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Joined: Jun 2000
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Turtle Offline OP
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My long time love had a hot and steamy email affair with someone, and I found out by accident. I confronted her, and she said they are now just friends.<P>I'm in a positon to read her emails, and I do, and have discovered the two of them continue to email eachother, and the emails continue to have sexual overtones and "I'm thinking of you"'s. It just kills me to read this.<P>She tries to delete the messages and replies, but she's not successful.<P>So, how do I deal with her "virtual" infidelity? Do I confront her and ask her never to email this guy again?<P>How do I deal with my own sence of betrayal, since I feel I'm spying on her? I don't want to go through life thinking I can't trust her, and snooping around in her email.<P>Thanks for any advice, or your own experience.

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NSR Offline
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Welcome <B>Turtle</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>First off... your wife(W) <B>is</B> having an affair!<BR>We call it an Emotional Affair(EA)...<BR>and it could trun to a Physical Affair(PA) if you don't address it!<P>The first step recommended is that you start on what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and do so until you read everything reasonable at this site<BR>...starting off at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.<P>Run out and get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> and read it.<P>Stay at this forum and post/read/ask a lot!<BR>You are not alone!<P>At some point in time, you must "deal with her "virtual" infidelity"!!!<P>You say "...Do I confront her and ask her never to email this guy again?..."<BR>...that's a good question...<BR>...after a short time in Plan A... (maybe a week... maybe less... if she is moving to fast...)<BR>...insstead of "forcing" her to stop...<BR>...sit down with her...<BR>...let her know you wish to be <B>honest</B> with her...<BR>...let her know you understand their are problems you believe exist in your marriage...<BR>...let her know there are <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> she has not gotten and you may be missing too<BR>...and that you'd like to work harder on making it a better marriage<BR>...and that you would like to seek counseling<P>...she will have figured out by then... that you know about the e-mail.<BR>...if she hasn't figured it out... tell her gently(non-judgmentally)...<BR>...let her know the e-mails hurt you... but your love for your W is strong enough to work on the marriage.<BR>...let her know you feel these e-mails are a <B>very</B> serious threat to your marriage<P>...and...<P>...be prepared for the worse...<BR>...she may say all the bad things a wayward spouse(WS) could say... check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html" TARGET=_blank>50 signs your spouse is having an affair (All found on this board)</A><BR>...then get ready to work even harder on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You've said... "How do I deal with my own sence of betrayal, since I feel I'm spying on her?..."<BR>...you've not betrayed her one bit...<BR>...you are being faithful to her...<BR>...and keeping both her and your vows solid!<P>Until you get the book, which I highly recommend... here are a few quotes from it... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>To better understand these unmet <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... printoff a copy of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>...<BR>...and being honest with yourself...<BR>...see where you may be falling short...<BR>...and where your W may be falling short.<P>Please, please read through my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post first...<BR>...get the big picture...<BR>...then get moving on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You really are not alone!<P>I have to add one more thing... there was a great post just made this morning... read it...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000201.html" TARGET=_blank>What I've learned (very long)</A>…..Beerman2…..6/17/2000<BR>...and learn early on!<P>One more site worth getting (possibly... if it isn't going to be a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>) to your wife is .... <A HREF="http://www.wildxangel.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.wildxangel.com</A> <BR>It's titled "Dangers of Online Relationships / What They're Not Telling You - Or How to Read Between the Lies!!"<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited June 17, 2000).]

Joined: Jun 2000
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Turtle Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2000
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Wow, thanks so much for your amazing reply. I really appreciate it. What I've read so far has been really helping.


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