Back in August, I found out my W was having an IA with a man who lives about 7 hours from us. Her relationship with him originated on a business level, but I found E-mails that led me to believe an EA had started. Unfortunately, I found those E-mails while she was visiting him. She did have a girlfriend with her but I found out later she ditched the girlfriend and spent the day with him. I confronted her and she claimed that there was no physical affair but that he met some of her ENs that I wasn't. I did send the OM an E-mail (I was the one who introduced them) and told him to stay away (he too is married). I have been doing a PLAN A since that time to try and make things better (6 wks). Since then I have no reason to think she still contacts him but I am not sure whether this is because she is being more careful. She does exhibit some of the affair signs from the board and in some of our conversations she asks hypothetical questions about caring for two people and how others she knows have relationships with two people so that all their ENs are met. I have told her that I would want all my ENs met with one person and would not tolerate such an arrangement. These conversations lead me to believe she is gauging my resolve and/or feelings about our situation. Now she is going away for one night this weekend. The place is halfway between our home and the OMs. My dilemma:<P>1. Not knowing if the affair is really happening, I could have her followed and find out for sure. This would relieve the stress of not knowing which is wearing me down emotionally and mentally. The problem is that it would be expensive and it would be difficult to hide the expenditure.<BR>OR<BR>2. Let her go and hope that the PLAN A will convince her that it is better to make our marriage work. My problem with this is that the nagging doubts about the OM will keep getting in the way of our progress because it upsets me. I think if there is an affair it will continue because my wife can get the best of both worlds.<P>Which way should I go?<BR>

Have you suggested going with her and making it a mini get-a-way? I don't want to tell you what to do one way or the other. I would be considering both options heavily myself. <P>Can you just ask her if she will be with him? Get phone numbers and address for this place. Call frequently(not obsessively). If you know this other man, see if you can reach him during the time that she is gone. In the end, you can not control what she does. You have to decide how much of this torture (spying)you want to put yourself through. <P>cleo<P>

It is worth the expense for your peace of<BR>mind and your future. If it is true, I would<BR>immediately contact his wife and let her<BR>know the truth. Your wife will then learn<BR>the consequences of her actions on everyone.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cleopatra:<BR><B>Have you suggested going with her and making it a mini get-a-way? I don't want to tell you what to do one way or the other. I would be considering both options heavily myself. <P>Can you just ask her if she will be with him? Get phone numbers and address for this place. Call frequently(not obsessively). If you know this other man, see if you can reach him during the time that she is gone. In the end, you can not control what she does. You have to decide how much of this torture (spying)you want to put yourself through. <P>cleo<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes. I have been trying to get quality time for us for some time and she only consents to things like shopping together or an occasional lunch. We have three young children and my mother-in-law also lives with us (77 yrs old). She can watch the children during the day but it would be a hardship for overnight. This is my frustration because my wife always uses that as a reason for us not being able to get quality time but she can go away alone because then I am home with the kids as well. On some levels the Plan A has improved things, but I cannot shake the nagging doubts about her seeing someone else. Her actions and comments make me feel like I am being set up.