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inamess Offline OP
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WOW!!!!!!! Prayer answered!!!!! I got closure finally!!!!!SLAM THE DOOR!!!! IT IS GOING IN THE HISTORY BOOK NOW!<BR>I met with OM last night. When I first walked in the door he said "Wow, you look hotter than a $3.00 pistol. LOL!! I said "OK we cannot say things like that. That isnt why I am here" "I am here to end it and say SORRY" <P>He and I discussed all this mess. The deal was that I sit on one side of the room and he sit onn the ohter. I told him that we had to be adults about this and that I didnt want him but I was having a hard time letting him go. He was now over it. He told me things that would help me cope. Plus also pointed out that this was out of sin and would never last. No matter how bad we wanted it to.He said he was sorry for doing what he done. And for what happened. he knew he loved his wife and I loved H. He said W had an idea that something happened. but she has told him in a round about way, that she doesnt want to know if he ever cheats on her. I told him taht I would never ever want to hurt her. He said when she left for the beach on Wednesday morning she said "Im going to be gone for a week. Are you going to be here when I get back?" Thta broke his heart. He said that we just screwed each others heads all up. <P>He said that he thought that one of the problems with H is with his dad. He thought that was our only problem. He said he ws the same way with his mom intil the A happened. He said the day that I called him on the phone and told him that it was wrong. And we needed to part and work on our marriages. That was when he realized that he needed to let go and it was a fantasy. He felt like he owed H something. But he didnt know what to do. He wanted to just tell him. Man, I think your a great Man for not shooting me. I think I would have done it. I just think you deserve to kick my A@#... <P>Anyway! We parted... Never to spoken to again. I promised him to never call him ever again. I told him that I would not to anything to destroy his marriage. That I was happy that it was working for him.He said he never wanted to start that again. That he could not handle it. He thought that it was a "roses" for me. I didnt want to go into that conversation to deep. We both knew that we couldnt discuss that. So we made the agreement. He will not talk to me and will avoid me in all aspects. And vice versa. He said to be strong. And think about H not him. That is what made him hang in!!!!!<BR>If I get weak and call. He has told them not to except phone calls from the 3 numbers that I contact him with. <P>So thank GOD!! I was really happy when I left. Yhe feeling that I had when I was there was odd! It wasnt the same. I think it has died over time.THANK GOD!!!!! I wanted to come home and Hug all over H. OM told me to get my [censored] home with my hubby. That i loved him and he loved me to much.... He thought that I was more of his sister than anything. But we can never be friends. So the NO CONTACT is forever now. I know he wont call me. I have to be strong and not call him.. I really dont want him. I thought he looked like crap to. So all the stuff he told me helped.......<P>So that is that. I took the day off today to kinda hash out my mind. <P>I know this is withdrawal all over again. But I know in my heart that it would not be possible. I dont have that "what if" in my mind.<P>i dont feel hurt. I feel alot better. Like it is now time to focus straight on me. Not everyone else. <P>Thanks for all the prayers<BR>Renee<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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Hey folks,<P>Last night I told H that he and I needed to talk. He said "Oh NO'. I sais "No Im not leaving or anything like that. I just want to have dinner with you tomm night." <P>So this morning I stayed home so could clean the house.. That is one of his needs. I thought that would start this off right.<P>I called him at work to ask him to stop by the store on his way home. He said we can go to dinner about 8:00. I said what about 7:30? Then he got silent. I knew then that it was the dad thing again. I said do you have work to do on the farm? He said not really. Then why cant we go at 7:30. That way we can be on our way to eat at 8:00. he would have to come in and get ready. <BR>Then I said "You know I really want this thing to work" """""Forget those quotation marks""""LOL! And I dont want it to come to the point that I have to say It is me or Dad!! I wont do you that way. I will go my way beofre I say taht. He siad this thing comes up every six months. You always hang you leaving me over my head.. I have never done that but ONCE!!!!<BR>I said I have never told you taht but once. He said yeah but it seems that there is always somehting wrong. I said To you it may not seem like it..Becaseu your perfectly content with what we have. I am not.....<P>H said that he was content. That was called love not content. H also thinks that when u first meet that is infatuation. Then the love feeling comes after your married for a while....He thinks the "In love" feeling is infatuation. <P>I told him that I wanted to know what his goals were. And we needed to be a team. Instead of wroking against each otehr. <BR>"THROW STONES" NOW"!!!!!<P>He says "Well u spend to much money" You never at home in the afternoon" I said your right!!!! I dont want to be home becaseu your not here...<BR>I said okay Great!!!! You have issues and so do I. SO we can discuss the process to vercome it......<BR>We said we would do all this stuff. But we havent. I threw WE in there to make him think that I wasnt throwing stones at him!!!!ARGGGGG!!!!!!!!<P>Then I said well I want my house to be a "HOME" again... Not just a house.<P>He just doesnt comprehend. Maybe it is me!!!!! WHO KNOWS!!!! It is like he doesnt want to work on this...<P>Im calling the counselor todday. That way I can get in on taht. Just in case this doesnt work out. And also to deal with OM.. I think that is pretty much history. but just in case. You never he could take a turn for the worse and call 6 months down the road. <BR>I need the counseling anyway...<P>Does my H really think that a 26 year old woman doesnt want to have sex??? Our s life is about 6 times per year... That is sick.. I feel like I have to beg for it. Then I still dont get it. Then I feel like i have begged him to love me for the last 3 years. <P>I told him taht I love him so much taht it hurts most of the time. I just want to go forward. I said " Im 26, your 30.. We are not getting any younger" We need to get this in ored or move on...<P>And at this point I feel so numb. And the way he acted was like OH HELL HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!!!! He doesnt care how i feel.. I really think taht. I dont know if he wants us to work or not. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I told him taht I would go to my grave knowing this thing had failed.. The worst mistake ever was moving 500 foot from mom adn dad...... They are here EVERYDAY!!!He is with Dad till dark everyday!!! Then all day Saturday.....<P>So here I am...Roller Coaster for the 3rd time........<P>What do i say to him tonghit?????<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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inamess,<P>You must remember one thing. You are coming at this from a completely different perspective. He has no idea about all of the things going through your head. You have already half talked yourself out of this marriage. Look at you posts these last few days. Meanwhile, all he knows he has a withdrawn W, who only really talks to him when she is ready to leave, if not threatening it.<P>inamess, think very carefully before tonight. What does he really know? Not what you think he should know, or should feel? What does he know about this situation. I know you confessed the affair but I have forgotten if you finally confessed that it was a PA. He doesn't know you have been thinking about the OM for almost a month no stop. <P>The revenge thing was a nice way to reintroduce him into your thinking again.<P>He doesn't know that you have called OM and seen OM. I'll bet he isn't very happy either, or sex would be more than it has been. He is a healthy male. The difference is that he feels he signed on for the long pull, and is putting up with a marriage less than he would like. Further, he has to deal with his father. The man may drive you nuts, but look where he is. If he really stands up to him, he loses his father. You may say well what is more important?<P>Excellent question, but not relavent. His father is his father pure and simple. You have cheated on him in your mind for years now and threaten to leave. He doesn't want to make the choice, but you are not making you a very attractive choice right now.<P>Inamess, please sit down and seriously think. I mean think about your values, your love for H, and how if you were running the world you would make the decisions for him. Then stand back and think again, can he really do what you think he should with what he knows and where he is? <P>Inamess, you are looking at this marriage from your perspective and that is very normal, but if you want to see changes in the marriage, you need to look at it from his as well. The changes need to be a win-win situation. <P>So when you talk to him do more listening than talking. What you need to be looking for are opportunities to make any changes you want into win-win situations for the both of you. This won't be done in one conversation, but if the conversation is pleasant and up beat you won't have as much trouble getting him to have more.<P>Inamess, please think.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR>[B]inamess,<P>Meanwhile, all he knows he has a withdrawn W, who only really talks to him when she is ready to leave, if not threatening it.<P>JL, <BR>I have never threatened him with that. I only left one time. I have tried to talk to him. I have tried for 3 years. Then the affair happened. I have tried since then. Go back and read the post. I just fell kinda empty inside. Like I am going to try one more tiem and that is it. <P>inamess, think very carefully before tonight. What does he really know? Not what you think he should know, or should feel? What does he know about this situation. I know you confessed the affair but I have forgotten if you finally confessed that it was a PA. He SPECIFIES that he would have rather not known about it to begin with. So I am not going to pour salt in the wound. There has been enough hurting going on here. <P>He doesn't know you have been thinking about the OM for almost a month no stop. <BR>He doesnt care to know. Remember withdrawal #1. When I would post and you guys wouls say talk to H. I tried that. He didnt want to know.<P>The revenge thing was a nice way to reintroduce him into your thinking again.<P>Your right about that. I see that now!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR>He doesn't know that you have called OM and seen OM. I'll bet he isn't very happy either, or sex would be more than it has been. He is a healthy male. <P>Yes, He told me today that he was very happy. I said HOW CAN YOU BE? He saud that was love. BS!!!!!!!!! That is called CONTENT!<P>The difference is that he feels he signed on for the long pull, and is putting up with a marriage less than he would like. <BR>I was signed on for the long haul as well. I still am. When my heart tells me to hit the door. I am staying here to try ONE MORE TIME!!! <P>The difference is....He has never been taought to love. And is scared to death of his dad!!! He was my #1 priority this time last year.. I have never been his. It has just taken this crap for me to see it.<P>Further, he has to deal with his father. The man may drive you nuts, but look where he is. If he really stands up to him, he loses his father. You may say well what is more important?<P>So I stay on the back burner for the rest of my life???? Is that what your saying??<P>Excellent question, but not relavent. His father is his father pure and simple. You have cheated on him in your mind for years now and threaten to leave. <P>No, I never cheated on him in my mind... I never even imagined it. Until I was in a affair before I knew it. A I said earlier in this post. I have never threatened to leave. OOPS! One time I did.. I wanted to buy a washer and dryer. He didnt think it was a necessity. His mother doesnt have one so he thought that we ahouldnt either. So I stuck with that for about 2 years. THen reality sat in.. I said I am going to buy a washer and dryer. Or I am going to buy a house for myself that has one..It wasnt like we couldnt afford one.<P>He doesn't want to make the choice, but you are not making you a very attractive choice right now.<P>Your probably right about that. I really dont know what else to do here.<P>Inamess, please sit down and seriously think. I mean think about your values, your love for H, and how if you were running the world you would make the decisions for him. Then stand back and think again, can he really do what you think he should with what he knows and where he is? <P>I cant answer that at this point. I am not in the frame to think rationally. <P>So when you talk to him do more listening than talking. What you need to be looking for are opportunities to make any changes you want into win-win situations for the both of you. This won't be done in one conversation, but if the conversation is pleasant and up beat you won't have as much trouble getting him to have more.<P>He wont open up!!!!!!! I have asked ans asked! He wants to bury the hatchet!<P>Thanks so much for the reoply JL.<BR>I dont want you to think that I am ill. I am just venting at this point..<P>God Bless<BR>Renee<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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inamess,<P>I don't think you are ill. I think you are frustrated. Let come at this from a different point of view. Maybe I'll make myself a bit clearer. If you continue to do the same things and get the same results, it is time to change how you do things. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Sounds pretty obvious doesn't it? <P>So when I say think about this, think about your situation in this light. Are you approaching things in the same manner and getting the same results?<P>I will tell you that I don't buy that he is happy if you have sex 6 times a year at your ages. You two are still young and that shouldn't be. There are some other issues floating around. <P>Lets think about his father for a second. I get the impression he is pretty dominating and the rest of the family shuts up and does what he says. So your H has been trained to keep his mouth shut, and not expect much from things. Is it possible that he is afraid to really enjoy things with Dad around?<P>I mention this only because you may need to examine this situation from that perspective. See if there are weaknesses in the armour. I read a book, which I have recommended to several women on this board. I am sure it wasn't the best nor was it all that original, but the title tickled me and I read it. I agree with many of the authors points and it might help you figure out your H and get things moving. It is called "Men made easy" by Oh. It is a thin book, but it has some insights in it that may help you.<P>Inamess, I know you are frustrated and tired. I know you want more out of your marriage. I think you can get it, but it will take figuring out how to get into your H's defenses. My guess that these defenses are not against you, but against his Dad.<P>Inamess, you also need to figure out why he puts his head in the sand about the affair. He needs to understand this and so do you.<P>As I said before, keep thinking, I know you don't want to but it is for the good of both of you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR>[B]inamess,<P>I will tell you that I don't buy that he is happy if you have sex 6 times a year at your ages. You two are still young and that shouldn't be. There are some other issues floating around. <P>That has been this way for about a year after we were married.<P>Lets think about his father for a second. I get the impression he is pretty dominating and the rest of the family shuts up and does what he says. So your H has been trained to keep his mouth shut, and not expect much from things. <P>So do i hang out and stey this way forever?<P>Inamess, I know you are frustrated and tired. I know you want more out of your marriage. I think you can get it, but it will take figuring out how to get into your H's defenses. My guess that these defenses are not against you, but against his Dad.<P>Inamess, you also need to figure out why he puts his head in the sand about the affair. He needs to understand this and so do you.<P>As I said before, keep thinking, I know you don't want to but it is for the good of both of you.<P><BR>HE WONT TALK!!!!!!I am going to try it tonight. This is my last straw. Then if he gets defensive I am outtaa here!!!!!!!<P>God Bless,<BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

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Renee,<P>I am so glad you got closure. Sometimes it really is needed. you find yourself with a stary thought or two at times, but now you have that 'closed door' to look at when you do. <P>I hope you and your H have a good talk tonight.

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SKM,<P>Thanks so much for the reply on the other thread. I cant post there for some reason. It says I am not a known useer. SURE IA AM WHO HAVE I NOT USED IN THE LAST YEAR? I hate for you to leave for vacation. I have the dinner tonight with him..<P>Do you think this is withdrawal again? Is it going to be harder?<P>SHEW!!!!!!!!!!! <P>I JUST REALIZED THAT I AM THE ONLY HELL MY MOTHER EVER RAISED!!!!

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Renee -<P>You are past the tough part, whew - at least for now. You ended it - at least for now - with the OM. Congratulate yourself for that, it may not have been the way I would have handled things - but different things work for different people. But, at least as the OM issue is concerned, you sound better. Even though you complain about your H, and least now you're talking about HIM [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]! You may be angry, but at least there are possibilities with him, today. I was a little scared before . . .<P>I think you ARE a little on edge because of "withdrawl" again. My H was doing everything, and I do mean everything right, and I'd still pick fights with him or I'd still want more, more, more. Take baby steps. I remember now about the in-law situation. Look, your issues were the lack of attention, the affair, etc. . .Your H has issues, problems too. You just need to be there for each other.<P>I know you've been "putting up with this" for a long time. But try not to use the affair as a wedge between you. Just like it's taken you months to finally get closure with the OM situation, your H needs time to work on his relationship with his parents - He's had them for 30 years. I think I probably know how your H feels, my mother is very, ummm, how do I put this nicely, controlling. But, she's my mom and I love her very much. I know I've run through my mind a thousand times what I wanted to say to her, but I just can't do it. <P>My H is very patient and understanding, but he doesn't really understand why I can't stand up to my mom - do what's good for me, what's good for my marriage sometimes. Those parent-child relationships are difficult too. To an outside person, they may not understand, it doesn't seem natural. I'm not proposing that you take a back seat to his family, but try to work through those issues - gradually.<P>It's hard, I don't really have any advice for that. Just need a little cooling off period. You've been through a lot recently - a lot of heavy duty emotional stuff. Take a week's vacation from relationship "issues." Get control of you, then work on your relationship with your H - take your time, don't rush things.<P>I think withdrawl can affect many things - I know was I and still am pretty irritable. I really don't mean to pick a fight, it just kind of happens - then I feel miserable. Your H and you have a lot of things to work out - you said that you wanted to work as partners - that's great. Give yourself and your H a little slack . . .a little time . . .I wish you could take a vacation with your H, I know that this trip will do wonders for my H and I. Take time, go slow, just for now. Okay . . .

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Can't you two get some counseling? <BR>Maybe it's really over with the OM and you'll never try to contact him again, but your second post sounds like now you are looking at all the problems that made your mariage not so good to begin with.<BR> Although my H is the one having an affair, I am beginning to face up to all of the problems that got us to this point. It's very hard to do. We have been in counseling for a long time, and I admit that for the first three months, I hated going because he just seemed to keep harping on things in the past instead of just attacking the affair. He STILL doesn't concentrate on the affair, and every week Isay that I want to quit, but I can see a lot of things now about how bad my marriage had gotten before it. <BR> So in some ways, you remind me of my H. He was very unhappy for a long time, and I thought we were doing okay. <BR> Please don't give up until you've tried everything. It sounds like you are just beginning to realize things that needed fixing a long time ago. Give it some time .

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Guys,<P>H and I talked last night. He was okay, i guess. He did finally mentiont the affair. I told him "You never want to discuss this with me" He said "Im reminded of it every time I go to my truck". "Om is the one that always done the work on my truck, So that slaps me in the face every day"<BR>I hadnt thought of it that way. I said "See that is exactly why we need counseling. So we can understand. He is still holding baggage from when I left him. He said that when I left I ust played with his feelings. I told him at that point i was a lunatic. I was not aware of my life. I was just SCREWED up in the head. <BR>I think that really messed with his head [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>This is the thrid time that he has mentioned that. He is still holding that fact that I betrayed him. <BR>I told him taht OM was making me freak out. He was saying move into my parents condo. Get out of there. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!<P>The couseling thing is still a ""NO" at this point. I asked if it was pride he said "Mostly". So then I had to say (because you cant beat around the bush with him)"What is more important here?" "Marriage or Pride?" Of course that made him mad. I told him I didnt mean to be so blunt but I had tried everyway in the world to say that but to come out and say it. <P>I told him that I felt that we were roommates! And that I didnt even know him anymore. Like we were friends or something. well I cant really say friends. As I look back. I think I disconnected emotionally from him years ago. I was so scared of getting hurt again. I guess taht is what it was! Who knows! <P>He told me that I never wanted to go to the races with him. Or any of the sporting events with him. All the things that he fell in love with me for I wasnt doing. I was the one that got him interested in all of this stuff since I was raised around. He never had an interest. Then I just quit going. He said he realized that he contributed to alot of my sickness and to the affair. He will accept that responibility. <P>HE JUST FEELS SO BETRAYED! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>By this time I was crying. He hates it when I cry. And refuses to talk. I told him that I felt like my life was falling apart and didnt want to lose the one that I loved the most. <P>I told him in 6 months we were going to re-evaluate how things were going. He quickly informed me that I was the Judge, Jury and Executioner.<BR>Judge- because I was judging the marriage.<BR>Jury-becaseu I would decide when it was over.<BR>Ex- because I would give it a time limit. <P>I said "I do not mean it in that way at all" All I am saying is this "I have tried here and so have you". "We did not do what we said we would do" "This is the last chance". "Not for you, but for me as well." "We never talk about plans for the futre". "We never discuss a family". Which we dont do that. I always said that I didnt want children. To be honest, as I get olderr I think abou tit. I do want a family. I am just indecided on wheter he should be the father. <P>He did tell me that he would not sign divorce papers if it came to that. He did not believe in divorce and he would not allow it to happen. I said "So, you want us to hang in limbo forever?" He said "No, He was perfectly happy with the way things were right now".<P>I haev promised to meet his needs. I will kill myself trying to do this. When I get ill just remind me taht I promised myself. His needs are:<BR>Domestic-Cook more often.<BR>Financial Freedom-he is thinking about that to divide the money so he isnt ill at me all the time. <BR>Pysical Attractiveness- Lose about 40 lbs.<BR>Companionship- Gosh, he hunts. I dont want to do that. He is big into Archery and all that. He goes to Bow tournaments and all. He said he wished I had an interest in taht. <BR>Conversation- Just to talk.<P>He thoght that I was so much fun. He said he did admire me. He was just never ever brought up around compilments. He admired my personality. THat I made everyone laugh, and everybody loved me. When I died he would be buried in flowers. LOL!!!<BR>I never knew this until last night. <BR>He does admire how i have handled my life considering the cards that were dealt to me. <P>Then the BIG ONE!!!<P>SPEND MORE TIME WITH MOM AND DAD!!!!!<BR>arrrrrrggggggggg!!!!!!!!<P>I dont need to spend tiem there. I need to spend time with him. He said that they are at the barn everyday, and i never go talk to them. He is right I dont. I have so mcuh to do. <P>So this is the scoop on it as of now! We are both thinking of ways that we can make this work. i.e. money thing.<P>I have an appointment today with my counselor. I told him taht I was going to go on to counseling. So I could learn to deal with my life better at this point. <BR>Our insurane doesnt pay for marrige counseling. SO that is a big thing for him. I have no idea what it cost. So I am going to check on that. Maybe even Dr. Harley. The rates may be about the same. <P>I need your prayers. I have the OM thought in my mind today. I think that will diminish in time. I can pat myself on hte back for that one Right!!!!!!<P>We need your prayers<BR>Renee<P>Oh Yeah! He did tell me that he has not forgiven me for the A. He didnt think that he could forgive me. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>I said then we cant go forward until you do. I forgaev him for all the hell i went through. I was just reading Katua thread in Emotional Needs forum. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] That hit home to hard.<P>Why is this so hard?????<BR>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!<p>[This message has been edited by inamess (edited August 18, 2000).]

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hi inamess<P>Just a quick thought have you read the book on "His needs Her needs". It appears to me that what you and your H is saying is covered there.<P>What do you want from your life? In twenty years when you look back what will the important things you feel you have achieved.<P>T

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Renee -<P>I agree 100% with Timtam, get the book "His needs, Her needs." If your H doesn't want to go to counseling, encourage him to read the book with you. It really is helpful . . .Tell him, you can save money on counseling (even though I think you should go even if he doesn't want to) if he reads the book.<P>But, hey, pat yourself on the back again - you're talking and you're trying again!!! So, far 2 for 2. Keep it up. Read the book, checked out books from the library (they're free) - read and try to take your mind off the OM. I am encouraged and have hope for you . . .Your last post was all about your H and you, NOT you and the OM. You can turn this around . . .be patient.


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