<BR>Hi Everyone -<P>This is going to be long...bear with me if I have to stop, save and start again so I don't lose anything if I get interupted.<P>Before I tell about Friday's divorce....I have to back up a bit and fill you in on what has been happening since my last update. (which I really don't remember, so I am guessing!!)<P>H had been here one day about a month and a half ago. He was kind of distant and awnry. Made a statement to the effect of "when we are divorced I will tell you anything you want to know". Among other things....<P>A couple of weeks later, my aunt passed away. She was very close to my immediate family - always there on holidays, birthdays, picnics, etc. - so H knew her very well. I called him about some mail and told him about my Aunt. He said that he was going to go to the wake in uniform cuz he would be working. I told him that was very nice that he was going. (he didn't go to my Uncle's last January..so I was glad that he could make this one). <P>Well, he never showed. He didn't even send a card to her daughter or my mom. He was taught to pay his respects, so I knew that he just couldn't bring himself to face the family. But to not send a card? I lost a little more respect for him after that, which made me very sad.<P>I didn't hear from him since then. He skipped a check one week, and I had a little anxiety about how/when to broach the subject with him. I knew that it wasn't like him to do that and figured that he just messed up accidentally. I didn't want to call him since he wasn't in contact, yet I needed the check for the mortgage. I kept silent and planned on bringing it up at the end of the month. This way it covered my not wanting to call him and it not being a LB in some way that I would only call for money.<P>First time contact was at court on Friday.<P>Except for brief discussions with our respective attorneys, H and I stuck together like glue from the moment we entered the courthouse! Although awkward at first, we finally looked at each other and saw my "oh GOD, Babe PLEASE don't do this!!!" and his "I'm so sorry, Hon, but I HAVE TO" in each other's eyes!!! Four eyes welled up and I broke it saying "It's just so sad" and he said "but we need it".<P>Went into general conversation mode after that....Yada, yada - "sorry I missed the wake, got caught up blah, blah"...Me - "I was surprised you didn't go, even my brother's ex called and sent a card!" (Yeah a LB maybe, but I didn't care!!!) I wasn't angry, just matter-of-fact. He said "you know I hate those things" I just said "most people do".<P>Went into a conference room with attorneys to attempt to get the agreement finalized so we wouldn't have to go to trial. My lawyer was a bit snippy with H and I got mad. One time, while H was reading the agreement, she said "If we could have H's attention please!!" real nasty and I was proud of how he handled it. She told H that if he would give her $1000. any debt I had with her would be discarded. He refused (which He might not of if she wasn't so mean to him). She said "See Sheba, that's marriage for you!" I snapped, "No, it's not marriage, it's this legal crap" (yes, I said crap!! Hey, I was mad, she was putting him down and it wasn't right!)<P>The lawyers kicked us out while they did their paperwork and we walked around, talked and he even came with me while I had a smoke. When they finished we went into the courtroom. H on one side, me on the other. Judge hadn't come in yet. I was getting antsy - foot tapping, then leg jumping. Finally I asked my attorney if I had enough time to get a hug from H...she announces (really embarassing) that I am approaching their table to see H if he would be so kind!! UGH!!<P>I just walked up to him and said, "Honey, I really need a Hug!" He stood and hugged me really tight!! I said "I love you" and he said "me, too".....<P>Judge comes in...puts H on stand...asks questions like "do you fully agree with final settlement, blah, blah....". H gets down....my turn (thankfully from table, cuz if I had to walk to the stand I don't think my legs would have cooperated!!) I answered questions....<P>Then the judge just stared alternately between me and H for what seemed like a long time, but I'm sure it was only a minute. He said "I want to commend you both for your attitudes and cooperation on this. It is VERY OBVIOUS that there is much care and concern for each other here. It is not very often that two such people are presented before me." <P>While each of us were answering his questions....the other was looking and smiled encouragement and support so neither of us were too nervous...I think the judge saw us doing that......Also, I saw the sheriff walk up to the judge just after he came in and say something...he might have told him about the hug, etc. cuz he was right next to us when we did it and heard what we said.<P>All I know is he didn't ask anything about who wanted it and why, etc......THANK GOODNESS!!!<P>One thing I picked up even though I was, at this point, starting to go numb was that he declared us divorced saying "irretrievable breakdown" even though I made them cross that part out on the papers!!! Oh well, at least it is not written where I had to sign my name!!!<P>The judge banged the gavel and called for the next case...I just stood there....My lawyer tapped me and I must have practically run out of there!!! I ran down the hall and out to the foyer and just lost it!!!!<P>Next thing I knew my lawyer had her arm around me asking if I was OK, H's lawyer was there with his hand out to shake and H just put his arms around me and pulled me out the door!!! I did manage to say thank you and shake hands - I remember that at least!!!!<P>H had his arm around me and was holding my hand, mumbling something about "where did you park?". I said " Can I have my friend back now?" chokingly through the onslaught of tears. He said" you always had him" and I said "OK, Fine..but will he come out and play NICE with me NOW!!!" He said "Of course!"<P>Mind you, I haven't looked at him yet....when I did, he was crying too!!!! I tell ya, I think that we both have cried more at that darn courthouse than we have since we've known each other!!!!<P>I remember saying something about "this is not for God it's just for people".....<P>I told him that I was sorry that I let him down as a wife and he said that I didn't, it was him - ALL HIM!!!! I asked him to promise me that he wouldn't be like the rest of his family and kick me out of existance. He said that he couldn't even if he wanted to, which he didn't!! I said "Good, cuz I couldn't stand that." He said that he couldn't either. He said, "Promise me something?" "What?", I asked...."promise me that you won't let guys use you." HUH? I said, "Guys?, what?". He said, "Don't let them use you, you use them!"<P>I have no idea where that came from or what it means.....<P>We got to my car and I asked him how he felt.....did he feel relief from some of the pressure he had. He said "some, but I have butterflies"....Hmm?<P>He said that he was sorry and that he never meant for this to happen. He asked me if I was OK to drive, and surprisingly, I had already stopped crying and felt a great deal of relief myself!!!! I think he saw it too. He still had the tears. I think that we spoke of their being a reason why this was happening to us and that who knows what the future holds at this point.....<P>This - you will get a kick out of!!! As we are standing at the car, I look over and a cop is just finishing writing me a parking ticket!!!! IMAGINE!!! I was ten minutes over the allotted time for the space!!!<P>H, being a cop (in another city) asked him to give me a break, just got divorced, he's a fellow cop, blah, blah....NO DICE!! I thought H was going to punch him!! I just said, "Hon, drop it - it's only 5 bucks and it's kind of befitting...one final kick in the pants for me"!!!! And I laughed!!!! H didn't know how to react to that I don't think!!!<P>He told me that he wanted to come to the house the next day and I said fine and smiled, hugged and kissed him. One VERY important thing happened as we parted. I saw the first genuine, huge smile on his face that I have seen since this all began 4 years ago!!! Directed at me!!!!! Came complete with the sparkling hazel eyes and soft featured face that I remember so well!!!!<P>And he actually did follow through and come over!!!!<P>Before I get into the next day....I have to try to explain something that I am still not sure about.<P>Something happened to me....something heavy broke free a bit at that courthouse.....<P>I think it was the DREAD....the heaviness of the whole "divorce" meaning and stigma. I am not sure, but I think that is what it was. I just know that I felt lighter. I could look at H by that car and smile!! I wasn't thinking what do I say or how do I say this.......<P>I just conversed!!!! Strange, but wonderful!!! Almost NORMAL..from what I remember of normal!!! LOL!!!<P>OK, on to the next day....I must reiterate here that you are in WADworld and are cautioned not to drink close to electronic equipment!!!<P>I had slept like a log and woke up early and completely refreshed!!! I started the day cleaning....believe me when I say that I usually need at least two cups of coffee before thinking of tackling that!!! LOL!!!<P>Around 11am, H calls....with a sweet, low voice asking me how I am. What a honey!!! I was bright and bubbly, so I don't know how he took that!!! He asked if he could come over and I said sure and then took the opportunity to ask him about the missing check. He didn't get offended, like I had imagined!!! In fact, he had me help him straighten out his checkbook and figure his mistake. He apologized for the error and said that with my help, he would eventually get things right!!<P>I kinda laughed at that!!!! Of course, I was thinking of his whole life not just the checkbook!!!! (I know, kind of bad!!!)<P>I had prepared myself for his reason for coming over being that he was going to get some of his stuff that's still here....in the papers there was a date of 10/15 to get everything out or else it's mine. I don't even know why it was there....both of us had said that it didn't matter!!<P>When he pulled in, Britt (the dog) and I went out to greet him - she hadn't seen him in a long time and I thought she would wag her tail right off her hiney!!!! <P>I had no anxiousness at seeing him, I hadn't run and spiffed myself up for him...I looked pretty good for a woman who was doing her Saturday cleaning (which was exactly who I was at the moment!!) Nothing fancy, no pretenses - just me!!!!<P>The first thing I saw was that smile again.....ooh baby, two days in a row!! He was just as at ease as I was!<P>I don't know what it was...<P>We visited for a while, then he started walking around with me in tow, looking at all the different things he has here that are his. He kept making comments like "I hate moving things" and "Oh, remember this.....". He did some things like replacing the shoplite bulbs, sweeping cobwebs in the garage, etc. as we went along.<P>He saw how I had started on redoing the bedroom and listened intently as I explained what I hoped to do in it. He mentioned that his roommate at the condo raised his rent $100. I jokingly said, "Well, when I get the room done, I just might be looking for a border....I would only charge you what you paid before." He laughed and said "that would be something". Then a bit later he said, "you know, if I took it, I would still have my basement and garage with all the things I built for my stuff." I said "no problem, just two rules - no sluts and no psychos". He cracked up!!!!<P>We talked so freely and casually that at some moments even I thought "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE"!!!!!<P>After about an hour and a half, he was leaving. As we stood on the backporch, I said "Well, you told me that after the divorce you would tell me anything I want to know"....and held my breath to see how he would wiggle out of it......<P>"What do you want to know, BABE!!!!"<BR>Oh my God!!! Ok Sheba...make it good!!<P>I said, " I want to know who you are now....what you do, what you're likes are, what you think about, where you have put our relationship in your mind, things like that!!"<P>He said "Oh, you don't just want details". "No, you can tell me whatever you want about your activities, but I am really interested in who my friend is and where he is at right now".<P>WELL, he opened up....told me EVERYTHING!!!!! And I do mean everything!!!! I got names, places, activities, feelings (or lack thereof), explanations as far as he could define or remember. I asked a few questions of expansion occasionally, but he basically just purged himself.....He was very respectful doing so. He would hesitate and wait to see if it was OK to proceed based on my reaction. I urged him forward. <P>Heck, at this point - NOTHING would shock or hurt me.....been there and had most of it figured out anyway. Told him that when he expressed his astonishment that I was so calm.<P>I do want to tell you all a few things....I had speculated that the female cop from the gym was the main OW and that he had numerous laydies, remember? Well, I was right - to a point!! Shecop was the main OW, then (and how stupid is this?) they split when he wouldn't agree to get married and have a kid!!! WELL, DUH!!! He had told her he wanted to be single, to not have to account to anyone, etc. WHERE in that do you see another wife and to add a kid?<P>Do any of you remember the psycho B!tch who would call me at 4AM and that one time when she called and H had come home to tell me she was mad cuz he wouldn't stay all night with her? She was the one with the stinky perfume all the time....<P>She's a nut....and SHE is the main one that he is seeing now. WHY? GREAT SEX!!!!! That's it!!! When she goes psycho on him, he just leaves her alone for a few weeks and she comes to him with "I love you, I'm sorry, F#ck me!!!!" (sorry for the graphics, but this is the reality!!!!) Sick stuff!!<P>I took all of this in stride, actually he laughed at one point. He told me it was her and I faked being stabbed in the heart and said "Oh, H...NOOoo, not psycho!!!! Are you nuts!!!" He laughed and said, "Oh, you remember her?" Like I could forget!!! Sheesh!<P>I asked what she did for a living and he said she was a physical therapist. Then it clicked, she wasn't a physical therapist.....she is a Massage therapist!!!!! "Wait a second, I remember now, she's a massage therapist...why are you lying!!!" He turned bright red and said, "well, I can't very well go around telling people THAT!!!" Amazing!!!<P>I asked how involved they were, if he wanted to tell me....like did she meet his folks (yes and he was embarassed to tell me that one!!), what did they do together besides sex? (not much - dinner, movie sometimes.....) Did he take her shooting, fishing, hunting, paintball, anything that he used to enjoy? - NO!!!<P>BTW - this psycho is in her early twenties!!!! Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!<P>Who were his friends? Mostly females, some cops!!!<P>What were his thoughts about me when he was doing these things? (BTW - he was seeing four women at one time for awhile!!) - ABSOLUTELY NO THOUGHTS OF ME AT ALL!!!! Hmm? Can you say COMPARTMENTALIZATION!!!! If not - just stick with Jekyll/Hyde!!! LOL!!<P>When asked about why he pulled away from me...that darn work nonsense came out of his mouth again!! I gently pointed out that it could have started before that and even if it didn't, he threw us away over a lousy $100 bucks more a week? Not!!! Look a bit deeper H cuz it's more than that - it has to be. He was surprised by that!!<P>Oh, what else....so much was said!!!<P>He said something (can't remember what right now) that led into me saying "Don't misunderstand, I don't believe in divorce and you know that. I Love you and because of that, did not fight you in this. You wanted it and felt that you needed it to be happy. I love you enough to do that. BUT I stil consider you my H and I don't know if that will ever change." He didn't say anything.....just looked kind of amazed.<P>Remember how he had said that he wants to grow old with me in 10,20 or 30 years.....well, I told him that I still had this vision of us older, sitting in lawn chairs in the yard of our log house by the lake....said that it wasn't fading and had to mean something. He said it will probably be us!!! GULP!!!!!<P>Oh, forgot to mention that Psycho B. was VERY upset that I didn't give H back his name and return to my maiden one.....like I care!!!! I asked if it upset HIM......NO, it surprised him though.....WHY? and that led to the "always wife" statements that I said above......<P>He said that mainly he just gets excited about work.....that was proven, because He got paged to go in for overtime as we were talking. He had been here about 4 hours by then, and I am sure we could have kept going!!<P>He left and (shoot forgot to tell you that he had given me a real honest to goodness LIP kiss along with my big hug when we were on the porch before we got into the "talking") LIP KISSED me again!!!!! People....this is HUGE!!!! THESE old lips haven't felt anything but chapstick for YEARS!!!!<P>YEEEEE- HAAAAA<P>Ok....ahem.....anyway.......<P>I came inside and it hit me....<P>I knew right then that H and I are not supposed to be together....hadn't been for awhile and weren't going to be for another long while!!! It was my time to find my niche. The best explanation that I can give is that it hit my heart that we started growing not only in different directions, but at different paces back when this started.....until we come to the same level with our lives again (and I KNOW that we will) we aren't supposed to be in the everyday togetherness because we are holding each other back.<P>It isn't coming out right.....but I am very OK with what has happened. I know that this is my time to discover what I am meant to do/be. Where I am right now in life would not have occurred if all this mess didn't happen. I am SUPPOSED to know this stuff, to have found this knowledge, to have explored my writing and helping others. <P>It's like God gave me a glimpse at the "Plan"......jeez, I hope I don't sound stupid!!! It's so difficult to explain. I can only say that I feel "springy" - ME!!! MISS NEVER DIVORCE!! I thought I would be down for months after it.......It opened us up....not shut us down!!!<P>Twenty minutes after H left, he called!!! He had stopped at the condo, changed and was on his way to work. He said, "See how excited I got that work called....well, that is ALL I get happy about these days".<P>He went on to say, "So, what do you think? Do you think that the old H is gone?" I said, "absolutely not!!! He's still in there and coming closer to the surface everyday!!!!" He said, "Really Babe?" and I said "YEP!! Remember this is all happening for a reason....." He then freaked me out!!!!<P>We used to have these little voices sometimes for certain things....he Says (in one of the little voices) "OK, I am going to go get the bad guys now.....wish me luck" I responded in my customary "little voice" - "go get 'em"..."be careful".....<P>Hadn't done that in years.......<P>I FEEL GOOD!!!! I FEEL SECURE!!!!!<P>There is ALWAYS HOPE when you let yourself follow your heart...the "Plan" is there....we just don't see it all the time.<P>I have no idea what is going to happen. I do know that this is not over. H will be in my life. To what extent, I don't know. But as I GROW, I am sure I will discover it!!!<P>I love you all and THANK YOU for getting me through to this wonderful point!!!! I owe you my life!!!!<P>Hopefully, I can start giving something back.....<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited September 18, 2000).]

Sheba, you are one amazing person. I truly commend you on your loving attitude in such a difficult situation. Ya know..... sometimes you really do have to let them go....so they can come back!!! Perhaps some people have this "idea" of marraige that they cannot let go of. And when it is "tarnished" in some way..... by either party.... Perhaps the best way is to let it go....<P>And if and when it can start anew....it's anew....cleansed of all the "bad vibes".<P>Kind of like writing all your woes on paper and putting them into balloons and either popping them or letting them fly out the window.....<P>This is a ritual. I know it sounds strange. But people....dating way back....thrive on ritual. A piece of paper doesn't end it... Just like the marraige licence doesn't make it perfect. <P>Rituals cleanse!!! Ceremony of any kind is just one stopping point in the circle of life. <P>I want you to know...it has been your positive vibes and words that has kept me going in my own complicated situation. You are an inspiration simply by your faith!! In your case, reality is the unseen. That to me is true faith. I'm not there yet, but am working on it. <P>I'll be looking for the next installment!!!

Sheba:<P>Where is your bitterness? Where is the OP? That was so sad... Obviously, I don't know your whole story but do you still want him back? My heart was breaking for you as I read your post.

Sheba, you are truly a strong person and I can't believe he didn't just stop the thing from happening.......sometimes Men are so dumb.......Just wanted you to know how proud I am of you! God Bless!

Sheba- Wow you do have strength. I myself will be going to the judge in a few weeks. We wouldn't have to but H is to cheap to get his own attorney. I'm really ok with this now. I still shed a few tears at least once a day but its getting alot better. Most of the tears are when I start remembering the last 17 years. There was alot of good times.<BR>I just talked to H and at first he was mad at me about something until I calmed him down and explained it wasn't my fault. My Aunt died on Sat and he told me he was sorry. I really stayed calm and nice and I think he ended up feeling really sorry by the end of the conversation. I refuse to end this enemies. We have three kids together and I want us to be able to still solve what problems arise with them together. I still love him but it just wasn't meant to be. He seems happy for now with OW. I guess really showing you love someone is letting them go. <BR>So that is what I am doing. Hopefully someday I will find that certain person that can love me as much as I love them.<P>Sorry for the rambling on your thread. I wish only the very best for you. You put up a good strong fight for your marriage and you should be proud of yourself. I guess some things are just not meant to be.<P>Love,<P>Jill

SHeba My best friend told me that that divorce paper is only that a piece of paper. Best of Luck in the future.

Dear Sheba,<BR>((((((hugs))))) my goodness girl. I hope you do have your friend back. cl

Thanks Folks but I haven't even gotten to the amazing parts yet!!!!<P>Hold on to your hats!!!<P>Sorry to have to keep adding but I get interupted and I can't lose what I have written and start all over!!!<P>Thanks for your patience....<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Sheba-<P>I am so truly amazed at your strength, courage, up beat attitude, positive everything <P>I can't imagine that there is one of us here that wouldn't give anything to have your outlook on life!<P>Your post made me cry-and my H is sitting right here.<P>But it is almost like watching Bridges of Madison County. My mind is screaming NO!!! Don't do it!!! You two seem so perfect for each other <P>Sheba-you are truly amazing!!! I envy you.<P>Can I ask one question? Do you ever crack?<P>How I wish I was so positive in my life. I still have much to learn!<P>HUGS and Wishes for a very happy future!<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Sheba ... you're making me crazy. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face and I don't know the end (or middle or beginning or whatever it is going to be) of the story!!!<P> <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I'm sorry Terri -<P>almost done.....I just have to save or I'll lose it!!!!<P>

Jeez...<P>Guess I'll have to set my alarm for half an hour early to see if you've posted the rest of this.<P>You're killin me!<P>Way to be an inspiration to those of us whose lives are spiraling out of our control.<P>Thanks...allison

Dear dear Sheba...<P>I read your post and you've got to know, I haven't cried so hard or so real since my H told me about his A. <P>You truly touched my soul. I see nothing but love from you, how do you do it, how do you open up that way? It's amazing to me, I want to be a Sheba-like person, please teach me.<P>I'm praying tonight for the wisdom and patience that God has shared with you. You are one very special person. I hope you know that.<P>God Bless you Sheba, and God Bless your WoD too!<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Sorry guys......it's all done now!!!<P>I will reply tomorrow....I am exhausted and my fingers hurt!!!! LOL!!!<P>Sorry it's so long....when things happen, they happen at once!!!!<P>HUGS and hope I didn't bore you to those tears!!!!<P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>My burned puppy buddy. Hurry up, what the hell is taking you so long? Use all ten fingers to type!<P>I only wish you and all our friends here the best and hope you know that.<P>The Pinhead

Sheba,<BR>Responded to your post and before I could enter it, got booted off .<BR>Just wanted to tell you I cried while reading about your time in court.I dont really know your history,but for 2 people that care so much about eachother the divorce seems out of place. <BR>Were you in plan b before the divorce,or did you only do plan a?bethn <BR>

alone1...I'll field your question for Sheba. She plan A'd like few of us could. She wanted this marriage with all of her heart and her heart is so good, we couldn't see how her H could stay away, but he did.<P>Many encouraged her to Plan B, but that wasn't Sheba. She could not, would not do something she saw as playing games in her case, because Sheba is exceptionally honest. Although she had limited contact, she continued to reach out to her wayward H and be his friend, because she thought there was no one else in his life that could hold up a mirror and show him a glimpse of his former self.<P>She was brave and strong and perservering for well over a year, maybe two. I can't say enough wonderful things about her.<P>Sheba...don't mean to talk for you...hope I got it about right.

Sheba, thank you for updating us on your situation. It was heart-breaking to read. But, you are living proof that anyone can get through one of the most difficult situations a person can be in, and still feel good about themselves.<P>Good luck in your future.

Wow, Sheba. Can't wait to hear the rest .<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Sheba, you poopie, tell the rest!!!!! I'm dying to hear!!!! <P>Sheryl