Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#404433 02/01/01 01:04 AM
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 457
A
alias Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 457
Often in the throes of the agony that discovery is, people need encouragement for the marathon that is involved in fighting for either 1) your marriage or 2) a new life.<P>In my case, I got my marriage back, well, not the old one, but rather, something we both love and can live with. This is what GOD did in our life THROUGH MB & counseling:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009873.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009873.html</A> <P>The second is an update, over a year later...just recently. There are miracles to be had...but some of them aren't what we expect. Some people at the Divorce forum are living miracles, too. God can do wonderful things in your life, if you are willing to change, pray, and love those around you with a tough love:<P>Here is our story:<P>Before anyone blasts me with why I am wrong and how this isn't true in your case...I KNOW that not all affairs are about unmet sexual needs...but MY husbands was, almost completely. <BR>I wanted to reflect on it and share some of the ways we have been working towards a healthy marriage. I get kinda frank, so skip this if sex is a taboo topic for you.<P>When we married, I was a virgin, by choice. I had dated about 35-40 guys, a couple for several months, most of them just once or twice because they didn't interest me. <P>We met at church and dated for a year. We kept our physical relationship quite controlled, petting with clothing on only. <BR>The second year he proposed and we were engaged throughout his last year of college. We still did not engage in intercourse. We married after he graduated. <P>On our honeymoon, things were far from 'movie perfect' and he did not feel the passion he had felt with the other girlfriend. In his frustration, he informed me "look, you are NOT the great love of my life, XXX was, so get over it! I do not feel passionate toward you. You are my best friend. You DO NOT turn me on. I married you because we get along well. Deal with it." <P>His own disappointment came out in anger. Since neither of us knew how to heal this rift, we just glossed over the problem. <P>Sex became a means to release of tension, initiated when one of us felt the need and convinced the other to participate. <P>The times when we were trying to get pregnant were a bit more relaxed and fun. <P>The hurt I had felt at his stinging words on our honeymoon stayed with me for all the years until his affair and our counseling sessions began. I was able to tell him word for word what he had said then. <P>He had difficulty believing that he had been that blunt and cruel, but he admitted that he was full of rage when he realized that he didn't have the feelings towards his wife that he hoped would materialize after the wedding.<P>For literally xx years, we never discussed this. I was always confused at the sudden swing in his attitude toward me, as he had been an adoring fiance and our physical relationship had been good as we looked forward to marriage.<P>When the honesty began and our sex life was put 'on the table' in our sessions, we were able to share how we had hurt each other repeatedly for xx years. Because of his affair, I was jolted into realizing that he was NOT the only one to have broken our vows. <P>I had refused him sex over and over for weeks at a time, because I felt so rejected and unattractive. This, in turn, made him feel even less manly and desirable. When the OW came on to him (hand on his crotch) and suggested an affair because "I have never been SOOOO sexually attracted to any man" (giggle here, because she is a serial adulteress), he was in her car for a BJ in a day, and at a hotel room in three days. <P>Absolutely RIPE for an affair.<P>The affair was romantic, hot and heavy for 3 months, then another 12 months of once a month "If she was horny" nooners. She broke his heart when he discovered she was also sleeping with the boss.<P>Now, almost three years since it started, my h. is physically ill at the thought of her. <P>He admits that he always knew she "was NOT a good person, actually she is a #itch", but that the relationship was 'hot' and made him feel young and alive again.<P>Do I accept blame for his affair? <P>OF COURSE NOT! He could have told me he was miserable, he SHOULD have told me before he put my health at risk...<P>BUT<BR>I did not seek help for our sexual problems, I refused him much more than I consented, and I DID contribute to the sexual void in our relationship. I felt quite justified in doing so, because of his put downs. However, I just added gas to a smoldering ember.<P>We have made great strides in our physical relationship, mainly because we discussed and agreed to meet each others needs. <P>Sometimes I am not interested in being sexual. I can still give him pleasure. Even during my period, a wonderful product call 'Instead' which is like a disposable diaphram, can prevent the mess. <P>It took many months of non-sexual massage, neck rubs, pats on the bottom and nightly snuggling to heal all the pain of his betrayal. <P>But one night, I said timidly, "I just wish our sexual relationship could surpass what you felt with her." His reply, "Don't you know? That pales in comparison to what we have now".<P>What we learned from this?<P>I learned I was WRONG to tell him that his need for sex is unreasonable. I was WRONG to think of him as an animal or less evolved than I am because of how God made him.<P>He was WRONG to think that my need for cuddling and kindness and help around the house is silly. He was WRONG to think that I am immature if I need to be sweet talked and coddled.<P>An article we read said something like, <P>If your young child is thirsty in the night, you don't explain to them that they don't need a drink because YOU aren't thirsty. <P>You meet their need because only you can and because you SHOULD. <P>Your marriage is like that. You are the one God put in your spouses life to meet their needs. They are in your life to meet your needs. If you don't do it, don't be surprised when the need overwhelms their desire to be a good and righteous person.<P>my 5 dollars worth,<BR>Liz <P><p>[This message has been edited by alias (edited June 07, 2001).]

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,900
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,900


<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 78
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 78
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B>WOW<P>How does this get to the notable posts place? I think it should be there.<P>Thanks.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I like your question to him.how can we surpass her..I'm going to try and use that. I had a similar experience. You hit homeplate..Good LucK<BR>

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 457
A
alias Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 457
glad it encouraged you.<P>I don't think NSR does the notables anymore...someone else does. I feel funny asking them to post it there, but maybe Jim (NSR) will pop in and tell you how to link it.<P>gotta go,<BR>hugs,<BR>lizzie

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 113
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 113
Hi alias,<P>I have agreed to take over, from NSR, the maintenance of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P>I'll gladly add this and any other posts you like to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post. Don't ever feel reluctant in asking for this. I rely on people to make such requests, since I don't "lurk" on all forums.<P>OneGoing.

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 201
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 201
It amazes me that your H could start your marriage off with "look, you are NOT the great love of my life, XXX was...get over it" and be at all surprized that you weren't all over him sexually. <B>I doubt many women would feel very sexy and giving after that!!! </B> Seems to me like he had a big hand in creating this problem, then decided to fix it by having an affair. <P>I'm glad he eventually got smarter, and I think it is extremely generous of you to take so much blame on yourself for your past problems. Yes, it does take two, but if my H had started things off like this, I would have found it hard to take your attitude. Glad things worked out.

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,579
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,579
Liz,<P>Our stories are pretty similar. He never said anything like that. He just went from being a great fiancee to what? Not sure...<P>I too was a virgin by choice, almost 30, while he had too many to count. He lived with a girl for a year and never seemed to completely get over her.<P>I didn't turn him down for sex, but he never seemed to want much. I thought he just had a low sex drive and we never really talked much about things either. I wanted more but figured it was too bad.<P>It is only after two affairs that we have learned. And I ranked sex as my need second only to affection - I too like to be cuddled.<P>And, yes, he learned it was wrong of him to put me down because I am more emotional (funny thing is that I'm also very analytical). And I was wrong to think his need for a really neat house was selfish (certainly hard to attain with two little ones.)<P>I've enjoyed the few threads we have crossed on together...<P>

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 457
A
alias Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 457
OneGoing: thanks for thinking like it was worth posting at notable. It was really hard to write it all down at this point in recovery, but I feel so indebted to the board for all the help I got here.<P>Caitie: Many of my friends have expressed the same thoughts about how he treated me then. I just try to remember that I have done horrible, selfish things, too, I just didn't get caught thinking/saying/doing them. I have always believed that he was my intended. I know that I enrich his life, he tells me that all the time. The turning point came when I called him on it and said, "I do all the work in this relationship, and I'm exhausted. I want out." We were in a counseling session, and our counselor had been mine alone for several months before he would attend. I excused myself to the bathroom and she took the opportunity to tell him "She means it. Fourteen years have burned her out. Decide if you can change and tell her how you feel when she gets back." When I returned, he took my hands, looked into my eyes for the first time in over a year, and asked for another chance.<P>I HAVE NOT taken all the blame AT ALL. I have looked closely at the situation and accepted responsibility ONLY for what I did. I have also sobbed on his chest, called him a wimp for not confessing sooner, questioned whether he had a shred of courage or decency....you get the drift. Mostly, I told him what an idiot he was to fall for the office slut.<P>Know what? Although I felt better for a moment each time, none of those things helped our relationship at all.<P>Plan A/B did.<P>Schizz:<BR>I do so wish we could sit and have a cuppa tea. I'll just plan to look for you in glory - you'll be the tough broad with the big grin, right? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>hugs to all,<BR>lizzie


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5