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Joined: Aug 2000
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So many of you say you are fighting for your marriages while your WS is living with/dating the OP. How in the world do you think you can fight for your marriage with a 3rd person involved? The OP (in my case) knows to play her cards right - she's on her best behavior, so why should WS want to come back to nagging S, responsibility, children... I don't believe this Plan A/Plan B. Plan A seems like you are kissing his behind at the expense of your own self-respect and Plan B leaves H freedom from guilt at facing W. Please convince me that it is possible for marriage to be saved when only one wants it.

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Unfortunately, I am not about to try to convince you. People say that the affair will fall apart when the reality hits - but the reality is that he gets freedom from the responsibility and chaos that living in a house full of young children brings. Even before he was laid off, in many ways it was like a permanent vacation - time and money to golf, go on weekend trips. I don't think he is happy about not being able to find another job, and he may feel a little guilty about his children living in near poverty, but he doesn't have to worry about keeping a roof over his head. <P>There is little downside to leaving your spouse for an OP, especially when the OP has more money. Sure, he doesn't see much of his kids, but that apparently doesn't bother him too much. And the guilt is no problem - just blame it all on your spouse.

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TM,<P>I am living proof that Plan A works. I initiated Plan A several weeks after D-Day. I am not saying that it was easy or that I didn't feel like I was kissing his butt for nothing. Once I really understood Plan A, I no longer felt like a doormat. I started to feel a certain sense of peace knowing that I was doing what was right for myself and the kids. They had noticed and made comments about certain behaviors between father and I. I am not saying that the pain of the A goes away during Plan A, I'm just saying you get a better understanding of your H and yourself. <P>Of course the OW knows how to play her cards right. When most people are in the infatuation/dating stage they are on their best behavior. Soon though, she will probably start pressuring for more of a committment etc... Things get really old for H. If you are at home doing Plan A, he will see that and appreciate it(believe it or not). Remeber Plan A does not include nagging. Find a more constructive way to let him know what you think about his behavior. Pick and choose your battles. You don't have to point every bad behavior out.<P>I firmly believe that SAA and Plan A were an integral part of saving my marriage. I did Plan A with an H who was actively seeing OW. She put the pressure on; he saw what changes were being made at home. This is where his family lives. The wife is usually first choice. They go elsewhere because needs aren't being met(i'm not justifying).This is reality and when they finally come out of the fog, theyy usually dump the OW. Why shouldn't you have a good Plan A going? It's not about compromising your self-respect. It's about building it. Reread Plan A. Keep trying. If you think you are past that stage and there is no hope, go to Plan B. I hope you don't have to go that far. Plan B is not guilt free. They will feel guilt. Their children are at home wondering why daddy left. They now have to face the reality of what they have done. Believe me, it won't be easy no matter what they say.<P>I hope this is a little reassuring. Please don't give up on these principles. They really do have merit.<P>cleo<BR>

Joined: Feb 2000
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hey trapped,<P>your name sort-of says it all. I know how you feel, I am sort-of there right now too.<P>In spite of my present mood, let me say that Plan A...when I finally "got it" was so good for me. It really is not about kissing his behind, though I felt that way for a while too. It's about respecting yourself, and sort of building respect for your marriage. H told me last weekend that in our 19 year marriage, he has never respected me before, now he does.<P>Now, respect isn't going to get his butt home, but it's making him think.<P>It took me months to get it...everyone here had to pound it into my head. Plan A is not some sort of game we play to get our spouses back...it's a way to handle this situation with our heads held high. It's a way to make our home a more pleasant place to be, for everyone. You can tell your H how you feel in Plan A. You don't have to be Miss Merry Sunshine. It's hard to balance it all out. If it seems phoney they'll pick up on it...mine sure did. Just remember the four rules of a successful marriage...they helped me figure out plan A. You can still say what you need to say to your H when you are upset and frustrated, you just have to say it with respect.<P>Let OW be the person that nags and is unpleasant. Let her put the pressure on. You don't have to sit back and be an angel, but lets' face it here...the decision is his to make (that urks me).<P>Go back and read LostVa's posts when you have some time. She doesn't post much any more, but to me, she was the pinnacle of Plan A. Her H was living with OW and her child. She led him gently home...and they've never been happier.<P>You can look up her posts in "search" I think.<P>Hang in there. Remember, it's for you.<P>allison

Joined: Jul 2000
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Trapped Mom:<BR><B>So many of you say you are fighting for your marriages while your WS is living with/dating the OP. How in the world do you think you can fight for your marriage with a 3rd person involved? The OP (in my case) knows to play her cards right - she's on her best behavior, so why should WS want to come back to nagging S, responsibility, children... I don't believe this Plan A/Plan B. Plan A seems like you are kissing his behind at the expense of your own self-respect and Plan B leaves H freedom from guilt at facing W<BR></B><BR>I know EXACTLY how you feel. I wrestle with the same thought that my husband was getting away scott free. Yet, he never asked for a divorce, but he didn't give me a reason to trust him either. <P>I posted a question here some time ago, "Should a divorce be offered?" The response I received help me out a lot.<P>In being honest with myself, I did not want a divorce, yet I could not control my husband's refusal to be affectionate or understanding. So, what's next? I have decided to do my part as a wife. If he wants a divorce, I'm not going to make it easy for him or her.<P>Some days are better than others, but I have noticed he comes home earlier now. I don't fuss at him. I am courting him all over again. In my mind, I have decided to "out-deposit the OW.<P>I already have the advantage--and that is--I am his wife. I am where she wants to be. So, I work from that standpoint. <P>Yes, there are days I get upset, but I remind myself of the choice I made to fight for my marriage.<P>In every war, there is a casualty. Maybe the casualty of this particular battle is my pride. No, I don't deserve to have to woo my husband back, yet I will not initiate a divorce, either.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.

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Dear Trapped Mom:<P>Plan A is a hard concept to grasp.<P>It helps to ask yourself what you want.<P>Do you want your marriage?<P>Do you want your family united?<P>Do you want your H back in your arms, in your bed, and in your heart?<P>If your answer is "YES!" than you must find it within yourself to ACT IN A MANNER WHICH IS CONSISTANT WITH WHAT YOU WANT. <P>Make no mistake...YOU ARE PLAN Aing to GET WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU! You are Plan Aing to get what you WANT and DESIRE.<P>Some people here will say NOT to think of it as a game, BUT I did/do think of it as a game. It's easier for me that way. I like games. And, I LIKE TO WIN....<P>Take some time to think about it. When you're able to flip it around, and see how Plan A will benefit YOU and the FAMILY, it's 100% easier to do.<P>Peace, ~Marie

Joined: Aug 2000
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I guess what I will be doing is a modified plan a/b. We are separated (for 9 days)and I am initating the divorce proceedings because he says he's not happy and he inferred the only way to be happy was to be with OW. Main reason is so I can be assured I will receive money. No, that's not true. I want to hurt H and OW and thru the pocketbook is the only way now. I mostly plan b - no contact except when he calls to talk to kids. Have to meet with him this week - which i'm dreading. I really LB the last week we were together. H is angry with me now - because i moved out this time with kids or the LB??? Not really sure about that. The only thing I feel I can do right now with dignity is plan b. I WILL NOT COMPETE WITH A WH^%^ for my H. Maybe I do want a divorce - I'm sick of the emotional roller coaster. I know H must get OW out of his system. I am really sad that this is my life now, but don't I deserve better??? Don't my children deserve better???? Yes, I love him, but not so much that I am willing to give up myself and my children in the process. After all the lies and sleazy behavior, how could I ever trust him again anyway? Not to mention the fact that the OW is not going anywhere - she's winning the game! My head knows I need to get on with my life without him - want my heart to follow.


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