This is one perspective on why men have affairs :<P>When we first marry generally speaking…we have a picture in our minds of what life is going to be like with this friend and lover of ours whom we are crazy about …we want to be with them all the time, and we want to learn all their idiosyncrasies likes and dislikes…there are things about them that we adore and are so proud of…and for a while cannot find much fault with them … excitedly seeing our future with them as being so happy and prosperous….with fabulous children, good income, excess dollars in the bank, successful career etc… this picture begins to fade and fall apart after time when we discover there are things about her we dont like…and the future that looked so rosy before doesn’t look as rosy anymore….. the kids we looked forward to having so much, turn out to be so noisy, time consuming, attention grasping, and occupying all of her time, leaving little time for romance like we once had , intimate conversation, or even any conversation that close friends engage in or supposed to engage in….<P>The responsibility of being married can start to weigh a little heavy…financial burdens of house, furniture, car, other goods, the insatiable demand of kids clothes, toys, schooling, care and sporting activities all add to this weight that never seems to end ….and she seems so occupied with other things and does have not time left for me anymore…perhaps she does not love me anymore either..??? I will test her!! And make critical remarks just to see how she takes it…. <BR>The romantic ideal of our future has now all but disappeared and the seeds of discomfort, disappointment and negative thought can pervade ones psyche….this is the time when the weight of responsibility and feelings of neglect can trigger deep emotional pain, fear and hurt long buried and forgotten and push them to the fore stimulating negative thoughts of loss of love, and actions that follow……eg: finding someone else that will give him the attention he seeks….and make him feel like a man…. <P>This is where the going gets tough and one has to become a man….lots of men never mature past this point and prefer to stay in their boyhood memory where it feels safe, wishing for Mom to come make things better, and of course she doesn’t….<BR>He can go on this fruitless search for the soul mate, safety, from woman to woman in search of that comfort and getting angrier and angrier when it does not happen… <P>There are many other reasons for male infidelity of course....here are a couple more….. <P>1. I would call this one life reckoning...some call it mid life crisis...this is where he begins to realise he is closer to his death than to his birth...and wonders about his attractiveness, his perceived lost youth ..so starts the preening and flirting etc....it also can make him wonder about what he has missed out on...and starts to find fault with his spouse to give him the courage and justification for his thoughts and or actions....he can file a whole lot of these demeaning thoughts about his spouse and build up in his mind a good case for leaving her.....he can behave in nasty ways towards her and treat her badly in general....maybe keep silent and not communicate at all...and can start the affair in secrecy and maintain that for quite some time believing its her fault it is happening.....<P>2. Fear of Intimacy: This is I believe the most prominent reason for male infidelity.... <P>Stimulated by his young painful memories of separation from Mom or a feminine figure that was important to him in the impressionable years of childhood... painful feelings of abandonment, feelings of being left out..unloved etc...from Mom or some feminine icon whom he trusted and loved as a youngster .....this deeply hidden memory makes him fear loving any woman too closely in case she leaves him bringing him close to his pain and hurt carried and pushed down year after year... he would fear the intimacy so much so that when it happens he would do something to put distance between himself and the woman he loves .....an affair is the ideal way of doing this...he succeeds in getting the distance that makes him feel safe....and has a back up comfort zone and safety in the OW .. a port in a storm if his spouse throws him out....( he is not going to be hurt by a woman again!) <P>He can leave clues for his W to find out about the affair so she can accuse him, thereby absolving him from his guilt (by feeling she is victimising/punishing him) and he can feel safe with her upset because she will do the pushing away and he does not have to do it..... yet he yearns the closeness and love because he feels unloved...a catch 22 situation for him... the OW can be more comfortable to be with short term because she does not pose as much threat to him as the one he loves deeply....<P>He makes comparisons between the two relationships and can think that his affair with the ow is the greatest thing because he feels so free with her and can communicate with her like no other (this is easy when there are no responsibilities and where there is newness of discovery and exploration) may make him think he married the wrong woman etc but this is fantasy because he has not lived with her yet….and its only until he does that he will really know the true reality of her in total…....and all this "I have found my soul mate" stuff will crash around his ears because the unresolved motivations buried deep within him that started this in the first place go with him into the next relationship he commits himself to and so on etc.... and each time he takes on the responsibilities that go with a committed relationship, and he has discovered and explored everything about her....the mundane of life sets in again....and if he has deepened his relationship with her to a love similar to the depth of the wife he left...the same fears that arose in that previous relationship now arise again in this one and so begins his merry go round raising fears of insecurity etc.. <P>Blessings<BR> <BR>Cossie.....<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Hello, Cossie!<P>Very, very insightful. I can certainly see my husband's actions in your description. Yet....<P>He always treated me as if he adored me. Sometimes he would get involved in things like work, hobbies, etc., and perhaps become a bit self-involved and neglectful. But he always told me endlessly how much he loved and valued me.<P>My husband's affair happened when he became involved with a long-time friend shortly after his mother became ill and died over just a 10 week period. She was taken to the emergency room for what seemed to be a non-serious medical problem, but was never released from the hospital/care facility. In your opinion, does this trauma help explain why he would do something so out of character?<P>I have noticed that traumatic events and mid-life crises seem common among betrayers. I am very interested in your viewpoint on this. I am one of the betrayed that was completely blindsided by the affair.<P>Thanks in advance for your comments!<P>Peppermint<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited February 28, 2000).]

Hi Pepperemint,<P>Thanks for your comments...<P>My guess would be in your H's case that it would be a combination of both the mid life crisis and fear of intimacy...? and yes trauma can be the catalyst that shocks one into crisis that motivates uncommon behaviour....<P>The realization that life is short....his Mom going into hospital and not coming out..can bring home the impact of just how short life can be and how unpredictable it can be also....could have made him very much aware of his own mortality (mid life Crisis)<P>Losing his mother (one he loves) would also bring him to the realization that he could lose you (the other woman he loves) big time..!!!!one he loves so deeply...so his fear of loss of you would drive him to insulate/protect himself against the pain and hurt of that great loss.....the greater the love the greater the fear of loss...!!!(fear of intimacy) so he would have this affair without understanding what was driving him...and could try to find fault with...his relationship, or you....or himself...in his quest for answers...<P>This is not to say that all men who love their wives dearly will go thru this.....not at all...but of those who do have affairs herein lie some of the reasons.....<P>It is understanble your comment that you were blindsided by this affair....as you were not expecting this action from him...and had no time to prepare for it either...he had time to emotionally and mentally prepare himself and that is part of the affair process...its no shock for him because of this preparation but an enormous shock and devastation for you...<P>We all go thru a mid life crisis in some form or other...some do it thru affairs some thru other trauma but the same result....it brings us to our inner selves and prepares us for spiritual growth and inner knowing...or spoken another way....the spirit inside is asking for more learning and understanding of self....more growth...time to get on with it....what you came to this planet for...<P>Hope that helps a little..? are you and your H divorced,..? in recovery..? separated..?<P>Many blessings<P>cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Hello again!<P>We are in recovery, and doing fairly well. At least we seem to be much further along than most of the other couples I read about. I found out about the affair on 9/27/99 and after a brief period of near insanity we went to a counselor and I found this site.<P>Thanks so much for your response. I am going to show this to my husband. He posts here sometimes as firestorm.<P>Thanks again,<P>Peppermint

Hi Peppermint,<P>Thats great..!! its really good to hear that you are in recovery and doing well, congratulations...I do think the counselling is a necessary part of recovery and helps a lot in aligning thinking and improving communication skills...<P>Good luck to you and your H...he must also be a person with the will to be more...to discover more about himself which leads to inner growth self empowerment and peace within...<P>Blessings<P>cossie

You have explained my husbands reasons perfectly he claimed I paid no attention to9 him and cared more about everything else, which was totally untrue I love my husband and us being apart for 3 months was the best thing for both of us, even though he was living with the W, I think he realized what I meant to him, I just cant forget what happened and it hurts every day but I have children to worry about. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cossie:<BR><B>This is one perspective on why men have affairs :<P>When we first marry generally speaking…we have a picture in our minds of what life is going to be like with this friend and lover of ours whom we are crazy about …we want to be with them all the time, and we want to learn all their idiosyncrasies likes and dislikes…there are things about them that we adore and are so proud of…and for a while cannot find much fault with them … excitedly seeing our future with them as being so happy and prosperous….with fabulous children, good income, excess dollars in the bank, successful career etc… this picture begins to fade and fall apart after time when we discover there are things about her we dont like…and the future that looked so rosy before doesn’t look as rosy anymore….. the kids we looked forward to having so much, turn out to be so noisy, time consuming, attention grasping, and occupying all of her time, leaving little time for romance like we once had , intimate conversation, or even any conversation that close friends engage in or supposed to engage in….<P>The responsibility of being married can start to weigh a little heavy…financial burdens of house, furniture, car, other goods, the insatiable demand of kids clothes, toys, schooling, care and sporting activities all add to this weight that never seems to end ….and she seems so occupied with other things and does have not time left for me anymore…perhaps she does not love me anymore either..??? I will test her!! And make critical remarks just to see how she takes it…. <BR>The romantic ideal of our future has now all but disappeared and the seeds of discomfort, disappointment and negative thought can pervade ones psyche….this is the time when the weight of responsibility and feelings of neglect can trigger deep emotional pain, fear and hurt long buried and forgotten and push them to the fore stimulating negative thoughts of loss of love, and actions that follow……eg: finding someone else that will give him the attention he seeks….and make him feel like a man…. <P>This is where the going gets tough and one has to become a man….lots of men never mature past this point and prefer to stay in their boyhood memory where it feels safe, wishing for Mom to come make things better, and of course she doesn’t….<BR>He can go on this fruitless search for the soul mate, safety, from woman to woman in search of that comfort and getting angrier and angrier when it does not happen… <P>There are many other reasons for male infidelity of course....here are a couple more….. <P>1. I would call this one life reckoning...some call it mid life crisis...this is where he begins to realise he is closer to his death than to his birth...and wonders about his attractiveness, his perceived lost youth ..so starts the preening and flirting etc....it also can make him wonder about what he has missed out on...and starts to find fault with his spouse to give him the courage and justification for his thoughts and or actions....he can file a whole lot of these demeaning thoughts about his spouse and build up in his mind a good case for leaving her.....he can behave in nasty ways towards her and treat her badly in general....maybe keep silent and not communicate at all...and can start the affair in secrecy and maintain that for quite some time believing its her fault it is happening.....<P>2. Fear of Intimacy: This is I believe the most prominent reason for male infidelity.... <P>Stimulated by his young painful memories of separation from Mom or a feminine figure that was important to him in the impressionable years of childhood... painful feelings of abandonment, feelings of being left out..unloved etc...from Mom or some feminine icon whom he trusted and loved as a youngster .....this deeply hidden memory makes him fear loving any woman too closely in case she leaves him bringing him close to his pain and hurt carried and pushed down year after year... he would fear the intimacy so much so that when it happens he would do something to put distance between himself and the woman he loves .....an affair is the ideal way of doing this...he succeeds in getting the distance that makes him feel safe....and has a back up comfort zone and safety in the OW .. a port in a storm if his spouse throws him out....( he is not going to be hurt by a woman again!) <P>He can leave clues for his W to find out about the affair so she can accuse him, thereby absolving him from his guilt (by feeling she is victimising/punishing him) and he can feel safe with her upset because she will do the pushing away and he does not have to do it..... yet he yearns the closeness and love because he feels unloved...a catch 22 situation for him... the OW can be more comfortable to be with short term because she does not pose as much threat to him as the one he loves deeply....<P>He makes comparisons between the two relationships and can think that his affair with the ow is the greatest thing because he feels so free with her and can communicate with her like no other (this is easy when there are no responsibilities and where there is newness of discovery and exploration) may make him think he married the wrong woman etc but this is fantasy because he has not lived with her yet….and its only until he does that he will really know the true reality of her in total…....and all this "I have found my soul mate" stuff will crash around his ears because the unresolved motivations buried deep within him that started this in the first place go with him into the next relationship he commits himself to and so on etc.... and each time he takes on the responsibilities that go with a committed relationship, and he has discovered and explored everything about her....the mundane of life sets in again....and if he has deepened his relationship with her to a love similar to the depth of the wife he left...the same fears that arose in that previous relationship now arise again in this one and so begins his merry go round raising fears of insecurity etc.. <P>Blessings<BR> <BR>Cossie.....<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Cossie:<BR>You are filled with wisdom! I see my H in your letter also. Only he lost his father 2 years ago, and I think that triggered something in him that is taking him down the wrong path. I have some questions for you....<BR>Long story short, my husband enjoys meeting people on the internet and has had a couple of encounters. Since his father died, he quit working for a year to take some time out, started drinking heavier, put on weight, and spent more time exploring the internet. He now blames me for his drinking because I wasn't sexually there for him. (we have two young children and I have been the primary caregiver - I'm tired all the time!). Since we have had the children, I have started attending church and am now pretty involved (choir director, parish council secretary). I've tried to get him to attend with me, but he says no. He says I should take them to the Baptist church (his denomination), but won't attend with me there either. I'm not Baptist, so why should I take them there without him? I know I've made a huge mistake by putting the kids needs in front of his, and I'm willing to make up for it, but now he feels that his time is short on earth and wants to "explore" before his time is up. His family has heart/high cholestoral, high blood pressure problems - his father died of a heart attack and other members of his family have had the same problems, so he thinks he's doomed. That's why he doesn't watch his weight, diet, smokes, drinks, etc. Just so you don't think he is a [censored], he is a great father, provider and a great companion. We still talk and are each others soul mates. I keep thinking if he will start attending church and get close to God, that everything else will fall into place. Am I wrong? How can I get this stupid mid-life/path to destruction crisis over with?

Thank you for your responses...I am unable to get here as much as I would like but will answer as best I can when I am able to get here...<P>JDarm5.....When H leaves or behaves in a manner which causes others stress he usually has to justify his actions and the best way a guy finds to do this is to put the blame where his source of fear lies....it does in some way protect him from attack, because the moment he blames you...you have to defend yourself and when you are doing that you cannot attack him so there is safety in this move....<P>Everyday you hurt..remind yourself that you were true to you....remind yourself that you are not to blame for his actions...he is...he did the deed so he is responsible for that....he had a choice...he could have complained to you and not given up on your relationship....thereby allowing communication on issues which pain him to be exposed and hopefully resolved satisfactorily....<P>Change your attitude to your position....begin to see yourself as a person learning lessons from your experiences...feel the pain that arises within you...allow it to have its expression then take over again...you are the boss here...dont allow your emotions to dictate you how you are going to live....dont stay in the pain....its only there to temper your strength.....to make you aware of who you really are...and you are more than your pain...you are the boss...take control of your life.....allow it time at your say so...dont allow it to rule .....busy yourself with things that are physical if you can...gardening running walking..sport working hard without over doing it...keep your mind busy at other times....and keep reassuring yourself that you are ok...you are a good mother and woman...keep giving to yourself build your self esteem...dont allow yourself to wallow in self pity...its destructive....change your attitude to you....you are an ok person...keep telling yourself that until you beleive it...and funny things happen when you do this...because when you think you are ok...everybody you come in contact with thinks so also....when you dont think you are ok everybody agrees...<P><BR>Keep Going...you are more that you know...<P>blessings<P>cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Toots_007,<P>I do feel for you in this situation....it is really difficult to stand by watching someone you love self destruct....knowing all the while there is little you can do if they refuse help in any way.....<P>There are a few things you can do though...your church is very good...and you can pray there for him....<P>Try this one (everyday if possible) and see how you feel after it...this is only possible if you can find time alone...so I am assuming this is possible....<P>Do this at home only...find a place in your home that has a nice feel about it...and when there is no one around just you...sit quietly and ask for your God/Angels to be present to hear you.....then ask aloud what it is that you wish for....talk to them as you would a close friend...discuss with them aloud the problems you feel are happening in your world....talk about your concerns aloud as if you were talking to your most trusted compassionate understanding girlfriend or mother or someone you can really trust....<P>When you are thru...thank them for their/his patience...their/his love and understanding...ask for blessings for those you wish to have healing for....and bless them/him back from you to them/him....give back as much as you can....<P>The be gentle with your H...he has lots of fears and pain....if it is destined for him to learn from this experience then he will continue to go down the path he has chosen...and you can only love and support him in that choice knowing that you are honouring him as a person and his choice even if you dont think its a good one.....but who knows maybe its a spiritual choice to bring you out from a self chastisment space to one of self empowerment...to see your own strengths and value....to move you from a place of judgement perhaps to one of grace and acceptance....love him as you always have without expectation and do your daily giving alone.......and if there is a hope that he will respond to it, and if its right for him to do so then he will....if it is not right for him then no amount of pressure, good healthy clean living, and counselling of good intentions will make any difference....<P>Be kind to yourself....give to you too...you are not responsible for what he decides to do now or in the future... or what he decided to do in the past....he is totally responsible for his thoughts feelings and actions....as you are with yours...you did the best you could with what you knew...so there is no blame here....he is responsible for how he handled that....<P>Many blessings...<P>love cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Dear Cossie,<BR>Your fear of abandonment theory fits my H<BR>perfectly. Every time I feel we are really<BR>close and happy, he does it again. This<BR>is affair #7 (that I know about). We've<BR>been married 10 yrs. He's been with her all<BR>wk end, says he loves her,etc. I know the<BR>routine, he'll come back,crying, begging<BR>forgiveness. I feel I can't go thru this<BR>again. My heart can only be broken so many<BR>times. In my first marriage I was married<BR>to an alcoholic for 17y. I only exchanged<BR>one addict for another. The only way I <BR>found the courage to leave that marriage<BR>was because I met my present H. and now I <BR>need strength to leave alone. How do I find<BR>this strength? ANy suggestions?<BR>Thanks for letting me unload, Lynl

Hi Lynl,<P>Fear of intimacy was very real for me but only found out in therapy and counselling how much it affected my life....it could well be your H's motivator too....there seems to be some similarities there between him and myself as far as infidelities go...I had about 7 or 8 affairs over a 10 yr period too and it was only when my W (whose name happens to be Lyn too!!!) left me when her heart could not take anymore that gave me a wake up call to look at myself and do some much needed inner work...luckily for us we did get our marriage back together eventually and very happy now still some years later...<P>She also did not leave because she thought she did not have the strength, and one morning she just said I am leaving and I thought she was kidding but she wasnt.<P>When you have had enough you just have had enough and you will just up and do it....and may find yourself quite amazed at your own inner strength.....<P>Things always work out...have faith in the angels around you that love care for you....they are always with you, they will pave the way for you to travel...trust in them and in yourself and in your intuition and know you are ok, it is not your fault he does what he does....he is responsible for his decisions and the little lost boy inside him has to find himself his way....dont blame yourself be gentle with you.....sure it takes two to have a relationship but each has to take responsibility for their own actions reactions and decisions......<P>Every relationship is repairable and sometimes it takes separation to see how broke it is so that repairs can begin...<P>One question you could ask yourself is why you put out the invisible call for these type of men to come into your life, dont give yourself a hard time over it...just contemplate it when you are relaxed and not fearful and listen to your deep inner self, the answer will be there surrounded by fear and pain and when you pull the fear away the pain then is allowed freedom of expression and to leave you never again to return to motivate the invisible call for addicted men to enter your life...for you would have learned the lesson you asked for, for your growth understanding wisdom and inner power and self love....<P>Then you will put out a different invisible call that will say I am ok and I want an ok person to enter my life now...and if that person is your H then he would have done some work on himself to raise his level of vibration to being ok too....and there you have a repaired relationship...much easier to say than to do but still true nevertheless....<P>take care<P>Many blessings<P>cossie<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Cossie,<P>I appreciated your perspective on affairs so much. I have spent hours trying to <BR>understand how/why I could do such a thing. It took my wife leaving me to face myself <BR>as well and now I am desperatly hoping (I've stopped trying at this point) to get her <BR>back.<P>Briefly, I was 11 when I recognized that the closeness my mom shared with another man <BR>was uncomfortable to me. She told me that she loved dad, and "Bill" was just a family <BR>friend. Well, I grew up having male "family friends" around the house. I had always <BR>been resentful to my dad because I thought he didn't wear the pants in the family, nor <BR>did he seem to take an interest in doing manly things with us boys. Now I understand <BR>why to some measureble extent. These affairs were happening right under his nose, but <BR>he didn't want to loose mom so he turned his back to them.<P>They both passed away in 1990, 3 weeks apart. My dad managed to go before mom I believe, (she had a terminal liver disease) because he couldn't stand the thought of being one day with out her. I have always shared a particular closeness with my mom. Now I <BR>understand why. Emotional fusion.<P>After their passing, I missed them sorely, my wife and I adopted a child. He isn't far <BR>different than normal, but he is very demanding. I felt isolated and alone. Sex as been a problem for me before and after marriage. I thought getting married would solve my problems. I was very promiscous before getting married and a regular user of <BR>pornography. There were periods that I didn't use it very much, but as the lonelyness continued, I became even more of a user. I started experimenting with massage parlors and escort services.<P>We adopted child number 2 and the feelings increased. I stopped traveling with work <BR>as much, but only found the internet to be an easy accessible source of fantasy. I felt <BR>guilty about the money I was spending on escorts and worried about getting caught. I <BR>rationalized that if I could just get satisfied sexually, I could stay in my marriage, so I started looking for "lonely wives" and found one who seemed to be needing the same thing I needed. I wasn't interested in leaving my marriage, in fact, I used the affair to lesson the pressure I was placing on my wife.<P>It was about sex for me, mostly. I did like all the attention the OW gave me though. <BR>When she started to get attached to me, and talking about divorcing her husband, it <BR>made me very nervous. That was not what I wanted and I started looking for ways to get <BR>out. I finally did make my break, but all I did was loose my source of self esteem. I <BR>started looking for another lonely wife and intimate massage parlors.<P>My wife left after yet another discovery of swinging magazines with no knowledge of an <BR>affair, suspicion though I'm sure.<P>I recognized myself as a sex addict at this point, but still believed that I didn't need to disclose the affair. Late December I realized that if we were going to have any chance of rebuilding an honest relationship, I needed to disclose. <P>I've always felt that if my wife really knew me, that she couldn't possibly love me. Her <BR>story is one from a broken home and I know she as talked about a fear of abandonment <BR>from me. She has also been "working through" a food addiction or compulsion.<P>Here is where we are now. I have disclosed, she says she is filing for divorce as soon <BR>as she can. I'm hoping and praying that she would consider waiting long enough for <BR>both of us to heal of our childhood wounds and then heal the wounds we've inflicted on <BR>each other and then look at rebuilding our marriage. I do love her, we've always had a <BR>good friendship and have enjoyed doing things together over our 16 years.<P>I realize now that I can only focus on healing myself, and trying to provide as stable an environment for our kids, (9 & 5) as best as I can when I have them, usually on <BR>weekends.<P>I appreciated your comment that any relationship is repairable, but that takes two willing partners. My hope is that even if we divorce, that my wife will find the healing that she needs and then hopefully the grace to forgive me and we can start something brand new. I'm willing to wait. I don't think she is interested in starting another relationship with anyone else anytime soon, so I believe time is on my side.<P>How long were you separated? And what made the difference for your wife to want to work on the relationship? Yours is a story of hope for me and I appreciate it very much.<P>Repenting

Repenting,<P>Yor response and story touches me as I do recognise a lot of myself in your story too...<P>My W and I were separated just over 6 months with very little contact....I lived with the OW and she had the OM but lived at home with our 3 kids would not allow him to live with her, she did not want our children to experience another man in the house...<P>I think we were fortunate to have started counselling and therapy almost immediately we split up and we did that independently of each other....I think it was the fact that we worked on ourselves rather than our marriage that bought our marriage back together.....my counsellor told me that if I did not get myself in order I could not expect my marriage to get back in order....and her counsellor had told her something similar, but she did not want her marriage back....<P>After much therapy and counselling I left the OW and lived on my own then phoned my W and told her I wanted our marriage back and was willing to wait even if she got remarried....she told me she would never marry again but I would be waiting forever cos she just did not want to go thru that pain again...I told her I was not the same man and left it at that....<P>3 months later we started to talk to each other again and gradually started dating tentatively, we were still having therapy and learned so much about ourselves and about communication...so started a slow process...she had the OM but I was not concerned I had said what I wanted and it had no conditions... I was not in a good bargaining position anyway...<BR>One morning she rung me and said she wished to put our marriage back together...I felt fear and shock....and said that we needed to take it slow and easy...it was still a few weeks before we had the courage to live together on a trial basis...and it took a further 2 years for full forgiveness and trust to return...I never strayed again and nor did she...<P>If you wish to email me I would be happy to share anything else you want to know..... cossie@writeme.com ....... I too had a thing with pornography and still do at times but it is not hidden anymore and its no big deal...would be happy to talk about that too if you wish...<P>We are addicted to the pleasure that covers the pain....and part of that pain is an unworthiness that says I am not lovable...I am not acceptable...if you love me then that makes you unacceptable and unlovable too....I can remember hating my W for loving me....kinda twisted huh..? but I hated myself and did not know it...I was numb to it....<P>Take Care...<P>cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

You seem to have an amazing handle on men, however i can't seem to figure mine out or categorize him anywhere. We have been together for almost 16yrs 8 years married 1 little 3yr old girl. He has always loved to flirt, but started a new job recently and found comfort w/ another woman. She is 1 yr older than he is (5 yrs older than me), divorced and has 2 kids. It started as flirting and blossomed into him calling her at night to see if she got home safely after they went out w/ a group of friends. He calls it "marriage lite", would not let me leave w/ the baby - threatened to call the police that i was kidnapping her and told me i'd get nothing if i divorced him. Claims he loves me and doesn't want to lose me - but just enjoys the attention. I can't look at him without wanting to cry. and he tells me that i should just drop it and he doesn't deserve the emotional guilt i have given him the past 4 weeks over this because in his mind he has not done anything wrong. He told me that he would stop it and he did stop going out but the office flirting continues and he won't stop that.<P>What do i Do?

HighSchoolSweetHearts,<P>Your H seems to me to be addicted to his Mom.....let me see if I can explain this....when a little boy loves/craves his mom so much he will put her on a pedestal and will never see her as doing any wrong because his total link to life and mortality is through her.....some boys who lost their dad early in life may grow up with this problem too...<P>If he never shatters this image of her then he will go thru life forever looking for someone who will match her and will crave the closeness he remembers from that early union.....in other words will remain immature because to grow up would mean the loss of his love and he would not risk that..... <P>So will continuously flirt to be acceptable in life....his total validation of being ok would come from the response he gets from women...if they respond to him then he feels his link with life is ok...if they dont respond he will be driven to find a replacement pronto and may have a few possibles lined up in the wings to feel absolutely safe....<P>Men rarely flirt or have affairs because of problems within the marriage...it is always because of problems within themselves that they bring into the marriage.....and they would blame the marriage partner or find fault turn away from or disrupt the relationship so they can blame it for their unhappiness and for them having an affair, and believe it to be absolutely correct...but in truth they would have no idea why they do this....until they seek professional help to dig down to the core motivation being pain hurt and fear of loss of love....and the flirting and affairs are to protect one from feeling that pain hurt or fear......<P>What to do about it...?? first understand that you have invited this man into your life (subconsciously) because of two things..<BR>1. Love..and a deep connection beyond the physical...<BR>2. A spiritual contract for learning and assistance to each other for emotional, mental, and spiritual growth...<P>The results of such relationships that bring pain hurt and anguish is strength, tempering, understanding, wisdom and a raising of spiritual vibration...bringing one to self....the learning from such experience is self love...raising self worth....acceptance of self...and allowing oneself the grace of growth to become more...<P>Down to day to day issues of what to do....communicate with him about these issues in order to make him begin to look within himself....<P>1. Ask him...How about if you were to begin flirting with other guys..? how would he feel...?<BR>2. Ask... How would he feel about a guy in your life if you promised him that it would not affect your love for him..?<BR>3. Ask.. How would he feel about sharing you with some else who cared enough for you not to flirt with other women..?<P>Ask him why he feels the need to always have another woman in the background just in case...? ask if he is afraid of losing you...? ask if he had a choice would he choose to live without the need to be flirting to feel alive...?<BR>Then make suggestions that he may have a problem that stems back a long way....and that you would support and love him if he so chose to do something about it...<P>This is going to be a very difficult thing for him to voluntarily do and it may need the pain of separation (temporary or not) to make him face his fears and look...willpower cannot fix this, only a committed resolution to his own growth will....<P>hope that can help a little..<P>Blessings <P>cossie... <BR>

I really needed to read your message about why men have affairs. I am 49 and in the middle of my "mid life crisis". I have been married for 23 years and have three daughters. I am lucky that I do not have an OW that is interested in me. I did have chances years ago, but I chose not to because I did not want to risk losing my wife. But for the past year I have become more and more unhappy with things I can find wrong with my wife. I have become very upset with her appearence. She is overweight and I find myself no longer sexually attracted to her. This causes me feelings of self pity and resentment towards her. The strange thing is, she has been fat for years. I do not know why it would bother me now... These feelings are scary and new to me. I wonder if I am falling out of love with her. Would I be happy with another woman? etc. Believe me this in no picnic. I really hate this time in my life, and I hope I can hang in there until this passes. I am grateful that there is no OW in my life right now. This is really tough. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cossie:<BR><B>This is one perspective on why men have affairs :<P>When we first marry generally speaking…we have a picture in our minds of what life is going to be like with this friend and lover of ours whom we are crazy about …we want to be with them all the time, and we want to learn all their idiosyncrasies likes and dislikes…there are things about them that we adore and are so proud of…and for a while cannot find much fault with them … excitedly seeing our future with them as being so happy and prosperous….with fabulous children, good income, excess dollars in the bank, successful career etc… this picture begins to fade and fall apart after time when we discover there are things about her we dont like…and the future that looked so rosy before doesn’t look as rosy anymore….. the kids we looked forward to having so much, turn out to be so noisy, time consuming, attention grasping, and occupying all of her time, leaving little time for romance like we once had , intimate conversation, or even any conversation that close friends engage in or supposed to engage in….<P>The responsibility of being married can start to weigh a little heavy…financial burdens of house, furniture, car, other goods, the insatiable demand of kids clothes, toys, schooling, care and sporting activities all add to this weight that never seems to end ….and she seems so occupied with other things and does have not time left for me anymore…perhaps she does not love me anymore either..??? I will test her!! And make critical remarks just to see how she takes it…. <BR>The romantic ideal of our future has now all but disappeared and the seeds of discomfort, disappointment and negative thought can pervade ones psyche….this is the time when the weight of responsibility and feelings of neglect can trigger deep emotional pain, fear and hurt long buried and forgotten and push them to the fore stimulating negative thoughts of loss of love, and actions that follow……eg: finding someone else that will give him the attention he seeks….and make him feel like a man…. <P>This is where the going gets tough and one has to become a man….lots of men never mature past this point and prefer to stay in their boyhood memory where it feels safe, wishing for Mom to come make things better, and of course she doesn’t….<BR>He can go on this fruitless search for the soul mate, safety, from woman to woman in search of that comfort and getting angrier and angrier when it does not happen… <P>There are many other reasons for male infidelity of course....here are a couple more….. <P>1. I would call this one life reckoning...some call it mid life crisis...this is where he begins to realise he is closer to his death than to his birth...and wonders about his attractiveness, his perceived lost youth ..so starts the preening and flirting etc....it also can make him wonder about what he has missed out on...and starts to find fault with his spouse to give him the courage and justification for his thoughts and or actions....he can file a whole lot of these demeaning thoughts about his spouse and build up in his mind a good case for leaving her.....he can behave in nasty ways towards her and treat her badly in general....maybe keep silent and not communicate at all...and can start the affair in secrecy and maintain that for quite some time believing its her fault it is happening.....<P>2. Fear of Intimacy: This is I believe the most prominent reason for male infidelity.... <P>Stimulated by his young painful memories of separation from Mom or a feminine figure that was important to him in the impressionable years of childhood... painful feelings of abandonment, feelings of being left out..unloved etc...from Mom or some feminine icon whom he trusted and loved as a youngster .....this deeply hidden memory makes him fear loving any woman too closely in case she leaves him bringing him close to his pain and hurt carried and pushed down year after year... he would fear the intimacy so much so that when it happens he would do something to put distance between himself and the woman he loves .....an affair is the ideal way of doing this...he succeeds in getting the distance that makes him feel safe....and has a back up comfort zone and safety in the OW .. a port in a storm if his spouse throws him out....( he is not going to be hurt by a woman again!) <P>He can leave clues for his W to find out about the affair so she can accuse him, thereby absolving him from his guilt (by feeling she is victimising/punishing him) and he can feel safe with her upset because she will do the pushing away and he does not have to do it..... yet he yearns the closeness and love because he feels unloved...a catch 22 situation for him... the OW can be more comfortable to be with short term because she does not pose as much threat to him as the one he loves deeply....<P>He makes comparisons between the two relationships and can think that his affair with the ow is the greatest thing because he feels so free with her and can communicate with her like no other (this is easy when there are no responsibilities and where there is newness of discovery and exploration) may make him think he married the wrong woman etc but this is fantasy because he has not lived with her yet….and its only until he does that he will really know the true reality of her in total…....and all this "I have found my soul mate" stuff will crash around his ears because the unresolved motivations buried deep within him that started this in the first place go with him into the next relationship he commits himself to and so on etc.... and each time he takes on the responsibilities that go with a committed relationship, and he has discovered and explored everything about her....the mundane of life sets in again....and if he has deepened his relationship with her to a love similar to the depth of the wife he left...the same fears that arose in that previous relationship now arise again in this one and so begins his merry go round raising fears of insecurity etc.. <P>Blessings<BR> <BR>Cossie.....<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Wow! Cossie that was tres insightful. Even our ending signatures are similar in nature. Please read my story and tell me what you think. I agree with the fear part. But don't forget the age old fear of insecurity and not being able to find another mate that will be as "understanding" (in denial, stupidly trustworthy in the case of my story) as her. Someone who will let him do his evil deeds without giving him grief. Understanding.

ebj,<P>Thanks for your response....I will be away overseas for a couple of weeks in a no computer area so wont be able to respond immediately if you reply to this...<P>I am assuming by your comment of " I am glad I dont have a OW who is interested in me" .....that if you did have such a woman right now you would have an affair with her because of your unhappiness in your marriage, that you see is a result of your wife's appearance among other things and your resentment has built up against her....<P>Sounds like you have built up a filing cabinet of negatives against your W and these would go a long way to justify your feelings of resentment against her...so i am not surprised you are thinking the way you are and feeling more and more unhappy....<P>I am sorry to have to say to you that the problem is not her or her appearance...she has always been fat as you have said and it was ok before...that statement alone tells of what is going on here....<P>You are right about your mid life crisis, and I can tell you it wont go away by having an affair it will only make it more painful for you....and for her too and for the kids and family and friends...<P>When men get to your age a realization deep down is prompted about how closer they are to their death than their births....so they want to feel that they still have what it takes so will harbour thoughts of their youthfulness and can preen in front of a mirror notice other women compare them with their wives maybe flirt a little and generally become a different person...<P>They then will devalue their wives because of the guilt they feel..... its like they are already betraying their wives by having these thoughts and feelings...so will find all sorts of faults with their wives that they never worried about before....and may generally become difficult to live with...being critical of her....hard to please...seeing her as holding then back in some way....and the first woman to come along and praise compliment or be nice to them..they will think that this woman understands him like no other could...and if she takes a sexual interest in him..he can then believe he married the wrong woman even after many years of marriage....<P>You cannot fall out of love with your W ...you are telling yourself you are...this is related to a fear of death believe it or not....and also related to a fear of loss....I will try explain....<P>Fear of death...mainly comes when men get to their 40s onward..when they realise they are closer to death than to birth...they naturally want to hang onto their youth and will have thoughts as I said before....<P>Fear of loss...at this age they also realise that their wives are getting older too and the deep love they have for them makes them realise that if she dies they will hurt like mad and miss her terribly so will distance themselves from her now (critising her etc..telling themselves they dont love her etc) trying to protect themselves... sort of like a preparation to insulate themselves against the pain in case she dies or leaves before he does....<P>Your answers are not in getting her to change or having an affair or leaving her...these will only compound the problem, because this problem is within you...and only you can fix it....with help...<P>Find a good counsellor to help you get to the fears and pain that are buried within you...this will take time to unfold and time for you to understand why and where they came from and what they are motivating you to think and do and how you can deal with them so they dont bother you no longer....<P>You need help in understanding and skills to deal with them....if you do not tackle this it will follow you where ever you run to.. your discomfit is prompting you to look inside...not outside...fix the inside and the outside will be just fine...<P>Hope that can help....<P><BR>Love&Virtue,<P>Thank you....I am not sure I understand where you are coming from....I will try to answer based on what I think you are saying...reading between the lines so to speak....<P>You seem to be reacting to her denial of knowing he is having affairs... being stupidly trustworthy etc..yet still wants to marry him...?<P>The secret key to your unhappiness with all of this is in the answers to the following questions....<P>Why would her being like that bother you...?<BR>Why do you say you are not interested in marrying him yourself..? yet you love him...<BR>Why do you continue to have an affair with him knowing he is a philanderer...?<P>Facts you know and have stated....you have known him all your life since 4 yrs old....there is a history of philandering in his family and in yours...you are in love with him....he is having affairs with other women you included....<P> You may want to answer these questions to yourself after you answer the others...<P>Why are you jealous...?<BR>Why do you hurt...?<BR>Why do you stay in a no win relationship...?<BR>Whats in it all for you...?<P>The answers to those will show you how much you are ripping yourself off....how unfair that is to you....how unhealthy it is for you....how your self esteem is kept really low by staying in this...<P>You are worth more than you allow yourself to be....you are a better person than you give yourself credit for....work to give to yourself....strive to reach the loving beautiful person you are inside...reach her for her...not for anyone else or outside of you...this is where love resides...not in any other person...<P>Many blessings...<P>cossie...<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Dr. Glass, an expert on infidelity, said at a conference last year that the major attraction in an affair is not the love partner, but the positive mirroring of the self-"the way I look when I see myself in the other person's eyes." My husband who has been unfaithful during his mid-life crisis let me read this to him today. He says it is very true. When he looked in my eyes he saw all the mistakes he'd made, the aging that was occurring, the possibility that he was not going to be a millionaire like he always dreamed, no man envying him for that "gorgeous woman on his arm", etc. He says he never meant to hurt me and the kids, but he wanted to capture his youth. His young bimbo made him feel young. He doesn't know it was an illusion. Eventually being with a young person made him feel older. She would want to go out dancing all night. He didn't have the energy. <BR>The point I'm trying to make is, your wife is like dying embers in a fire. If you look at her and don't like what you see then it's your fault. A famous preacher said you can also measure a man by the look on his wife's face. Do you cherish your wife? Try it. See how quickly she lights up. We women love to be loved and cared for. We love to be made to feel secure and precious. I'm sure you want things from her,too, but initiate before it's too late. I bet she doesn't know she's losing you. I never knew I was losing my husband before it was too late.<BR>Now he's back home and what great pain we've had to experience. Don't even allow it to enter your mind. Be a man...either divorce her and find another woman or do all you can to fan her embers into a flame again. Hoping the best for you. Peace Lover

First let me say, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU and THANK YOU! That was a great response. I jump to answering the questions first.<P>Why does her denial bother me? Because she'll only create another marriage and have kids with him that will ultimately get hurt when dad cheats and mommy is hurt and/or they decide to get divorced. It's all about the children.<P>Why I'm not interested in marrying him? Honestly, I DON'T TRUST HIM. I love him, I'm not in love with him to be a fool. But I love him just as much as I love his, brother sister, mom and dad. Our relationship just has sex in it making the emotional ties stronger.<P>Why be in an affair even though he's a philanderer? The sex is great!! <P>Why am I jealous? He could have at least asked!! My pride and Ego are wounded more than anything. My heart truly knows he's not the one for me.<P>Why am I hurt? My heart truly knows he's not the one for me. He wants someone else. Envious I am, but not so much to just run out and marry someone that trust in me, but I can't committ to them. I don't want exactly what he has; just a better version of it. It's the age old women are jealous of men. Men do all the dogging in their lives and still end up with a great woman even when there 50. We all know it's a lot harder for women. DAMN IT, COSSIE! It's just not fair! <P>No win relationships? As I read it once in a book, "What keeps America being fat is not the fear of being fat, but the fear of never having food again". I'm afraid that if I go celibate and keep away from sex, I'll get so used to it I may never want men and sex again. Then, I've been badly by a break up in the past -I did go to counseling for 6 months....all I have to say, is thank God it was free! I find it hard to completely leave my self open like that. I know, I'm working on it. Detachment is easy with no wins. The hurt is less because you never took it seriously in the first place. You knew it wasn't going to work. As opposed to trusting completely in something you thought was the real and letting your heart go. I know someday I will be able to say, "I would rather trust in love and be hurt, than to never trust and never love."<P>What's in it for me? The happiness of knowing that I could have helped history not repeat itself. <P>Well that's all for me. I appreciate your response again. And if any body reading this is smart like you, they'll offer advice and/or learn to be just as honest with their feelings to themselves and their mates instead of just criticizing me and banishing me to hell. <P>L&V<p>[This message has been edited by Love&Virtue (edited April 03, 2000).]