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#402659 10/09/00 06:52 AM
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As you may have read in my earlier post, I was facing the dilemma of trusting my wife's trip was to "spend time alone" or have her followed to determine if she was indeed alone. Well, I determined that my mental and emotional health had dteriorated to a point where I had to know. I did have her followed and she did meet the man she met on the Internet back in August (they had one in-person meeting as he lives 7 hours away by car). Back then, I wasn't paying attention to all her ENs and accepted some of the blame. But now I see that despite six solid weeks of meeting her ENs that this guy is not out of her system. I decided Plan B was in order but she asked me to stay so we could talk. She drove 4 hours to get home in time for a discussion. I told her she must stop the communication with this man or our marriage cannot continue. While she was somewhat contrite, I'm still struggling with my trust in her. It's shattered. I told her not to plan on any trips away without me. She could not give me any concrete reason for seeing him again. I find that hard to stomach. Am I destined to be a neurotic spouse who checks through papers and drawers looking for evidence? I despise the fact that I had to resort to surveillance to find out the truth; a wife of ten years. I put my heart on my sleeve, told her of all my insecurities about us and she used it against me; making me feel guilty for watching her every move. I love her very much and don't want to destroy a family with 3 children. My mother-in-law (God Bless her) has been an enormous help in terms of sharing my difficulties. She knows everything. I have hit rock-bottom emotionally and mentally. My wife claims to want to want everything to work between us but she said that before this happened. I have a million questions and no answers.

#402660 10/09/00 09:23 AM
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Gill: I have found myself going down a road that I despise. As you said I feel a need, in order to remain married to my H, to keep up the surveillance. However like you it makes me sick to my stomach. When I even think about having to check his cell phone bill or call him during the day my heart races, my hands turn ice cold yet I'm burning up, and I can't prevent the shaking.<P>Each time is like I end up crying, so sad and withdrawn because I have to resort to such behavior and I realize this isn't who I want to be. Yet my H says he wants to make things work with us and he has been doing so much to prove that I can't even say. But as soon as something happens that pushes us back several steps I start to feel like I'll be doing this for the rest of my life. Which I don't want. I do still have hope although at some point even if I have no proof of the or a affair continuing that I have to draw the line and say I can't live like this anymore. My self respect is so low I can barely look at myself in the mirror. But I do know that if in the end my marriage is fuller than ever and that my H is more committed than he's ever been and we can look back at all this without feeling the pain that came along, then the price I'm paying now is cheap. But the problem is, no one can determine the future and if in the end I'm just being used only to be thrown out when done, then this price is more costly than all the money in the world. So here I sit being pulled in 2 different directions. As I'm sure you are. Your mind saying get on with life and don't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate or respect you and your heart holding onto the one person whom you chose to spend the rest of your life with, to hold each night, to love like there's no tomorrow and to share every aspect of your being with. <P>I never thought this would be such a hard battle to fight. Yet here I am fighting it ever minute, of ever day. Hopeing that some day my H will give himself and his heart to me. <P>If your wife is saying she wants it to work then maybe you can give it a try. But it's a hard battle. You may find yourself fighting alone most of the time but like I said if you can find your family in tact and healthier than ever with a marriage partner that you can't stand to be away from then it will be worth it. the problem is finding the finish line and knowing when it's over.<P>Good Luck Gill. <P>"The truth in what one says lies in what one does"<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited October 09, 2000).]

#402661 10/09/00 09:27 AM
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Dear Gill,<P>I am very sorry that you are in this very hurtful predicament. <P>Your wife seems to be caught up in a MLC. She loves you and wants the marriage yet cannot help but stray for attention elsewhere. It is darned unfair and painful for you as you honourably stand by your vows. Don't berate yourself for wanting and going ahead with knowing the truth because then you can do what you require to get the marriage back on track.<P>I hope you both see a professional counsellor and/or a pastor trained in marital counselling. Your wife in particular needs to recognise that what she is going through is a phase in her life where she may be facing a plateau and is looking for a jumpstart to hit a new high, and in so doing she is risking a wonderful husband and a bundle of precious children. Please get counselling to address the issues of trust, MLC, communications, commitment, the future, and acceptable boundaries of behaviour.<P>Perhaps in the near future, you both may get to go on a holiday as a couple and rekindle the fire. Often times, it is not the Betrayed's fault but that the other spouse just lacks the strength of character and focus to protect themselves in a marriage or to commit even when the going gets a little tough. However, as the 'saner' (you can bet I don't feel very sane nowadays [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]) of the two, the betrayed often has to do the work of dangling the carrot in front even as we hold onto the reins. What is the carrot in the marriage to her? Dazzle her and make her fall in love all over you again and let her realise how foolish it would be to lose the man who loves her so much and 3 lovely kids for a realtive stranger who has no commitment to her whatsoever.<P>When the load is too heavy for your shoulders, bend the knees. God will answer your prayers.<P>God Bless You<BR>weep<P>

#402662 10/09/00 11:57 AM
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Dear Gill,<P>I must say that I also share your pain. I also have resorted to some kind of survaillance. Everytime I catch myself trying to find out what he's doing, I feel really bad and angry at the choices I'm making. Just like you, I don't want to have to resort to such devious actions. I know that the thought of not knowing is hard, but knowing by means of deception is also hard. It is quite difficult to get through a relationship without trust. Everyday, I work so hard at trying to build that trust back. One thing we have to remember is that actions speak louder than words. Our partners need to realize what pain we are going through and make a choice to be loyal and truthful to us. In the meantime, our self-healing and self-worth is what we need to work on. It is hard to stop spying, but I figured out that my H's infidelity is not my fault. It was his choice, therefore, I shall not undermine my own values to try to fix the problem. There is always strength within ones suffering. Loving ourselves and doing things that make us happy will eventually lead to self-healing and gain back our self-worth. <P>Lot's of luck to you Gill...<P>BJ<P>

#402663 10/10/00 12:36 AM
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Gill,<P>I feel for you sir! A couple of thoughts for your consideration.<P>First and formost the OM MUST be taken out of you and your Ws life. Period, the end, no exceptions! If that means the computer gets put in the closet for a few months, so be it. Computer withdrawl has never killed anyone.<P>Second, I would suggest you confront the OM and "explain" that you know what's going on and it is OVER. If the OM is married then his W needs to know everything you know. At that point he should be busy with his own life and won't have the time to be bonking anyone else's W.<P>Third is the issue of trust. Why should you trust her at all? Hasn't she proven that she is willing to lie, go behind your back, and in general demonstrate she isn't worthy of your trust.<P>I agree with Dr. H. that you need to be working on her ENs, but to close your eyes to what is going on around you is foolish. If she wants to rebuild your trust in her, *SHE* is the one that needs to take steps to make her time TOTALLY accountable to you and to actually deal with the lost trust.<P>Trying to pretend that you trust her when you don't is a sure fire disaster waiting to happen. *YOU* won't be able to do it and you'll feel guilty for not doing it.<P>Honesty is the best policy! Tell her you don't trust her. Tell her how much the distrust hurts you. Tell her how mistrusting her makes you feel. Tell her which of her actions make you distrustful. (IE. Spending time alone)<P>I know I don't fully agree with many others on this subject but I can tell you, that to me, cheating on your spouse is about as low as a human being can go. She made those choices and *SHE* is responcible for them!<P>And NO, I will never buy into the idea that someone made her do it. She had lots of choices to either change things, improve things, or walk away from the marriage. No where in your marriage vows was there room for cheating!

#402664 10/10/00 12:46 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lostsoulmate:<BR><B>Gill: I have found myself going down a road that I despise. As you said I feel a need, in order to remain married to my H, to keep up the surveillance. However like you it makes me sick to my stomach. When I even think about having to check his cell phone bill or call him during the day my heart races, my hands turn ice cold yet I'm burning up, and I can't prevent the shaking.<P>Each time is like I end up crying, so sad and withdrawn because I have to resort to such behavior and I realize this isn't who I want to be. Yet my H says he wants to make things work with us and he has been doing so much to prove that I can't even say. But as soon as something happens that pushes us back several steps I start to feel like I'll be doing this for the rest of my life. Which I don't want. I do still have hope although at some point even if I have no proof of the or a affair continuing that I have to draw the line and say I can't live like this anymore. My self respect is so low I can barely look at myself in the mirror. But I do know that if in the end my marriage is fuller than ever and that my H is more committed than he's ever been and we can look back at all this without feeling the pain that came along, then the price I'm paying now is cheap. But the problem is, no one can determine the future and if in the end I'm just being used only to be thrown out when done, then this price is more costly than all the money in the world. So here I sit being pulled in 2 different directions. As I'm sure you are. Your mind saying get on with life and don't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate or respect you and your heart holding onto the one person whom you chose to spend the rest of your life with, to hold each night, to love like there's no tomorrow and to share every aspect of your being with. <P>I never thought this would be such a hard battle to fight. Yet here I am fighting it ever minute, of ever day. Hopeing that some day my H will give himself and his heart to me. <P>If your wife is saying she wants it to work then maybe you can give it a try. But it's a hard battle. You may find yourself fighting alone most of the time but like I said if you can find your family in tact and healthier than ever with a marriage partner that you can't stand to be away from then it will be worth it. the problem is finding the finish line and knowing when it's over.<P>Good Luck Gill. <P>"The truth in what one says lies in what one does"<P>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited October 09, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I keep hoping she'll realize that I love her and that she can find what she needs within me. It just seems that she keeps me at arm's length. She says that this is a defensive action borne out of fear that I'll depart. However, this feeling then serves as a justification for going outside the marriage (Oh, he's leaving anyway so what's the difference). It's sad. I feel like I'm invisible. She has someone who loves her right in front of her face and she keeps looking past me. She wishes for our relationship to be like it was when we were first married. So do I. I just don't think she'll ever put her arm down to let me in.<BR>

#402665 10/10/00 12:57 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Country Guy:<BR><B>Gill,<P>I feel for you sir! A couple of thoughts for your consideration.<P>First and formost the OM MUST be taken out of you and your Ws life. Period, the end, no exceptions! If that means the computer gets put in the closet for a few months, so be it. Computer withdrawl has never killed anyone.<P>Second, I would suggest you confront the OM and "explain" that you know what's going on and it is OVER. If the OM is married then his W needs to know everything you know. At that point he should be busy with his own life and won't have the time to be bonking anyone else's W.<P>Third is the issue of trust. Why should you trust her at all? Hasn't she proven that she is willing to lie, go behind your back, and in general demonstrate she isn't worthy of your trust.<P>I agree with Dr. H. that you need to be working on her ENs, but to close your eyes to what is going on around you is foolish. If she wants to rebuild your trust in her, *SHE* is the one that needs to take steps to make her time TOTALLY accountable to you and to actually deal with the lost trust.<P>Trying to pretend that you trust her when you don't is a sure fire disaster waiting to happen. *YOU* won't be able to do it and you'll feel guilty for not doing it.<P>Honesty is the best policy! Tell her you don't trust her. Tell her how much the distrust hurts you. Tell her how mistrusting her makes you feel. Tell her which of her actions make you distrustful. (IE. Spending time alone)<P>I know I don't fully agree with many others on this subject but I can tell you, that to me, cheating on your spouse is about as low as a human being can go. She made those choices and *SHE* is responcible for them!<P>And NO, I will never buy into the idea that someone made her do it. She had lots of choices to either change things, improve things, or walk away from the marriage. No where in your marriage vows was there room for cheating!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I saw a quote from you about dealing with the OM. Of course, when I found out it was the same guy again, I wanted to throttle him. It's probably fortunate that he's 7 hours away. I have thought about speaking with his wife. I don't want to cause problems that may end up coming back to haunt me but I want to wring his neck.

#402666 10/11/00 12:04 AM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gill:<BR><B>
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Originally posted by Country Guy:<BR>Gill,<P>!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I saw a quote from you about dealing with the OM. Of course, when I found out it was the same guy again, I wanted to throttle him. It's probably fortunate that he's 7 hours away. I have thought about speaking with his wife. I don't want to cause problems that may end up coming back to haunt me but I want to wring his neck.
<P>I don't get it, you don't want to cause problems??? I hate to say it but this thing has got you turned around. You didn't cause his problems, HE DID.<P>But I must say your doing a wonderful job of helping him do to his W, what he and your W have been doing to you. Why in the world would you want to help him hurt another person the way you are being hurt.<P>If you think that by perpetuating the LIE you are somehow helping his W you are dead wrong. Somehow, somewhere, the truth will come out. Truth is funny that way.<P>She can either view you as the one that told the truth and tried to help, or she can view you as "another" liar.<P>Dr. H. repeatedly says that honesty may cause short term discomfort, but it's ALWAYS the best answer in the long run. I agree.

#402667 10/10/00 01:12 PM
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My wife and I spoke at length when she came home that night but the reality is we resolved nothing. I spoke to her today and told her that this is a very difficult time for me and that she needs to decide what is important to her. The first time this happened she cited that I didn't pay enough attention to her. During the 6 weeks of Plan A that I've completed, I was clearly being cognizant of those needs which she acknowledged. However, it still happened again. My wife refuses all my requests for intimacy and recently said that any sex with me would amount to nothing more than a "mercy hump" (nice expression, huh). How can a person possibly act this way and continue to say she wants the marriage???? It makes no sense. I have made it clear that any further contact with the OM means I'm gone. I also told her that she needs to decide to really try to save things, not pay me lip service and then repeat this affair in another month. She never reached out to me despite the pain she caused. I must reach out to her, which I do. The thought of her willing to give the OM what I must beg for makes me sick. Part of me thinks that she won't have sex with me because it would be cheating on the OM. Sick, isn't it? I continue to battle the multitude of emotions: anger, despair, jealousy, disgust, etc. I watch her try to simply wash everything under the carpet. Change the subject and perhaps I'll forget the enormous pain she inflicted. The second time is more painful because I really thought she began to respond to my Plan A.


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