------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>When you're done here check out===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>! <BR>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><B>From Tempest</B>...<BR>I would just like to post a caution here. While we do try very, very hard to make these forums a 'safe haven' for all forum participants, we have had occasional incidences where participants have been followed here and bothered by individuals they know in real life. If you are planning to post a profile containing any kind of personal information anywhere, keep in mind that <B>anyone</B> can <B>read</B> anything posted on the forums and in user profiles.<P>Try not to publicly post any personally identifiable information if you have any kind of concern about anyone reading your posts/profiles and knowing it is you. This caution is meant solely for your own protection.<P>Thank you.<P>------------------<BR><B>Tempest</B>, Moderator<BR>Marriage Builders Infidelity Forums:<BR><I>General Questions II, Just Found Out...,<BR>Plan A/Plan B, In Recovery</I> <BR>and <I>Read-Only Posts</I><P>***************************************************************************<P>Update your stories here!<BR>With a new <B>reply</B>... or "edited" <B>reply</B>.<BR>***************************************************************************<P>This should be any free form description of "Your Story"...<P>Recommendations...<BR>1. Please... Do <B>NOT</B> make one long paragraph... (for readability)<BR>2. Don't just list facts... (that is what <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>Roll Call</A> is for.)<BR>3. Update "Your Story" frequently!<BR>4. Take the <B><I>caution</I></B> that <B>Tempest</B> made seriously!<P>***********************************************************************<P>There are other useful threads that give...<BR>1. <B>e-mail</B> addresses ...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000332.html" TARGET=_blank>E-mail Exchange</A><BR>2. <B>roll call facts</B> (28 general questions) ...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>Roll Call</A><BR>...and...<BR>3. one that ties all 3 together ...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000555.html" TARGET=_blank>Roll Call Index</A><P>I (<B>OneGoing</B>) volunteer to keep the information in this thread synchronized with the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000555.html" TARGET=_blank>Roll Call Index</A> for an alphabetical lookup... <I>"to the closest page"</I>... like the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>Roll Call</A> references.<P>--------------------------------------------<P><I>Originally posted by <B>NSR</B></I><p>[Note: This message has been edited by OneGoing]

Wife of 12+ years found Internet lover (MM)(12/98)...
Discovery(4/7/99)
She filed for divorce(3 weeks later)...
I counter-filed(6/24/99) to get custody of 3 kids(8/s,11/d,18/ss)... (at the time)
She left me and kids(8/28/99)...
and I had been in the process of trying to stop the divorce... worked on Plan A... long distance (she's 90+ minutes drive away).
Started Plan B (1/14/2001).
Divorced 3/19/2001.

When she moved out... she deceived me into giving her money to get set up in an apartment and said no one else was moving in... while all the time she & OM planned to and did co-sign the lease.

She has every other weekend visitations... this is what we verbally agreed to... and for a while we had many disagreements on it... and I expect minor problems to continue... but for the most part we have been consistant.

I feel that the kids needed to be protected from the immorality of the OM... in the understanding of their morals and truth... and this is an ongoing learning experience for them.

I have had virtually No Contact with my W... as e-mails can only pertain to kids (court ruling)... and on pick-up/drop-off, she doesn't come into the house any more.

I had moved to a more "pure" Plan A after speaking with Steve Harley 12/28/99.
But my W (starting in 12/1999) had been trying to expedite the divorce...
...but disagreements were causing it to stretch out.

She got one restraining order (no overnights with OM) lifted on 1/8/2000... and that only because she moved out! This is one reason a BS should NOT move out of the house!

We had a court mandated "mediation" review on 2/29/2000...
...this failed miserably(she will not abide by any of the PSA... wants no money set aside for children!)...
A first Trial date was set for June 5/6... and she didn't show.
A second Trial date for August 7... (court postponed)
A third Trial date for October 10... it was changed to a "Case Management Conference"...
...and on this date my W was told she would not get her way in keeping money from the kid's education fund...
...and with that... we settled out of court... or so I thought...
...we had a Case Management Conference on 12/20/2000... but she didn't show... again...
The last sticking point was that she would not agree to raise the kids in the faith the kids, I and her grew up in. She wants to start raising them in the faith of her paramour...
...but... she finally gave in and signed the last papers 12/29/2000...
...and sent in the papers 1/12/2001...

I e-mailed my Plan B letter...
...and she read it(them) 1/14/2001...

I signed the PSA 1/19/2001...

So... the court date on March 19 (feast day of Saint Joseph)... has drawn the divorce to an end.

She'll still has to account for Social Security money (~$35,000) she took from her son's (my stepson's) benefits... but that will be handled now outside of the divorce.

Relatively new fact (Aug 2000)... my stepson's Biological Father(BF) has just recently tried to make contact with him... much to the disapproval of his mom (my stbx W.)
This is causing lots of problems as well.
I have had many discussion with the BF...
...and W's treatment of him... parallels her treament of me to a "T".
Then a little more than one year later... 9/11/2001 he dies of a heart attack with his son seeing him only 2 times!

...she (xW) has not grown... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
So much I have found out about her...
...leads me to believe she is a lost soul...

In May of 2002, I find out from my stepson that she plans on taking the 2 younger kids to a nudist camp... and she has been a practicing nudist, at least since my stepson notified of it one month earlier.

I went to the courts to:
1. keep kids out of the camp.
2. keep OM from practicing nudism in front of kids.
3. keep xW from practicing nudism in front of kids.

In August 2002 the judge rule in my favor for #1 and #2, but in my xW's favor for #3.

I filed an appeal (at the state level)... and when the ruling judge found out...
...not wanting her ruling overturned...
...asked me to rescind my filing... and will eventually rule in my favor... without testamony (since she admitted to my attorney and xW's too... that she{judge} made a mistake).

The wheels of justice grind slowly...
...the appeal has been retracted 12/2002.

I'm still waiting for the modified ruling by the original judge.

I have come to terms with Plan B....
...where Plan B has led be to lose all "love"(marital) for my xW. That is the goal of Plan B!!!! (for those of you who miss that point)!

I still envision not the divorce but an "annulment"...
...as my final step.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 11:59 PM: Message edited by: NSR ]</small>

Leaving the Board<p>[This message has been edited by Blue Drew (edited August 24, 2000).]

Here goes:

Married 15+ years, together 21 years. H is a professional musician and student, I am an engineer. We have no childen "together".

H had a PA/EA with OW #1 in 1991, left me for OW #1. While H was out, cheated on OW #1 with OW #2 (one night stand) and got her pregnant. Then H got OW #1 pregnant eleven mos later. (2 OCs, both boys)

Both OW admittedly got pregnant deliberately, OW #2 to further her welfare benefits (mother of 4, all diff dads), OW #1 to seek revenge on OW #2 and to try to snag my H.

Spring '1992, H and I reconciled but he only disclosed existence of OW #2's child. Found out about OW #1's child later thru investigation. We stayed together and BY HIS CHOICE and our mutual agreement H did not participate in either OC's lives as both OWs are very bad news. (OW #1 a IV drug user/in & out of jail and OW #2 a bar fly, Fruit Loop, and abusive person)

Flash forward 8 years later, H starts secretly seeing OCs, he finally tells me. August 2nd '99 I'm diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer. September 1, 1999 (14th wedding anniversary) H tells me the marriage is over and he wants to leave but we stay together. I start Plan A. Late October '99 I confront H with suspicions of affair with OW #2, he admits it, we still stay together.

H is completely indifferent to my health. Tells me to have someone else help me with treatments. Tells me I am an inconvenience. H acts very thoughtless and uncaring, just terrible.

For 8 months I Plan A my heart out. I welcome OCs into our home and love them. H continues PA/EA with OW #2. I listen to H's pager voicemails, OW leaves several msgs daily for 8 mos. H does not know I have the PIN. Changed the PIN 7 times, I continued to discover the new PINs. Taped all pager msgs from OW.

Early December '99 OW #2 starts leaving horrid, abusive and vulgar msgs on home answering machine. OW is very angry because H hasn't left me and takes her hatred of H out on me. I ask H to please tell her to stop the msgs.

In December '99 H says A is over, but investigation tells me different (continue listening to OW's voice pages). I continue to Plan A and counseling.

Late February early March '2000, I am told I'm in remission but still at risk.

April '2000 H is still heavily involved with OW, and from Dec 1999 - June 2000 OW leaves harassment msgs on home answering machine, ignoring my request thru H to stop.

I give my H a loving ultimatum, end the A or leave. H left on April 29 '2000. Moves into motel. H calls me on every conceivable phone I have and emails me, I don't respond. H leaves sad emails and phone msgs wanting contact. Out of love and missing H I allow him contact, but he then reciprocates by moving in w/OW which he promised he would not do.

June 6, 2000, H finally gets his own place. I allow H contact but this is just another scenario of H having his cake and eating it too.

July 17th 2000, H lands a day/conventional job with the City of Tacoma as their Cisco Network Admin.

August 1st 2000, I take OW to court on anti-harassment order in attempt to defuse her abusive answering machine msgs, and I win. H tells me he supports me in doing this. Now OW is REALLY angry!

August 12th 2000, I visit H at his new place and deliver BDay (Aug 10th) presents. From here on and for a term I am not going to allow contact from H, my health is suffering (Plan B implemented).

H does not want a divorce, H does not want to marry OW. H tells me every time we talk or email he loves me and misses me.

When asked if there is any hope for us and our marriage, H responds "I don't know".

I continue to see OC #1. He spends week-ends with me.

October '2000, I hear from SIL and she tells me H says OW has a BF. Next day H calls me and says he wants a D. Hmmmmmmm.... H says OW is presuring him, that she is angry w/me about filing an AHO on her. H says he has to do it (D). I tell him it's not what I want, and he should be making such important decisions on his own, not coerced, manipulated or pressured by anyone. Back to Plan B.

H files in December, on my BDay. H has me served in late December, Christmas eve day (very stressful Holidays for me). I retain an attorney.

I continue Plan B, altho there has been a small degree of contact after I learned of the filing (no LBs). H still has his own place. OW is on Welfare, and will lose it if she moves in w/H.

June 13th 2001, H and I are D. I continue to participate in OC #1's life, he's very dear to me. I'm blessed to have him in my life.

Late July '2001, H contacts me. H says he doesn't feel love like he use to, not like he loves me, not like we loved one another. He broke down and cried and so did I.

H says he has no future plans of marrying OW, says he doesn't love her like he did me. Says he's afraid he'll do what he did to me to her and he'd be hurting a whole family. I suspect OW has something else in mind, she is very manipulative. She may use the "I'll get a BF again and boink him if you don't marry me" thing. It worked when she wanted him to leave me and when she wanted him to D me. H is not very smart.

February 12, 2002, through a third party, I coordinate the delivery of my H's personal belongings to him. I use a storage facility and had keys sent to him. No contact by me. Although, the third party tells me they gave H a piece of their mind via email.

February 14, 2002, I learn H and OW are now engaged, to tie the knot at the end of the summer.

April 2002, H and OW and all her children move into a duplex together.

October 2002, H and OW still not married.

I am very sad, I still love my H.

I believe I will never see or talk to my H ever again, it's too hurtful for me.

Updated 8/04: OW and H still living together but not married, still "engaged" ... 2+ years now. OW would lose her disability if they marry. OW continues to frequent the bars (she's 47 years old) and cheated on H, although he does not know.

I haven't seen OC [Ryan] for 1+ years now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
H and OW gained custody because OW #1 (OC's mom) started using IV drugs again. So they won't let me see him anymore. I miss Ryan more than words can express. I'm grateful I was able to get to know him and feel such love, just like a real mom.

As of August '2004, still cancer free and physically I'm one healthy unit. Altho emotionally I am still healing.

There you have it.

Jo

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Husband of 28 yrs had 8 month affair before telling me'<BR>Divorced one yr later. Eventhough I filed out of anger, I did not want divorce to go through. Hoping he would stop it.<BR>He has been living with OW since divorce three yrs ago. They recently became engaged<BR>I didn't know about this forum till last yr. Before then I was going between plan a and plan b. Jim has helped me with the appropriate plan<BR>Have been in Plan b for 6 weeks and it has not had any effect yet that I can tell.<BR>I will hold on till the day he marries then I will officially give up any hope of restoration.

Married 3 years as of Thursday 8/10/00.<P>W came to me in Nov saying she didn't think she loved me anymore. We agreed to work things out, but did no actual work.<P>W asked for divorce after weekend in Vegas 7/1/00.<P>Found pictures of W and OM on 7/4. <BR>Discovery one week later. E-mail love letters. Damn this internet sucks sometimes!<P>W has filled out papers, but is waiting to file. She's moving out on 8/11...yes, one day after our anniversary. Incidentally, we married on my birthday! <P>W is entering therapy on 8/25. Trying to sort out her feelings for OM and me. OM is old hs flame/unrequieted love. He's married, but not happily.<P>Until then, I'm house-sitting for a friend, and struggling through Plan B.<P>One daughter, age 11. BF left town when she was born and has been gone ever since. I'm the only person she has ever thought of as "dad."<P>W came from an abusive household, and had just left and extremely abusive relationship when I met her.<P>We're really two totally different people. She had a hellish life, while I grew up in a kind of Donna Reed household. She tried to conform to my way of life, and it failed miserably. She tried to become the kind of W she thought I wanted, but forgot herself in the process. Time will tell if there is hope for us.<BR>

...<P>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited September 13, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited September 13, 2000).]

Here it goes:<P>Husband met OW on internet 11/99<BR>D-day 2/14/00 discovered cellphone bill with long distance phone calls to OW.<BR>PLanned A until he moved out April 29th.<BR>He moved in with OW and 2 oc's fathers day weekend. <BR> Husband Served divorce papers 7/24/00.<BR>Two children 14 and 16,boys.<BR> Love and prayers,bethn

My H was the WS--EA/PA lasting 6-10 months...time EA started is murky--by both their accounts.<P>Ended by their boss May 31st, 2000 altho H says it was over for him long before this--ex-OW just wouldn't let go and he didn't know how to detach her without hurting her...<P>H was relieved! He dropped contact with her like a hot potatoe and dedicated himself to making me happy, he said. I still didn't know about the A then. <P>D-day: April 3rd, 2000...note that this is 4 days after their boss told them that they had to stop or she would tell their spouses. But the OW's H was told by a co-worker of his about the A and arranged a big blowout meeting at his house. Me, the boss, OW and my H.<P>At the meeting I told my H to pack his bags and I kicked him out. After he left, I went to the bank and divided our assets 50/50, changed my account beneficiary and PIN numbers. Was ready to sign those divorce papers!<P>But then I spoke to my confidant, who happens to also be my SIL, and she persuaded me to hear my H out..and they both convinced me to postpone the divorce, give him a 2nd chance and see if we couldn't salvage our marriage first.<P>Recovery began: April 5th, 2000...H arranged our first MC session and she said I needed to let him come home. But my heart wasn't in it. It took a while to unfreeze my heart. <P>He still works in same building with ex-OW. He goes to extreme lengths to avoid her and all his other co-workers aide him as much as they can in his recovery mission. She once contacted him to tell him she was considering another job. He responded with a "no contact" letter and told her to "go for it"! BUT, she's still there. Gosh, do you think she was just testing him?! <P>In recovery! 1 year and going strong. <BR> Married 14yrs. in June...<BR>No children...<P>In Vitro is now in the works as of this update. <P>We had Steve Harley phone sessions but stopped after about $400.00's worth. I got frustrated that he wasn't validating my concerns, was too slow for my patience, etc. But really, he didn't do anything wrong, it's just the work I needed to do isn't covered in SAA or the MB principles. It was more "me" and attitude work.<P> We made a mission out of our recovery and after a few bumps, some enlightenment for me, and the steadfastness of my H--I'd have to say we're one of those "success" stories--with an ex-OW still in the picture--ala` lostva! Thanks a million--love ya, Lori! <P>Ex-OW's H (amend that--her ex-H as they are now divorced) still hates my H. In the past OW's H had cussed-out and made <B>many</B>death threats--in person and on our answering machine, stared him down or made obscene gestures, swearing at him in public, wrote a nasty letter telling him he would start a smear campaign saying my H was molesting our niece, once pointed to my H and said to his own kids "That's the man your mommy wants to f***"...Pure evil. <P> This has all toned down quite a bit in the past year and a half, thank you, God! But there are occasional flare ups when he crosses paths with my H. <P>Biggest obstacle of mine was the continued work situation and how "I let" this proximity actually prolong my personal recovery period.<P>H would not consider quitting for someone as insignificant to him as ex-OW for a job that he loves so much. It took me a long time to understand this instead of feeling that he valued his <B>job</B> more than <B>our love</B>. For a long time the resentment and insecurity I felt was huge. It still surfaces from time to time in a much smaller degree but I am very reassured that my H is no longer in any fog or affair mode. <P>Ex-OW won't quit. Is still waiting for my H to "come back" to her. Tho she was the one who went after my H from the beginning. We learned she had a new boyfriend earlier this year while seperated from her H (tho she once told me she and my H were "soulmates" and she would never love another!) Fickle thing, those soulmates!<P>I no longer have routine communication with ex-OW and her ex-H (I did for about 5 months after d-day). While I was in contact with her she started to see the reality of our recovery and that truth got too depressing for her so she stopped talking to me. I was trying to befriend her (as she said my H was her "best friend") but her true agenda was to continue her ties to my H thru me. I learned a BS cannot befriend the OP because the OP will always be in their "fog". <P> But I do wave at ex-OW and her ex-H whenever we cross paths, which is almost daily. I do wish them happiness and a more positive life. I consider them to be "relationship-challenged." Too bad they didn't make use of the "Surviving An Affair" book I had given both of them one week after D-day. <P>I forgive them. But I am still tempted to smack 'em upside the head when they still occasionally try to sabotage our marriage and recovery! <P>The other day I ran into a lady who briefly dated the ex-OW's H while they were still only seperated (he did this in retaliation, I guess). Anyway, I chatted her up and after she left, I started grinning uncontrollably. <B>I had just had a conversation with my husband's ex-girlfriend's ex-husbands' ex-girlfriend!</B> I think I just made the Guinness Book of World Records for ridiculousness! <P>I feel quite strong now. The triggers are rare and very mild. My H is an expert at reassuring and depositing love units. And our communication skills are better than ever. And having a sense of the ridiculous has helped us tremendously!<P>Twyla gave me this idea of the 1-10 scale. Before the A--our marriage was about an "9" on the 1-10 scale. Now it's a 20! My relationship with my H is everything I've ever wanted in a marriage. We've reached a level of honesty and intimacy that I once thought was a myth.<P>I never imagined I would ever again go to sleep or wake up in the morning and not feel the terrible weight of the betrayal. But then I one day I did. And still continue to do so. <P>The oldtimers' used to say, things will get better--you can have a marriage you will be proud of--you can be happy again. I used to wail, "WHEN?!" But at somepoint I stopped wailing and started empowering myself--and I'll be darned if they weren't 100% right! <P> I know that <B>if</B> this ever happens again, I know I will be ok--cause I know what my needs are, and I know what I can and cannot tolerate. And better still, so does my H!<P>God and this forum have brought me this strength. I have peace and contentment in my soul. And I am thankful a thousand times over in my heart for it. Thank you, friends!<P>Aloha nui,<P>Leilana<P><B>No rain, no rainbows</B><P> <P><p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited September 10, 2001).]

My profile....<P>Been coming here for over 2 yrs, an active poster for the past 18 months. <P> I am 45 now, married 17yrs, 2 great kids, 16 and 14. H had an internet EA for 2+ yrs, finally went to PA. After many separations and reconciliation attempts, (plan A), I finally went to plan B in June 99. Filed for divorce Nov 99, and divorced Jan 00. <P>I believe strongly in the MB principles, and had x wanted to, I would have worked on anything to save our marriage. I finally fell out of love for him and when he would not give up OW, I had to move on. <P>I have found out recently that my x and the OW are no longer seeing each other. I hope he finds the happiness he was missing with me. <P>My life is going well, now, the pain has subsided for the most part. I met up with an old friend of mine recently and we are dating now. <P>Divorce is very hard on all. If I could, I would have been more in tune with my X, andtried to meet his needs better. Upon discovery of the affair, I truly tried, but he was not interested. <P>I know I will have a full life, different than what I had planned, but I have grown from this experience and want to share my life someday with another. I hope we all find the happiness we deserve!!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Both of us were in the military, me, army, he, Marine Corps. Needless to say, not the greatest setting for marriage. Things were always dificult for us--emotional needs were met, lover busters a big problem. He yells, I cry. It was awful--but I had confidence that someday, we would overcome all of this. No lack of love for either of us.<P>3 kids, blended family--only 1 lived with us, our now 5-year-old son. That is another story, long and sad, further complicates marriage.<P>A lot of our history is too confidential to put on this forum due to the sensitive nature of our professions, but I will put it this way: initially we seperated geographically, but not maritally, because of conflicts in careers. <P>I was stationed on west coast, he went to a six-month-school on the east coast. We intended to be stationed together when he got out of school. Lot of fights about that, where are we going to be stationed, depends on how he does in school, ect.<P>I meet him for Thanksgiving 98 in St. Louis. He is acting funny, but we seem to resolve differences, sleep together, ect.<P>Christmas 98: he comes to Seattle to be with me. Won't look at me, touch me, picks fights with me. Day after Christmas, asks for a divorce. I am freaked out, but say ok, if that's what you want, I'll let it happen, no tears.<P>Comes time for me to get orders to new duty station, January 99. The army is waiting for him to get his paperwork in so that we can be stationed together (thinking that we should at least be close for kid's sake, even if one of us has to live in the barracks.) He drags his feet for a couple of weeks, then says no way. He screams at me to stay out of his life. I get orders to 2nd Infantry Division, remote tour, Korea, will not see him or the kids for a year. I am mad--I say "I told you so, thanx."<P>Week later, he calls and says he has orders to Japan "Can you change your orders to come with me, please, honey?" I am really mad--it's impossible at this point.<P>Week later, I call him and ask how the D is going. He says "Divorce? What are you talking about? So you want a divorce, huh?" We fight. I tell him that he is acting weird.<P>I call again. "What is taking so long? Thought you wanted a divorce. If you are going to do it, do it, so that I won't have to fight with you from Korea. And I want to get on with my life." <P>He says "Why can't we just get a separation?" (#1 Big Clue) I say "Either I am married or I am not married. I am not the one who needs to "think about things."<P>During this time, our son is in and out of developmental peds; there is "something not quite right" with him. Discover that he has either a high-functioning autism or has been severely tramatized (gee, I wonder why.) He is four and still not toilet trained. Has extreme psychotic behavior. My command tells me that I cannot leave my son this way to go to Korea.<P>I call my husband to give him the news. He shouts "Oh, thank God! Please get out of the army. I love you and I want to work things out with you!" I tearfully and happily agree.<P>Calls me a few days later and says "What have you done to our son? Can't I trust you to take care of him" (He had just been sent the doctor's report.)<P>Calls me a week later and says "Uh, I have been thinking. We can live together, but I don't want a relationship with you." I am super mad! He is pussyfooting around and I have no idea why! I tell him to forget it, I will leave the kid with my mom, go to Korea, stay in the army.<P>Comes to my house two weeks later on his way to Japan. (Can I stay at YOUR house? and I say "Well, duh, why are you asking me a question like that? It's your house, too?)<P>Him and me and all three kids--it's a goatrope of fighting and crying as he does his best alternately pick fights/ignore me. I find condoms in his back pack (doesn't need them with me) her phone number in his address book, and many rendezvous with "M" recorded in his dayplanner. He tells me that I am rude to snoop. I dismiss this all as nothing.<P> I still get blamed for our son's diagnosed handicap. A couple nights into the visit, he comes to bed, makes love to me. I was estatic--I figured all was resolved. Nope.<P>He moves out, into a hotel, and tells me he's only interested in seeing his son, and that's his only purpose for coming home.<P>He comes back, Easter morning, takes me out to breakfast, and says "Please get out of the army and come with me. At least for the kid's sake." (Well, duh.) He moves back in. We resume sexual contact. Sometimes we have fun and enjoy each other, sometimes he is still hostile.<P>I gather my command together to give them them my final decision. Husband is consulted, officer to officer. My CO asks him if I were to be released from the army, does that mean that he would not go through with divorce? Husband says no, not necessarily. I am very angry at this point, with the going back and forth. Husband says it's my fault, because I am a risk to his career due to my "emotional nature." (We have been in trouble before, for fighting, and having the MP's called on us, ect.)<P>We talk, and we finally decide that it's best that I get out of the army--but according to him, it's for the kids. I am also doing it to be with my husband, but I am not getting a warm and fuzzy. However, we are finally sleeping together and living in the same household, I am not going to squabble about it. He goes to Japan. I am to follow. <P>He gets an apartment in Japan, sets up the household. Then he is supposed to go back for another school on the e coast.<P>We communicate through e-mail, every letter is signed, 'I love you.' I am going through the process of getting out of the army--very, very, very painful for me, because I love my career so much.<P>Suddenly, the I love you's stop. He stops writing, stops calling. He meets me at the airport on the way back from his school to escort me to Japan. He treats me as if he all-out abhors me.<P>We get to the new house. I am estatic--the house is beautiful and I am full-time mom, for the very first time in my life. He is rude, angry, and brooding. I find a picture of his girlfriend while cleaning the house. I confront him. He says they are just friends.<P>I find more pictures. He says "WE are just REALLY good friends." I find e-mail from other people alluding to "his girl in DC." I confront him, and he tells me to mind my own business. Says there was definately no sexual contact with her.<P>He is partying every weekend, drinking heavily (these things he never did before) and gets up in the middle of the night to go on-line (you know, eastern time back in the states.)<P>He is then deployed out on ship--deployment is to last 3 months. While he is gone, I find their chat files while I am fixing the PC--more than a year's worth. I tell him what I find. He is very wrathful that I have been into his things. He voluntarily extends his tour on ship for another three months. We e-mail every day and discuss the EA.<P>He had met her on-line in Oct 98. He told her initially that he was separated from me in order to keep her friendship. He fessed up when it became "real." She is married, too, and lives two hours from his school. They dated up until he saw me at Christmas 98. The sex began shortly after I got orders to Korea, mid-January 99, and continued for about six weeks. She left her husband and got an apartment for the two of them. He decided not to live with her, can't do it to the kids. She's mad. He breaks it off at the point where he leaves for home, but wants to keep the relationship going. He then resumed marriage with me, didn't talk to her for a month until he got to Japan. He restarted cyber relationship with her, including sex. Also began cyber relationships with a few others, cybersex trade and that sort. A lot of porn on the computer, some of which he generated himself. He actually met one of his cybersex partners in person in St Louis, I don't know what happened in that meeting.<P>I left Japan to come home for a court hearing for children, decided to stay here with my parents after being decieved and cheated on. Husband has since admitted to the full monty. Says he doesn't blame me for wanting to stay, says he screwed me over bigtime. I tried to go back to Japan as soon as he came off ship, but no success getting a military flight out. He will have to come get me if he wants me. So far, he hasn't made a move. Says he still loves me very much, and will continue to do so, even if we divorce.<P>Divorce is imminent. He must give up the house and move into the barracks soon, and I must get a job. I have one lined up at a Idaho sheriff's department. Mountain search and rescue. I must move up to the mountains with kids, and it will be hard.<P>I am not in recovery, not in plan A or B at this point. In limbo. Don't know what is going on.

Here it goes,<P>I am 34yo and H 29yo, we are married 3y in september. We have a 1yo baby boy.<P>Our problems began when we got married, b/c we cannot find things to do together. I used to go to my parents very frequently (as i grew up in a very close family) and H hated that, began to withdrawal. I began to feel that i couldn't live that way anymore and began to LB.<P>By then i was 4 months pregnant, and H and I have a very tough fight i said to him awful things. Although i apologize for what i said, H never forgave me and a month later told me that he is not in love with me anymore. <BR>In spite of that he didn't leave house and still continue there, when baby born i discover this site and began to read a lot. About 9 months ago i began Plan A, it seemed that it was working until last weekend where H hurt me so much telling that he knows him pretty well and knows that he will never be in love with me again, although he loves me. He still doesn't know if he wants to divorce or not, i told him that if he wants to divorce he must be the one to initiate the process.

Female age 39<BR>Husband age 36<BR>betrayed<BR>married l0 years<BR>dated 6 months prior to marriage(mistake #1)<BR>first learned of affair Dec 20, l998<BR>co-worker...affair length varied from l to 4 months...(depending on who I talk to)H insists it was l month.<BR>H ended affair, recommitted to marriage and children. Resigned from job. No further contact. <BR>Had counseling...lasted 3 months. Used several books to help including After the Affair, Torn Assunder and some of John Grays work.<BR> Learned of second affair in May 2000. Affair<BR>was 7 years ago and lasted one and a half years. Also co-worker from previous job, I worked with her too.<BR> Filed for divorce end of May. Recanted beginning of Mid June.<BR> Now trying to Begin again using MB techniques and counseling.<P>

where to start......<P>me 39<BR>h just turned 40 major midlife?????<BR>3 kids 17,13,11<P>found out about affair in jan 2000<BR>h told me he is not in love with me (famous line)<BR>thought was a friend, duhhhhhhh<BR>h said he just kissed her, nothing else ea??? i think more to it. h says he is in love with her<P>since then have been through the emotional roller coaster and then some<P>h moved out of house in july 2000<P>comes back almost everyday to see kids<BR>makes a point of telling me he is going out with friends<BR>h is hanging out with 20 something year olds<BR>ow is 27 lives at home, no responsibilities<P>we in the meantime have all the responsibilities of kids, mortgage, car payment, ect. older son ready to go to college.<P>right now i am at the point of taking care of myself. going back to school and not worrying about what my h is doing. I do not contact him unless it is an emergency with the kids. he calls everyday and talks with the kids and then will usually ask to talk to me. talk about nothing specific, can't get to emotionally connected to me.<P>i would like to save my marraige, but h's attitude is we are getting a divorce. tells me all the time that he does not want anything to do with me. but right now we can't get a d because of finances.<P>so i guess i am in a kind of limbo. not sure of what to do, but know that i do need to take care of myself and kids.<P>

Female/Betrayed<P>35yrs/H 34yrs<P>married 16yrs.....dated 1yr, engaged 1yr. Married when my H was 3 days out of high school.<P>Discovery of EA/PA 2months ago<BR>length of above.....4months, stopped completely 2wks before telling me. H and OW agreed it could not go on any longer.<P>This was his only affair and I am blessed to say we are in recovery, living together and communicating more now than we have in many years. Divorce is NOT an option. We will do what it takes to completly recover.<P>OW is divorced with 4 children and has been my best friend for 19yrs.<P>We have 4 children 14, 13, 7 and 4. All who do not know anything about what has happened. It is so important to us to keep them protected from all of this. They see us very happy now and working on our marriage. <P>We have read the book His needs Her needs and have really been able to talk things out. We are counselling with some people in out church and are accountable to them. We are both in a class called Cleasing Streams and are getting much out of it. I took this class in durning the time of the A and am taking it a second time with my H. About the time the A started is when I felt it was important to start reading The Power of a Praying Wife. All along knowing something wasn't right but just praying for H.<BR> <BR>OW because we have be friends for yrs. and are kids have grown up together puts an interesting twist into all of this. We don't want to tear the kids apart. So we have chosen distance and when explained to the older ones we have told them OW and I are seeing things very differantly right now. They have been able to let it go and just pray. Problems come when kids want to spend the night with each other and all I can do is see her face. <BR> <BR>My H and I have worked through much garbage the last few months. I'm not saying we are done but each day is getting easier.(I have spent the last 6 1/2yrs in depression and 9months out)There are ALOT of old habits to break.<P>I know the time is coming when I am going to be faced with working things out with OW. I'm not to willing to let a 19yr friendship go down easily. I feel as if I am breaking new ground!!! Even wanting to be friends with her again but yet I can imagine my life without her. <BR> <BR>YES, I have forgiven both them with a measure of grace I never thought was possible. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life!!! I am thankful to my God who has been walking side by side with me, without Him I wouldn't be where I am right now. Passionately in love with my H. <P>I have been on this board only 2 days but feel much support here. <P>I'm praying for the people God brings to my mind and if God brings me to your mind please pray.<P>Blessings,<BR>inhisight

Married 40 yrs, 4 grown children.<BR>H quit job of 32yrs to take a better position in a small plant. I supported him all the way, even though the thought made me nervous.<BR>After one year the owner sold plant to a corporation and left. H and OW (office manager)are in charge. H tells VIPs and personnel that he has been married 6 yrs, he only counts the good years. (H tells me that he said this. He withdraws from family.<BR>H and I always had a warm and satisfactory relationship, but after the job change he became more distant and quiet. VIP's from Corp. visit once a week for meetings and take some office personnel out to lunch. H says they told him to go to lunch whenever he wanted to (use petty cash) and he and OW begin to go together. Later, he says he took her to lunch and paid himself, at first, because the VIP's didn't show all the time and he developed feeling for her. Update;<BR>PA began in summer 98 ended in summer 00. DD 6-01. <BR>Husband took OW to conference weekend fall 98.<BR>H and OW took a computer class for a day and didn't get back until after midnight, because she wanted to stop at another business she had invested in. There is a 3 hour gap in this trip that is yet unexplained. Sex in car on return trip.<P>I went to scrapbook get-togethers during this time and OW was there, but treated me cool and seemed to be watching me. Update; PA was in progress at this time. <BR>In the spring of 99 I had a couple surgeries and then the diagnosis of breast cancer. More surgery followed and then chemotherapy in the summer. Update is that H was sex at the office 3 times a week, after hours.<P>H has a overnight business trip planned with a salesman, but at he last minute the OW goes instead. They leave late in the day for the long drive H says he didn't want her to drive it alone at night. (Update: H now says he did not want to go, turned around and came back, then decided to go with her for her safety, but ended up having sex when she cried.) At this time I began to worry about the relationship between them. She is married but her husband stays at a vacation home and they get together on the week-ends.<BR> <BR>In the fall of 99, H has angioplasty, his mother has angioplasty and my step mother dies. We fly twice to my father's and finally have to place him into an Alzheimers facility. After a month (I am in daily radiation by then) H flies to bring my father back here near us, and he is in a facility here, and he died (9/1/00) <BR>H not intimate for over a year, didn't want to bother me while I was sick. (Everyone said they didn't know how I kept my spirits up, even the dr, and the lack of closeness with H was what bothered me most of all.)He says he thought I would initiate intimacy, but he was having slight potency problems in the past (PA had started) and I was feeling very bald and ugly, couldn't risk the rejection. H goes to bed and turns away to sleep, sometimes not talking the whole evening. (H says the guilt was horrible, not worth the PA)<P>In Spring of 2000 I return a call (11:30am) to H and learn that "they" are gone to deliver a part and lunch. He returns my call at 2:30 and when asked, says he and OW went to discuss goals put before them by the Corp. <P>A few days later when we are supposed to visit my father who has been disruptive, he says he won't be home til late because OW is meeting with her financial advisor at work after hours. Later that night I tell H that I am tired of him putting her concerns ahead of ours. He says he had told her they couldn't go to lunch anymore because it was causing problems at home (! If I hadn't found out, they could still go...)<P>We talk of the lack of intimacy and H says he waited for me to initiate and after awhile he didn't want it and doesn't miss it. While talking H says the lunches began 1 1/2 yrs ago (but receipts show 2 yrs) and that he took flowers (gift from the company) to her apartment when she had surgery. (update: he didn't take flowers, forgot why he went but thought flowers would be logical because of her surgery, some kissing and she showed him incisions) I couldn't believe that.. but he says he doesn't know why he did it, just told the office girl to order them and that he would pick them up (all lies). He never gives flowers to me, even during this past year. That might well have been the most hurtful thing so far, but I think it is an accumulation of all the incidences.<BR>We start counseling tomorrow and both are reading some books.<BR>Lately when I start any intimacy, H falls asleep right away, so I am just waiting to see what counselor and MB can say to help.<P>UpDate Jan01<BR>We have been in counseling for almost 5 months. H likes it and we have become close again, but not without set backs. H has never given any information unless I ask.<BR>About a month after starting counseling (H advised not to have one on one with OW, agreed, but still staying after hours with her) H says he was going to work a couple hours on a Sat. I said I would go along to shop for a gift after he was done. He became nervous, wouldn't look at me, and I held his face and told him I could amuse myself for a couple hours. When we got near the company H turned the wrong way, I questioned this and H said he had forgotten his keys. We stopped for gas and I asked him to drive by the office, he said sure. OW car was the only one there! <BR>I told him how dishonest this was, that we hadn't made any progress with the counseling. We went into the office and OW rolled her chair into view and said HI, H was standing by her, both looking at me. Overwhelmed, I thought I would be sick.<P>H is defensive and critical of me, swearing in my presence. Out of character for him.<BR>I ask about it saying he wouldn't do it at work, he says 'true, it would show disrespect'. I give away my two pets because he claimed he had no control over them coming into the house. H is shocked.<BR> <BR>In Oct OW quit her job and H quit his the next day. This was because of a problem with headquarters but it looked as if they quit as a unit. <BR>H took a job at another company, 3 days a week and there was an almost immediate change in his attitude. He smiled more, he called me during the day, he is loving and kind. A complete 180. <BR>OW not working near here, moved to her place up north. No contact other than one call a week after they quit.<BR> <BR>Update Summer01~Recovery still brings more disclosure. <BR>I had asked about gifts early after DD. H always said there were none, he gave all office personal calendars during holidays. <BR>I noticed a display of porcelain boxes at his office recently. He said he buys them for himself. <BR>After more talk, he brings home several gifts; magnifying glass, coffee mugs, large grill tool set. Later, he admits she gave him the boxes too, and brings them home. I package up the gifts and send them to her H, restricted delivery, he signed for them. After that,I got one call that I believe was her (daughter answered, strange cold woman's voice), but wasn't home to take it. <BR>Details of intimacy hurt the worst. Just days ago H wrote a 4 page note, telling of yet another day trip, motel etc. Admitted sex in the car on trips. <BR>H claims he cared for her, but never stopped loving me, would never have considered leaving me, though OW asked repeatedly and he thought out the 'cons' that such a decision would present. <BR>There has been no contact, but one ex co worker still sees OW and then calls H. They talk business but OW name comes up. <P><BR>[This message has been edited by LAD (edited January 13, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by LAD (edited July 29, 2001).]

Married 10 years (all glory to God)<BR>6 kids 3 grandkids (yours mine and ours)<P>disclosure 12/99 "almost mistake 1996"<P>predisclosure plan A implemented 5/99<BR>I feel confident we will recover, making heaps of progress<P>Do not 100% agreement to the basic concepts, so will continue with plan A until then.<P>My advice, is:<BR>1) Decide you want your marriage to work, whether there is disclosure or not<BR>2) Pray and follow the MB principles of Plan A/B until there is a commitment to the basic concepts<P>Newbies: I am very sorry you have to be here, especially at the infidelity section. But life will get better, if you really want it too.<P>Also, I do not post to the newbies very often, life is adjusting - but I lurk once in a while, and post to the old timers. Your posts aren't going ignored - but it may feel this way sometimes when you join MB. Many of us lurk and say a prayer for you.<P>TNT

H and I have been having problems for some time. I can see we have been living in <BR>Conflict state and finally Withdrawal state for quite a while. On 7/27, I went to visit my parents and I returned on the evening of 7/31. My husband got home shortly after I did. I tried to talk to him, but he was distant, angry, moody, argumentative -- acting strangely. He would even pull away when I tried to touch him -- not something he's ever done. I tried to dismiss it but it went on for a couple of days and he was so unreachable.<P>On morning of 8/2, after H left for work, I snooped in his overnight bag. I found a hotel receipt and key card tucked inside a key card envelope. Didn't think too much of it at first -- he travels all the time with his job. Then I looked a little closer llok at the name of the hotel and it didn't sound like one where he usually stays. Then I looked again at the receipt -- the hotel was located in our home town and it was for the Saturday night that I was gone. There was something else inside the envelope -- a condom (not one of ours). Another look inside the bag produced a note written on the hotel's note pad that said, "Joe (not his real name) Had to get going. Didn't want to wake you. Talk to ya later, Sue (not her RN). I was hysterical!<P>I tried and tried to reach him on his cell phone but it was turned off because he was in a meeting. I then called a mutual friend (and also the wife of one of his co-workers) to get her H cell phone number to try to get a hold of him that way. I asked her if she knew someone named "Sue". She said yes, that was the daughter of one of our H's co-workers. I fell further into despair. She's only 21 and a total knockout.<BR>I told my friend what I had found and she was shocked.<P>I finally got a hold of my H. I was furious and asked him several times if he had cheated on me. He finally said yes, that he had. He agreed to come to the house after his meetings to talk.<P>In the meantime, I called this girl. I confronted her and she said she was led to believe our marriage was over. I told her, if it was, it was news to me. Initially, I was so mad at her, but as our conversation progressed it became apparent to me that she was a child and had no wish to be caught in the middle of this mess. She seemed to be a victim in this, too.<P>When my H finally came home, he was not remorseful, he was more angry. He said as far as he was concerned the marriage had been over for some time. I told him it would have been nice of him to let ME know that. He said he was moving out. He proceeded to pack up some of his things while I completely humiliated myself and begged him to stay. He left that day (8/2).<P>The next couple of days were a blur. I spent a lot of time on the phone talking to friends and family, looking for love, support and prayers. There were many. <P>On that following Fri am (8/4), I decided to try and call this girl's father (remember, my H co-worker). When I reached him, he already knew and so did his boss (also my H boss). The girl had actually called and told her father herself -- then he told his boss. The father was furious with my H and was devasted himself by what had happened. We shared some words of comfort then he told me that his daughter had mentioned a gun to her head would remedy the situation. I told him to tell her that I forgive her. I didn't want this to be a scar on this young girl's life. (As far as I know, they are both doing fine)<P>I didn't call my H and didn't hear from him until Saturday afternoon (8/5). He called and was mad at me because I had called "everyone." I told him I needed the love and support and I didn't think I had done anything wrong. He felt like I was trying to manipulate him.<P>He said as he saw it, he had two choices, 1) Stay with me and stay with his job or, 2) Leave his job and move back to his home state. I asked why he felt these were his only two choices and he said that his boss had more or less given him an ulimatum. I told him that under no circumstances would I accept a "forced" relationship with him. He had to *want* to work things out or it wouldn't work at all. He seemed to calm down a little bit after that and said he was going to come to the house. <P>When he got there, we talked for a little while and he seemed unsure about what he wanted to do. He wouldn't commit to staying or going. It finally got to be dinner time and I invited him to stay. We ate dinner and watched a movie and actually had some pleasant conversation. It was getting late and I told him he could stay if he wanted. He said he would see. When it got much later it was apparent that he had decided to stay. I was going to bed and asked if he was going to come upstairs. He didn't say anything. So I went over to him and gave him a quick kiss on the mouth -- which caught him by surprise -- and said I hoped he decided to come up. He did. <P>We slept in the same bed that night, but it was quite platonic. The next day, I fixed him breakfast and was nice to him all day. I had to leave in the afternoon to go pick up my son -- I was going to be gone for 4 - 5 hours. He said he was going golfing with some friends. I invited him to come back that evening for dinner. <P>I arrived home around 6pm and at 7:30 he called and said they had just finished golfing and he was on his way home. He hadn't showed me that kind of courtesy for some time. We had a very nice dinner that night and more just nice time together watching a movie. <P>We went up to bed together and I wanted desparately to make love to him. I initiated physical contact with him, but he was hesitant. He finally said, he didn't think he was "good enough." I assured him that I loved him and wanted him -- and we made love. It was different though. It was like he was not completely there emotionally. I was not sure it had been the right thing to do -- too soon maybe.<P>The next morning, I saw him off to work (something I don't usually do) and I sent a couple of yummy sandwiches with him from our roast beef the night before. He was going to his 2nd office in a neighboring town and from there was leaving for his home state for a family reunion and his G'pa's 80th birthday party. We had originally planned on going on the trip together, but after D-day he said he didn't want me to go -- he needed some time. I asked him before he left that morning if I couldn't just come out a couple days later and leave earlier so I wouldn't have to miss the celebrations. He relunctantly agreed.<P>He called me that night (good), Tues night (good) and Wednesday night (not so good). Soon after our conversation Weds night he left for parents home. <P>On Thurs, my son and I left for the trip. We only went part way and arrived at his parents on Fri afternoon. My H was not there (on purpose) and he didn't show up until 1 am after the bar was closed. His parents and I were all still up and he came home mad at me. I asked why and he said again, because I had called "everyone." He also said that he had not wanted me to come, but I had insisted.<P>We got into a big fight and he said he wanted it over. He said he didn't love me "that way" anymore -- that he hadn't loved me for a long time. I felt like I was going to slide right off the face of the earth. I left his parents house that night and went and stayed in a motel room. The next day, I came back by and picked up my son and we left to come home.<P>At this point, I was so confused. He seemed receptive the last few days before he left. He was even saying that he loved me (when I said it to him) but once he said it first. Now, he was completely withdrawn again.<P>When I got home I called his parents home and spoke with his brother just to let them know we had arrived safely. After that, I just waited and did not make any contact.<P>Today (tues) he was due to come back from parents. He called around 9:30pm and said he was going to "drop by" and pick up his mail. I was Plan Aing all the way and it went pretty well (see my post under Emotional Recovery).<P>That is my story to date -- 8/2/00<P>God Bless, KristyAnn<p>[This message has been edited by KristyAnn (edited August 19, 2000).]

married 15 years, together 20 total. One son, 9 years old.<P>Most of marriage there has been love busting and failure to meet her most important emotional needs on my part.<P>Aug 4 came home and was told she loved me, just wasn't "in love with me".<P>Immediately ceased love busting and trying to restore love bank account. Had first session with Jennifer 9 Aug. W initially seemed uninterested, but may be slowly developing an interest in working to fix us. We have talked more in the last 10 days than in the last 3 years. Have been visiting the site to try and find a spouse with the same feelings as mine to help me craft a plan to help her fall back in love with me.<P>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited Aug 21, 2000).]<BR>Just an update, I gave up, and accept it's over...<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited June 08, 2001).]

H and I are 39, married 14 yrs, together 16.<P>We have one six year old son.<P>I discovered affair 5/29/00. It had started in March. OW is fellow tenured faculty and so is OWH. OW has two sons, 11 and 14.<P>I wanted him to stay. He said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. After three weeks he told me he wanted to be with OW. I fell apart, but so did he. After talking to friends, I suggested separation in which we put decision on hold. He agreed.<P>I discovered Harley's SAA book and this website. Tried to begin doing plan A, and asked him not to move out. He feels he has to move out.<P>He stayed in house for time being though. Had apartment lined up for 8/1/00. In meantime, OW starts to have doubts about disrupting her family. H is extremely depressed, suicidal. He sees a counselor who says he shouldn't be alone, so he gives up apartment. <P>I need to see someone but also want counseling together. Trying to figure out insurance and so forth. Haven't seen anyone yet.<P>8/16/00 H says it's definite now that OW doesn't want to break up her marriage for her kids sake. He is in withdrawal. Has started on antidepressant. Will continue to work with her, however.<P>I guess this is positive news, but I feel worse than ever. I'm not sure I really love him anymore. We'll see what happens...