My circumstance seems fairly unique here, but I'm hoping to get some help. I've certainly benefitted from reading this, and a few other, forums. For the third time in 4 years my husband has had an online affair. During the counseling the last time (2 years ago), the therapist felt that the experience of online infidelity is not significantly different than real life. I can't imagine how anything could feel worse than what I've gone through - but anyway....<p>We've been together 7 years, married for 4. He loves me, in fact, I absolutely believe he adores me. I know that I love him. He agrees that he has a problem, and can't come up with good reasons for why he does this (I guess I should mention that we met online 7 years ago - hello! Should I have a clue!!) This time, he was involved with a woman we are both friends with, online and in real life. Actually, we're friends with her and her husband, and just spent a weekend sharing a vacation rental with them. He never confesses, I catch him. At least this time, he did not try to deny it. I confronted her as well, she denied it repeatedly until I showed her the copies of the conversations I had.<p>He is devastated, again. Remorseful, apologetic, and begging for a chance to try, again. Vowing it will never happen, again. I have always thought I was a strong person, with strong ethics and self-respect, but I cannot understand why I keep letting this happen to me, and why I put up with it. Then I come and read some of these heartbreaking stories here, and I think I should just shut the heck up and be thankful for what I've got.<p>I have to recognize that I share responsibility here. The closest he can come to an explanation is that he felt he was losing me, that he was doing everything he could and it just didn't seem enough. As I have read through the MB materials, I recognize that I could have been much better in the relationship. He has never missed an opportunity to tell me he loves me, sends me cards, flowers, is more than a 50% partner around the house - and I just kind of suck it up and don't do as much to make sure he knows I love him. Then, I start thinking that maybe I am just rationalizing this entire experience to make me feel better about not ending the relationship.<p>So, here's the crux of my post:
Am I just a freaking idiot to try and fix this again?
Should I insist that he send a break-off letter to this woman? At this point, he just wants to not contact her again - but I would really like to have him send a final letter.<p>KS

I really don't know what to tell you. I always thought if my H was to cheat, the door would hit him where the good Lord split him. I have been trying to work through it for our family, because he is sorry for what he has done and because I still love him and believe we can make it. With that said, if he has another A we will be over no question about it. Mostly because he now sees the pain this has put me through and for him to do it again, means he does not care for my well being or couldn't of been remorseful in the first place. So he would be history. But I don't want to tell you to leave him. That is really something you need to decide on. I suggest you make of list of the reasons to stay and leave. Maybe that would help.<p>Good luck,
STY

KS41,<p>Welcome to MB and this forum -- kind of en exclusive club that no one really wants to belong to. My H also had an online EA (emotional affair -- they never met). This is no different than any other type of A -- there is still the secrecy, the emotional connection with someone not your spouse and the lying and hiding things from your spouse.<p>I recommend you read everything on this site and many of the postings here -- there are some really wise people. You are a lot better off than some in that our H is remorseful and wants to work things out. While you are not responsible for your H's As, you are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage. Your H has some unmet ENs (emotional needs) within your marriage. I recommend you read Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Also, you and your H should fill out the ENs questionaire -- you can print it from this site. This will give you valuable insight into your H's top ENs and good ideas on how he would like them met.<p>There are also other articles out there at www.dearpeggy.com and the article "Shattered Vows" at www.findarticles.com is also very helpful.<p>Remember, everyone here at MB is supportive and caring. Many are experienceing the same things you are. Hang in there.<p>FHO