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#402158 08/29/00 11:06 PM
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My husband and I have been married for almost eight years. We have had our ups and downs but for the most part had a good marriage. Six months ago he started talking to this woman on the internet. At first I didn't think anything of it. Then things started to change. I told him not to talk to her anymore. We had a fight and I went to my sisters. When I can back I found out he had had phone sex with her. I told him then that I didn't want him talking to her anymore. He promised me that he wouldn't. That was four months ago. He would stay up all night on the computer instead of coming to bed with me. He told me he was just surfing and chatting a little with some friends he had met on the net. I believed him. Last week I found out that all this time he had been talking to her and lying to me about it. He then told me he wanted to leave me for her. He was getting ready to leave and then decided not to because I started to cry. Then he got real depressed because he didn't. He now says that he wants to work things out with me but I think that is only because she now doesn't want anything to do with him. She thinks he lied to her. We are white and she is a black lady. He says he loves her. He also says that he has always had a thing for colored women. Our sex life has suffered a great deal. I can't trust him and I don't know how to get over it. I feel like honesty and trust is a big thing in a marriage. ANd if you don't have that there isn't much.

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Welcome BrownEyes6673...

I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you...

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites...
Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)

About your post...

You are not alone...

You're hurting now and a bit unsure...

Catch you breath...
Learn about the MB concpets...
Read my Welcome post.

Start (even if you don't understand it all) a Plan A...
..check out the mechanics in Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

Get the book..."Surviving An Affair"(SAA)... and read it.

You have my prayers...

Jim


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BrownEyes - You are not alone. This is a terrible thing that has happened. My H's affair began on the internet - they never had cyber or phone sex, but they met twice! He had to fly two hours to another city! We live in Canada - she in the States! They "Fell in Love". It is so easy to fall for someone online - what a "safer" place. You can expose yourself without danger. She met all his needs online to the point where he excluded me totally. By the time they met they were already connected and in love. I was completely blindsided by this. I knew something was up - we weren't really talking - sex was intermittent and he was staying up late at the computer instead of coming to bed. He decided it was all over between us before he even talked to me - and this woman even told him to talk to me. (However, she had huge needs to fill as well, so she didn't have the morals to NOT meet with him - arrrgh). Anyway - we are four months into recovery. My H cannot tell me loves me which is the most hurtful thing. We are in counselling, talking, having great sex, and really trying hard to reconnect although I know my H misses OW terribly some days. The internet is a powerful thing - dare I say evil. It is addictive, like a drug. BUT - my husband is with me, and even on the night of dday he slept in our bed with me. A sign? I don't know, but we are very close physically these days. He could have easily jumped on a plane to be with her, and she could have easily done the same! I have to hang on to the hope that his love for me still exists, buried somewhere inside him. Still lots of work ahead.
I hope just hearing my story helps and that you know there is hope.

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Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Many of our WSs started their affairs via the Internet. My H refound an old HS friend and they started chatting. Soon they were chatting 2-3 hours a day on ICQ. I don't know when he worked. Eventually, she came and visited us and that led to a PA. It is very painful. It takes time. The people on this board are very supportive and encouraging. You are always welcome here. Good luck to you.

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My H is addicted to the internet, but he did all his sneaking around while at work. He had his internet access at work denied, but I know how easy it is to get access. He used to go to the library before church meetings at night. I thought he would go to kill time and read the paper - how dumb was I.

For a while a couple months ago I would find new e-mail addresses and I found he had set up a folder for on-line personal ads meeting his standards. The folder was titled "my desire". I think of that all the time when I think I'm the lie.

The computer can be evil and it's so scarry.

Good luck.


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Those painful dishonest e-mails are actually a gold mine if you look at it another way.

How would like for him to be so addicted to YOU that he talks to you throughout the night. He's proven his capacity to be addicted, why don't you become his drug?

No, you don't have to become a black woman like his fantasy. Frankly, I think that's just a cop out by him. There is some characteristic about them that excites him. Perhaps he imagines that they are easier to talk to, he can be more explicit in his language, perhaps he feels that he is sexier to a black woman than he is to you so it boosts his self-confidence.

Bottom line: you have a huge library of information on how to hook him for life and you didn't even have to type any of it. She did you a favor.

You know, in sports/business/warfare or most anything, the old saying goes "in order to win, take what they give you". Your husband is who he is. You can't change that. Use his weaknesses to get your needs met. I think if he were as obsessed with you as he was with all of that destructive stuff, you'll feel a whole lot better about everything.

Become an expert on figuring out what it is in all those e-mails that got him so committed to wanting her. Discover the secret to his motivation and thinking creatively to see if you can find a way to meet his needs in a way that is enjoyable to you.

Try it!


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LadyK, Alberta, and others,

The computer is not evil. It is simply being used as a communication tool. Emotional and physical affairs didn't start with the Internet. Likewise, denial is not a river in Egypt- it's a state of mind that allows you to ignore information that may be painful for you to deal with, but it is nevertheless key to the recovery of your relationships. It's easy to fault straying spouses for a lack of moral fiber, but the reality is that love is conditional, (excpet loving our children), and people stray with EA's or PA's when their emotional needs aren't being met in their marriages. It may be partly their own fault, for not communicating their needs and seriuos to their spouses; it may be partly their spouses fault for discounting their partners needs, because they aren't the same as their own, or the just don't recognize their validity. Whatever, healing will occur only when those issues are in the open, and both spouses take responsibility for their end of the relationship. Having any spouse that stays up late at night on the computer while you're in bed is such as screaming warning sign of breach in the relationship- it is typically tolerated or not remarked because of the distance which has already arisen. I wish you all luck in repairing your marriages; take Harley's principles and advice to heart, and if you can, avail yourself of phone counseling, or use a counselor in your own area who understands the principles and is willing to work with them.

Best wishes,

Jon


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Your right Jon - calling the computer "evil" is a bit strong. I'm on the internet all the time! I suppose it's all about choices though isn't it, one chooses to use something and the consequences of those choices.
Thank you for your wise words.

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Internet infidelity, I believe, is one of the hardest challenges a marriage can ever have to overcome. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. 4 years ago, my sister took ill. Later we found out she had AIDS. While she was dying, my wife started chatting with a man on the internet. It turned out he lives about 3 blocks from our house. About 6 months after my sister passed away they decided to meet for sex, and met several times after that. My wife claims that it was just a "thrill" to do something behind my back, and that the sex really didn't mean anything. She betrayed me at the time in my life when I needed her the most, and continued the affair through our "Second Honeymoon" cruise. Although I suspected she was fooling around (I even followed her a couple of times, but she went where she said she was going) I could never bring myself to beleive that she would actually do it. The last 3 years of our marriage was a sham. She treated me like something she'd stepped in, and I kept trying to make her love me by doing everything I could think of to make her happy. My own unhappiness was growing and I took refuge in talking to a woman I work with, who also needed a friendly ear. Although we never slept together, we did have an intimate relationship. My wife intercepted an email from her, and called her to tell her to "Leave her husband alone" It was on this night that she admitted her affair to me, claiming that though she hadn't formally ended it, she had decided to stop seeing him. She also said that had she not thought that I was having an affair that she would not have told me. Now, with the background out of the way, here's the questions. If someone can make plans to have sex with a complete stranger, how can they ever be trusted not to take up with someone they know and do find attractive? She says that won't happen because she doesn't want to lose her family. Is fear of losing her family a legitimate reason for not having an affair? Will I ever be able to let her leave the house without wondering if she's going to meet someone she shouldn't. The witch that was living here the last four years has gone away for now... but will she come back? Finally, will the watermelon that appeared in my stomach when she told me ever completely disappear? It's been 3 months now, and things are better between us than they have been in a long time. Forgiveness is the easy part... allowing yourself to trust your spouse again is the real battle. I'm still fighting it, I only hope that I don't lose the war in the meantime...

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by BrownEyes6673:
My husband and I have been married for almost eight years He was getting ready to leave and then decided not to because I started to cry. Then he got real depressed because he didn't. He now says that he wants to work things out with me but I think that is only because she now doesn't want anything to do with him. She thinks he lied to her. We are white and she is a black lady. He says he loves her. He also says that he has always had a thing for colored women. Our sex life has suffered a great deal.

BrownEyes,

The good thing is your husband showed compassion for you and did not leave when you cried.

Years ago, I begged my husband not to leave me, but he left anyway. On top of that, he told me it wasn't because of anything I had done. He said he just tried to justify his affair by pointing out my faults.

Think about it. Your husband is more in love with the idea of getting close to carrying out what he used to think about. Children pout and get depressed when they can't get what they want, but they recover.

After discovering an affair, intimacy with your husband is tainted with imaginings of how he was with the other person.

However, it is not impossible to regain passion, intimacy and trust. You have good days and bad days.

I have e-mailed my husband as if we were lovers--and we are--

So are you and your husband!

------------------
Love hurts no one.



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