've been seeing on this board is misinterpretation of "Plan A" (not to single you out, J Willy---it's been going on a lot lately)<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A (and Plan B)</A> are Harley's plans SPECIFICALLY FOR ONGOING AFFAIRS. If there's no affair, you're not in "Plan A"---you're trying to follow the "Four Rules" (care, protection, honesty, time). There is a difference. From the Article on Plan A&B:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, Disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Plan A usually entails learning new marital behaviors concerning this "negotiation". Eliminating lovebusters. Learning how to negotiate. Occasionally meeting EN's (family oriented ones are usually the only possible at this point). I'd encourage folks to (re)read the article and SAA, if they've gotten off the track of what Plan A means.

You probably are getting sick of my replies to you but I just can't help seeing the similarities in our situations! I think I'm just a bit ahead of where you are now. My husband, too, could not believe that I would change...even though I had been "changed" for months (and I was so proud of myself ) He used to tell me that he didn't trust me (the BS!!!) to think that my changes would last. Alas, there is only one answer...time. Eventually, the consistency of my loving attitudes, and meeting his EN's as much as I could has made him stop saying he didn't trust me outright. He even said once that he can see that I have changed. Not quite the trust I hoped to inspire immediately but I can see that my goal of him trusting me NOW was a bit unrealistic. <BR>I also know that he is still dealing with anger from the whole situation. His replies in our EN questionnaire show that...he refuses to say that anything I do makes him happy. Even when I meet his needs as he wants! So I am sure that anger has something to do with your husband's replies that he can't see you changing.<BR>It has taken time...so hang in there. You are on the right track.

Am there, doing that. My H too says that he can't believe that I am sincere or that I can change. Yesterday was full of major LB's. It's the time thing that I have a problem with. I am the worst at being patient.<P>Okay, this evening, I will try to start over again. Wish me luck.

Quakermom,<P>I too woke up from a coma. The only way is to show him over time. My h now knows I have changed, mostly it was my perspective.<P>We are building a marriage based on Harley's rules:<P>Openness and honesty<BR>Time - 15 hrs/wk<BR>Eliminate LBs <BR>Meet his top needs - I realized I too can be a sexy, desirable woman, not just a mom.<BR>POJA - strive to reach an enthusiastic agreement on all issues.<P>Have you read SAA?

You have your answers. Long-term, consistant behavior.<P>I tend to believe more in a PlanA for life (Sorry K - hey we actually have a difference here for once!!! LOL). K's right, the rules for a successful marriage are the key. But, for me, plan A consisted on a great deal of work on myself, and, although I do know I'm quite wonderful (LOL) there is ALWAYS some improvement to be made. Sooooo....everyone benefits. Plan A for me is PERSONAL, with my marriage benefiting from it, as well as my relationship with others. Actually used it on my mom...our relationship has been difficult forever, with amazing results.<P>Hang in there. They do doubt. They have every reason to doubt. But you CAN show them.<P>Lori

Thank you all for your responses- Littlemurph - how could I get tired of someone else's perspective who's situation is so similair to my own? Please keep posting. I know time and patience are the key. My Plan A is on Harley principles I think because my husband and the OW work daily together (he says its over but that is a great trust issue - only recently am I staring to believe maybe this is true) and she is pregnant. But he is here living at home and seems happier than he has in years in general (there is still some wierdness and awkward moments between us though but I guess that is to be expected). Today is his birthday and when he came down for work I had a banner the kids made, a sexy card breakfast and a fishing magazine for him. When I spoke to him later at work he sounded pleased. We are taking the kids out to dinner later and then I have the big present. It is quite an emotional risk but I spoke to his sister who he has been confiding in all along and she said to definately do it. It is a mini vacation for 2 in the fall. I"ll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed. There is still a part of me that feel like he will say "I'm not going to be here that long' I know that that is paranoia and fear talking but having once been burned you do get crazy!! Wish me luck!!<P> Kris

Just a quick update to anyone following the last post - my husband loved his birthday present - a minivacation in the fall. I was afraid it would bring up some kind of conflict about him not committing to us but he was thrilled and so am I. I can continue to have patience and work on Plan A with some confidence (just a teeny bit but it's better than where I was a month ago) thanks to all<BR> Kris

I can relate to this too but we were BOTH nervous that the other couldnt change.We filled out the EN's ques. right away. H was the WS.<P>His biggest need is sex followed by an attractive spouse.Our sex life was dead but boy did I wake up too....like a coma The demise of our marriage was from both of us not have needs met and resentment. We talked openly about this and starting changing right away.<P>Well I became a sexual 'dynamo' LOL.....and he was in awe.It was easy for me because I was so happy that he hadnt left me.We went thru a 'honeymoon' period for a month(sex) but its still really good just not quite as often.<P>Well its been 5 mos since dday and he is still being a great H and I am still meeting his needs. I felt pretty secure after about 2 months that he was sincere w/ his changes. If it was all an act I dont think it would have lasted,he would have gone back to his old ways within a week or two.<P>Of course all is not perfect but we are very happy. The only thing I really apply from plan A is no angry outburts...well,I try <P>I think you are doing great.......whisk him into the kitchen,give him a wet kiss and tell him you cant wait for tonite.....that gets em' everytime <P>PS....I had also just become a 'mom'.....now I am his wife and lover. I dress sexier too...not sleazy but I had turned into a real frump....it was not attractive to anyone LOL<P>Keep us posted....you are doing great!!!<BR>