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Joined: Nov 2001
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I Discovered my WS's two A's by recording her phone conversation with the OM's. Since, I have recorded conversations two other times. One of the two conversations I found she was speaking to different OM (this is the third). He asked her quesions such as if he could kiss her the next time he saw her. Her responce was, "maybe, we will see when the time comes". Though no harm was done there was still the intent. When confronted she totally placeed blame on me and said, I was wrong, completly avoiding any questions reguarding kissing the OM. Since we have been working on restoring our M. Everytime she is on the phone I fear it is the OM she is talking to. I recorded a conversation she had last night but haven't listened to it. I feel like I need to listen to this to assure myself that the OM's are out of her life. But also I am scared to find something I fear. My question to you all is should I listen to this conversation or should I just continue working on the M and ignore any conversations my WS may have. If anybody has suggestions or ideas please advise me. My ears are wide open.<p>Thank You All Very Much [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

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If this is how your wife is working on the marriage do yourself a favour and move on. otherwise you will be on a emotional rollercoaster in which your heart will be ripped apart watching her having more affairs.

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My goodness, I really, truly believe that you should listen to the recorded conversation. If you suspect your wife is continuing in an affair, you have the right to know. I know that you would like to trust her, but in the world that you and i live in, this is not the case. Her conversation should always, always, always honor you ,you are her h. Listen to the recorded conversation and then pray about it. Your w is obviously not honoring you by speaking of kissing another man, period. <p>I know that i suspected my h having an affair for about 2 months, but when i talked to people regarding whether or not i should follow him and do my own investigating, they just recommended that i take my problems to God and let God do the rest. -and not to follow my h. Well, that is a big regret that i have now because i did trust my h when i shouldn't have and now he has gotten the ow pregnant. I may seem to be contradicting myself, but I think you need to do BOTH, you should find out whatever information you need to regarding the affair, no matter what the method, AND you need to take your burdens to God. <p> God is the only one who can convict and change your w's heart. We can try and try and try to change them, but truly God is the only one who can. So pray for her, pray for yourself. <p> Good luck, God bless.
Julia

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I truly thank both of you (Max & Julia) for your feedback. I really need to hear all suggestions from all avenues. This is a very hard, painful and confusing period for me. Max you are correct I am now on an emtional roller coaster. Today we had great conversation and I felt great afterwards. This evening she said she was going to a birthday party for her girlfriend. I am now alone wondering if in fact if there is really a birthday party. It's now 10:30pm(four hours later) and I haven't received any type of phone call to say she is alright or just to say hello. If I would have listened to the conversation maybe I'd know what was really going on tonight, even if it was something I didn't want to hear. Sometimes I think I am fooling myself by hoping she will change her WS habits. From day to day I'm not sure what to think. Julia you are correct in praying. I pray our family not just myself. My eleven year old son questions me each time my WS leaves the house in the evening because she never returns when he is awake. Now I have to keep calm and basiclly lie to him when I teach him how wrong lying is. I am 90% in favor or listening to her conversation. If I don't I'll be questioning her every move even if it is a faithful one.

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Just as I finished my last reply my WS came home. I felt like I missed her and was glad to see her, until she said, she was going out to night club with her friends. She wasn't in the house for 5 minutes. I didn't even know she left until I heard her truck start up and pull out of the driveway. Now I'm to the point of saying F$#K IT!!! I'm tired of the confusion and emotional up's and downs. It may sound crazy but, I still love her and wish somehow we could work things out. I know this site suggests meeting the WS EN, but how long can the BS go without his/her EN met. We both ignored our EN during the past years but, why do I feel at fault and am the only one working on satisfying EN's?

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Just posting an update.<p>WS came in at 2:30am. Appeared to have been drinking a little. I was lying in bed awake waiting all night. No words exchanged she just jumped in bed and went to sleep. I'm upset and trying to figure out a way to tell her she needs to be committed to this marriage and not committed to the outside world. Her friends and another possible OM have taken first seat over this family. I have to wait until I am calm because right now I will explode when she, as normal attempts to place the blame on me by telling me that I have problem and I need to stop being a weak man. We will see what occurs when we wake up in the morning. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

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Your message is so sad. Your wife has multiple affairs on you, she is not home when your child is awake, she leaves you for four hours and returns and immediately goes out to a night club and returns at 2:30am drinking. She claims you have a problem and are a weak man. You sound like a foolish man to believe that you can deal with her behavior.
It is clear that she has no respect for you and disdain for your marriage. Do not be a doormat to this mean and hurtful person. You and your child will only be constantly hurt and humiliated by this woman. You need to protect yourself about possible std's. I hope that you have been tested.
You deserve a better future than this. How much are you willing to accept? The more you accept the more she will continue this type of behavior.

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Did you listen to the tape yet??????
I couldnt have waited 5 min. if I would have had it.
I guess I am lucky H said if I need to spy on him to feel better its ok with him.
I am sorry this is happening to you I know how hurtful it is.
I think a clue is in what she said about you being weak.
Are you weak? You are trying to do the right thing for your family and child, I think this is courageous, but you shouldnt be a doormat either.
Dont worry about setting bondaries for her, set some for yourself, then stick to them.
I will pray for some restfull sleep for you tonight.

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If,<p>
Only one thing that matters here. YOU. You can't change your W. What are you prepared to do? Look within yourself to find what you can and can not do and then do it.<p>
who

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How long do you think the A's have been going on? It seems that you have just found about all of this. I read that WS's who have multiple A's have a sexual addiction, much like a drug addict or alcoholic. I wonder what would happen if each OM found out about the other (I'm not suggesting anything, just a thought).<p>I feel that snooping is important during the early part of discovery. But be careful that it doesn't become an obsession. The danger of becoming obsessed with the A and what WS and the OM are doing is that it almost becomes like an addiction and you start to crave wanting more and more information. Then you lose focus of the real issues and start to self destruct.<p>I hate to say it, but right now there is nothing you can do about W, you can't fix her or help her. W is in a fog and out of touch with reality. This is the time to focus on yourself and do some serious self evaluations. If you have just found out, start to Plan A and see what kinds of reactions you get from W. Get to a doctor and get some meds if you feel yourself loosing it. Start looking up the triangle instead of over at W. <p>My W placed all the guilt of the A on me as well. Your not weak, shes just trying to bring you down so she doesn't feel as bad. Don't take it personally, it's a natural reaction to getting caught. Actually I think that it is a good sign because it tells me that the WS is feeling tremendous guilt over the A but isn't ready to accept responsibility for it. Don't push the issue yet with her. Let her know that you are a safe haven for her, don't judge, get angry or give her reason to put any more distance between the two of you.<p>Read everything you can about A's, how they start, how they work and how to recover from them. The more knowledge you have on this the better you will be able to handle your emotions and come to terms with what happened. Good luck to ya, we are all here for you.

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If,
I was just thinking about what you said about having your EN/PN's met right now. For me, focusing on myself right now is meeting my EN's. Just don't meet your PN's by having an affair of your own. (I think about when W was pregnant, I made it almost a year then, this should be a piece of cake!) You are feeling tremendous pain, guilt, sorrow and all the other crap that we have all gone through. Focus on these feelings right now and understand why you are feeling them. Look at your past and see what you have done wrong. You mentioned that both of you failed to meet each others EN's this past year, that is a common thread for a lot of us. Look at that and see where you went wrong. Focusing on this will allow you to make yourself right and allow you not make the same mistakes in the future. Remember, it took time for the M to get to the point of where it is now, it will take time to get it back and make it better.<p>How much can you take? Julia3 reminded me once that God will only give you as much as you can handle, regardless of what you think. This is a learning and growing experience for you, take advantage of it. A while back I saw a copy of an email that OM's W sent to W telling her to back off and quit trying contact her H. At the end she said something like "This actually has been a blessing for OM and me, we have found the love, compassion and commitment to each other that we lost a long time ago. Someday I may thank you for it" Sounds weird coming from the OM's W, but there is something to it. <p>Be ready for the long haul. You said that you still love W and want the M to work out. This is the time to proof it. How many times I thought about just giving up but am glad I didn't. I thank God everyday for being married to W.<p>"on top of my game" (thanks Pops)

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I did listen to the tape about 3:30am. I did not hear any conversation with the OM but, as her and her girlfriend were talking about the birthday party and guys that they see at the nightclubs. From the conversation it appears that she just loves the attention she gets when she is in the club. My W is very pretty so I can imagine the kind of attention she gets from OM when in this type of meat market. Her and her girlfriend laugh and giggle throughout their conversation like boy crazy teenagers.<p>I jumped up this morning and purchased a Do-it-Yourself Divorce Kit and presented it to her. I told I couldn't take the pain anymore and had to leave. I told her my plans were to go get a hotel and return with the divorce kit typed and complete by the weeks end. Initially she said, "if thats what you want do it"! As I started to pack a few personal items she said she wanted to talk. We talked and she became offended and upset she said, that she stopped the A's she was having earlier and any conversations with men were only in a friendship manner. To make a long story short. I agreed to stay if she would come with me to my weekly counseling appointments. She agreed but, again said, that she wanted freedom and wanted to come and go as she pleased without me questioning her. I didn't respond I just walked away and ended the topic. I'd like to see want occurs this Firday when we visit the marriage counselor. I will continue to record her conversations until I feel more secure. I have purchased a voice activated tape recorder and attached it to our phone line so I will know excatlly what is going on. Only time will tell.<p>Thank You all very much for your input and advice [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
(I would not advise anyone to record any phone conversations untill you check your state laws. This is illegal in a number of states unless one person is aware of the recording.)

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I tried to share infromation which I have gained from this site and my WS seems to think it is of no use. She says her EN were met in the past and are being met now. I asked her what made her see OM and she said, she had no reason she's just crazy.I tried to explain what EN's I felt I didn't meet of her's and she didn't agree. I really think she is in denial and avoiding the problem at hand. She says she has always been happy and is satisified and happy with our current relationship. I'm very interested to see her reaction when we see our marriage this Friday. How can I convince her that we both failed each other and we need to work on this M togeather. <p>In my heart I still think she is currently involved in an A. If she can't be honest with me and herself I will listen to her conversations and even hire an infidelity investagator to get to the bottom of this. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

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ifionlynew,<p> I would just advise you to be cautious with your heart. Your w seems to want you, but not completely. You both desperately need counseling. She needs to understand what marriage is. It is not about freedom. Sure, when two people love eachother it should feel freeing and wonderful, but your w seems to be looking outside the marriage to fulfill what ever void is there. Whatever freedom she desires does not include you and in my opinion, that is horribly wrong. <p>Are you both young? Your w sounds like she is 21 years old. That is the type of behavior we have at that age. But when people marry, they make a vow, a decision, a committment to put eachother first. <p>Well, hopefully you both can make progress at the counseling sessions. I just pray that God blesses your marriage. I know that when there was a time when i wanted my marriage to work, I would have given anything to save it. Right now i am extremely discouraged with my h and want a divorce. But you hang tight, your marriage is worth saving, every marriage is. <p>God bless

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Julia,<p>Thank You so much for your blessings!!!<p> I'd like to make a correction on the age of my W. She is 31(acts 21) and I am 35. We have two children, A son age 11 and a daughter age 7. We have been togeather 13 years and married 11.<p>I too hope the counseling gives her a different prospective on commitment, marriage and how frredom relates to marriage. <p> Keeping my fingers crossed [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>IFIONLYNEW

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Well, we see the marriage counsler Friday evening but it may be all in vain. I think she is going just to shut me up. Today (Thursday) I found out for sure she is involved in A #3. As far as I know this could be 4,5,6 or7. What is really bad is a number of her friends are aware. These are the same friends who tell her that they wish there H were more like me. I guess they just turn their heads and don't want to get involved. I am almost to the point where I feel like giving up. I feel like no matter what, she will continue to have her OM on the side. She is so bad in covering her tracks it sometimes makes me wonder if she really wants me to find out? Now she says she needs to burn sick days at work so she is calling off of work Saturday and going out with her friends. I'm really thinking about renting a car and following her. I'm 95% sure that the OM is the friend she is going out with. If I do find out am I going to just beg her to stop and tell her how much I love her? It didn't work the last time so why should I even care. I guess I can't help. When do I stop being stupid for this WS? <p>Well here I am again lost and confused. It's really hard but I think I need to take that step and end it. WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO?????? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]


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