Hey there gang. Two weeks ago my wife came clean about her affair. She said she realized that her and I were meant to be together and that what she did was wrong, and she has no feelings for this person. She says the are friends and nothing more. She wont let anything happen because there is nothig there. She tells me what happened was a big mistake and it made her realize that we have special together. Mkae sense??<BR>She stills wants to be friends with this person though. and still do things w/ this person as a friend. She says that he is a friend and nothing more. Her actions over teh past 2 weeks have been 100 diff than what they have been. So i do believe her and I can feel in my heart that she is telling the truth.(Becasue I could tell when she was lying) the only thing that doesn't make sense is this, and I ask her this..How can you go from thinking you have feeling for this person, than realize that you really dont and you were making a huge mistake, and than still want to be friends? Has anybody experienced this? Or am i being blind to something. The last 2 weeks have been ALOT better between us and we can feel the love again.<BR>Love is so confusing, i wish i had all the answwers. I some of you might think I'm gualble or blind. But what i feel in my heart is really strong, and it hasn'e felt this wasy in a while.<P>Comments please.<BR>

Dear LovingHusb,<P>The concepts here at MB recommend that ALL contact be discontinued between the Wayward Spouse and the Other Person. That means even "just friends." <P>Before you jump in her face about it though, you need to come up with a loving and non-LBing way to let her know that if your marriage is going to have good, solid ground on which to grow from here, then the "just friend" has to be completely out of the picture.<P>I'm glad she saw the error of her ways and I hope that you will seek some counseling to work through BOTH your feelings about this. You can't just bury it and forget it, because it can fester below the surface and never be fully resolved.<P>Best of luck to you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

lovinghusband: She may be sincere with what she's telling you. However I don't believe she should continue her relationship with this person AT ALL. Even as friends.<P>It make you uncomfortable and with that she should break all contact.<P>Also if she thought she might have feelings at one point but no longer. Yet they continue to be friends this feeling may creep up again. You are not being blind or too trusting. Just confused as we all are. But if it doesn't feel right with you then it isn't. Ask her to kill this friendship immediately. Good Luck<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

[QUOTE]Originally posted by lovinghusband:<BR><B> She tells me what happened was a big mistake and it made her realize that we have special together. Mkae sense??<BR>She stills wants to be friends with this person though. and still do things w/ this person as a friend. She says that he is a friend and nothing more. Her actions over teh past 2 weeks have been 100 diff than what they have beenBut what i feel in my heart is really strong, and it hasn'e felt this wasy in a while.<P></B><BR>You are not gullible. The reason your wife can go from what appeared to be a relationship to friend is because she never had feelings for the OM in the first place.<P>That happened to me during my retaliation affair before I confessed to the OM I didn't want to keep seeing him because I only did it to get back at my husband.<P>I believe she will see it doesn't make sense to keep seeing him--even as a friend--and will stop altogether.<P>What you feel when you're with your wife cannot be matched by the OM. It's easy for her to just be friends with him because her heart is with you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.

When your spouse starts telling you they are "just friends" with OP its a red flag. Been there done that and both times I was burned really bad. They may mean just friends one day but the next day maybe a whole different thing. Just be careful.<P>Jill

lovinghusband,<P>Everyone who has posted is <B>right</B>!<P>It doesn't matter that... "she is telling the truth"...<P>...the affair is on until she breaks it off completely.<P>Get a counselor (good one) to flat out make it clear to her that she must have no contact with the OM. It will show her you're serious.<P>An MB counselor will know the lines...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Privacy isn't something that improves marriages, It's honesty and openness that improves marriages. (page 41 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Since many affairs are with friends, it's often difficult to distinguish between an affair and an innocent friendship. (page 43 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>An affair is an illusion<BR>With separation comes reality<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most affairs die a natural death. (page 50 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>(5) - How should affairs end?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter(on page 58-59 of SAA)<P>Get her going to a counselor... and then have her work on that letter!<P> <P>Jim

You are making a hugh mistake allowing her<BR>to be friends with ex OM. Are you nuts?<BR>You are just asking for trouble. Most people<BR>have a connection when there has been intimacy. She is showing great disrespect for<BR>your feelings. I think it says a lot right<BR>there. How do you think your wife would answer the following question if you told<BR>her that for the past month you have been<BR>having sex with your beautiful co-worker.<BR>It is over now but you wish to remain friends<BR>with her. I bet your wife's attitude with<BR>be a great deal different. You are playing<BR>with fire here. What happens if in the future<BR>you have an argument? She can always take<BR>refuge in her friend for comfort. Don't be<BR>a sucker. A woman that would want to save<BR>her marriage would understand the pain a<BR>continuous friendship with the OM with have<BR>to her husband. She had a sexual affair with<BR>this guy. This is unacceptable behavior. Your<BR>comment that you believe it is over forever<BR>and that you trust her is ridiculous. She <BR>was cheating and having sex with another man during an affair under your nose. I am sure you trusted her then. Why do you trust her now? Good luck my friend because you are going to need it. I can't believe that you don't see this as big trouble.<BR>

Lovinghusband -<P>Man, I have experienced that first hand. . .I am in the same position as your wife. . .My H did not even know I was having an A - so when I told him about it, he was completely stunned. . .I, too, told him that what I had done was a big mistake, I, too, told him how much I loved him (my H), I, too, wanted to "only be friends" with the OM - because he didn't "mean" anything to me. . .My H even went as far as to say "you can be friends with the OM - if you can promise me that it will "only be as friends."<P>What a mess. . .For a while, I maintained contact with the OM - as if the A never happened - but it did. . .Anyway, the one time I thought we could be friends - well, I ended up maintaining the EA and it went physical. . .The second time I thought I could "be friends" the Om actually invited me to his hotel room. . .<P>Whether or not she feels anything for the OM is irrelevant. . .and subject to speculation. But, by being friends with the OM I was only hurting my H, and the OM was a constant reminder of what I had done. . .I didn't need that, and my H deserved better than that. . .Anyway, I think your wife is playing with fire. . .even if she wants to maintain a friendship with this bozo (and my OM WAS a bozo). . she should try to put herself in your shoes. . .who would she rather hurt - you or the OM? If she keeps in contact with the OM - the only person she is hurting is you. . .and that's just not right. I'm glad I finally realized the importance of no contact. . .it really is necessary, I know I'm a WS, I've been there. I don't see how I could get through this by "still being friends with the OM."<P>At one time, during recovery, I came here and asked if there was anyway you could "remain friends with the OP." And the resounding answer was no - and now I see why. . .<P>For me, someone posted that I "should find a friend that I haven't slept with. . ." well, that smacked me back into reality and made me realize exactly how much I was hurting my H by stayiing in contact. . .Yes, breaking contact was hard, but it is possible. . .and necessary.