Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#402481 09/26/00 07:10 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
Hello All<P>This is my first post to this site, but I have spent 2 weeks reading the Basic Concepts and other people's posts.<P>Before I ask my question, I would like to relay my story which many of you may feel is "classic"<P>My Wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for the last 8, I am 32, she is 30 and we have 2 children 6 and 3.<P>I had not noticed any particular problems and<BR>we had not had either an argument or a sit-down heart-to-heart discussion about our marriage at any time and I presumed that everything was OK, I was certainly happy and still in love with my wife.<P>Over the last 4 or 5 months, my wife has been using the Internet more frequently and has joined an online puzzle game complete with messageboards and ICQ/MSN Messenger links etc.<P>During July she started to take odd days off work on the pretext of meeting old friends for days out etc. - I was not suspicious at this stage.<P>However, about 3 weeks ago, a succession of events including Caller Display of a new name on her Mobile Phone, together with an incident of complete panic when I walked in on her during an ICQ session with somebody of the same name.<P>I am not proud of my actions but I then installed a Keystroke recorder and analysed the content of my wife's conversations the following night. I also hacked her Hotmail account with the same tool and discovered that there was a full blown EA in effect.<P>I confronted my wife about the discovery at which point she broke down, stated that she didn't love me anymore and was leaving. She left that night and is now staying with friends.<P>The children are at home with me, but my wife<BR>now appears to be on "overdrive" and has already arranged for her pay to go into a new<BR>solo account and has cleared the house of most of her clothes, jewellery etc.<P>She is still collecting the children from school each day, but leaves the house and the children as soon as I return home.<P>I believe that her affair has now turned physical with the OM as she is still using my PC to communicate with him before I get home. Yesterday, she thanked him fow the wonderful weekend, how she hated waking up without him and would he think of leaving his wife and child for her.<P>I am utterly devastated by the way my life has changed in the last 3 weeks and am struggling to cope. My wife does not know that I know all the details of her affair, including the OMs name, address phone no. etc.<P>I have agonised over ringing the OM or his wife but have not as yet. I am trying Plan A and being as nice as possible to my wife each afternoon but in the back of my mind I know how she feels about the OM.<P>I understand that 3 weeks is early days and she is clearly infatuated with the OM, but how long will it be before the "fog" lifts and she starts to realise the nature and outcome of her actions. I am naturally upset at being rejected but am more concerned about the effect that this is going<BR>to have on the children.<P>- Should I be in Plan B or still Plan A?<BR>- Should I confront the OM / OM's wife<BR>- When will she "wake up" to what she has done<P>At the moment, I desperately want her back and am willing to work on whatever is wrong in our marriage, but she is simply unwilling to discuss the matter with me.<P>Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.<P>Sorry for the long post<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 233
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 233
Hi HarryHat: Well you are right your story is classic. There isn't much I can say other than there is hope for you and your wife.<P>Have you read any of the books suggested here? If this were me I would confront my spouse. I have a hard time keeping things in and wouldn't have been able to prevent confrontation. I would confront even though she has left. You devoted 10 years of your life to this woman. The least she can do is give you the peices to the puzzle and the answers you are looking for.<P>It could be that once she sees the pain in your eyes she'll realize she still has feelings for you. Even if things haven't been perfect for you in the past few years it doesn't mean you can't get it back.<P>It's a hard time but you'll have to keep your strength for your children. You will go through ups and downs like you wouldn't believe. And it will seem like it will never go away. But get out your reading material. It helps to understand the dynamics around affairs. It really isn't such a black and white thing. Good Luck. I'll be saying a prayer for you and your children. Keep posting and let us know how things go. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
HarryHat,<P>You need to confront your W, with what you know. The affair needs to see the light of day. She is not aware that you know that her failing out of love has more to do with OM, than with you. She is under no pressure yet, and neither is OM, but once it is clear that you know of the affair, then she will have a bit harder time rationalizing the affair.<P>Plus the OM may not want to lose his family and the knowledge that you know may well cool his ardor for your wife. So talk with your wife about the affair. Do it in as an emotionaless way as you can. Tell you know about her and him. Use his name, so she knows you are not BS'ing her.<P>This situation can be recovered, but it will require a tremendous amount of patience on your part not to mention love.<P>Hang in there and God Bless,<P>JL

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,244
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,244
I have to reply to you, because my situation is very close in many ways. Assuming they (our wives) are in the classic fog, all these things like changing bank accounts are the usual routine. Mine did the same. She suddenly wanted to separate in June, so has been operating under that "status", but living in my house. Problem is, OM was in her life before she wanted to separate. So I think mine justifies her situation by saying "I was separated". But it is still the classic affair. She is planning on using maiden name when she moves out (5 weeks), is actively EA and PA with OM, denies it, even though I've confronted several times.<P>I just keep Plan A going, but it is the hardest thing I've had to do. You feel sick, angry, resent, fury, yet you love her and want her back. Mine started the same, going out alot, emailing, etc. Now, she is out all the time, doesn't see the kids alot. That is one way I know she is missing half her brain now. She was the ultimate mother.<P>You have an interesting scenario though. Your wife is leaving at night. I can't give legal advice, but I'd see a lawyer, because you could get custody of the kids from what I see. Or at least have a better shot at it. When someone "leaves", there are legalities involved which can work in your favor. Of course, this isn't Plan A stuff, but just something to keep in mind just in case.<P>The advice you'll get here would be to a) do Plan A, b) tell her you know, c) do not confront the OM or his wife, might being them closer together (that is a tough one tough), and d) regarding waking up - who knows...whenever the fantasy wears off.<P>In your case, you are lucky about one thing. Two people would have to leave their spouces for the situation to go long term. That isn't real likely. In my case, OM is single (but he is not offering a future because she has kids and his parents don't approve).<P>I totally understand what you are feeling. It is horrible and consumes all your mind, you can't think properly, yet you have to be strong for the kids. What you are doing is very admirable (handling things at home with the kids), and know that everyone here respects you for trying to save your marriage and being a great dad.<P>I too want to work on what was wrong (just not enough EN met). I couldnt' figure out why my wife wasn't willing to work on it either, at least try. Then I found out about OM, and it makes more sense....how can she work on us when she is "in love" with OM. I just have to wait and Plan A. I'll be watching your posts because this is sickening and I am there right now too. Hang in there. Read as much as you can about affairs, like the SAA book, and the articles on this site...they help you understand how your wife can be so thoughtless and selfish. It just like when you fell in love...you abandon everything else and that is all that counts. It is very hard.<P>Take care.

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
lostsoulmate, Just Learning, Rick37<P>Thank you for your replies. They seem to<BR>reinforce what I am currently thinking.<P>The only new information that I can add, is that I returned home last night to discover that my wife has now decided to increase her working hours from 9 til' 2, to 9 til'5 and has stated that she will be unable to collect the children from school.<P>She says that it is to earn more money to get her own "place" at which point she wants us to share the children on an alternate nightly basis.<P>To be honest, long-term this would be an improved solution than the present, as although I love my kids incredibly, I do not want them to lose contact with their Mother, she is a damned good parent.<P>My only concerns are the short-term whilst she is working extra hours to earn money for rent/deposit as I will be looking after the children exclusively during the week. My other real concern seems to be the "overdrive" pace at which my wife is trying to become independent of me. <P>Whilst she is currently staying with friends, the situation doesn't seem so "permanent" in my mind, but now she is talking about finding her own place it seems that she is even more adamant to remain separated from me. I am still going to stick with Plan A and obviously she is still engrossed in her affair with the OM and I believe that she is not thinking clearly.<P>I shouldn't give up hope yet - should I?<P><BR>Thanks again<P><BR>HarryHat<P>

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 14
V
VAR Offline
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
V
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 14
HarryHat<BR>I'm yet another person in a very similar situation. My situation came to light about 8 weeks ago now, and they have been the most excrutiatingly painful weeks of my life. I still don't know where things are going, and can't really give much advice except that it is early in the game. The further she removes from your life, the more difficult it will be for you to work on Plan A. I would get a phone counseling session with Steve Harley and ask whether it is time for Plan B. It only costs about what a regular counseling session with a psychologist would cost, but I feel it is more useful because while many counselors try to get you to say what you should do, Steve has a plan and helps tell you how to implement it. We're all cheering for you, but unfortunately the bulk of the decisions have to be done by your wife, and those decisions will require time and experience. You have to hang in there until her relationship with other man begins to hit bumps in the road. Steve HArley says that it will happen, it's just a matter of time. Hang in there, take care of your kids, take care of yourself, and live from one day to the next.<BR>VAR

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,244
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,244
Give up hope? Absolutely not...she is in the classic fog, and is not thinking properly. Mine too. Plan A best you can. It might take a long time, but just do it. I'm in a total mess now, but I have hope and continue to do whatever I can.<P>You are seeing all the same things....increasing work hours to get more money, wanting own place fast, not as attentive to kids. Being confronted certainly triggered her actions to some degree.<P>Keep a journal of when she comes home each night, and any other details. Just in case. You'll think some days that it is hopeless, but it isn't. Just read some of the postings from people that made it.<P>

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
Rick37, VAR<P>Thanks again for replying.<P>My wife has been using my PC again and appears to be doing all of the "running" in her relationship with the OM.<P>She is bombarding him with suggestions of a future for her and him and upsettingly has even mentioned moving away from the area to be nearer to him (150 miles away)<P>Something else which upsets me is her apparent need to tell everyone that she has left me. I have only told my parents, brother and best friend in the 3 weeks since she left. <P>My wife has told many mutual friends, neighbours etc. It appears as though she is telling all of these people in a bid to convince herself that there is no going back and that she is building a wall to stop herself coming back becasue of shame etc.<P>Am I just clutching at straws here or is this typical "fog" behaviour also.<P>Sorry for posting so frequently its just that I need all the advice I can get.<P>Thanks again<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
Hello all<P>I am still living in "limbo-land" at the moment and am becoming less sure of the right action to take. I have purchased and read the SAA book which from my perspective seems to summarise my feelings exactly (I am Jon!)<P>However I am finding it difficult to Plan A since my wife moved out on D-Day and I rarely get to see her. Whenever I raise the subject of the OM, she clams up and states that he is not the "Issue" and that he is just a friend. I however have masses of Emails and text files from a keystrok recorder where she expresses her undying love for him.<P>From previous advice given and from the SAA book, I understand that my best tactic at the moment is to let her know (respectfully with no LBs) that I know that she is having a full blown EA & PA with him and that there is no point in her continuing to lie to me about it. Hopefully this may make her see the affair in a slightly different light and part of the "magic" might wear off..<P>The only problem is that I am unsure that I can have this discussion with her given the limited opportunities and the undoubted emotional reaction that it might raise in both of us. I am desperate to Plan A as much as possible and when I do see my wife, she is very pleasant and chatty with me providing that the topic is neutral e.g. kids, work etc.<P>I need some advice to push this thing on, as I am sure that my wife will be quite happy to keep up the "just friends" charade whilst coninuing her double life.<P>Sorry if this rambles on a bit, I'm just having a particularly confused day about the whole subject today.<P><BR>Thanks again to all.<P><BR>HarryHat

Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
HarryHat,<P>If you cannot talk to her, the write a letter and tell what you know and need to tell her. You must find away to communicate with her. <P>Are the children with you or with her? This is a big issue. If they are with you she won't be going anywhere for awhile. I would also see a lawyer about her moving the children if that is her plan.<P>Since you have read SAA, you know this is a long term project. Sort of like a chess game and you are just in the opening. But like chess, playing the opening well goes a long way toward winning.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 265
M
max Offline
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 1969
Posts: 265
The fog will lift only when the affair stops becoming a secret and is exposed for what it is. In my opinion, you should inform this man's wife. The chances are that this OM is using your wife and will not leave his wife and family. I would recommend that you read Dr.J.Dobson's book "love must be tough".

Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 373
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 373
You want to win. He's almost won the whole thing.<P>It took a long time for things to get this point, it's not going to be fixed overnight.<BR>Getting furious and flooding her with guilt about the effect on the kids is only natural, but you will lose her if you do. It's called Love Busting. You can read about it on the site.<P>You've got the evidence. Is there anything in the e-mails that gives you a clue to what he is doing for her that makes her feel so special? Look for an emotional need being met, not a sexual one.<P>When is the last time you two were alone WITHOUT THE KIDS and just spent some time together? That's what they are doing, his wife and kids aren't in the same building.<P>The most important part of Plan A is to cancel out what her lover is doing for her by doing the same thing. Flowers? Hotel? Daily love messages? Treating her like a lover instead of a parent/child/homemaker?<P>He's not hugging your kids or doing the laundry. That's not going to get her attention. Do what he is doing. The goal is to cancel out the positives that he is giving her by doing the same thing. Then the guilt will come naturally to her when she thinks about the children.<P>Admit to your wife that none of this would have happened if you had met her needs. Ask her what you need to change. Above all, tell her that you still love her and want to win her back.<P>As you gradually win her back, she will miss him terribly. This is called withdrawal, it's also on this site. Grit your teeth and comfort her during withdrawal. Get her to tell you how much she misses him (that seems unthinkable, but it works).<P>The whole reason why this affair happened is because she can talk and share her most intimate and honest feelings with him and not with you. Grit your teeth and listen, get her to talk. It will hurt, but that's how you win her back.<BR>

Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 373
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 373
If she won't talk to you, it's because you are not a world class listener. I guarantee you that she talks to him about anything. You need to compete with him in this crucial area.<P>Tell her that you won't say a word no matter what she says or how hurtful it is. Don't interrupt no matter how ridiculous a statement she may make. Maintain eye contact, hang on her every word. When she's finished, give her a hug and whisper that that you love her.<P>That's it.<P>Don't say a word. Please don't offer any "solutions" or "ideas" to fix the problem. She won't listen. The first step is to get her to talk.<P>Remember, don't say a word.<P>He's a much better listener than you are. But anyone can be a great listener if you just do those easy steps.<BR>

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
<BR>Thanks again to all that have replied. Your<BR>advice is really giving me strength and I am<BR>sure that I would be utterly lost without<BR>the advice and principles I have found on <BR>this site and forum.<P>My wife came to see the kids today and I told<BR>her in a calm non-LB way that I knew that<BR>her relationship with the OM was more than<BR>platonic. She stated that it has been only<BR>a platonic relationship before she left me<BR>but agreed that it was now much more than<BR>that.<P>I stayed calm and expressed that I still <BR>loved and wanted her at which point she<BR>sort of half-smiled whilst shaking her head.<P>I also stated that I wished that she felt<BR>that she could have talked to me of her<BR>unhappiness before things got to this stage.<P>I hope that none of this was LB'ing but I'm<BR>still at an early stage of our separation<BR>and due to the lack of regular contact with<BR>her it is sometimes difficult to build<BR>a slow, consistent Plan A.<P>I think (in fact I know deep down) that <BR>conversation was the primary unmet emotional need, together with companionship. My case is quite similar to Jon in the SAA book, in that I had made my career and providing a <BR>good standard of life for my family, my number one priority. Particularly in the last<BR>year I have been coming home from work <BR>exhausted and not wanted to do anything<BR>other than watch TV and sleep.<P>I am just terrified that this is now a lost<BR>cause. I know that everybody states that<BR>this is just the beginning of the ordeal and I really want to believe it, it's just that<BR>it seems so hopeless sometimes. It's<BR>heartbreaking to have your wife admit to you<BR>that she has someone new in her life and you<BR>begin to wonder whether you are prolonging<BR>your own agony by trying to win her back.<P>Some days are better than others I suppose!<P>Thanks again<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,244
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,244
It isn't a lost cause. And trying to win her back isn't just prolonging the agony. It is never hopeless, and you are trying to save your marriage, which is what anyone would do in your shoes. You are doing the right thing.<P>It is devastating to know there is someone else. I feel the same. And some days are much worse than others. I've had some really crappy days the past month, and actually since the start of June, when my situation started. But I have come to believe what I read on here, and I know that the fantasy thing is like a powerful drug. The fog has to start to life before they start to face reality.<P>Unfortunately it takes alot of time in some cases. I take it the children are with you? Has your wife spoken about the custody plans for the children? Is she calling them alot? What is the latest on that?<P>Take care and keep posting as much as you need to. I sometimes think I'm polluting the forum with my stuff, but really everyone here wants you to post as much as you need to when you need help.<P>

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
Rick, Cuckold, JustLearning<P>Thanks for your repeated replies to my posts, indeed thanks to everybody.<P>I think that my biggest problem with following Plan A is the fact that my wife has already left me (on D-Day) and the only times that I see her are when she comes to collect or leave the kids.<P>The kids are staying with me overnight still, and my eldest is beginning to notice that Mummy is never there in the mornings.<P>Plan A feels right to me but it is so hard to put into practice when I only see her for about 10 mins. a day and she refuses to discuss "us" and the kids are always present.<P>Hugs, kisses, massages etc. are definitely out of the question, I think that would freak her out. (On D-Day after confronting her I tried to hug her and assure her that we could work through this but she flinched and then left within the hour) I'm still trying to understand why she left on D-Day particuarly as the affair was only EA at that stage - Could it have been the guilt at being discovered and feeling that she could not bear to face me each day now that I knew?<P>She sometimes seems confused but on other days she seems utterly ruthless and formal with me (I guess this may be dependent upon the amount of contact that she has had with the OM on a given day)<P>Another thing that worries me is that she only gets to see OM once every couple of weeks as he is married and lives 150 miles away. Although this could be seen as a blessing, it also means that it will be quite some time before they (hopefully) start to see each others faults, and the fog might lift.<P>I feel that I'm caught in No Man's Land, I don't get enought contact with her to effectively Plan A and the Affair will take an eternity to die due to the distance and impracticalities involves.<P>On a more specific note, when I informed my Wife that I knew that the OM was not "just a friend", I also asked if he had made any commitment to her (knowing that he was married). My wife replied "He can't at the moment".<P>Any ideas of what I could read into this? Does it perhaps suggest that he is enjoying the best of both worlds and has no intention of leaving his wife and is just using delaying tactics with my wife?<P>I still don't think that I should contact the OM or his wife. I agree with Rick that it could backfire and push my wife and OM closer together if OM's wife throws him out.<P>Thanks again for all the help. <P>Rick - I have read some of your posts in the Plan A forum and want you to know that I have the utmost respect for what you are doing. If there is any sanity and justice in the world, the good guys will prevail.<P>Thanks all<P>HarryHat

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
Hello HarryHat, I visualize Dr Seuss's "Cat in the Hat" when I see your name.<P>You have gotten some good advice from Rick 37 and you're doing a great job. First, you put the keystroke monitor into the computer. Very smart. Smarter than I was.<P>I found a letter 3 years ago, to the OW. I confronted my H. This stopped all further letters. It also stopped my being able to discretely monitor the progress of the EA. But I am not good at working silently and discretely behind the scenes.<P>So my would be excellent source of information dried up.<P>Allow your wife continued access to the house; thereby making it possible to assess the damage and the state of the affair. You can do better armed with certain knowledge. <P>Agree w/Rick37 (I think it was Rick37) Don't confront the OW wife. This thing will die of its own weight. Also, would your W agree to returning every other night to the house, staying there to see the kids, rather than uprooting them to stay in her place, then return to their "home" since birth? Do you have friend or family who would put you up every other night, if W refuses to sleep in same house with you? Better the grownups suffer disorientation than that the kids have to spend every other night in different places, different beds, packing up a bag with favorite toys, blankies, etc.<P>This would also give you the opportunity to check the computer, since she would be on it after the kids are asleep.<P>Yeah, I have a devious mind. But not enough self-control to follow my own advice.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 656
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 656
HarryHat, welcome to the club...although its a club none of us wanted to join!<P>You're in an emotional free-fall right now. Step outside of yourself if you can. This affair is not about you or anything you did "wrong." It is all about her. She's in a fog, and it will take her some time to come out of it. <P>How much time? I wish there were some standard answer. It's been 3 months since D-Day for me; 2 months since she moved out; two weeks since she filed for divorce. Last night she said she missed me, realized she may have made a terrible mistake, and wants to put the divorce proceedings on hold.<P>Not exactly cause for a victory celebation, but certainly a reason for you to have hope.<P>Like everyone else here says, this is just the beginning of a long process.<P>You will be angry.<BR>You will be frustrated.<BR>You will reach new depths of depression you could never have imagined.<BR>You will do and say things you never thought you would.<BR>You will give up over and over again.<P>However:<P>You will find a wealth of information and good advice here.<BR>You will find that you are not alone.<BR>You will find people whose marriages have survived affairs.<BR>You will find people who divorced, and are better off for it.<P>First of all, read NSR's "General Welcome for All New Builders." Good stuff!<P>Start with Plan A. Only move to Plan B if Plan A fails. Don't worry if you screw up, we all do at some point.<P>Realize that there are NO guarantees. Work on yourself first, so you can be a better person...better for her when the "fog" lifts, and better for yourself if it never does.<P>Keep reading, keep posting, and don't bother with the OM or his family. He's obviously not worth your time.

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,244
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,244
I can see your concern with OM being so far away, and therefore thinking that it will magnify the time needed to let them see their faults. Seeing faults though, isn't the only thing involved. At least you know that your wife didn't leave and enter continuous fantasyland...it can't be easy on her. She has this OM that isn't around much. That might work in your favor....you never know. I still think that this is quite fresh, and you are home with the kids. The longer that goes on for, the better it is for you. Have you talked about this with a lawyer as to how this would help should she really stay away?<P>Second, since you only see her for 10 mins a day, not leaving much time for plan A, you can still do little things. Make life at home seem like fun if you can. I don't know if she is just coming and you leave, but could you have little fun carpet picnics with the kids when she arrives, movies and popcorn with them, have some other children over and play games when she is arriving (musical chairs or whatever), make some really nice dinners and practice your chef skills, do fun crafts with the kids, and get them really loving their time with you (not that they don't already). Paint a room and let them help...then fix it when they are in bed. Take them to a movie sometime and ask her if she'd like to go (if that seems right). Dress nice whenever your wife arrives. Keep the house looking good. Think of anything you can that she didn't quite like before, and change it. Do things she might have wanted to do. I know it isn't much, but work with whatever little things you can. Surprise her, send a pizza or something to her for lunch, but go to the place first and attach a set of earrings to it with an I miss you card. If you leave for the day, and she arrives, have nice bath stuff ready for her and leave a note telling her about it (soap, pillow, bubbles, big towel, etc.) Just bear in mind that every situation is different, as I'm sure you know, and you need to judge if the time is right for this kind of stuff. I'm just throwing out ideas. Don't do one and backfire.<P>One of the former WS here said the turning point for her coming back was seeing her husband playing with a bunch of kids one day, and she realized at that point that she didn't want to lose him. You just never know.<P>I don't know your situation more than what is her of course, but she has got to feel left out if she sees that life at your house is fun and rewarding, and she is not there.<P>No doubt the shock of being confronted hit her, and being away from the kids every night must be hard on her. That can't go on forever.<P>If you get a chance and can ever talk some, let her know that you understand her need for ENs, and you accept your role in this not working the best for you two, but that you love her and will not give up...however, you know her, so be the judge on what might be best. I'm just thinking that she might need to know that you believe you can work through this...but you have probably told her that anyway.<P>Lastly, if it seems right, send her flowers to wherever she is staying, or to work if she works. Or a teddy bear, card, whatever. Others will know how you care for her. People will really respect you for what you are doing (I do and everyone here will), and you'll continue to look like the attractive option.<P>But as I said, just do only what you know might make sense. I'm just afraid to suggest the wrong thing that she resents, because in the fog, you never know what the reaction will be. I guess I have a new outlook, because my wife liked flowers I sent yesterday.

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 53
Thanks again for the support.<P>To answer a couple of questions, the kids are still staying with me overnight.<P>I put them to bed, get them ready for school and drop them off at the Childminders.<P>My wife collects them from school at 3:30pm and then returns home with them and prepares their meals etc.<P>I return from work at around 6:00pm at which stage she usually leaves immediately.<P>Weekends seem a little intermittent. In the last 4 weekends, she has not managed to see them on both the Saturday and Sunday, but has usually managed one of the two days (Time with OM I expect)<P>When she does arrive at the weekend, she usually takes the kids out for the day and then drops them back off before leaving again.<P>As you can see, my chances to Plan A are a little limited. I have sent her an Email describing my wish to work on our marriage and have tried to briefly introduce this topic into a conversation on Sunday. However she was fairly dismissive without being aggressive and does not seem willing to even try. I think that this must be due to her infatuation with OM, she clearly envisages a future with him and does not want me clouding the issue.<P>Although some of Rick's suggestions seem good e.g. flowers, cards etc., I am not sure how she may react. She could be genuinely pleased or she may simply throw them into the bin and probably tell me not to try anything like that again.<P>It is so difficult to gauge what she is thinking. She has not been aggressive with me but I think that if I try Plan A to hard she may react badly and accuse me of interfering or something to that effect.<P>I will probably try another Email later in the week to try and remind her that I exist and of my feelings towards her.<P>Thanks again.<P>HarryHat<BR>

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 50 guests, and 47 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
purple17, cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux
71,729 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,547
Posts2,322,775
Members71,730
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5