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Joined: Nov 2000
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Country Guy,<P>No, I really don't think I deserve to be treated this way. That is one of the reasons why I am so devastated about all of this! I really thought that I had a man who loved me totally and completely, and would never do something like that to me. <P>I wanted to stay in this relationship because I really don't feel that this is how he is. He has done something terrible. I am not excusing that in the least. But I do feel, (and I may be wrong) that he is a good man, who has been in a lot of stress and some difficulties right now, which led him to do something out of character for him.<P>That does not mean that I wish to blindly continue this situation. There are some very serious issues to be dealt with if I would ever consider having a future with him. But I am still hesitant to just up and walk away without giving it a try to work. As you see in my post above to Free, I intend to go to counseling to work on some of my own issues, and he has said he is going also. I am not going to have any contact with him at all for a minimum of 2 weeks, in order to at least begin to look at this situation a little clearer. If at the end, I feel that I need more time, I will take it.<P>I don't think he is a dog. I think he is a decent man who got caught up in something he didn't know how to stop. I hurt for him, too.<P>I guess I sound as though I am defending what he did. I am not. My friend told me that our greatest strengths, if carried too far, can become our greatest weaknesses. I am a forgiving person. I do look for the best in people. I want him to be a whole person, too. With me, or without me.<P>Thanks for your reply. I know you care. It helps to get a man's point of view, too. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

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Ashygirl,<P>I'm glad you have this woman to turn to and be accountable to. I wish I had that luxery. I was under so much pressure to decide and I really didn't have a Godly woman in my life at the time.<P>My H thought since Nov. '98 that I was having this EA. This man was a friend I'd had for 10 years. I, too, stopped e-mailing with this man because it caused such heartache for my H. <P>Our pastor told me that this OM was never the issue. It could have been anyone, but my H is very insecure. <P>Tell me a bit about your bf's past. My H was physically/emotionally abused as a child. He is very fearful of commitment and runs when things get too settled. My H also "creates" chaos in his life when things are going good because that's what he's used to.<P>There is much alcoholism in my H's family, including him. He is primarily a drug addict, but alcohol is where it usually starts.<P>My H has so many issues that should have been major red flags for me, but I'm codependant and I thought I could rescue him. I thought I would be the one to cure him (he's previously married, too).<P>I'm learning that my H lies constantly and I don't know what's the truth anymore. He lies about the smallest thing, which I don't understand, but he does it.<P>Look for red flags in your BF's past! I'm sure they're there. Don't ignore them.<P>My H and I have been in counseling for what seems like eternity. We started even before we married. It's so sad if you look at our relationship history. <P>Good luck! Keep in contact with your friend and you'll do just fine. I bet you'll be happier without this man in your life.<P>God Bless!

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Hi Free,<P>Well, no drugs or alchohol past the teen-aged years. Gave his life to the Lord then, and became a minister in his early 20's. Had a bad relationship with a girl and married on the rebound. That marriage was a disaster, but he hung in there for years, for the children. She fell in love with another man, which is a hard thing to deal with, as we all know. I am the first woman after her.<P>He has a big need to be needed, I think. He compared his life to Don Quixote the other day. His father was non-communicative to him, except to put him down, and his grandmother was a schizophrenic. He is afraid he has the same weakness. I told him I thought he was depressed but not more. <P>He was trying to help this woman get out of a bad situation. I think her needing him gave him something that he needs in his life. I think that is why they drew close, this need to help people which in itself is not a bad thing, but crossed boundaries that should never have been crossed.<P>Basically, a good man, but with issues that need to be dealt with. I have my own as well.<BR>Hope this gives a little insight.

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Yes, he definately has some issues to deal with - and don't we all. My H has a bottomless bucket (as our Pastor says) and needs constant validation from women. I may never be able to fill my H's bucket no matter what I do.<P>If you find that you just can't be without this man - please take at least a year to recover with him in counseling. You may find new things in this year that you know you can't live with, but you may also benefit (both of you) from the counseling and self searching.<P>Good luck!<P>Karen

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Well, Karen, I am beginning to see just a glimmer of the fact that I CAN live without this man, and I will probably be better off without him. I talked to a friend yesterday, and she helped me see that he lets women console him, and this is his downfall. <P>He has many, many women friends but few male ones. She helped me come to see that he tells all his woes to women (he did this to me when we first met) and gets them to comfort him. Now that he thought he was having problems with me, he turned to someone else to get comfort. Some comfort!<P>He sent me an email last night wanting to know how I was doing, then immediately launched into all the stuff that was going on with him and that he knows he needs to be alone for a while, and unwind, because there is stress for him where ever he goes! Well, DUH! he made his bed, he caused this and now he wants me to feel sorry for him? <P>If he cared a little more about me instead of himself, he might want to come and see how I am dealing with all of this instead of the safety of an e-mail. My goodness....I think I am coming out of my pit..and gettting angry! It's about time. I deserved better treatment than this. I was WONDERFUL to him..everyone said so. This is his problem, not mine.<P>Today I have no desire to ever see his face again.

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That's the spirit. You will be up and down with your feelings for him - keep turning to your friends.<P>My H makes things up sometimes about me to get the sympathy from other women. He'll lie and tell them I left him or I'm cheating, but he keeps me in the picture a bit so they aren't THAT shocked when he is with me.<P>The OW he slept with just before our wedding sent me dozens of e-mails between them from that night on and he made her believe hewas going to take care of her forever. He would say things that he said to both of us.It was almost sickening to read the "Hey YOU" which is how he started both our e-mails then he called me LadyK and her Lady Lis. I don't know how he ever kept stories straight. The next day he showed up at my work all lovey and we talked to our Pastor about setting up the wedding arrangements like nothing ever happened. <P>I hope you find the strength in friends and family to steer clear from this man. He needs professional help - not you!<P>God Bless!<P>Lady K

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Well, it has been 5 days now since I have had any contact on my part with my boyfriend. I did answer briefly a message from him about getting his car repaired. I only did because I felt obligated to, as he had told me he would let me know about getting it fixed.I kind of felt bad about doing this when I had decided to take some time away from him to sort all this out. I had been feeling pretty good, but after I sent the message I felt like a weight had settled back on me. The next email he sent me was evasive and distant, saying he could feel the need to be by himself for a while. <P>For the last 4 days, though, he has been messaging me to contact him to let him know how I am doing. I have not responded at all to any of these messages. They are getting pretty insistent about me letting him know how I am doing. The one last night said I know that you are hurting..and I am so sorry..BUT PLEASE let me know how you are.<P>What kind of game is this? He knows that I am hurting. Is he wanting me to tell him I am not so that he will feel less guilty or something? Last time I told him how I felt he said it was hard to talk to me, and he was trying to endure it. I can't win for losing. I wanted to message him back and say, you don't love me, you love HER and want to marry HER, REMEMBER??? I REFUSE to share you with anyone.<P>I am torn on this matter, not really sure again what to do. I am feeling better on the St John's Wort, and I am taking better care of myself physically. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

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What about e-mailing him to say you are very confused, you appreciate his concern and you'll contact him soon.<P>You are in such a horrible place with this relationship, but it's best you know this stuff now. Take as much time as you need to feel better.<P>Good luck!<P>Karen

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