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#402677 10/12/00 07:06 AM
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Gill Offline OP
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As you may have seen in an earlier post, my wife went upstate ostensibly to spend time alone. I decided to have her followed because not knowing what was going on has taken a terrible toll on me emotionally and mentally. I found out she went to see the OM again. I confronted her over the phone about two hours after she arrived and told her I was leaving. She asked me to wait and drove the four hours home immediately. My wife and I spoke at length when she came home that night but the reality is we resolved nothing. I spoke to her today and told her that this is a very difficult time for me and that she needs to decide what is important to her. The first time this happened she cited that I didn't pay enough attention to her. During the 6 weeks of Plan A that I've completed, I was clearly being cognizant of those needs which she acknowledged. However, it still happened again. My wife refuses all my requests for intimacy and recently said that any sex with me would amount to nothing more than a "mercy hump" (nice expression, huh). How can a person possibly act this way and continue to say she loves me and wants the marriage???? It makes no sense. I have made it clear that any further contact with the OM means I'm gone. I also told her that she needs to decide to really try to save things, not pay me lip service. She never reached out to me despite the pain she caused. I must reach out to her, which I do. She asked me what she needs to do to make me feel better. I find it hard to believe she can't arrive at those answers herself. I get the sense that anything she does will merely be a "duty" and mean nothing. The thought of her willing to give the OM what I must beg for makes me sick. Part of me thinks that she won't have sex with me because it would be cheating on the OM. Sick, isn't it? I continue to battle the multitude of emotions: anger, despair, jealousy, disgust, etc. I watch her try to simply sweep everything under the carpet and get back to the normal routine. Change the subject and perhaps I'll forget the enormous pain she inflicted. The second time is more painful because I really thought she began to respond to my Plan A. I find things in the house that remind me of their "connection". I mention them to my wife who immediately removes them but this shows me a lack of regard for my feelings. Can this woman say she really wants our marriage and loves me when all she has done flies in the face of her words? I love her dearly and want to rebuild but all her recent actions make me wonder if it can. Even if we make love now, how can I tell if it's her way of giving me an emotional crumb or whether she's just thinking about the OM. It's a horrible, horrible thing for anyone to endure. I really feel for all of us in this predicament.<BR>

#402678 10/12/00 07:18 AM
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Gill...<P>6 weeks may seem so long...<BR>...but, in general... it really is quite short.<P>Withdrawal (like for cigarette smoking, or alcohol) takes time.<P>Your W really needs some more of "growing" patience.<P>If your emotions are raw...<BR>...get counseling for <B>you</B>...<BR>...get medication...<BR>...get in touch with your faith...<P>Plan A... is about <B>you</B>... growing...<P>Plan B... is much harder...<P>Prayers to you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#402679 10/13/00 06:47 PM
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I was so sad to read your latest post. Please sit down, pray, and then make no major decisions yet. It is my opinion that she want the OM, but maybe the OW won't committ to her. I think she is afraid of being alone, and if OM won't committ to her, she can fall back on your love and support. I think you are better than that, and I believe she is so confused, guilty, and afraid of being alone, that until the OM either committs to her, or leaves, you will be in this limbo. Seek counseling, seek peace for yourself. It is about both of you, but if you can't be yourself, and be the best you can be, you can not be the best in an "us" relationship. My prayers will be with you tonight, and I will log on later and see how you are doing. I wish my H. would reach out to me like this, whether she wants to admit it or not, she is a lucky lady to have you to care for her. Take care, gn

#402680 10/16/00 06:32 AM
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Gill Offline OP
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by snugglermi:<BR><B>I was so sad to read your latest post. Please sit down, pray, and then make no major decisions yet. It is my opinion that she want the OM, but maybe the OW won't committ to her. I think she is afraid of being alone, and if OM won't committ to her, she can fall back on your love and support. I think you are better than that, and I believe she is so confused, guilty, and afraid of being alone, that until the OM either committs to her, or leaves, you will be in this limbo. Seek counseling, seek peace for yourself. It is about both of you, but if you can't be yourself, and be the best you can be, you can not be the best in an "us" relationship. My prayers will be with you tonight, and I will log on later and see how you are doing. I wish my H. would reach out to me like this, whether she wants to admit it or not, she is a lucky lady to have you to care for her. Take care, gn</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We had two long talks on Friday. I understand where I have fallen short in our relationship and have made it clear since the Plan A began that saving our marriage was the most important thing to me. She says she wants the same thing which was wonderful to hear. I still harbor fears about the OM. She tells me nothing happened and that she loves me and understands if I find it hard to believe her after recent events. I want to believe everything she says but the I fear the OM is not far from her mind. She has said she will not keep in contact with him but of course, I cannot know for sure as she has prepaid calling cards at her disposal. I want to trust her and will but the fear of being made a fool three times lurks in the backround.

#402681 10/16/00 07:02 AM
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Gill...<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>You'll see much more progress, when a 3rd offers sound recovery principles!<P>Here are a few key thoughts from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter(on page 58-59 of SAA)<BR>Extraordinary precautions must be taken to guarantee separation...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Easy access to a former lover must be avoided at all costs. (page 60 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim


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