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#402649 10/08/00 02:03 PM
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<BR>I confronted my wife this past Monday (October 2, 2000) about an emotional affair that she has been involved in for the past 4 months. She met a man at a gaming site on the Internet and fell in love with him over time. She has met with this person on one occasion (He lives several states away), and it went only as far as a kiss. She has developed a very strong emotional bond with this person. They would type back and forth to each other that they loved each other so much. We have been married for 11 years and have 2 wonderful children. Our relationship was not bad, but it could have definitely been a lot better.<P>I have been plan Aing for the past 3 months not knowing about the affair. We have even been going to counseling together. I thought we were making progress when the whole time she was talking to this %$#@# behind my back. I know that she would have been more than willing to work on our marriage if this other man was never in the picture! She is trying to tell me that she is not working on a decision to leave me for this other man. It is simply whether or not she wants to stay with me. That is BULL, if he were never in the picture there would have been no decision to make!<P>My concerns:<BR>1) She does not show much remorse for what has happened.<BR>2) She has not said that she wants to work on our marriage.<BR>3) She does not see that things can be so much better than the way they were.<BR>4) She feels that she is so in love with this other man. I don’t know if she can give him up.<BR>5) Will the fog lift in time to save our marriage? Will she see what she is about to loose, before it is too late?<BR>6) She feels that the IN LOVE feeling must be there first, in order to make a marriage work.<BR>7) I just pray that she gives us the chance our family deserves.<P>Here are a few of her concerns:<BR>1) It took years for her to fall OUT OF LOVE with me, how could she fall out of love with this other man in a short time period.<BR>2) She feels that she is not herself when she is around me. I have repressed her true personality.<BR>3) She does not think that my personality can change (It can and is)<BR>4) She does not want to go back to what we had (Neither do I. I want a better relationship!)<BR>5) She fears that I will never trust her again. (I will in time)<BR>6) She does not feel that she loves me the way a wife should. (Her and this other ^%$#$ are soul mates)<P>Any advice on the above concerns would be much appreciated,<BR>Ran<BR>

#402650 10/08/00 06:37 PM
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NSR Offline
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ranman,<P>1) She does not show much remorse for what has happened.<BR><B>you can't expect too much remorse... and if you do you're only going to hurt yourself... don't do it!</B><P>2) She has not said that she wants to work on our marriage.<BR><B>common... ignore it... it's a fog induced stupid saying</B><P>3) She does not see that things can be so much better than the way they were.<BR><B>she won't while the affair is on</B><P>4) She feels that she is so in love with this other man. I don’t know if she can give him up.<BR><B>your focus has to be YOU... a better... well trained "giver"... whose "taker" has now become more patient</B><P>5) Will the fog lift in time to save our marriage? Will she see what she is about to loose, before it is too late?<BR><B>no one really knows... don't kill yourself on this one</B><P>6) She feels that the IN LOVE feeling must be there first, in order to make a marriage work.<BR><B>you know better</B>!<P>7) I just pray that she gives us the chance our family deserves.<BR><B>I'm praying for you too</B><P>-------------------------------------------<P>As far as her concerns go...<BR>...they are all fog/addiction induced!<P>Keep on Plan A-ing...<P>Check out the links to past posts on "forgiveness" and "trust" found in my <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_NPT.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited October 08, 2000).]

#402651 10/08/00 07:46 PM
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Jim has covered it well as usual.<P>As you'll read alot here, your wife is definitely in a fantasy. The initial stages of someone new are exciting, romantic, and they always think it is like nothing they've experienced before. It is like a powerful drug. From what I've read, almost always, that wears off.<P>Your concerns and her concerns (all of them) are exactly the stuff I think/hear. But I've come to grips with the fact that my wife is in a fantasy, and it will not last forever. I've seen signs of it not lasting already, although it is still happening.<P>I hear the same thing about the decision being leaving me, and having nothing to do with the other man. You've got that one figured out. They just don't want to admit that it is someone else.<P>Work on Plan A and figure out all the things that you know were not optimal in your marriage. For this to happen, there are always some things that you know were not correct between you. Unfortunately, you have to wait for the fog to clear before she'll think straight, and realize what she stands to lose. You have two wonderful children, so ultimately, you are in the drivers seat here. You have the best cards.<P>Post as much as you need to here, vent, ask questions, etc. All the stuff she says is what they all say in the fog. It hurts alot, but you have to believe that it is the fog causing it. There are WS that can relate to what she is saying, and they are now back with their spouses happier than ever....but the fog had to lift first. I'm in the same boat, the fog is still there. Take care.

#402652 10/08/00 10:13 PM
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ranman Offline OP
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Thanks Jim & Rick.<P>I just pray that the fog will lift before we both go insane......<BR>---------<P>Jim, <BR>Thanks for the prayers<P>--------------<P>Rick,<BR>How long has your W been in the Fog so to speak?<P>Thanks again,<BR>Ran

#402653 10/09/00 07:05 AM
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Hang in there. I too face the same dilemma. My wife just isn't thinking clearly. My problem is that she can't seem to accept that I love her dearly despite everything. She actually thinks that I am trying to rebuild our marriage back so I can turn around and dump her. It's difficult to understand because at the same time these feelings help justify her contacting the OM (well, if my H is going to dump me anyway, I may as well go through with the EA). It makes absolutely no sense but still I try to work on Plan A in the hope that she realizes that my love is not a ruse nor is it wrapped with conditions.

#402654 10/09/00 06:56 PM
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ranman:<P>How long in fog? My wife all of a sudden wanted to separate in June (start), said there was no hope, saying she has changed, she needs someone that wants her and loves her. Said there was no one. Eventually bought a house that she gets in 3 weeks. We are amicable, except when I confront that I know about OM. I finally clued in to the OM in July, and it appears that it started around the time of our "virtual separation", or soon after. Logic would say that there was EN to make her want to separate. Month earlier she said she was happy.<P>So for several months, she's been out all the time, doesn't spend alot of time with kids, and does no housework. Obviously not thinking rationally.<P>Gill: This junk about "no you don't love me"...bla bla bla is so typical. I get the same thing. Just attribute it to the fog. It drives me crazy, because no matter what I say or do, she will always maintain that I dont' love her....that is just the excuse for not making moves towards saving marriage. It is the standard stuff. Frustrating, but all we can do is Plan A and wait.

#402655 10/12/00 03:34 PM
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The funny part is that she has never said she wants to leave (yet). She continues to maintain she wants to save the marriage but I just don't see a level of effort.

#402656 10/12/00 05:05 PM
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ranman Offline OP
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gill:<BR><B>The funny part is that she has never said she wants to leave (yet). She continues to maintain she wants to save the marriage but I just don't see a level of effort. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just wish my wife would say that she wants to save the marriage! That would be a GREAT start. I still have know idea of her plans or desires.<P>Ran

#402657 10/12/00 06:39 PM
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Hello: I am so sorry for your pain. I hope that through time she will see what a wonderful husband you are to her. Confronting her is a good idea, I just wish you could heal yourself as you reach out to her. You say you will be able to trust her again, and I hope this is true. I hope she sees the love you have for her. I wished my H. could see the love I have for him, all he sees is her love. I will not sit in the pain, because, like you I have children, so I need to help them heal and move on as well. Your wife is a very lucky lady, she doesn't see that yet, but she will, I just hope it is not to late for her, or for you. I will keep you in my prayers, and I will pray for your children as well. Gena

#402658 10/18/00 09:26 AM
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I know just how you feel. My husband found a w from Germany and flew over this summer to spend a few days with her. I got into his email and found all the awful correspondence. He came home saying he loves me, but stayed with a friend. After all these months he now says he doesn't love me doesn't want to be married, and wants to email ow again to find out if it was fantasy or real. However, he still calls me 3-4 times a day (casual) and last week he slept on our couch six nights. I too, am so confused, and of course he blame's everyone around him for his troubles. He says he doesn't have it in him to try at our marriage, but I know he loves me, but to what degree I do not know. I will pray for you....Keep your faith up


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