I am completely depressed today. I call my partner on his cell phone and it went into voicemail.<P>I heard the voicemail I left earlier when I got into work and heard four saved messages from voicemail and it sounds like the same person. Female call one Nov 4th stating "Hi baby, i am sorry about yesterday, it so frustrating in this situation, i know you are taking care of busy over there but i hope to see you monday, love you" second call 11/13 same voice saying "call me back" then third call 11/19 saying " to call her at a different number" and the fourth call 11/27 saying to "call her". <P>I was upset, called him at work about this, he denied the calls. I told him that I know it was his voicemail. He said I don't know what you are talking about, but I haven't talked to that person since last month when we broke off. I told you she had left that message. Please don't go backwards, to push me away. He said he loved me and would I want to marry him this weekend and would make me feel secure. I said I wanted a nice wedding and yes I do want to start planning it now. we hung up.<P>He call me back to see how I was doing and to tell me he is through with that and he has not spoke with her. I kept quite. hung up.<P>He called again, to see how I was doing. At this point I told him to be completely honest and tell me the truth, he said the same thing.<P>I then called him back to tell him to be as honest with me as when he told me about the A. He said nothing is going on. I asked is there another person he said no. He said i don't know who voicemail you got into. I left it alone and did some general conversation.<P>What do you all think? He call me about three times in a row to see if I was ok and could get beyond this, because it was not his voicemail. I wonder if he did saved them did not contact her, but made the mistake of saving these message and is feeling guilty, can't admit it. Do you think? or he just blew it save the messages and got caught. He keeps saying there are not in his voicemail, he doesn't know what I am talking about. I even asked is there another OW. He said no, he is with me, I have been calling you more to make you feel more better, I haven't gone out, I been coming straight home every day, please don't push me away. He seems to be worried about my feelings, because like I said he call several times today. Or is he checking to see if I will end/walk out?<P>Help me I am hurting, but I can't go home to show my pain. He doesn't want to deal with it anymore. He feels it been discuss and that's it before it drives him away. He is in love with me and wants to be with me and marry me. <P>I am confused. How do you all see this? Help me, hurting bad. <p>[This message has been edited by vazquezek (edited November 30, 2000).]

Please don't even think about marrying this man - at least not until you feel 100% sure of his love for you.<P>My H cheated on me 2 weeks before our wedding and I found out 1 week before the wedding. I thought it was a 1 time thing and I believed his remorse.<P>Since getting married 10 months ago I have found so much more out about his chat room activity and have found private e-mail addresses with on-line personal ads and mail from women exchanging pictures with him. He has lied time and again.<P>If I could turn back time I would not go through with the wedding.<P>Take time away from this man to get your thoughts and emotions together. Ask him for some time apart with no contact and take this time for counseling and inner soul searching. I guarentee if you go through with this wedding you'll regret it.<P>Buy the books "Codependant No More" and "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. <P>You will feel pain during your seperation, but use this time to confide in family and friends and allow yourself to feel this pain.<P>Please keep posting here - I'd like to know how you're doing.<P>God Bless You!<P>Karen

Ok, here's what I think.<P>Number one, you heard a message that you had left on there, that right there tells you that it is his voice mail.<P>Number two, this may not be the same woman that has the child, but the same woman calling repeatedly, and saying things like "baby" "love you", and referring to the difficult "situation" i.e. more than likely you finding out about him having an affair, all leads to believe that he is seeing someone.<P>Now as for him saying it wasn't his voicemail and he doesn't know what you're talking about, that's just pure bs and I think you know that, you heard your own message on there. Claiming to have no idea where evidence a BS finds about an affair is textbook WS behavior.<P>I think him calling you repeatedly is to calm the waters. The pot's about to boil over and he's trying to turn down the flame before he gets burned.<P>Proposing marriage? I'm sorry, but right now if you do this you are crazy. Do you know what my H did exactly seven days after I found out about his first affair? He asked me to marry him and put a big old diamond on my finger. I think that in a situation where a couple isn't married yet, and infidelity is uncovered, it's pretty darn common for a sudden wedding proposal to come. Just watch Jerry Springer or Sally.<P>And finally, telling you to let it go or you're going to push him away, what he's really telling you is to stop putting the spotlight on what he's doing. He's playing on your fear of him leaving to get you to keep quiet so he can keep on doing what he's doing. Obviously if you keep pushing and digging you are going to uncover more stuff and he will be forced to end his little game one way or another and he doesn't want to.<P>Did you happen to write down the number that was on the voicemail? If so, I would call it and ask for him. If they know who he is, well then you know he's lieing, and it might lead you to the truth. I'm betting it will be the most painful truth you've ever heard, but an affair can keep on going as long as it's in the dark.<P>

Pam O,<P>You are one smart lady. Your points to vazquezek are good. <P>This guy is conning our MB friend. He's trying to keep both women, and the "let's get married" ploy is a carrot and a distraction. <P>It's so hard to see clearly when you're the one in the middle of it all. And a diamond can sure blind you with its light! (I can't wear mine any more. It's in safe deposit box, a reminder of the day my husband lied in front of both our families when we took our wedding vows.)<BR> <P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Oh, thank you, Belle. It's easy to be smart when it's someone else's problem. Unfortunately I wasn't so smart when the shoe was on my foot.<P>I'm basically repeating everything my therapist has told me. lol<P>

PamO, I don't know your history, but I think it's safe to assume I'm not the only one here dumb enough to go through with the wedding?!?! Can you tell me briefly what happened? Thank you.<P>Belle, I'm intrigued about you not wearing your ring. Can you share with me? Does your family know all the details?<P>Thanks for sharing!<P>Karen

Lady K,<P>Actually, we didn't get married until 2.5 years later. I became pregnant again, we needed insurance, and basically getting married was the only way to get it.<P>Then he managed to go an entire 8 months before he decided he just had to go and screw an 18 year old for 4 months. <P>Believe it or not, I'm really really trying not to be bitter. Unfortunately I'm not real good at it. lol

PamO,<P>I'm sorry to hear about what happened. When did you get married? Did you feel like you were recovered from the first with the 2.5 years under your belt (so to speak)? Did it all just erupt with the latest? <P>I hope you don't mind my questions? I felt as though if I canceled the wedding this past January to recover first, I know I would have just walked away. We had already postponed the wedding 2 other times and it was getting old. I just couldn't tell people AGAIN that we postponed it.<P>Thanks for sharing.

LadyK,<P>We married in June '99. <P>I definitely did NOT feel we had recovered or that he had been faithful for the past 2 1/2 years. I had suspected he was cheating more than a few times. Women were leaving notes on his truck right outside of our home in the middle of the night, etc. He claimed it was just some girl he had met through a friend once who was just trying to impress someone else by knowing him. Yes, he has a HUGE ego. Didn't believe him for a nanosecond.<P>For the majority of that 2.5 years, the relationship was a disaster. I wasn't in love with him, quite frankly I didn't even like him. We had a child together, and basically that was why I was still with him. I believe he loved me, but I just didn't feel it anymore.<P>Before I became pregnant again, I had planned to leave when our son turned four and would start pre-k. I became pregnant during obligatory sex, and the only way to have the baby was to get married so I could get insurance coverage. <P>About the first three weeks of the marriage was good. We were really going to make a go of it. Unfortunately he is extremely immature and has numerous emotional problems that he refused to deal with. After that the marriage was a living hell up until Father's Day of this year. Apparently that was right after he broke up with the teenager he was sleeping with and decided he really loved me and the kids. <P>Then it was good for about a month. That's when the psycho really starting harassing him and to cover his tracks he had to start being crappy to me again. Then in September she came to my door in the middle of the night and told me about 25% truth and 75% lies. It all boiled down to he had slept with her repeatedly for four months while swearing to me he was being faithful.<P>This is his last chance. If I ever even suspect he's cheating on me again, I'm gone. His kids will be gone, and I'll make him pay until the day he dies. <P>Things have been really good between us for the past month and a half or so. Actually better than they've ever been. In all honesty though, they were never good, so I don't know if it's really saying much.<P>I do love him. I know he loves me. I'm trying real hard to like him. We have a lot of problems to work through. I'm trying my best to forgive him for this, but it crosses my mind CONSTANTLY.